Finding my way back to you
by wotcher98
Summary: Insecurities and doubt tore them apart; now unexpected events have thrown them back together. Read as Remus and Tonks find their way back to each other. Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling. Complete!
1. My love for you, always forever

_This is a different twist to Remus/Tonks story. Though this is not AU, their story is not canon compliant._

* * *

_Late June, 1995_

Last time he had visited Hog's Head was when he had been a teacher at Hogwarts. How time could change everything in one moment was no longer such a mystery to Remus; he'd had far too much experience with life's fickleness. There was a time when he had visited the _Three Broomsticks_ and people had greeted and acknowledged him as Professor Lupin; now that it had been over a year since his secret had came out, no one ever spared a glance in his direction. He was not even considered worthy enough for a chilly '_Hello_'.

So here he was, sitting in a grimy and dusty seat within _Hog's Head_, alone in a corner, with none for company except his own misery. He couldn't even look out at the streets for his own entertainment, as the window was almost opaque with dust. He had always wondered why Aberforth didn't just spell away the grime; maybe it was all a part of the '_charm'_ of the _Hog's Head_.

He sighed deeply and wrapped his palms around his tumbler of whisky. He had been sent out by a sulking Padfoot to buy an infinite amount of firewhisky or ' _Anendless supply of all kinds of alcohol because variety would forever be the spice of life_' as Padfoot had put it. Probably for first time in his life, his pocket was full with the unfamiliar sound of clinking galleons.

What had his life came to? Though he was more than glad to have Sirius back. He wasn't the same anymore. But who would be after spending endless days and nights in a prison? Hell, he himself wasn't the same anymore. His past had marked him permanently and people dogged his steps even now.

Though things had only deteriorated for him ever since that fateful night in October, his life had experienced a brief yet beautiful phase in between...

He sighed and closed his eyes.

There wasn't a day when he didn't think about _her_...

He shook his head to clear away the image of her beautiful smile, pink blushing cheeks and twinkling dark eyes.

"...I can't thank you enough." He heard a female voice say, behind him while he swirled the golden liquid in his glass. Strangely enough, she didn't sound like a hag or of the normal crowd of Hog's Head. His werewolf senses absentmindedly picked up on the presence of two people behind him probably walking out the door.

"This is the last time I will do this, Amy, mind you."

His heart stopped beating in his chest and he froze completely.

There was no mistaking that voice.

The tone, the pitch, and the music of her voice were unmistakable. Even now.

_She_ had always sounded that way whenever she had been irritated or agitated about something.

He forgot to breathe as his whole self focused on the most important thing within the dodgy bar.

_She_ was here.

Barely inches away from him. Unaware of his presence as he sat foolishly like a statue.

The two women halted inches from him as the woman named Amy suddenly turned to face her companion. _She_, in reflex, placed her left palm on his table, to stop herself from tripping in surprise.

_Her_ hand was just centimeters away from his arm.

Oh God...

There was absolutely no mistaking those delicate hands. He was not hallucinating from the effect of too much alcohol. Even if his ears _were_ ringing and his stomach _was_ filled with slight flutters similar to nausea.

"I won't ask you do that again, I promise." the woman -Amy- answered, but he paid her no mind, as he was way too focused on the palm on the bar top, the same one that he had cradled on countless walks. The one that he had kissed the back of in countless romantic gestures...

Suddenly, He noticed something glinting in light... Something shiny...A ring... A ring on her left hand...On her ring finger...

He could almost feel his face go pale as his hands went cold, and his knees felt weak. They were wobbly when the realization sunk into his numbed mind... When the meaning of that ring sunk pass the denial of his tortured thoughts...

"Time will tell." _She_ said in reply and effectively walked away from the bar. Away from his life all over again.

He felt fairly nauseous. He knew for a fact that if he moved to even breathe that he would throw up. He felt more than a little faint. He could see himself shaking… Shaking with anger, with grief, and with an undeniable sorrow…

She had gotten married, Merlin... Married... To another man… To someone who wasn't him.

It had been more than three years after all... Had it really only taken three years for her to get over him?

In his dreams and within the boundaries of his fantasies he had always pretended that she was still his precious; he had lived in undoubtedly in denial. Had even dreamt of an alternate universe where they were allowed to be together...

But she had moved on. And not just moved on, but had gotten married.

Surely she must have dated that man a while before entering into marriage? So what, it had taken her only a few months to completely get over him. Assuming of course that she had started dating shortly after he left her?

But hadn't that been what he had wanted? What he had even prayed for when he had pushed aside his selfishness?

But Merlin, it hurt as hell seeing it recognized. It was like a thousand knifes were piercing into his heart. Wrenching his gut as they twisted deeper.

When he was certain that he was somewhat stable enough, he threw a few sickles on the table and apparated instantly within the main room of the pub. Something which wasn't allowed (Actually it was strictly forbidden) but he didn't particularly care at that point… How could he?

His heart was breaking again. It had broken a long time ago, but the final piece of his heart that had survived had given up the fight. It was now crumbled into little jagged pieces. He without thought apparated to a lonely abandoned alley and ran like a wolf. Exactly like the monster he was up into the mountains.

The whole times his eyes stung and he ran against gravity, up the mountains. He needed air…Because he needed her… And he couldn't have her.

His precious...

No not his... Not anymore.

He ran with an animalistic strength. The cool air that hit his face was a sharp contrast to the hot tears flowing down the lines of his cheeks.

He was suffocating...

Finally, he reached the cliff. He stopped directly on the edge. The place that had been a witness to so many adventures of his Marauder days. Days long withered away.

There on a place that uses to be a haven; He screamed with his full power. The scream tore his lungs on its way out. The scream that came unbidden out of his mouth was almost comparable to the one he gave while transforming. He was certain of it.

After a few seconds…hours…forever…the anger and adrenaline fled away and he dropped to his knees. Once he was settled he buried his head between them.

He always had dreaded the time he would see her again and he had been sure that he would have been able to maintain some amount of calm if the visit had been an awkward meeting but this was beyond his imagination.

She had affected him to madness. But than she had always been able to turn his sanity on its head.

While he crouched there in the cold grass, he like any true masochistic allowed himself to dwell on the past. On the countless times spent in her arms, the exact spot on his head that she had always lovingly kissed after full moons, the moments she had slept in his arms at night with pale moonlight throwing her features into sharp relief while he watched in awe, her overwhelming beauty both in and out. He remembered the way it had been with her. Her love, her laughter, and her hair...

As the memories swept his brain, he did something he hadn't done in a long, long time.

He cried.

* * *

Tonks stepped out of the _Hog's Head_ with her friend _and_ colleague Amy Walters snapping at her heels. She knew that she was deep in the roots of a sour mood. Amy, though she was her dear friend, was also one of the few people who exploited her metamorphmagus abilities to max. Usually she didn't mind though... _Much_... Because unlike some other lecherous men, her ideas and requests weren't that devilish.

Amy was a married woman with a very loving husband who after so many years of marriage still liked to surprise her with romantic picnics or dates. Today had been one of those days. It had started when Amy's husband, Alex had decided to take her on a romantic rendezvous. Though such gestures were sweet, even when they came out of the blue; it was almost always an inconvenience to Aurors. People who found it hard to fit anything out of ordinary in their schedule.

Tonks had been having lunch with her friend in the Ministry canteen. Amy had been fairly nervous as she had talked about a meeting scheduled with Irish Ministry delegates. She had been interrupted when a Ministry owl had brought a pink colored letter for her from her husband (Who worked close by in Department for Magical Education) informing her of their date.

There was where the problem came in. If Amy had gone impulsively with her husband, she wouldn't have been able to attend the meeting. And yet if she had attended the meeting, she would have had to refuse her husband for the fifth time in a row due to her tightened schedule. While Amy had been biting her nails in indecision; her eyes suddenly had gone wide and she had gotten a look on her face that had screamed trouble.

Amy had then proceeded to plead for Tonks to morph into a duplicate of Amy and attend the meeting as her, while she went to do Merlin knew what with her husband. Tonks had finally caved in when Amy had emotionally blackmailed her by saying with a puppy face, '_It's going to put a strain on my marriage sooner or later._' if she kept canceling on him. Though Tonks herself had a non-existent love life, she genuinely cared for her friends.

It was her love for her that had prompted to morph into her twin and go to a highly boring meeting. Her mouth still ached with all the fake smiling that she did during the very very long briefing.

"Alright Tonks, will you just spit out the anger now before you bust? Come on, you know I'll treat you to your favorite ice cream- Chocolate Brownie."

Tonks sighed. Chocolate Brownie ice cream was a weakness for her. It wasn't her favorite as she personally preferred Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. But it was one of the few things she hadn't been able to give up completely. No one _really_ knew the true story behind her fondness for the ice cream. And she wasn't going to tell. Though she never said no to it, it always sent a stab of hurt through her heart when she heard its name.

She finally after deep breathes turned to face her friend.

"How did your date go? Did he spoilt you rotten? Are you happy?" Tonks finally asked the question for which all this hustle and decapitation had been about.

Amy gave a genuine smile, a smile that showed the gratitude she held for her friend.

"Tonks, it was wonderful. Thank you for agreeing to help." She said softly, her light brown eyes shining with adoration for the woman in front of her.

No matter how irritated she felt, Tonks could never remain angry at her friend for too long. She sighed and smiled back.

"Alright then. Your praise of your date just made my day a little better."

"Hey Tonks." Amy called as Tonks turned to apparate away with one last smile. "You still have something of mine."

Tonks felt puzzled for a moment, but she finally understood when she gave it some thought. Within seconds, she slipped the diamond ring from her finger and gave it to its original owner. Since, she had to look like a ditto copy of Amy; she had also worn her accessories and clothes, including her wedding ring. It was weird really, for they currently were in same clothes. Amy's clothes swamped Tonks; making her feel six again as she tried on Mum's clothes.

As Amy lovingly slipped the ring onto her finger, Tonks felt something clutch her heart. Something akin to envy.

Had things gone fine with...

No, It was of no use to think on that now. She had long ago moved pass that silly dream.

At least that's what she told herself.

"Let's go." Tonks spoke suddenly as she shoved aside all thoughts of sandy brown hairs flicked with grey and dark blue eyes.

* * *

_What do you think should I continue? I have only written this first chapter and I have no idea when I will update next, but I can promise that I will complete the fic if I get enough responses and will try my best to update as early as possible._

_Re-edited and beta'd by __**Stars may fall!**_


	2. The dark is too hard to beat

_Hello everyone! There's one thing I wanted to say, in my fic, Sirius won't be 'funny-always-non serious' character, but rather more like broody, depressed and rarely cheerful like a innocently imprisoned Azkaban escape should behave- as he behaved in original books- as if his original personality was lost. So excuse me if this Sirius fails to make you laugh._

_I hope from the first chapter you guessed what will be the main plot of the story; that Remus and Tonks were a couple few years back but the situation didn't work out and now they meet again._

_And yes, there will be plenty of flashbacks in future chapters._

_I do not own Harry Potter._

* * *

The kitchen really looked better than it had three days ago. Despite the dicey decor, the Order had been lucky nonetheless to find headquarters at such a short notice. The sooner they start; the more ahead they could be from the enemy.

Although same could not be said about the other rooms of Grimmauld Place. Remus simply had no clue what would happen to the person who would mistakenly stumble upon one of such rooms. That was why they desperately needed to clean, though now the head of _that_ department would Fabian and Gideon's sister Molly Weasley. He had met the woman few days ago, the mother of his several students, and had liked her instantly, though his gratitude towards her for taking care of Harry as a mother had been a deciding factor too. Weasleys were the most kind and humble pure blooded family he had ever met.

"You look miserable mate." Sirius entered, looking better but still rugged and clasped his back from behind, sitting at the head of the table with his feet propped up. "It's not even full moon soon."

Remus shrugged his shoulders. The truth was he had barely slept last night. All he did was tossing, turning and pacing. _Her_ absence had been acute last night and it had stung.

He had wondered, sheer out of habit, about what she would be doing at that time when a blood boiling and highly upsetting image of her sleeping with her _husband_, had popped up into his mind. It had driven him crazy to the extent of grabbing chunks of his own hair. He had paced and silently fumed.

"You didn't even bring the fire whisky last night." Sirius muttered.

"I am sorry, I forgot."

"You forgot to do the task, you initially went out for?"

He wished Sirius would stop asking questions. He knew he meant well, but his wound was still fresh and way too deep. The reason he hadn't been able to grab fire whisky, bought unpleasant recollection to his mind.

"I'll do it today, Padfoot. Promise." he looked at him, using his marauder nickname to placate him.

"You know, Moody is bringing another Auror for today's meeting." Sirius replied, completely changing the track of conversation.

"Really? Well, I am sure that would be good for the Order."

"Yeah... Did you make the roster for prophecy stakeout and that at Dolohov's house?"

Remus internally cringed. He had entirely forgotten...

"I am sorry it slipped my mind, I will do it right away. There's still half an hour in meeting." he said, getting up to grab parchment and quill hurriedly.

"Merlin, Remus what has gotten into you?" Exclaimed Sirius incredulously.

"Says the man who used to complete his homework at the eleventh hour." he tried not to sound snappish. "Cheer up, Black, I am sure Molly will be bringing something heavenly to eat." he tried to divert the topic. Ever since Sirius had escaped, food hadn't been a priority for him. Though he ate anything he found (including rats), that didn't mean that he hadn't missed good food. The first time Molly had bought some, Sirius had indulged himself like a pig.

As if on cue, Sirius's stomach grumbled and he shook his head.

He started preparing the roster, keeping in mind when the members were busy. This new Auror, Sirius mentioned, Remus knew it would be his responsibility to acquaint him to the Order works and methods; Dumbledore had especially requested him to do so for the new members. In last stakeout, he had accompanied the new member Kingsley in a guard duty. Though it almost turned out the other way round when Kingsley taught _him_ a few tricks. But he was a good man with a good heart, humble and kind and a damn good Auror.

Therefore, he paired himself with the new Auror.

While he had been making the roster, people have started coming; Emmeline, Hestia, Dedalus, Kingsley. Though Sirius couldn't be considered close friends to these people, Remus knew he was happy with the company nevertheless. Soon the Weasleys came too and the once quiet kitchen was filled with chatter of friends.

He guessed that Mad-eye had entered too when he heard the distinct thump of his wooden leg, though he didn't look up from his parchment as he wanted it done before Dumbledore arrived.

"Oh hello dear, you must be the new Auror Alastor talked about." he heard the distinct voice of Molly Weasley asking and with it the reply came:

"Wotcher! You must be Mrs. Weasley. Bill's and Charlie's mother. Call me Tonks."

Remus felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach, knocking out the air from him.

_Oh Merlin...!_

His hands shook, his forehead broke into cold sweat and his heart slowed down to a pace where he was sure he would get a heart attack. He looked up at achingly slow pace, felt as if his head had turned into lead.

He wasn't prepared for what he saw.

There in the middle of the room, _she_ stood, shaking hands with Emmeline, Hestia, introducing herself, with a polite smile on her face.

_Her face..._

He realized with a jolt that yesterday despite her being inches away from him, he hadn't exactly seen her. But right now, seeing that beautiful heart shaped face bought an astute ache to his chest.

He _really_ wasn't prepared for this.

Merlin, if anything, she had turned even more beautiful. She no more looked like an innocent young girl of eighteen but looked like a woman with an aura so bright, that it was capable of burning people with its intensity.

At least capable of burning him.

He suddenly wished he could apparate away, could leave the country, and could leave this world.

How in the name of Merlin will he be able to face her?

With it came another realization. _She_ was the new Order member, the new recruit. Someone he would be seeing on regular basis.

He really _really_ wasn't prepared for this…

"Is it the very same _Nymphadora_ _Tonks_?" he saw Sirius come in front of her, questioning with an unbelieving and astound expression on his face.

"Yes, though I go now by just Tonks." she beamed at her second cousin.

He had never seen such a wide grin on Sirius's face ever since he came back.

"Well then _Just_Tonks, come here and give your old cousin a hug." he said opening his arms and she gladly accepted the invitation.

"Merlin you are all grown up." he said pulling away and seeing her fondly while he held her at an arm's length. "Have you met my best mate?"

_Oh no, no, no..._

_Padfoot please..._

"Moony!"

But it was too late.

"Moony, this is my Cousin Andromeda's daughter, Ny- _Just_ Tonks, Tonks this is my best mate Remus." Sirius said happily, with his one arm still around her, unaware that world of the two people he was addressing, had just caved in.

Remus had never seen someone go pale _so_ quickly. Smile that once graced her lips had completely vanished and it looked as if she had been hit with a stunner.

He wasn't prepared to look in her chocolate brown eyes nor was he ready for _her_ to look into his eyes. It seemed as if she was capable of smouldering him just with her gaze.

What was that look on her face? Where her features contorted? Was it hatred?

He didn't think he could bear _hatred_ from her.

They kept staring at each other effectively forgetting that they were supposed to be strangers to others. Thankfully, others weren't paying attention and Sirius didn't seem to notice this slip as he was way too happy to meet someone he had thought long lost.

She quickly, set her features into a calm mask, gave him a vague fake smile and nodded in acknowledgement as if really she had just met him.

Just as she turned to Sirius, Sirius asked her, "How's Andromeda and Ted?" this time she gave a genuine smile, which he considered a difficult feat in such situation.

"I'll tell you _everything_ first let's settle down, isn't meeting about to start?"Sirius took her hand and while he seated himself on the head of the table, he made her sit next to him that is, absolutely in front of Remus.

She sat like it wasn't bothering her that she was sitting right across her long lost former lover.

Remus tried to control himself, tried to admonish about seeing her, but he couldn't keep a check on himself.

Merlin, it had been so many years since he had last seen her that he gave in to the desire of at least looking at her.

She looked _marvelous_. Her eyes were as always that beautiful shade of brown, that he had complemented endless times; her lips were pink curving into a nervous smile, pale cheeks, that heart shaped face with cute chin. She wore a red plain t-shirt with black blazer, and blue jeans, which weren't patched as much as her jeans _used_ to. Her hairs were bubblegum pink as it used to be except that today she wore them short.

While he had been watching her discreetly, Molly had engaged her in a conversation.

"So Tonks, will you be able to help us in cleaning this place? I know you are an Auror and you must be awfully busy, but if you could assist us in cleaning, you see my children will be moving..."

"Molly, I will help you but just know that I am not good in household spells..."

_How could I forget that...?_

"No problem dear, I will task you something that does not require wand, you see this place is filled with dark insects and pests..."

"Sure thing, so where's Bill and Charlie these days?"

"Oh well, Bill is a curse breaker; he had been in Egypt for few years but now he has joined Gringotts and well Charlie is still in Romania working with dragons. They must be so happy to know that you are an _Auror_ now."

He knew he was happy, _proud_ even. It had been her life dream and though his own dreams had shattered he couldn't be gladder that she had achieved what she had wanted.

"Oh definitely, look at the little girl I knew, who would have imagined would become such a tough Auror." Sirius, who had been listening to their conversation, said.

She self-consciously smiled at Sirius and looked surreptitiously at Remus from beneath her eye lashes as if to say_'you knew what being an Auror meant to me_.'

He tried to convey with his eyes _'I know, I am proud of you.'_

Dumbledore arrived with Snape at his heels and the babble died down. He greeted everyone; welcomed _'Miss. Nymphadora Tonks'_ as he had put in.

He wondered bitterly how was she still a _'Miss'_ and why her surname was still _'Tonks'_. Though the Dora he knew would have kept her surname after marriage along with her _husband's_.

The word _husband_ still made him nauseous.

While the meeting continued, he tried to pay attention, trying to forget that his _precious_, the nick name he had given her, the name he used to call her in private and intimate moments, was sitting just in front of him and he couldn't even touch her.

"Remus, I assume you have made the roster?" Dumbledore addressed him, breaking him out of his reverie.

"Yes, Albus..." he tried to sound calm and handed the parchment to Alastor.

Alastor started announcing everyone's name, informing them of when they had duty and who were their partners if any, when suddenly with a jolt, he remembered something...

He had placed _her_ name with _himself_...

They were to go together...

_Dear god..._

"I am assuming by 'new Auror' you meant Tonks?" Alastor's gruff voice bought him back to reality.

"Yes..." he nodded. Since he hadn't known who was the new member he had simply written it as 'new Auror'. He saw Do-_Tonks_ trying _not_ to acknowledge him.

"Alright, Tonks, you are with Lupin here. You will be on guard duty in front of Dolohov's house day after tomorrow; time- after 12:00 a.m."

This time she gave up her effort of _not_ looking at him.

She didn't look happy.

His felt his heart quicken, unknowingly, destiny had thrown them together _again_.

How was he going to spend such a _long_ duration of time with her, in dead of the night, under one invisibility cloak in close quarters without seeking her out to touch her, kiss her...

When she clearly was someone else's...

The thought acted like a bucket of cold water, plunging his dreams and washing them away.

He saw her clenching her fist and he felt his heart sinking.

Thankfully she didn't say anything.

With that meeting ended.

* * *

As chairs scraped against the floor and people got up, some heading to door while some lingering, she was in doubt about whether to stay or to move out of this stuffy kitchen as soon as possible.

On one hand there was Sirius; her mother's favorite cousin who was wrongly imprisoned, who was waiting anxiously for the meeting to get over so that he can know all about what his elder sister had been up to for past fourteen years.

On the other hand, well...

When Mad-eye and Kingsley have approached her, she had been honored that her mentor and senior thought her to be good enough to be in a movement against dark lord.

She had agreed though after a moment's hesitation, for few seconds she had doubted her ability to fight but at that end she had realized that she didn't really had a choice. She had become an Auror for a reason; to help in perishing darkness, to show the world that despite being related to scums such as Lestranges and Malfoys, she had grown out just fine.

Kingsley and Mad-eye then have told her everything about Sirius and Order and she had felt happy for her mother who had been vastly disappointed and heartbroken after Sirius's imprisonment.

But after they have left her flat, a thought had coursed through her body like lightning.

_He_ had been a part of first Order of Phoenix.

There was a hefty chance that he would be part of this second Order too, after all he had personal vendetta against you-know-who.

Granted he was alive or was still even in the country, she had thought bitterly.

She had heavily sat down on her sofa and had regretted saying yes to Mad-eye.

But had finally decided that _that_ phase of her life was long ago over where she took every decision of her life while keeping Remus Lupin in mind.

She had thought, like multiple times before, that what she would do if he ever came face to face with her. Because whenever she thought of him she experienced anger and hatred flow through her veins and then as the anger slowly ebbed away, it was replaced by a sense of betrayal and sadness.

Sadness because she was betrayed. Not because she missed him.

She often found herself wishing that he would meet her once, so she could tell him how well she was doing, despite his best attempts to destroy her. On the other hand, she never _ever_ wanted to see him, in case it brought back sweet turned bitter memories.

Three years back when _that_ had happened what shouldn't have, she had experienced the first and probably the worst depression of her life. For few weeks she had been completely unable to function. Had it not been for Mad-eye and her parents, she wouldn't have been able to cope, wouldn't have been able to come out of that deep pit of sorrow.

But they have helped her and though it had taken time, she had recovered.

The timing was crucial as she had been in Auror training programme by that time and her depression had affected her training. But with Mad-eye's devotion and her hard work, she had not only completed her training but had passed with flying colors except in stealth and tracking.

Mad-eye had known the reason of her depression and it had immensely surprised her that he was empathetic, that he hadn't lecture her about how love was waste of time as she had initially thought the case; he hadn't know the man's name.

So, for the past five days she had been preparing herself even if she also told herself that there also was a chance that he won't be there.

Tonks simply didn't know if she wanted him to be present or not.

When Sirius had shouted _Moony_, she had seen him and despite of mentally steeling herself, she had felt all the blood leaving her face, she had felt faint.

He had looked almost the same except the grey on his head had seemed to increase and his robes were shabbier.

True to her prediction, she had felt hatred...

And she had seen a look across his face that she knew too well.

_Shame_.

Well he should be ashamed; she had thought and had somehow managed to put on a fake smile.

She can be professional enough, she had reminded herself.

The worst had been when she had learned that she will have to be working with him, too soon. In fact her first duty would be with him.

She didn't know if she could be in close quarters to man who had caused her the _biggest_ heart break of her life, who had kissed her like she was cherished, who had been her first...

Absently her fist had clenched.

She hadn't been happy.

Now here she was hanging in uncertainty, when she reminded herself she needed to be professional. She was going to work with this man for a long time, better to start practicing from now on, to... To _tolerate_ him.

"I asked Dumbledore." said Sirius while seating himself beside her and she diverted her attention towards him. "He said Andromeda can be told about my innocence."

"That's wonderful Sirius! Mum would be so happy... Though I must admit she wouldn't be happy to learn that I joined the Order." she said genuinely feeling happy for both the cousins.

"Last time you were too small and therefore joining would have been a danger to _you_, and this time she probably thinks she's too old to fight." Sirius said in understanding.

"But look in here, Dedalus Diggle and Elphias Doge, they are way too old but they are fighting."

"You shouldn't hold that against her, Tonks, your mother is a brave, wonderful woman."

"You know you can call me Dora, after all, you were one of the very few people who agreed not to call me Nymphadora. Though Dad has got used to Dora, Mum still is adamant on my first name..."

Sirius chuckled. "So tell me, you don't have any younger siblings?" when she gave answer in negative, he said, "But why?"

"_Why?!_ God Sirius, I can't ask Mum that question, it would be way too awkward."

The two of them chatted for a long time, over a can of butterbeer and she forgot for few seconds that _he_ was supposed to be here too. Though when she looked around she realized he had probably left long ago.

She couldn't understand if it was relief or disappointment that she felt.

She could do it after all. She could handle Order and _Remus Lupin_ at the same time.

She finally reluctantly got up, telling Sirius that it was getting late with a promise that she would visit him soon.

Just as she was seeing herself out, she collided with a warm manly body.

So he hadn't left after all...

_He still smells the same_; she thought.

She didn't even bother to look at him more than a split second. She didn't need to be near him more than it required. She brushed past him as if he was a mere stranger on a street. Just as she was about to open the door she heard his voice.

"Goodnight, Pr- Do- Tonks."

She knew what he had initially wanted to say. _Goodnight, precious_, as he had said on so many nights, _Goodnight Dora_, as he had said so many times.

She didn't turn back, wrenched open the door, shutting it behind her with unwanted force, probably setting off that derange portrait in the hallway.

This time when she walked, she held her head high.


	3. Smoke gets in your eyes

_Hello!_

_Here's the new chapter and I finally got a beta, **Stars May Fall**, who has agreed to not only beta this current fic but also my many others, so thank you there :)_

* * *

She was way too uncoordinated on her feet there was no doubt, but when her natural clumsiness was coupled with nervousness, she wasn't just a bane to her own existence, but also a disaster to those who were in her close proximity.

It had all started when she had floo-ed to work this morning. She had tripped on her shaky legs and had effectively taken two ministry workers to the floor along with her. When she had managed to get off the floor she had barreled into a man carrying copies of ministry posters, adequately toppling him; which resulted in flying parchment all over the atrium. Then she had _somehow_ proceeded to walk, however her nervous wand twiddling had accidentally crashed two glass doors. As if _that_wasn't enough, she had tripped over a man carrying coffee in both of his hands, resulting in spilled coffee. All in all, she had created a record of her most disastrous walk to date from the floo to her cubicle.

She had never said _'Sorry'_ so frequently to so many people in the time span of one minute.

By the time she had reached her cubicle, she was wet with water, had coffee stains on her robes, had managed to probably twist her ankle, scalded herself and had gained a minor bruise on her forehead.

And it was just the beginning of the day.

Therefore, there was a reason she _loathed_ being nervous.

Otherwise she could at least manage a proper walk on her own two feet. She was an Auror after all. It wasn't a laughing matter.

The cause of her anxious state and willies was not her first guard duty, but the person she had to attend said guard duty with.

The bottom line was, she was dreading it. She felt faintly queasy whenever she thought about the upcoming night.

"Hey Tonks! Give me a pen, will you? My pen just died." Her colleague Auror, Eden, exclaimed over the side of her cubicle.

Tonks absently took out a random pen from the pen stand and passed it to him.

"Hey!" Eden's irate cry finally diverted her attention to him, only to see that his whole face was now covered with ink blots.

The pen she had so randomly thrown was broken in two, while one part of it still remained in her hand, the other had probably flown a few meters short, spreading ink here and there.

Looking at Eden's indignant ink blotted face, she finally lost it.

She bursted out laughing.

Eden didn't find it remotely funny though.

When her laughter was finally under control, she spoke up, "Come on Eden, don't you have magic? Just spell it away. Or let me do it."

As she aimed her wand at him, he gave a rather girly shriek. "Please spare me! You and your cleaning spells!"

As he cleaned the mess grumpily, Tonks smiled to herself. Laughing had loosened up her a bit. When disastrous incidents due to her clumsiness happened to strangers it was mortifying, but when they happened to friends, they were just funny.

"And listen-" Eden called after he had cooled down a little, "-We, that is Zoe's group is going drinking after work. Do you want to join us?"

"Oh no I can't. I'm sorry though." She really was. "I promised my mum I would meet her today. Sorry! Maybe next time." She would have normally given up apprehended guard duty any time for a drink with friends, but tonight was too important: It was her first Order assignment after all.

"Well, alright!" Eden looked slightly surprised but let her be.

She sighed. It wouldn't do her any good to be nervous, if anything it would make things worse for her. And he had always understood when he was getting on her nerves. He _still_ seemed to know her that well. But she had to show him, that she was just fine. That he didn't affect her anymore.

* * *

Tonks found herself looking at her reflection in the mirror.

_You are an Auror. You have to do what you got to do; without any emotions getting in the way. No matter how much you dislike it. It's your duty_.

She had to detach herself as much as she possibly could.

_Compartmentalize_. Mad-Eye had taught her that.

She took a deep breath and changed her hair to dark purple that would not be visible in the dark and was a short length.

Because _someone_ had liked long hair on her once.

No, no. She was keeping her hair short because it is easier to maintain that way, she told herself, long hair would just keep getting on her face and would hinder her vision.

With that thought in mind, she disapparated.

* * *

She landed on the top step of Grimmauld Place with an air of aloofness and disengagement around her.

She could do this she was sure.

She tiptoed down the hallway and into the kitchen which was the meeting room. She managed to not to knock anything down, though that didn't continue for long. For as she entered the room, she tripped over a chair, barely managing to stay on her feet. Even with her mishap, she could sense three people in the room. Two of which flinched at her fall while the third person made to get up to help her. Though they halted in their tracks.

It was... R- _Lupin_.

He still had the same reflex it seemed.

"Wotcher Molly, Sirius!" She said smiling, though she hesitated a tad when she looked at Lupin. She finally decided that it would be too weird if she didn't greet him in front of others, so she said a subdued a hello to him. In response he tried to smile.

"Tonks dear. You have to try these scones." She had barely seated herself before Molly was thrusting a plate in front of her nose. She hardly had any appetite but after taking in the delicious smell, she thought she could try a bit.

"Tonks!" Sirius greeted. "You're early, it's only eleven."

"Yeah, I thought, I would come and…" She tried to talk while eating so it came more like _'eh Tho Wo Com'_ earning her a disapproving glance from Molly.

And why was Lupin staring at her? If he wanted scones he could just ask Molly!

She swallowed and replied again. "I thought I would come and get to know what this stakeout is exactly about from... Uh... Lupin here." There she had said it. She had made him sound like a complete stranger.

Which he was.

Even in the time she had known him, he had been a stranger.

He looked rather taken aback when she addressed him by his surname.

Sirius tried to smile though it came more like a distorted frown.

"You alright Sirius?"

"I... I wish I could go with you... You know, I could acquaint you with the stakeout and all. I have been here for a week. It almost feels like Azkaban." He whispered the last part.

She was about to open her mouth when Molly beat her to it.

"Sirius, _almost _like Azkaban." She said softly. "Remember the difference dear. Besides you have people who care for you for company and soon we will move in and Harry will be here too."

Molly though not old enough to be Sirius's mother, acted like it. She definitely cajoled him like a mother soothing his child. Tonks wasn't sure if it helped matters or not, though she watched gratitude fill Lupin's eyes at Molly's statement.

She wondered how long that would comfort Sirius though.

Sirius smiled a bit at the mention of Harry.

"Tell me about Harry, Sirius. Mum told me that you were-_are_ his godfather."

He sighed softly. It was a sigh of longing.

"Harry... You know I remember seeing him for the first time after I broke out. I was astonished because before I was imprisoned, he had been so _tiny_. He had fit perfectly in my arms." He said, making a gesture as if holding a baby. "And when I saw him after twelve years, Merlin, for a moment I felt as if it was James standing in front of me. Harry was one of the things that kept me sane in Azkaban. I kept thinking that I had to get out of there for _him._ He needed his godfather; isn't that what godfathers do, when a child's parents aren't there? Be there for them? I also thought about Andromeda… would she be disappointed in me? Or would she still trust me? I thought about you too Tonks... That you must have been growing up so fast- joining Hogwarts, deciding your career, and falling in love."

He chuckled. She didn't.

"And I thought about Moony here, what could have happened if in the past I had kept enough faith in him..." he trailed off. Lupin looked as if he knew what he had been about to say as he squeezed his friend's shoulder in a gesture that spoke the words _'Don't think about it anymore friend, it won't change anything.'_

The silence rung through the room after Sirius stopped talking. She could see a sheen of tears in Molly's eyes. Sirius had gone pale and rigid as hopelessness radiated off of him. While her own eyes were stinging a bit... And...

_He_ was blinking more than usual.

With a sinking heart she realized that whatever had happened after the Potters' death had affected Remus as much as it had Sirius. It was personal for him too. She remembered the time they had been together, so many times he had mentioned his desire to see Harry and how he had promised Dumbledore about not seeing him, as he had understood not exposing Harry to the wizarding world yet. The sudden appearance of an old friend of Harry's parents would have raised countless questions...

Sirius had been Harry's godfather and he loved him like a son. But Remus loved him as deeply.

Tonks suddenly realized she was feeling sympathetic for him. Something she couldn't do.

Focus Tonks. Compartmentalize.

She cleared her throat and spoke gently to Sirius. "Hey, I have something for you."

Sirius looked taken aback, looking in the air around her as if he expected her to pop out a colored paper wrapped box. But it was something more special than that.

"I told Mum about you, she sent you this and this." She plunged eagerly into her handbag, handing both of the items to Sirius.

One was a letter, while the other was a box of Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies handmade by her Mum.

"Merlin these were my favorite!" He exclaimed like an excited little boy. "Every weekend on my holidays when I would visit her, she would _always_ give me these. It was one of the reason she was my favorite cousin. Unlike the other Blacks, her cooking was marvelous."

He then picked up the letter. "What-"

"I know, its twelve pages in total. She... She said though that you truly deserve a 4380 page letter, one page for everyday of those twelve years, but she knew your aversion to _reading_, so it's one page for each year. She apologized for… well I am sure she must have written something about _that_. And Dad said _'Hello'_ and _'Now that he is back and innocent, Oatmeal Chocolate Chips cookies are finally being made in this house again."_

Sirius smiled fondly; though the shadows in his eyes were still present.

"Thank you Dora." Tonks felt warmth rise in her heart in response to hearing the nickname he had called her when she was a young child.

He got up taking the cookies and letter in his hands. "I'd rather devote my time to this in private. Tell your mother I will reply to this."

And with that he walked away with an excited pace.

"I must go too. Arthur and children will be waiting." Molly spoke with concern.

Re-Lupin like the kind man he was saw her to the kitchen door.

And with that it was the two of them alone. _Alone_.

Tonks took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Would you like some tea?" Lupin spoke from somewhere in front of her as she twiddled her thumbs while looking down at the table top.

Suddenly she felt claustrophobic. She could feel her confidence draining; she didn't think she could do this. It was bringing back too many memories. This situation was acting like a dementor. It was suffocating her.

_Tonks entered her flat, back from her first day of Auror training. And Merlin it had been exhausting! They haven't done anything physical today, but an Orientation program had been conducted for the new trainees. They had been introduced to Ministry officials, were given a tour of whole building, and had been assigned to their mentors. She had been assigned to Alastor Moody._

_The gravity of what she was partaking in had not been realized by her until today._

_"Are you back?" Remus's sweet and more than welcomed voice came from hallway. His voice was like a melody to her ears after hours of Moody's gruff lecturing tone._

_"Merlin No! I am not back; it's merely my spirit strolling in here." Sarcasm laced her words as she threw herself in his arms as soon as his lean and muscular self appeared. He hugged her tighter to his chest, taking all her weight on himself while she merely sagged into his body like a ragdoll. He rocked her lovingly, understanding her need for comfort. That's why she loved him so much. He always kissed her first; leaving questions for later._

_After a few minutes, He tucked her long shiny pink hairs behind her ears and gave her a peck on her lips._

_"Would you like some tea?" He whispered gently._

_"Just the way I like it?" She mumbled into his chest._

_"Just the way you like it." His words were filled with love as he kissed her lips again._

_He really did spoil her rotten._

The memory that had once brought a smile to her face, now hurt like a bitch.

"Tonks?" His voice, which sounded far away, dimly registered in her mind.

However, she didn't respond as a flash appeared in front of her eyes.

_She was sobbing hysterically onto her bathroom floor with scissors in her hand. Her original hairs, the ones she had been born with, were strewn on the floor. The hair that had once reached her waist, was now barely past her ears._

_She had cut it all off._

_Because he had loved and complimented her long hairs._

_He had stroked her hair all the way to the ends of the strands. Had combed it even, when he had felt extra affectionate (Which had mostly been after full moons) and would play with it randomly. He had loved having her hair spread to its full length on his pillow so he could place his head on it while burying his face into her neck._

_Now, she had cut it with her own hands, in a sudden bout of madness, the hairs she had so lovingly nourished to health._

_Because after weeks of denial, she had realized that he wasn't coming back._

_It wasn't as if she couldn't grow them back if she wanted to._

_Hell, she was born with the ability to change it back instantly. But that would have felt fake and though she didn't mind changing herself in front of the world. She had always preferred having her natural form while in her lover's arms._

_The lover that was now gone._

_Betrayal_; that's what he had done. She had given him her heart so willingly; he had cherished it for a time. But only long enough to destroy it into pieces when he left.

He had broken not just her heart but her spirit as well.

His leaving had been the ultimate sin. No matter what the reasoning behind it had been.

"Nymphadora? Are you listening?" His voice now showed traces of panic.

_'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent!'_ Mad-Eye's barking voice resounded in her ears. _'No one has effing right to make you feel inferior other than yourself. Get up girl and show them what a so called fragile woman can do!'_

She met his eyes with a sudden fierceness.

"No, I don't drink tea. I prefer coffee." Her voice was now clipped and sharp. She didn't said 'I don't drink tea _anymore'_ because that would have meant that once she had used to and that would have also meant having to acknowledge their shared past.

He swallowed painfully.

"I- We..uh.. Don't have coffee at the moment. I will make sure to keep some in the future though."

"Don't bother. I actually came early to know what the stakeout was exactly about."

He nodded and seated himself in front of her. He looked tired. She guessed that the full moon was to be in few days though she couldn't say for sure. She had stopped keeping track of the lunar cycle ages ago.

"Mad-Eye told me that you have a map of Dolohov's house. I want to see it." Her voice sounded robotic; exceptionally professional.

He summoned the parchment and passed it to her without a word. She preferred it that way. This silence was a good development.

After looking away from him, she studied the map. The map showed a weird place for a wealthy Death Eater to live in…the middle of a forest clearing.

"Is it some kind of secondary house or a warehouse for something?" She questioned into the silence.

He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"You guessed it right. It's more like his secret hide out. Not many know of it. The ones who do are mostly the inner circle of Voldemort. Back in First War, it was almost like their nerve center. Their base. His main house is in a wealthy locality."

"Isn't he in Azkaban?"

"Well yes. But the Order asked Alastor to place some trackers there a few days ago. He picked up some activity. We have reason to believe the place is being used again."

"And what we need to do...?"

"Just hide and watch in secret to see what they are doing. Nothing more. Nothing less."

"What if they are using some kind of trackers too?"

"We will sweep the area once with locating spells... Quietly."

"And how do we know that they wouldn't have located our trackers by using the same spells?" She knew she sounded like a pure interrogator, but it was her job.

She didn't want him to be in any delusion that she was stalling the conversation for the sake of the pleasure of his company.

"Alastor placed the Ministry's special ones. Ones that he was the only one to have authority over in the past. After he retired, he took them with him while telling the Ministry that they were destroyed. Though really he just kept them with him in his home. If they have been compromised at all, we will know instantly."

Typical Mad-Eye…

"How will we camouflage ourselves? Invisibility cloak or are we using the disillusionment charm?"

"Invisibility cloak." He gave a straight answer right away but wouldn't look into her eyes. He also looked vastly uncomfortable.

She felt the same way but she pushed it aside. "Tell me the location, I will apparate there right away."

"It... Would be better if you side-along with me. It's in the middle of a forest. That could be dangerous. You won't be able to land at an accurate point."

_"I am dangerous, precious. I could harm you more than physically." He murmured in a sad voice, while she was half-asleep in his arms._

_Dangerous_.

That had always been his excuse for everything.

But the Auror within her found herself agreeing to him regardless. Her apparating alone might put her inches away from the spot and it could bust the secrecy of Order.

Reluctantly, she nodded in agreement.

Seeing that he got up. "I'll inform Sirius. It will take us few minutes to sweep the area. We will be relieving Hestia and Sturgis."

He came back after about five minutes and together they walked in silence to the apparition point.

He offered his arm, asking silently for her to hold onto him; in response, she hesitantly grabbed his arm with both of her hands.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Ready."

With that they disapparated, the resounding crack echoing in the silent alley.

* * *

_I haven't yet written a scene where Tonks trips on the umbrella stand because I find it exhausting to write; meaning she will trip, then someone will help her though setting off Mrs. Black in process, then someone will have to shut her up... well you got the idea..._

_The quote 'no one can insult you without your consent' is not mine, though whose it is I don't know._

_In next chapter, we'll get to know how they met for the first time._

_Also it will encourage me vastly if you can provide feedback, through reviews, favorite or following the story, if you like it of course._

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed :)_


	4. A total eclipse of the heart

_Thanks to **Stars May Fall** for the beta work._

_Also thanks to leilalolalee, Guinastasia, remusdora, Guest, PablosGirl for reviewing!_

* * *

Remus and Tonks apparated as close as possible to the forest clearing. And he hated every second of it. Every step he took was like a battle against gravity; all he wanted to do was to simply lie down and forget everything.

It hurt more than he cared to admit to feel the downright hatred emanating from _her_ of all the people. He had lived nearly all his life as a werewolf and therefore glaring glances and malicious intents directed at him was nothing new. But the same from her was like a question mark against his very own existence. That stung like a knife to his gut.

He abruptly took hold of her elbow and pulled her to his side when he saw something she probably hadn't noticed yet.

"What?" She hissed, looking at him.

"Look there." He pointed at the ground that was covered in darkness.

"Wh-What's that?"

"It's a foothold trap..." He answered while she looked at the steel made trap. "Probably for wanderers like _us_, set up by _them_."

"But aren't those muggles contraptions?"

"They are. They must have seen the advantage in having them. They are very cunning muggle instruments."

"Death Eaters using _a muggle _trap is hypocrisy at its best." She muttered bitterly with a grimace.

"They may be charmed though. I am sure they are spelled to not tip off when any person with a dark mark stumbles upon them. They usually are." He finished quietly. He'd had enough experiences with Death Eaters and their tricks during his time in the Order to know that.

"Thanks." She said awkwardly while making a jerking gesture towards the trap.

He nodded back in acknowledgement. As he did, he suddenly noticed how close she was.

She _still_ complemented his height and the way she smelled...

He jerked himself out of his thoughts and forced himself to speak. "It would be better if I lead the way from here and you follow. My vision... is better at night and it would be dangerous to light our wands."

She visibly hesitated.

"You can count on me. I promise."

At that statement she threw him a dirty glance and he realized he had said the wrong thing _again_.

"Lead." she said curtly, just one word in a sharp tone, reminiscent to their colleague Minevra McGonagall.

In response, he turned and started walking. Making sure to pay heed to his surroundings rather than the unsure touch of her hand on his elbow.

One slip up by him and before they could blink; they would be as good as dead.

She walked stealthily enough in situations like these, her clumsy nature rarely surfaced. As they walked, he had time to consider the past and how it was impacting them both now.

It had hurt him to realize that she had tried to change herself after their break-up (Could it be called a break up?). That she had tried to remove _any_ traces that he might have left on her. When she had refused his offer of tea (And the way she had said '_I don't drink tea'),_ the reason for her short hair length had dawned on him among other things.

It wasn't just one of her impulsive hairstyles done for a day. She probably wore her hair that way all the time now; for the specific reason that he had _loved_ her long hair (Not that there was any problem in having short hair).

He had once told her that she looked pixie-like with short hair, but that she managed to cultivate elegance and gracefulness when using a long hairstyle. She had laughed at him in amusement, not quite believing him. But it had been true.

She might have tried to change herself in the way she held herself outwardly, but he could still glimpse the old Dora in the way her eyes twinkled (Or _glared_ in his case). The way she smiled was exactly the same...

He couldn't say he exactly regretted the decision he made in the past. Yes he did regret letting her go every second of his life, had repented the _situation_ and _circumstances_ they were in but he couldn't regret the _reason_ behind his decision. He couldn't regret his _intents_ as they were honest and had always revolved around her. Whatever he had done, had been for her own good.

His decision seemed to have paid off anyhow. She was better off now. The ring proved that.

When they finally reached the perimeter, they both swept the area with perfunctory spells.

"There are Hestia and Sturgis." He said pointing towards an empty spot under one of the trees.

"How can you tell?" she asked bemusedly. He felt a drowning relief at her tone. At least she wasn't angry now.

"We asked them to charm the leaves to fall under the tree they would be sitting. Around the time they were to be relieved so there would be no confusion."

"Clever." She murmured.

Using slow and careful methods, they both made their presence known to Hestia and Sturgis. When the two guards noticed their signal, they gave them the cloak, and bided them a goodnight before apparating away in relief.

Fitting under the invisibility cloak was the first strenuous and awkward step of the mission. Something they had not prepared for. The cloak was big enough to accommodate two people, but not without squashing them together into an uneasy position especially for two people that didn't want to be close.

He was tall; where as she hadn't exactly grown smaller in three years, her figure was if anything... _fuller_.

It was a cruel _cruel_ joke that destiny was playing at their expense- that their first time truly alone had to be like this. A moment he had been both yearning and dreading; yearning because he still loved her, dreading because she was now… someone else's wife.

"Why couldn't they give us _two_ cloaks?" She muttered angrily as she tried to fit under it comfortably. At the same time, she accidentally bumped his stomach with a sharp elbow.

"The Order only has two. The other is with those standing guard at the Ministry." He whispered, swallowing back his gasp of pain.

After a few more minutes of hustle, they were finally seating _somewhat_ comfortably next to each other on the dusty and prickly ground hidden among sharp bushes. As she hugged her knee to her chest, her huffy mood was clearly visible on her face. Sitting this close once would have been very romantic for them, but now...

"Your foot is peeking out."

She irritatingly stuffed it closer though unintentionally she pushed him in such a way that now _his_ foot was peeking out.

"Wait." He tried to placate her as she failed to adjust the _damn_ cloak correctly around them. This was bothering her way _too_ much. Was she more uncomfortable than she let on? If she was; she would _hate_ the solution running through his head.

He hesitantly put one of his arms around her shoulder. The other wrapped itself slowly around her knee, dragging her little closer to the place where he sat. Once they were squished together, he adjusted the cloak in a way that it engulfed them completely without anymore mishaps.

However, he had drawn her _too_ close while adjusting the cloak, because as he happened to glance at her; he found her starting at him, with the usual coldness that had shadowed her eyes since they met again strangely absent.

He suddenly became aware that he had left one of his hands on her shoulder. The other had shifted towards her calf.

He thought about removing them but she seemed to be holding her breath and her eyes had softened in _almost _the same way they had in past moments like this.

He could feel their breaths mingling.

He wanted so badly to lean forward...It was so tempting… It would feel right and natural he was sure.

But suddenly she looked away and he was brought back down to reality.

What had he been thinking?

He drew his hands back as if burnt even if they were still crushed together. He quickly forced himself to look at Dolohov's abandoned house while she too began her own watch.

He wanted to ask her so many things. How she was? What had she done during all these years? The most important thing that he was _dying_ to ask was of course about…

But he was sure he wouldn't like the answer she would give in return.

"How-how have you been?" He whispered, risking a glance towards her.

They were still way _too_ close to each other. His lips were mere centimeters away from her cheek.

She kept her eyes trained on the house.

"Fine." She said quietly, though her initial fire from the beginning of the night had died.

He again looked away. What to ask now? _'So you got married?'_ _'Who's your husband?'_ _'What flowers did you use in your wedding?' 'Did it really take that short time for you to get over me?'_

"You must be pretty good, I take it?" she asked scornfully, turning to look him right in the eye.

_No, I'm Miserable, lonely, despondent, and heartbroken..._

"I try to be..." he said instead and trailed off, as she gave a bitter laugh.

It didn't suit her...

Bitterness was the farthest concept from her mind back when they had first met. When she had been sweet, young and yet wiser than her age- an eighteen year old Nymphadora Tonks.

As she continued to glare at him; He turned back to remembering their first meeting.

It was _vivid _as if it had happened just yesterday.

* * *

_Summer, 1991_

Remus sat on the lush green grass with kids surrounding him. There was a slow cool breeze blowing that put him at ease. After Hogwarts, this was probably his favorite place to be. He felt at home here. Because everyone knew him, and yet no one _really_ knew who- _what_ he was.

It was a muggle orphanage, ran by an old kind muggle lady, with children of almost every age up to seventeen. Remus had developed an aching hole in his heart which would never be filled when he had realized that he could never have children of his own. And as the saying goes 'One wants that what one can't have', he loved children. He was amused by their innocence. He enjoyed their smiles. And he tried to keep up with their never ending curiosity and questions.

His visits here had started with a simple event.

He had been roaming through the streets of Muggle London aimlessly when he had found a small child (no more than five) trying to cross the road in, at least that was what it seemed to him, the pursuit of a ball. He had been alone and his lack of safety had troubled Remus. He had without much thought asked the child to stay put. He had then bought the ball to him and had asked where he lived. He had been surprised to learn that the boy lived in a building right across from them.

When he had gone to drop him off, he had also learned that it was an orphanage. Remus had met the old lady running it for the first time then. She had expressed her immense gratitude for bringing 'James' back home. He surprisingly had ended up spending hours there, talking to the woman, Julia who told him all about the orphanage and the children.

The building looked ransacked and dingy. However, Julia's love for gardening had resulted in a rather lavish lawn with all the varieties of muggle flowers that she could grow. One couldn't help but feel serene at a place like this.

It was a safe haven.

Ever since that morning, he had started spending his Saturday and Sunday afternoons here. One of the plus points was nobody knew he was a werewolf and thus nobody could frown at him for spending time with children. He would often see, rich people dropping by in their cars, making donations and charities and it often saddened him that he couldn't help these kids in the same way. Even with that idea pricking his mind, the kids seemed to love him so he never really complained.

So here he was on this lovely day; leaning against the pillar while he watched them play hide and seek. Their laughter drifted to his ears even at this distance. It was wonderful.

"Excuse me?"

He lifted his head up to see a girl peering up at him with a curious expression upon her face. She had brown eyes and shoulder length black hair that fell around her heart shaped kind face. She wore simple muggle clothes; a green t-shirt and blue jeans.

"Yes?" He answered politely.

"Mind if I sit here?" She asked with a melodious voice while pointing to the ground next to him.

"Sure." He shifted, making a space for her. He couldn't help but wonder what a pretty girl like her would want to talk about to someone like him. She looked to be in her early twenties.

"My name is Tonks by the way." She extended her hand warmly, which he shook gently in return. Although she had a soft palm, her handshake was firm and strong.

"Call me Remus." She smiled and for the first time Remus looked straight into her face. She had lovely eyes and an even lovelier smile.

"You know I have seen you here so many times. I always watch you playing with the kids. You even help them with their studies. But never did I once see you giving them any kind of monetary help."

He felt heat crawling up his face in embarrassment and shame in response to her statement.

"Er..."

"Oh no no no..!" She exclaimed and he looked at her, startled by the reaction.

"I didn't mean it _that_ way." She said with wide eyes as a look of comprehension dawned on her face. "I didn't mean to offend you, it came out all _wrong_." She looked really apologetic and in her haste, she even placed her hand on his shoulder absent mindedly. He felt his skin going warm beneath his shirt at her touch.

Before he could open his mouth, she spoke again."_Please_ let me explain! What I meant was that I often see people coming here making charities or dropping hefty amounts of money in the donation box but they never really bother to actually look at the children. To actually see how are they living. As if their money alone makes everything just fine for them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate their help, but even though these kids have each other to play with, they need adult company and guidance too. And Julia, God bless that woman, does enough but she is not able to give the time to all the children while the other matrons are too busy doing their jobs to truly pay attention to them."

She paused for a second before continuing. "You are one of the first I've seen who actually seems to care. I mean, I think you even know all of their names and what they like- colors, books, things like that. That was all I was meaning to ask. How come in this self indulgent and busy life you are able to find time for others? Find time to care even about their issues? So many people don't."

She finished breathlessly and he couldn't help but smile at her awkwardness. Surprisingly his humiliation at her initial question had vanished; he even calmed down a bit.

"You are awfully observant." He replied, looking at her through his fringe, avoiding the primary question.

This time she blushed faintly. "Well..."

"I... Well I am unemployed." He blurted out the words quickly.

It wasn't as if she expected something from him. He couldn't possible disappoint a muggle stranger so it was better to tell the truth. How could he disappoint someone who didn't even know him?

Because that was one thing he could do with stranger; he could be honest about the little things. "And I love children."

"Oh... I am sorry if I offended you in anyway..."

"Don't bother, really. I get what you meant to say. I knew a friend once, who always wanted to say one thing and would actually speak something entirely different. He could never get his tongue to say the right things." He thought of his late friend Peter with an inner sigh.

She nodded and softened her posture. As she did, she leaned against the pillar too. They were now shoulder to shoulder.

"You know about me. But I've never really seen you here before." He stated questionably. He was strangely comfortable with having her close to him. Usually he would be shifting away by now.

His question was because he had been coming here for a long time, and by the looks of things she had been too. But he had never seen her and that was a horrible mistake on his part.

"Because you are always too busy with the kids to notice anyone else." She replied well naturedly.

"How come you find time for this place in a self-indulgent and busy life?" He asked, repeating her earlier question.

She smiled sadly with a flicker of sorrow in her eyes. Sadness didn't suit her, he immediately decided.

"It's a long story... I found this girl, abandoned by her parents... I couldn't keep her with me as my schedule does not allow it. So I brought her here in hopes she could find a family someday. I come here every Sunday to see her. She's sick, so she's mostly inside in her room. That's the reason you've never seen me before this."

He felt anger at people who were graced with children and yet decided to throw that blessing away. Whereas, unfortunate and cursed people like him, craved for such blessings and couldn't have them. He also felt gratitude that people like her were present in this world to help correct that problem.

"Uncle Remus!" James' shout pulled him out of his reverie.

The boy was strangely enough a look alike of his name sake and whenever he looked at him, he was reminded of both Harry and James with a pang. The boy pointed towards the boundary and Remus instantly understood. He had managed to throw his ball off of the boundary, _again_. How a boy of his age managed it, Remus had no idea. Sometimes he wondered if James might be magical.

"I'll just go and get his ball back." He mumbled hurriedly to the girl.

He was reluctant to get up but also wanted to finish the task soon so that he can talk to her some more. He was anxious that she might leave in his absence. Therefore he wasted no time in running to get it and handed it off to James in record time.

He didn't know why but he felt relaxed with her and he didn't want her to leave so soon after they had met each other.

When he returned, she was still there though she was watching him closely. He found himself shifting a bit self consciously because of that. He wasn't exactly in his best looking clothes.

As he sat next to her, she blurted out."You are a wizard."

He started and looked at her in astonishment.

"How-"

"Your wand was sticking out of your pocket." She managed to say smugly. Though as the words left her mouth, her eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth with her hands in embarrassment. She shook her head vigorously.

"I didn't- Merlin why doesn't the earth just open up and swallow me!"

He couldn't help but laugh at her predicament. "And here I thought my _wand_ was secure in my pocket."

She hit him playfully on his arm; as if they have been friends since forever, though she was still red faced.

"So, you are a witch?"

"Yeah... Who would have thought that two magical people would meet in such a muggle place."

"Reckon any of the kids are magical?"

"I wonder sometimes... But then we won't truly know unless Dumbledore comes to find them when they turn eleven."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, though for some reason, Remus found himself smiling a little bit more. It had been a long time since anyone besides the people at the orphanage had willingly sought out his company.

"Can I ask you something?" She said suddenly and he wondered what bizarre question would escape her mouth _this_ time.

"Fire away." He replied even if he generally wasn't comfortable with sharing information about himself.

"Are you a shape-shifter?" She questioned with a peculiar look in her eyes.

This time, her question caught him off guard. There was no way she could have guessed that randomly.

He wasn't that obvious -he hoped.

"What do you mean?" He tried to compose himself while seeming casual.

"I can feel it... I can sense it in you." She said with the same amount of curiosity that he often encountered among the children of the orphanage.

"What do you mean you can feel it?"

"I am a shape-shifter too..." She grinned.

They both stared at each other for few seconds. Both trying to figure out who was exactly in front of them.

_'There is no chance in hell she's a werewolf. She seems healthy enough. So she must be an animagus_.' He was thinking about that to himself when suddenly his eyes flicked absentmindedly over her hair and he was awestricken.

"Pardon me, but weren't your hair a shade darker a moment ago?" He asked. Without meaning to, he picked up a strand that had been stuck to her cheek between his fingers for a closer look. As soon as he realized what he was doing, he removed his hands as if they had been burnt. She hadn't seemed to mind though.

"Are you a metamorphmagus?" He asked as she smiled sweetly back.

"You are the first one to guess correctly on the first try. I didn't even realize that my hair had changed. That's why I picked such a normal color for a muggle place. It's easier to keep tabs on it. So, what shape-shifter are you?" She asked conversationally.

"What did you mean by you could feel it?" He asked again, buying time. It wouldn't be long now before she would figure it out.

"We, metamorphmagi, are really rare and we can sense shape shifting genes among other people. I have experienced it a few times before, like when I met Professor McGonagall. Are you an animagus too?"

He shook his head, looking for a way to both to escape her questions and her presence.

"A metamorphmagus?" He shook his head again. There weren't many options left now and he was really getting uncomfortable now.

"A boggart?" she asked cheekily and he couldn't help but chuckle even as he upgraded to a state of panic.

"If I am a boggart, then I am your worst fear."

"Nah..." She trailed off. "I am not afraid of werewolves." She said casually and he couldn't help but look right into her eyes.

"I- Look, I am not even here near full moons-" He could hear hysteria creeping into his voice.

She wasn't supposed to know, no one was supposed to know as new traveled fast within the wizarding world. He'd had a hard enough time as it was trying to keep his condition a secret.

"-I don't visit three days before full moons or three days after, so I am not a danger to these kids, please-"

"Relax." She said softly placing her hand over his. "You are overreacting. I understand that you aren't a danger. I _know_. And there's no reason for you to _not_ to visit them three days after or even before the full moon. You are safe even then with the right precautions."

He calmed under her touch and at her words. And for a moment he had difficulty understanding the levity of his situation. He was a werewolf and she didn't seem to mind. She was telling him that he was safe, was touching him even. He briefly wondered if this was some kind of trap but then dismissed it as his own paranoia. She didn't seem to be the distrusting type.

"You really don't mind that someone like me is in the same company as the kids and you?"

"Why would I? Do I seem illiterate to you? I am not that naive." She asked incredulously as if her reaction was the same as everyone else's in the wizarding world when they found out what he was.

He could have kissed her then and there.

And _that_ thought brought him back to reality. Where had that came from? He finally decided it was an after effect of a beautiful witch favoring his condition. After all it wasn't a daily occurrence.

In fact, her accepting him without battling an eyelash was entirely new.

He realized that she was not yet tainted with society's prejudice and enmity towards werewolves. She was not naive but she definitely had an innocent sense of morality- Of right and wrong. Which was often found among the youth about to start their life and the ones who were not yet corrupted with society's rotten notions and bitterness. _They_ had been that way too when they had first joined the Order.

He chatted with her for a while and for some strange reason he felt she enjoyed his company.

It was by far the weirdest experience of his life.

He had barely known her for a few minutes, and not only had he told her his deepest and darkest secret, but she seemed to endure his condition and him with a perfect ease.

She would never know but that singularly had earned respect for her in his heart forever.

She told him that she had just graduated from Hogwarts and was waiting for her NEWTs results. If she got the required marks; she would be appearing for the Auror entrance exam next month. He had been shocked to learn that she was barely eighteen.

For some reason, he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach on learning her age, along with a nagging inner voice that harassed his thoughts, exclaiming that she way too young; she was still a teenager even if she was of age.

Why it bothered him so much was something he couldn't get a hold on.

They both ended up staying late at the Orphanage than they both ever had in the past.

When it was finally time to part, he saw a sad reluctance in her eyes as well. It was as if she didn't want to go back to the life she had come from. The same held true for him.

That day he went back to his home with a satisfaction that he had made the first new friend in almost in a decade. Even if that friend was _too_ young.

He couldn't wait for Sunday to come in the hopes of seeing her again.

The next time that he saw her, he felt as if he had known her all his life and he got the chance to admire her beauty in the sunlight. They both felt as if they could be just themselves in the presence of the other.

Without any pretence and without any expectations.

They walked side by side admiring Julia's garden that surrounded them.

"That woman is a genius. This type of garden would be difficult to achieve even with a wand and she's a muggle."

They stopped before a bed of pink colored carnations.

"I would pluck this one for you, if I wasn't scared of Julia murdering me." He spoke in a bout of excitement without thinking. It was just his second day of knowing her after all.

He hoped she wouldn't take offence and looked at her apprehensively. She was still smiling.

"Have you never plucked flowers for a girlfriend from a forbidden place, Remus?" She spoke cheekily and his heart skipped a beat upon hearing his name upon her lips.

"Never really had many girlfriends."

He didn't know why he did it, but he plucked a carnation anyway, while looking into her eyes. It was as if he was making some kind of statement. As if he wanted to prove something to her.

_What_, even he himself didn't know.

Something strange was happening to him, something which his mind couldn't grasp.

She took it hesitantly though her eyes were intense. Maybe it was happening to her too?

"Every flower has a meaning." she said brushing her finger over the flower.

"This one means 'fascination', and 'distinction'."

This time when they reached the gate, she was looking at him in expectation and he decided he couldn't wait a whole another week to meet her.

He was lonely man with no friends and he really enjoyed her company, so he drew up his courage and asked. "There's this small muggle coffee shop, would you-"

"Yes, I am hungry anyways. Want to grab a sandwich too?" She replied before he could even finish his sentence.

_That_ was the beginning of their friendship.

Ever since then, it became an unwritten rule after their visits. They would both take time off and visit the Orphanage on any day of week that they could. And after spending some time with children, they would always visit the coffee shop. They would grab coffee, sandwiches, or sometimes ice cream. Once the food was purchased, they would eat in a park near the shop.

He could have swore that time spend with her passed faster than it usually did. They never discussed meeting the next day; they just met. Soon it wasn't just Sundays.

Somehow she found some time out of her Auror studies to visit on Saturdays and even Fridays.

As the weeks passed by their days of meeting only increased. As well as the time they spent talking.

* * *

"What are you smiling at?" She inquired; he hadn't realized he had a soft smile on his face.

"Thinking about the first time we met." He said looking at her, as if they were three years back in time. Sitting in that park under the tree on their favorite bench. As if situation wasn't adverse, as if she wasn't married...

The thought squeezed his stomach uncomfortably.

"Me too." She whispered and looked away.

He had a nagging sensation that he had seen moisture in her eyes. He felt the uncontrollable urge to comfort her.

"Did you meet someone?" He asked finally.

He could no longer contain himself. He knew her answer would hurt him, but that wouldn't stop him now. He _needed_ to know.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You got married didn't you?"

For a moment he thought he saw amusement flash through her eyes, as if the notion was absurd but swiftly, that expression washed away, replaced by a livid one.

"How dare you!" she hissed at him. The muscle at her temple jumped as it always did whenever she was beyond angry.

He was sure she would have growled if they weren't supposed to maintain a whispered silence.

"How dare you suggest, I would _ever_ be able to love- _trust_ even, _anybody_, after you- you _left_ me in the dead of the night without even bothering to leave a damn _note_!"

He winced internally. He completely ignored the implication of her statement however, which meant that she was not married. He also forced himself to ignore the bubble of joy that rose in him; knowing it still didn't change anything. But he couldn't deny that he felt as if tons of boulders have been lifted from his chest. He couldn't deny he was beyond relieved.

"Look, about what I did. I know it may have hurt you-"

"May!" She snorted, looking disgusted.

"_Definitely_ hurt you but my intention _never_ was... my goal has _always_ been to see you happy. For you to be accomplished."

"I really don't know what your _definitions_ for me being happy and accomplished are Lupin. Do I look them?"

He winced. "I-I cannot make you understand the reasons for my decisions, and I know it's too late for that. I know it won't change anything. What was lost is lost. But I wanted to try to explain."

He did feel the urge to defend himself. Yes he had left her. That action had been the most difficult thing he had ever done in his life to date. To walk away from the only person he ever loved and the one who ever loved him, _willingly_, was like taking a bullet in his chest.

It had been the most selfish and yet _selfless_ thing he had ever done. But it hurt him even more. It cut him deeper to know that she thought that it hadn't hurt him equally as much when he had left her.

His thoughts were too complicated. And as much as he wanted to simply hold her and kiss her like a there was no tomorrow, what he had said still held true. It would change _nothing_. He still was a werewolf, unworthy and unclean.

"Don't tell me what was lost is lost! You have no idea about what I lost." She whispered, her fierceness leaving her and sadness taking over.

He didn't say anything in response. He merely took a deep breath and tried to calm his racing nerves by taking in her scent as they were _still_ mere centimeters apart.

"I think it would be prudent, if we don't work together after this. It is supposedly dangerous to the secrecy of Order and definitely for our mutual sanity." She said after few minutes.

He felt a panic flash in his heart. The kind of panic he knew he would feel if he were in a public place and was to suddenly start transforming. As if everything was slipping from his hand, and he could do _nothing_; it was a feeling of pure helplessness.

He had lived three years without even seeing her face; he had never expected to see her again. But now that she was back in his life, even if not in the way he truly desired, the thought of losing her gripped his chest in a fit of fear.

_But_ _you can't lose what you don't have._

"Listen, Dora."

In a rush of frenzy he grabbed her hand; her left hand. He felt electricity course through his body at the skin to skin touch. Her fingers were ice cold. He felt her bare ring finger and the evidence that there was no ring residing there and felt more relief along with confusion. As he looked into her eyes, he could see that she seemed taken aback by his gesture.

"I am sorry. I know, it's not enough, it _never_ will be and I also know it won't change anything but _please_ all I can ask for is your forgiveness. I cannot bear this _hatred_ you have for me. Please _forgive_ me." He pleaded, even as he realized how pathetic he sounded, he couldn't find it in himself to particularly care.

She slowly slipped his hand away from hers.

"Please, do me a favor. Don't call me Dora and don't touch me again." Her voice wobbled as she spoke

It wasn't a warning. It was a request, as if it was beyond her comprehension what she would do, what would happen to her if he were to do either thing again. There was no spite in her words.

Just as he opened his mouth to speak, his sensitive ears picked up a rustle in bushes. By the looks of it, so did she, as they both slipped into attentive modes, wands firmly in their hands.

They looked forward and saw a hooded figure approaching the building. Remus slipped a hand into his pocket and took out the binoculars Mad-Eye had given him yesterday.

"It's Goyle." He barely whispered into her ear. She nodded in acknowledgment. They watched to see if there was any sign that the Death Eater had heard them, but Goyle being the dumb person that he was, walked through the door without a backward glance.

"They _are_ gathering together after all." She whispered back after a few seconds of absolute silence.

After that excitement, they sat in utter silence for the next hour. Waiting for Kingsley to relieve them. Waiting for _something_ to change. An air of awkwardness had engulfed them once more.

He had lost his control in his desperation. He didn't know what he had been trying to achieve by his pleading for forgiveness. But he knew whatever he had hoped for had not happened.

After an hour and a half, they found themselves near the apparition point as Kingsley waved goodbye at them.

"I will bring my report to you before the meeting tomorrow." She said briskly and professionally.

Before he could even blink or open his mouth, she had disapparated.

He stared into the empty space for a moment. After collecting his bearings he disapparated too. Back to his wretched friends' wretched house, back to his even more wretched life.

* * *

_A/N: _

_How do you feel about this chapter? How do you feel about their first meeting? There's one thing I wanted to establish about Tonks, that she is eighteen and young and sometimes behaves like that. I mean she's not immature. She's sweet, interactive, and talkative, a bit daring but when it comes to few things, she's an eighteen year old at heart: shy and hesitant. Whereas Remus is thirty one when they meet, who is weary and broken and a bit distrusting of the world in general, the kind who doesn't think that something good can happen to them. So I wanted to highlight this difference, though I will explore this in later chapters as well, just thought to make a point here._

_Do review/favorite/follow!_


	5. My melancholy blues

_Thanks to **Stars may fall** for beta!_

* * *

More than a week had passed since that direful guard duty and things were still awkward and strained between them. Tonks barely met his eyes whenever she was at the headquarters, almost ignoring his presence while Remus himself tried to pretend as if he didn't exist when she was around.

For Tonks things had turned upside down when he had called her Dora, had taken her hand in his and had beseeched for forgiveness. Something about the way he had said those words, kept perplexing her, as if he had _cared_. She could barely concentrate on her work as he was always at the back of her mind deep-seated with harrowing doubts.

Why he still influenced her, she had no clue.

She wasn't supposed to feel whatever she was feeling; even if she herself wasn't sure what it was she was _exactly_ feeling.

She could say that it wasn't a particularly happy feeling. However it was almost akin to a feeling of reprieve.

On one hand she felt uncomfortable, she found herself squirming if he was in the house at the same time as her, and on the other hand she felt disappointed if he wasn't around. Her emotions were so tangled and mixed up that she was having a hard time unraveling them.

Somewhere deep down she knew she was falling into a _false_ sense of security in relation to him, because if she had learned nothing else, she had learned one thing very precisely:

If you trust someone and they break your trust, they are fool. But if you trust the same person _again_ and they betray you again, then _you_ are a fool.

And Tonks did not consider herself to be a fool.

She always had this frustration within herself and she found herself wishing that he would seek her out and explain to her the past, about anything or everything that he had done, why he had done it, and that it had hurt him as much as it had hurt her, so that she could at least derive some satisfaction that her love had not been a complete waste of a time.

As she looked at the current time, she closed her final file of the day and packed her things. She was ready to visit Grimmauld Place. There was still an hour until the meeting, but Molly had invited her to have dinner with the Weasleys and Sirius and she wanted to see Ginny.

If one positive thing had come from all this (Her joining the Order), then it was that she got to be friends with whole Weasley family, especially Ginny. She had just met the girl yesterday, as the Weasleys had finally moved in, and had instantly liked her.

They had an eight year age gap between them, but then age gaps had never really bothered her. The one thing they had in common among them was that both of them had no sister, they were the only daughter of their parents and they both wished for a sister.

Whether Ginny would be able to fill in that gap, it was too early to say, but Tonks was sure that she had found a good friend regardless; a friend with whom she could talk about the Order with; without worrying about what slipped out of her mouth every few seconds.

"Tonks!"

Ginny jumped in front of her from the stairs, somehow managing to stay both quiet and on her feet.

"I am so glad you came." She announced happily.

"Hey Ginny, what's going on in the house?" Tonks whispered past Mrs. Black's portrait on way to kitchen as she followed Ginny. The girl's long red hair swayed behind her gracefully and Tonks instantly felt envious.

As Ginny turned to look back at Tonks, she gasped in surprise.

"Tonks you look just like my sister." She exclaimed in awe, as Tonks had morphed her hairs to match exactly Ginny's.

"What can I say? I couldn't resist. Your hair is so lovely!"

Ginny smiled in pleasure and Tonks noticed that she didn't blush at the compliment, unlike other girls of her age.

"I wish I had ability like that. I never would have to worry about my hair, pimples or dark circles or other stuff going wrong."

Tonks smiled and seated herself across from Ginny as she passed the Cocoa cups out, probably kept under a heating charm by a thoughtful Molly.

"Trust me; it's not that much of a boon as it may seem sometimes. It's like people expect me to be... flawless or perfect or something." She tried to explain the complexity of her abilities in as few words as possible.

Ginny looked inquiringly at her, taking a sip of her own chocolate before asking. "Have you ever thought what you would do when you start growing old? I mean, say, when you are sixty and all wrinkled but you could just vanish all your lines away in a blink. Would you do that or would you prefer to be as you are?"

For her age, Ginny's questions were really deep. Once again Tonks smiled sadly and replied, "That has crossed my mind but I still have no clue what I'll do about it. Hell with my job, the Order, and the war who knows if I'll even live to see my sixtieth birthday!"

She spoke the last line without thought and instantly regretted when Ginny's smile dimmed. Hell Tonks had forgotten for a second that her whole family was involved with the Order. But Ginny didn't make her feel bad; instead she tried to cheer her up.

"Don't lose hope Tonks." She said solemnly and Tonks was reminded of her own mother.

"Hey, I'm sorry. That was a bad joke on my part. Forget I said it please; so tell me what is everyone doing in house?"

Ginny clearly sensed her need to change the subject but didn't call her out on it.

"Well, Mum is on her mission to clean the whole house top to bottom. To which I don't have any aversion to as far as it doesn't involve me!" She huffed irritably. "I mean how dirty and dangerous can this house really be? People have been cleaning it for weeks yet only a few rooms are inhabitable. So Ron, Fred and George are currently with her while I escaped by telling her I was lagging behind on my homework." She finished in an exasperated tone.

"Which was farce." Tonks grinned.

"Yeah..." Ginny mumbled blowing away a stray piece of hair away from her face. "I get so bored here all alone; I wish Hermione would come join us soon."

"She sounds like a nice person; I am looking forward to meeting her. She is _Harry Potter's_ best friend right?" Tonks inquired raising her eyebrows. It sounded that way based on all the facts that she had heard from everybody else about the girl.

Ginny shifted slightly in her seat.

"Oh she's brilliant. Genius, really... Yes she's Harry's best friend, but so is Ron. And Ron and Hermione are best friends as well. I mean these three are always together but yeah it's not _that_ kind of friendship between Hermione and Harry. They are sort of like siblings."

Though Ginny tried to sound nonchalant, Tonks sensed a shift in her demeanor. She was getting defensive. _Interesting_.

"And I also have this suspicion that Hermione sort of fancies Ron."

"So you have it all figured out. What about Ron? Is he interested in Hermione?"

Ginny sighed. "It's complicated. He might be, but he doesn't know it himself and I have this horrible gut feeling that it will take _a lot_ of time for him to realize what he feels."

Tonks admired the compassion and fondness in her voice for her brother. Though Ginny and Ron, as far as she had seen, kept a constant show of bickering with each other. Behind their sibling's back, they were just protective and loving.

"Where are the others?"

"Oh, well Bla- Sirius, is with the hippogriff. I wish he would come out more so that we can get to know him. He seemed nice enough when he was here to welcome us."

Tonks smiled sadly. She_ had_ predicted it right earlier in the week. Sirius _was_ slowly drifting away and this would probably be just the beginning. He had a long way ahead of him and no one had foggiest idea how long will he have to stay in hiding.

"He's nice, he'll come around, don't worry."

"And Lupin is out on some secret mission." As soon as the words left her mouth, Ginny clapped her hand over her mouth as if she had said something she probably shouldn't have.

Tonks's heart leapt in throat but she maintained her calm expression and asked in the best stern voice she could, "How do you know may I ask?" She raised her eyebrows for extra affect.

"Er... Just heard him talking, not that we- I know too much. Not at all. Oh! I just forgot, Mum must be waiting for me, got to clean." She hastily threw out the lame excuse and ran away as fast as a jack rabbit.

Tonks exhaled. What was this mission? Why didn't she know about it? She was an Order member too. Was it only for senior Order members?

Maybe they didn't trust her enough yet… as yesterday when she had been at the meeting, nothing of the sorts had been mentioned.

But then after meeting Dumbledore had taken _him_ aside...Maybe she could talk to Sirius and interrogate him about it. If he hadn't put a silence charm on his door that is.

After thinking about it though, she finally decided to only help Molly in tackling all the irritating dark insects.

* * *

Later, she was in the drawing room or at least what was supposed to be the drawing room, trying fruitlessly to open a drawer. She could admit to having no idea what so ever of the contents of the drawer, but she _wanted_ to know. It was dusty and grimy and she had tried all the spells she knew to open it. In the last hour, she had started to get an evil hunch that she won't be exactly pleased when it finally did open.

As she tugged _again_, she heard heavy footsteps and felt someone entering the room. When she turned to look she found herself staring at Lupin.

He wore a brown jumper which she recognized from her time and he looked a little tired. He also bore a look of concentration but he wasn't looking at her. His eyes instead were trained on the drawer that she was now trying to open physically.

He barely acknowledged her and stopped right behind her.

"It won't open like that." He murmured absently as he took out his wand. His voice fanned right across her ear and cheek as he was unbearably close and she could feel chills running down her spine in response. He hadn't seemed to realize that he was invading her personal space as he drew patterns on the drawer.

She couldn't look away from his face.

"It's blocked by runes. I figured out a similar one out in Buckbeak's room." He spoke again while furrowing his brow. Another shiver ran down her spine at the _feeling_ of his words. As his hand lightly brushed her the drawer clicked loudly.

But neither of them paid attention to it as he finally seemed to realize how close he was to her. His dark blue eyes flicked with emotion and locked onto her brown ones.

And in _that_ moment they both knew that they were thinking about the same thing.

* * *

_September, 1991_

She tried really hard to flip the pancake. She _really_ did but the fate of the pancake was the same as its brethren. They always ended up getting stuck to the pan or burnt to a crisp. For once she really wanted it to happen right. A vast amount of disgruntlement was starting to well within her as her frustration rose.

Suddenly she felt warm bare arms snake themselves around her waist as a warm naked chest pressed itself tightly to her t-shirt clothed back. Pajama clad legs brushed against her nude calves as she was only wearing knee length shorts this early in the morning.

"Good morning." He whispered huskily into her shoulder as he buried his face in her neck. He sounded like he was still half asleep.

She blushed in embarrassment as last night's moments flashed in front of her eyes. Last night they had gotten acquainted on the _most_ intimate level, and as it had been her _first_ time she felt more than a little shy in his presence now.

She could not even think about looking at his face without lowering her eyes and she could feel a tingling sensation in her stomach because of his nearness. She felt self-conscious, and strange, weird but complete; as if some missing part of the puzzle that had been her life has been added to fill an empty space.

She cleared her throat quickly and tried to compose herself. Removing the charred remains of pancake for something to do, she tried once again by spreading new batter onto the skillet.

He finally woke up a little as he placed his chin into the place where her shoulder and neck met.

"The flame is too high." He mumbled near her ear and placed his hands above hers, cupping her smaller hands into his larger ones as he turned the knob a little to the left. He seemed to have no clue at all as to what he was doing to her.

"And spread the batter like this."

She shivered at his voice being so close her. Remembering in a flash the way he had moaned her name in her ear last night. As goose bumps erupted on her arms, he looked at her oddly but didn't say anything and proceeded to teach her to make pancakes properly.

"See how they are turning brown... Now just flip them... Like... This..." He helped her by guiding her hand movements carefully. She wished he would stop speaking-_murmuring_\- in _that_ tone, right _next_ to ear, it was _downright_ _distracting_. She couldn't help shivering and goose bumps were erupted all over her body this time.

"Why are you shivering? It's not cold." He asked while turning the flame to the lowest setting before completely turning his attention to her.

She shook her head and concentrated fully on the pancake as if it would cook by a sheer look of intensity being directed at it. She couldn't stop herself from reacting to his stare though. She could feel a terrible blush crawling up her neck and coloring her cheeks and she was way too_ distracted_ to morph it away. She almost felt irritated at her body reactions. Fine, it had been her first time but it was with _him_, the person she loved from the bottom of her heart. Why was she nervous? Why can't she behave bold like the women of _his_ age probably did?

Her shy and hesitant reaction would only make him frown about their age gap. He would probably think that he was tainting an innocent or something.

"And now you're blushing." He observed as he brushed back her hair, tucking it securely behind her ears. He also managed to feel her forehead with the side of his hand. She appreciated his caring for her, but now there wasn't even a curtain of her hair to stop him noticing how his voice was affecting her so much. When she shivered for the third time, she felt like kicking herself.

"Wait a second..." He trailed off thinking hard and she bit her lip in anticipation.

"Am I _distracting_ you?" He _whispered_ the question, his breath fanning across her earlobe _again_, as if testing if his hypothesis was true.

She didn't look up and she blushed harder in mortification and embarrassment when once again goose bumps flared on her body at his teasing tone. A look of confirmation dawned upon him quickly after that.

She could see him in her peripheral vision, smirking in astonishment. As if he was surprised but also pleased.

"Really? _Really_? Am I turning you on?" He whispered temptingly, brushing his lips on her earlobe. He also darted his tongue out to touch her skin. That was the last straw as she scrunched her eyes close and tried to control her labored breathing. Or any body reaction at all but it was to no avail as everything was out of her control now.

It was like half of her mind was coy while other half was ashamed.

"God, I really am affecting you." He said while turning off the knob completely. He looked at her as he lightly caressed her waist above the thin material of her t-shirt as if willing her to look at him.

She had never felt such embarrassment in her life before. She had always hated to be labeled with the tag of being a novice in anything and now she was definitely acting like one: A novice who had no control over her own reactions.

He chuckled in amusement and she lost it.

She felt as if he was laughing at her, making fun of her even though she knew it wasn't the case. She suddenly turned in his arms, and wrapped herself around him. Burying her face in his neck made her feel safer. Less observed.

She could feel him kissing her head, apparently thinking that she was blushing or something. He stopped when he felt wetness on his neck. A wetness that definitely wasn't from her lips.

"Dora?" He questioned in a worried tone. He probably had a frown on his face as well. She shook her head and clung to him tightly as he tried to pull away to look at her. She didn't have the strength to look into his eyes right now. What should have been a smiling romantic moment between them on the morning after; she had ruined with her naivety and tears.

"Please tell me what is it?" He asked soothingly after apparently giving up on detaching her from his neck. She gathered some pieces of courage together and pulled away _slightly_, immediately wiping at her eyes. She still managed to hide her face from him.

"I am sorry..." She mumbled thickly and he delicately pulled her chin up with his fingers.

He spoke in reassuring tone when she didn't meet his eyes. "Look at me."

When her eyes locked with his, she once again blushed remembering how he had stared into her eyes last night endlessly as he had touched her all over her body...

"I shouldn't have teased you, I am sorry. I forgot the delicacy of the situation." He spoke gently, but she felt horrible. She felt like some small child who sulked after their parent scolded them. She was being completely irrational.

"I am sorry for ruining the moment."

"The moment could never be ruined as long as you are with me." He wiped her eyes with the pads of his thumb. "You are okay aren't you? I'm not still making you uncomfortable?"

"No...no." She hastily assured him and looking away once again as she spoke in a small voice. "It's just... I feel a little different... Shy..." She whispered the last part as if it was a confession of something sinful.

"That's nothing to be ashamed of. It was your first time, a completely new experience. I understand perfectly. Just... Just don't be embarrassed. Take any time you need to adjust..." He cleared his throat. "Once you get used to it... That is _if_ you want to repeat anything. If you want to get used to it. We could… " He trailed off uncertainly. This time he looked uncomfortable and looked apprehensively at her if he had overstepped some boundary.

"Of course..." She replied in the same quiet voice.

He grinned and she noticed again that he was shirtless and she found herself blushing _again_ but her earlier awkwardness had dimmed down a bit. Talking can solve half of the problem, she thought to herself. She gave a small smile as she hugged him and he pulled her tightly to his chest.

She grinned into his neck. When he noticed that she was feeling better he kissed her ear. "But know that I now know your weakness." He teased, murmuring again into her ear.

But this time instead of feeling embarrassed as she shivered, she felt delirious.

Ever since that moment, he would always speak intimately in whispered tones in the exact way he knew affected her most whenever he felt the need arose. It was a secret they shared, something only they knew about each other.

* * *

She looked away breaking out of the reverie of memories. She felt him taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly as he moved a little away from her.

She felt anger towards herself again. She hated him. It was as simple as that. There was no need to reminisce. She wasn't supposed to shiver at his voice.

He pulled out the drawer finally, ending the suspense and she gasped as she looked into the hallowed space.

It wasn't a nest of doxies or some other serpentine creature but rather bloody _treasure_. It was filled to the brim with gold coins, gold bricks, silver, jewelry, gems, precious stones and other glittery whatnot. They were shining so brightly that the whole dark room was now filled with luminous light.

"The Black family's _black_ treasury. No wonder the drawer was so well protected." He said quietly, shutting the drawer with a jerk. They were suddenly left in blinding darkness.

As he walked away without a word, she wondered how a man as poor as him could not be tempted by this amount of money. Hell, she was tempted to take some of the fine jewelry. It wasn't as if their real owners were alive anyway and Sirius didn't give a damn what happened to his family fortune.

Knowing that it would either be used for Order work or whatever Sirius decided to do with it, she shut the door behind her with one last backwards glance.

* * *

He sat in his dingy room allotted to him at the headquarters. There wasn't much furniture, just a bed, a study table and two chairs along with a cupboard. It was one of the most stable residential arrangements he had been able to acquire so far in his life; the others being his parent's home, Hogwarts and well... Dora's apartment.

He sighed, tiredness seeping from his bones in waves. He had been out looking for werewolves, trying to gauge their reaction to the current political environment, his _special_ assignment due to his _special_ condition.

Remus due to some very strange reason was remotely happy these days. Not the exhilarating kind of happy but happy where he was at least capable of laughing on someone's joke or at least where it wasn't a pain to smile anymore. For a werewolf, to gain that level of happiness was an achievement.

The reason for his happiness was his learning that Tonks was not married after all. The ring still confused him but then she always had an unusual taste in dressing and styling. When he had returned from that guard duty a week ago, he hadn't been able to keep a smile off his face even when their meeting hadn't exactly ended well. He had simply sat by his bed and had felt waves of overwhelming relief course through him. Even though that smile had eventually vanished and his relief had darkened when he had realized that she probably hated him. That there was nothing stopping her from finding someone else to date. That sooner or later she _would _find someone she wanted to settle down with.

For a moment he had considered re-approaching her, re-kindling their relationship but he had immediately rejected that idea as absurd. Sure he loved her, and he was definitely tempted to bring her back into his life. But he couldn't just forget that he was a werewolf. And more importantly, it was a matter of what that would do to her heart. He couldn't just break her heart one day and vanish for years and suddenly appear ready to start where they had left off.

Above all, she deserved respect as well as a happy and healthy man.

Hadn't that been his reason for his sacrifice?

He had left so he wouldn't become a hindrance in her life. So that she can be with someone who deserved her truly.

It pained him to realize that she had took his leaving as a rejection and betrayal (And who could truly blame her?) and now she probably had trust issues with people as she _had_ menacingly told him that she couldn't afford to fall love in again after what he had done to her.

He simply wished that somehow he could explain his feelings, his jumbled thoughts, and most of all his reasons.

Yet despite all that, he had slept better that night, without the usual dull ache in his chest that had haunted him for years.

Also, he was content that he at least now had the privilege of seeing her daily. Even if she barely looked at him, he was able to feel alive by being able to see her beautiful face again.

He gave another sigh and leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes as he gave a fleeting glance towards the calendar on his desk.

His eyes suddenly popped open when something dimly registered in his mind. He looked sharply at the calendar and realized what date it was.

It was the 25th July.

He had been so busy with his assignment that he had lost all sense of the date and time. But no matter how hard he tried, he could never forget what the date marked, what that day meant to him.

* * *

_July 25 1991_

It had almost been three weeks since he had known Tonks and he was as happy as he had been during his Hogwarts days. He'd found a small muggle job where the pay was enough to keep him fed and clothed. Even if the salary was not enough to pay his rent, he at least had something to do rather than roaming around aimlessly like a nomad.

His job required less time than a full time job and therefore after he finished work he would visit the Orphanage, meet her and they would both spend some time with children. After that, they would as usual proceed to the park with their food.

Right now, she was sitting next to him, licking her ice cream with a smile while he had his coffee.

"Okay spit it out. What's the matter?" He finally asked her. He had been noticing her strange behavior since he had first landed his eyes on her this afternoon.

"What? What are you talking about?" She asked innocently. At the same time she pushed her black hair back behind her ears.

He raised his eyebrows skeptically at her. "You are awfully chirpy today. Chirpier than usual even. You keep smiling without any reason."

"I am with you, you are with me, isn't that enough of a reason for me to smile?" She asked sincerely without an ounce of cheekiness, which left his internal organs squeezing in pleasure.

He had realized earlier that he was biting off more than he could handle and he was already way too deep into something in which he couldn't afford to be in. Though he still denied himself the relief of naming that _'something' _that was bugging him.

"If that's the case then you are enjoying my company more than usual. Don't try to distract me, I know something is up." He replied, bringing back his attention to the matter at hand.

She finished her ice cream and shook the crumbs off of her hands. He prayed that the reason for her happiness wouldn't start with the words, _'I met this guy...'_ or _'this guy asked me out...'_ or something equally disturbing.

She flashed him a dazzling smile and looked straight into his eyes.

"My NEWTs results came in today."

He gaped in surprised, ignoring the reminder that she was a young girl that had just graduated Hogwarts while he had completed his NEWTs thirteen years ago.

"Really? How did you do?" He smiled widely at her as he really couldn't stop himself. He already knew the answer. Her happiness was infectious.

By this time her joy was barely contained and she looked like ready to burst. He could even see flickering of pink in her hair. He was glad that there were no muggles currently nearby. He knew by now that pink was her happy color. So he loved it when he saw it on her.

"Remus I was barely able to believe it myself-" She replied in hushed whisper as if telling a secret and then continued in a louder tone "-I got _five_ NEWTs, three Outstanding and two Exceeds Expectations. I AM ELIGIBLE FOR THE ENTRANCE EXAM!" She shouted the last part. Finally bursting with happiness and he couldn't control himself. He engulfed her in a tight heartwarming hug to which she replied by wrapping her arms around his torso.

"God Tonks I am so proud of you!" He exclaimed into her hair. He took a deep breath as well, trying to inhale as much of her scent as he could. She smelled really good.

"Me too. I am so proud of myself as well. I can't believe I did it." She mumbled into his shoulder, sending pleasant sensations throughout his body.

He slowly pulled away and cupped her face in his hands, looking into her eyes, as he tried to convey just how happy he was for her. How much she meant to him...

"I know how much it means to you, becoming an Auror." He said softly as she gazed into his eyes with something akin to well… akin to _fondness_.

During the course of the last three weeks, when he had asked her why she chosen to be an Auror of all the professions out there, he had learned that her mother was a Black- Andromeda Black to be exact. The sister of Bellatrix and Narcissa and first cousin to none other than Sirius Black.

He had felt like a fool when he had realized that Andromeda Tonks was a Black after all. But the reason he had forgotten to make that connection was no secret to him. He had been too wrapped up in Tonks to pay attention to anything else.

Tonks' family lineage was something she had barely shared when she had told him her desire. She always hesitated when telling people that her mother was a Black. What had prompted her to tell him, a werewolf no less, he would never know. But he was honored to say the least that she trusted him and had felt confident enough with him to share such a thing with apparent ease.

He had not judged her. How could he? He didn't like being criticized on the basis of his lycanthropy. How could he evaluate her for being a Black? Something which she apparently despised.

She had told him that how during the height of the First War her family had kept moving from one place to another. She had been too small to realize what was truly happening but she still remembered the lingering fear her parents had shown at the mere knock on the door. In some twisted way her journey of being an Auror had started ever since she was six.

In the same bout of confidence he had told her about his history how he had been best friends with Sirius, James and Peter, though he had been careful to not mention anything about the Order.

She had been surprised to learn that they had so much in common. That they shared the same ache. Remus for the life of him hadn't been able to decide whether they had too much in common or nothing common in at all.

"Thank you Remus." She tilted her face up towards him and smiled sweetly as she placed her hands over his; squeezing them slightly in a warm grip. Something told him that she wasn't just saying thank you for his congratulations.

He held her gaze for a moment then slowly let her go, his cup of coffee, forgotten on the ground.

"So what's next for you?" He inquired after taking a moment to catch his breath. He felt a little hot around the collar and his heart was beating a little fast.

He couldn't discern what that look in her eyes meant or maybe he didn't want to discern what that look in her eyes meant...

"Next month is my exam, if I pass that-"

"-Which you will."

She rolled her eyes. "-I will have a personal interview with the Head of Aurors and then, if everything goes alright there, I will be inducted into the programme by 15th of September."

"And then you will be _Auror_ Trainee Tonks, a busy woman, who won't have time for an old werewolf." He replied a little wistfully. He had known since the beginning that his accelerating friendship with her would halt somewhere, after which they would be merely acquaintances, sometimes sharing letters, or maybe meeting occasionally. He just hadn't thought it would be so soon. He would by September (So soon…too soon) be left all alone once again...

She would move on with her life while he would be left behind with just a few memories of her to treasure...

He felt overwhelming sadness wash over him. He felt like a kid who had enjoyed his vacations immensely and had realized on the last day, that he was dreading going back to the school. That everything was coming to an end with a bang.

"Remus look at me." She shifted closer to him, leaving no space between them. When he looked at her, her eyes were fiery and challenging. She placed a cool palm on his rugged cheek as a small breeze whipped her hair behind her in a wave.

"I will always have time for you." She spoke with such conviction that he had no other option than to believe her. "You have no idea what you mean to me." She spoke with a passion, unknowingly echoing his earlier thoughts.

As she whispered to him, he swore that his heart stop beating and he found that he couldn't look away.

What was she saying...?

He placed his warm palm above her waist, feeling the smooth surface of her blue t-shirt.

He was caught as if in a trance; as if in a tornado. He leaned forward slowly pulled by strings and very lightly placed his lips over hers.

As he did he felt the whole earth freeze, vanishing into nothingness, leaving only them behind.

He felt more than heard her breath hitch and his heart thudded in response. _He was lost. He was lost in her._

He coaxed her lips to open a little; his heart soaring as she kissed him back rather than pushing him away or worst slapping him off with a yell.

"I knew I wasn't imagining that look in your eyes." She whispered against his lips and he again felt rather than hearing her words.

He pulled away a little before opening his eyes and he forgot to breathe.

He never had never before had the chance to look so close into her eyes. Never really had the chance to notice the flecks of green and hazel in her brown eyes. His eyes trailed downwards; staring with awe at her lips, which were red and parted with desire. He felt giddiness sweep over him as he realized that he had done that. He leaned forward again; for once forgetting all of his inhibitions as he caught her lips in a searing kiss. He pulled her tighter into his body, feeling her chest press against his, as her hand crawled into his hair and the other caressed the back of his neck.

He kissed her ferociously without fear and she matched his intensity.

"This is _so_ wrong." He whispered against her lips, letting his breath fan across her lips. Even as he spoke he couldn't stop his tongue from darting out and tasting her bottom lip. In response she tightened her hold on him.

"What is?" She replied in a hushed tone while the hand on his neck distracted him from forming a coherent thought.

"This." He replied, forgetting that they were in a public place. That they shouldn't be kissing so intensely _here_ or anywhere for that matter. One of his hands cradled her head while the other encircled her waist. He placed a kiss on the corner of her mouth in worship.

"Kissing you. I shouldn't be kissing you. You are so younger than me." Even as he said it he brought his lips back to her mouth; kissing her ardently. Not really giving her a chance to speak. Not really caring that his actions were contradicting his words.

How could he stop when she was so eagerly kissing him back?

"Remus..." She groaned against his mouth. Which in turn caused him to shiver pleasantly as his eyes drifted close in pleasure. "What are you talking about?" She pulled away a little but not much and her hands still clung to him.

He took a deep breath, trying to sober up a little. Trying to look like he had a semblance of composure.

"Look at you..." He said reverently. "You are so beautiful, and I am so tainted and diseased." He shook his head unable to wrap his head around the whole idea. It was as if he was in an alcoholic state. "You are so _so_ young. I am in my _thirties_ already and you aren't even in your twenties. You are still practically a teenager." He replied slowly, only having a vague idea of what he was muttering as he leaned his forehead against hers.

"You are insulting me. I am of age." She replied softy though hurt colored her voice in sharp waves.

He blinked and pulled away a little more, creating a bit distance between their lips that were still distracting him. He really needed to clear his head and gain a little more composure or he would screw this up majorly.

"When I first met you I thought you must be at least twenty..."

"Why do age gaps matter so much to you? Would it matter if I was fifty and you were sixty-three?" She looked sad, her earlier elation having vanished.

"But you are _eighteen_." He countered. "Age gap wouldn't matter if I was wealthy or healthy. If I could buy people's good opinions. But I can't because I don't have that ability. Society will frown upon you for choosing someone like me and will frown upon me for being a cradle robber of an innocent girl with so much potential."

She pulled his hands away from him, shifting away so there was space between them. "You make me sound as if I am a child." She looked hurt and his heart hurt as her expression struck him like a bullet.

"You are wiser than your age. But I am _afraid_ that you might... You might _not_ know what you want right _now_." He tried to soothe her and break it to her as gently as possible. She needed to know what the world would think.

She pushed herself up and stood facing away from him but not before almost screaming, "And I am afraid that I have fallen for you!"

He felt his heart slow down to an almost stop before suddenly accelerating to a maddening pace. He felt numb though his head felt light. It was all he had ever dreamt for when he was younger…

"You couldn't have fallen in love with me within such a short span of time Tonks… We have barely known each other for three weeks… You don't truly know who I am."

He tried to grasp the remaining straws that floated in front of him. He knew that he could simply say yes and have the future he had always desired. But surely such a future, such happiness would be short lived…

It would be fickle, based on an impulse.

At this point of time maybe all they would think about was each other, but what after few months? Would they still feel the same euphoria in the other's company or would things simply go downhill after the initial bliss died out, after reality would cave in?

He could almost hear her heart breaking as she turned to look at him.

In that one moment she looked sadder than he had ever seen her. With tears barely contained in her eyes. However within the next moment she looked angrier than he could have ever imagined.

"You are a _hypocrite_! Tell me you don't feel same for me and this discussion will be over. I will never show you my face if that is what you truly want. But tell me first that you haven't fallen in love with me too in _'such a short span of time'_ as you put it."

The idea of not ever seeing her bothered him deeply.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, rubbing his forehead as he wearily looked for answers. There must be some way that they could both be happy without getting their hearts broken.

"What's your name?" He asked suddenly.

"What!" It sounded more like an exclamation than a question as she breathed out.

"Your name. Tonks can't be your first name. It is obvious to me that it's your surname. I want to know your name."

He spoke quickly but then after some thought he muttered quietly:

"I was too involved in you earlier to be bothered about such trivial things as _names_. Merlin I kissed you, when I don't even know your name _while_ you are practically still a teenager."

Apparently he didn't mutter it too quietly as he heard Tonks emitting a sound which seemed a mixture of a sob and a growl.

"That's it. If you are so disgusted by me, I don't want to here."

Sure enough she was turning around to search for a secluded place to apparate away and he felt panic seep deeply into his heart.

"No!" He bolted up and grabbed her hand before she could even register that he had moved.

He couldn't let her go, he simply couldn't...

He gripped her wrists in his hands, afraid she would flee, not only from the park but also from his life.

She had tears streaming down her face and he looked away in guilt. He wasn't able to stare into her intense eyes. She had been so happy when she had arrived. She had taken the first step towards her dream and now...

"It's _you_ who should be disgusted from me. Not falling in _love_ with me." He smiled sadly at her while she plainly glared at him.

"I am sorry if I implied otherwise but I didn't mean to insult you. You are so _precious_ to me..." He whispered and slowly placed his palm over cheek, hesitantly wiping her tears with his thumb and she swallowed painfully.

"It's just... I destroy everything I ever touch. I fear I will destroy you too, precious." The name slipped from his lips so easily. As if he had been calling her it all along; the nickname that he had subconsciously attached to her in his day dreams.

"Remus please trust my judgment." She replied blinking away her tears and looking helplessly at him through wet eyelashes.

"I am not fickle minded. I decided to be an Auror at the age of eleven and I haven't regretted it once. I barely dated in Hogwarts but what I felt for you; _feel_ for you, I never did for anyone else. It's not that I haven't met anyone. I've met so many guys and they were wonderful and if I had one to give into typical teenage urges, I probably would have fallen in love at least four times by now but I _didn't_. So please don't tell me that I do not know what I want in my life."

He waited with bated breath for her to continue as she took a deep breath.

"As for society, I've never given a damn about society. If I, Tonks, daughter of a Black and a Muggleborn, a Metamorphamagus, an extremely rare and _vastly _misunderstood creature, ever cared about society then Merlin help me, I don't think I would even be able to _breathe_. Remus, at least you were _born_ human, I wasn't even given that privilege." She finished softly as he looked into her eyes. He felt like he was staring right into her soul.

He didn't see a girl younger than him by thirteen years. He saw a grown up woman with a rare sense of wisdom and maturity, forced to grow up early by the world around her.

He couldn't help it. He pressed his lips to hers. He wasn't sure how long he would have been able to deny himself anyways. His mind was swarming with doubts but as she responded hesitantly once again, those doubts were pushed to the back of his mind.

"It's Nymphadora." She whispered against his mouth.

"What?"

"My name. It's Nymphadora."

A chuckle escaped his lips.

"No wonder you didn't tell me in the first place."

She made a face, which he could see all of as she was still inches from him.

"It's not that bad."

Though as he said it, he could see that she disagreed.

"Not everyone is blessed with a nice name like yours."

"You think I have a nice name?" Somewhere during the course of their argument and the kiss her hands had shifted to his chest as his larger one covered hers, holding them in a place near his heart.

"Among other things." She answered shyly but then grew serious. "You never answered my question."

"Which one?"

"If you feel the same way for me as I do for you." She looked down and looked awfully fearful about his answer. Her confidence seeming to have dissipated from when she had so boldly asked him to tell her that he didn't love her.

He encircled one arm around her waist and pulled her closer while grasped her chin with other and made her look at him.

"If love is waking up to the thought of you. If love is caring more about your happiness than my own. If love is to smile inside and out at a mere glance from you. If love is missing you as soon as we part. If love is losing all my being and yet finding it in you then yes I do love you."

He had made no effort to sprout poetry or sound dramatic or trashy; he simply said what he felt. Though there was a lot more that he left unsaid. That he couldn't find the words for.

She smiled at him and he wiped the remaining tears. She blushed slightly, hiding her face in his neck. He sighed and pulled her tighter to his chest, burying his face in her hair.

He in this moment felt a happiness that he had never experienced before in his life. He hoped to feel in for years to come.

* * *

A knock startled him out of his thoughts. He straightened himself and croaked out, "Come in."

The door creaked open and he looked up to see a hesitant Nymphadora Tonks entering. He immediately felt mystified at her sudden presence, and stood. Wondering what had brought her so late to his room.

"Tonks." He spoke unnecessarily into the silence.

She wore a leather jacket over her tank top along with a ragged tight pair of jeans that he thought he recognized from his time in her apartment. He had never known how many of those rips were intentional and how many were unintentional. She had short hair with big fringe covering her forehead but her dark twinkling eyes were visible to him. Her hair was _their_ favorite color of bubble gum pink.

She walked in hesitantly and as he got up, she motioned for him to sit down back. He took his place and looked at her apprehensively as she looked everywhere but his eyes. Taking in his gloomy room with a sweep before finally perching on the end of his bed.

"I thought you would have left by now." He spoke, sensing that in contrast to before, he wasn't getting any negative vibes from her. So with hope in sight, he tried to make pleasant conversation.

"I ended up chatting with Molly and Hestia." She replied finally looking him in the eye.

He nodded and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together.

"How can I help you?" He asked softly.

She took a deep breath then started: "Look, I know... We have lots of history that's impossible to forget. But now that we are working together, for something that is so much more important, I don't want our past to hinder our progress."

She spoke so fast that he had to listen really hard to understand what she was saying. He had absolutely no clue where she was going with this but nodded, agreeing.

"I was down with Molly alone, and apparently she has sensed something though she only has known me for a couple weeks."

"What?" He asked wondering what Molly would have said to make her come up here.

"She asked if...there was some...you know...tension between you and me." She completed tentatively.

"Oh." He furrowed his brows. He had no clue that they had been that obvious. After all they had barely been together in front of others long enough for them to guess that something was amiss.

"Yeah..." She shifted uncomfortably, once again looking away and staring at the floor instead.

"She was under the impression that my indifference towards you might be because of you being a werewolf. _As if_."

He watched her intensely while she wasn't looking, taking the opportunity to look closely at her beautiful face. If Molly had paid even an ounce of attention to them, he understood why she thought so. Tonks was so cordial to others and always made an effort with them while she ignored him as if he was completely invisible.

"What did you say?" He knew that she hated being labeled as anything close to prejudiced in her dealings with anyone.

"I made up something, said that I never even knew that you were werewolf in the first place and any behavior on my part must have been unintentional."

"She believed you?"

"Must have. I am good at lying to people I barely know."

_But bad at lying to those who matter to you,_ He added silently to himself.

"What do you want from me?" He questioned. He wanted to know what she truly wanted. He wanted to give whatever it was to her.

"I- I want us to look past what happened. I want us to behave normally in the presence of others. I don't want our past to affect our work for Order. If you get what I mean. I don't want us to grow silent and stiff as soon as we see each other. Or else sooner or later, everyone will notice and I am in no mood to travel down that road."

_She wants to be friends with me?_

"But, remember one thing." Fierceness returned to her voice, before he could contemplate further on his idea. "This does not mean that I have forgiven you- _No_, nor does this mean that I have forgotten what happened. I just want to be mature and professional enough about this whole thing."

He felt the hope fading that he had felt earlier. But frankly, he shouldn't have expected anything less. It should be enough for him that she wanted to be on speaking terms with him.

He sighed.

"Alright. I understand and I agree."

He felt like he was signing some contract of investments with words like _understand and agree to terms and conditions._

"Good."

"Thought anything about how we could extract Harry?" He asked. Better to start this speaking terms right now.

"Yes, I have an inkling." She said this as she got up, making a beeline to the door.

"Goodnight." She said with finality, shutting door behind her without looking back.

He didn't know what he had just agreed to, but it couldn't be any worse than the current situation.

Maybe, just maybe they would be able to look past their past and get on with at least friendly terms.

He sighed and sat down back when he realized he had gotten up along with her. It had been an interesting day.

He slept that night once again, wrapped up in sheets and his memories, wondering what next day would bring.

* * *

_It kept increasing in length and I kept writing as if I had no control. Do you prefer shorter chapters or longer? Do tell._

_leilalolalee- I am glad you liked it :)_

_PablosGirl - The chat with Sirius is coming soon!_

_GinnyPotter6891- thank you for the feedback. Try as I might, something or the other always go amiss, you see English is not my first language but I try. Keep reviewing :)_

_Reviews/favorite/follows will be cherished :)_

_Thank You!_


	6. Lovers hold on to everything

_Thanks to **Stars May Fall** for beta. Here's chapter six._

* * *

Wind nipped at Sirius' face as he shifted once again in his sleepy haze.

_Prongs forgot to shut the windows again_, He thought in a daze as his ears dimly registered the whipping of the curtains.

_Probably mooning over Lily, sitting by the window staring at the moon like a girl._

He opened his eyes groggily, to find his face half buried in his pillow. He only dimly reflected his surroundings.

_Must be near one in the morning, maybe I can convince others for a midnight stroll, put our newly created Marauders Map to use_, He decided impulsively now that he was somewhat awake and knew that he won't be able to go back to sleep. Not with the blasted wind and blinding moonlight in his face.

He again opened his eyes and sat up, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"Hey Prongs!" He called out, while trying to untangle his feet from his blankets.

He finally looked up, his eyes searching for his three dorm-mates when finally the realization hit him hard like a punch in stomach.

He wasn't at Hogwarts. He wasn't in his dorm-room. He was in his childhood house. One of Grimmauld Place's dark bedrooms.

He wasn't a carefree sixteen year old either. He was a broken and bitter man of thirty five. And his brother, his best friend James was...dead.

The feeling that sweep over him, made him feel like James and Lily had died all over again. The sorrow settled deep in his heart.

It wasn't the first time he had woken up under the impression that he was back in his past happy days. In fact, when he had been in Azkaban, he had woken almost daily imagining that James' midnight ramblings have disturbed his slumber. After a certain amount of time, it stopped though. Not because the realization had finally sunken in that he was in prison but because he hardly ever slept.

Once again in the past fourteen years he realized that James was dead, Peter had killed James and Lily and he, Sirius Black had spent twelve years surrounded by happiness sucking dementors for a crime he hadn't committed.

He sank down into his bed, feeling terribly uncomfortable in his own skin. All his friends were dead and he was just left with a feeling of aching loneliness and betrayal. He wished he could go back to time, change something...anything. He'd prefer dying in some dangerous mission rather than sitting idly here like an invalid.

But _no_, that chance was also taken from him because he wasn't allowed to go away from this house, as apparently that would be dangerous to the secrecy of the whole Order.

The irony of it all was, that Sirius Black, who never once let the _rules_ rule his life, who never obeyed, who never needed anyone's _permission_ to do something, was cooped up in his most hated place, second only after Azkaban, because he wasn't _allowed _to because of Dumbledore's disapproval.

He placed his head into his shaking hands; his head suddenly felt a little too big for his body.

What purpose had his escaping from Azkaban served? He had been happier than he had ever been in twelve years when he had escaped, seeing the blue sky and endless creepy streets in an entirely new light. He had to survive on rats or garbage it was true but he had been happy. But now, he was sitting in _this_ house all alone.

Actually…not all alone; He suddenly realized.

He had Harry, the reason he had lived even after his brother's death. Harry was at a meter's length, he had come in only yesterday.

And then he had his old friend Remus. True they were more distanced than ever before with years of mistrust and misunderstanding between them, but Remus was still his fellow Marauder. One of his best friends. It was comforting to see an old face even if Moony was literally an old face now (Though he himself didn't look any smarter).

Today he would just bask in the fact that maybe he wasn't alone, after all.

After a few minutes of thought he stood in front of Remus' door, hesitant to knock. It was one in morning, and Remus would be probably asleep. It had been a full moon just few days ago, and Sirius knew Remus would be exhausted. Was it right to disturb his sleep?

Had it been few years ago, Sirius wouldn't have hesitated even an ounce. With that memory strengthening him, he knocked and barged in, without waiting for reply.

It surprised him immensely to see that his old friend was awake, sitting on a stiff chair instead of resting. As he entered, Remus merely raised an eyebrow in response.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked.

"Can't sleep?" Sirius retorted.

He was never the one to give a straight answer.

Instead, he sat in front of Remus on the other chair. Merlin it all seemed so formal. He hadn't been in Re- _Moony's_ presence, alone, for a long time it seemed. What with all the Weasleys, his mission and his imprisonment in his own house. And now all of a sudden he felt awkward in front of his only surviving best friend. And Sirius Black was never awkward. It was laughable in a sad way.

To look cooler he adjusted his chair and placed his sock-clad feet on the table above all of Remus' papers and books. He knew it infuriated him.

Remus who had been watching Sirius by now with confused amusement, looked annoyed at the mistreatment of his books. But didn't say anything. He just politely removed them and placed them away.

"Well? Are you going to keep staring at me or will you say something?" He finally asked.

"You are the one who barged into my room at wee hours of the night."

God there were so many things he wanted to say, starting with sorry, but that was another thing he barely knew how to do- saying sorry. He could make amends but it was always difficult to voice his apologies. Two years ago when they had met in Shrieking Shack he had felt beyond happy. Though when the exhilaration had wore off, he had acknowledged the large gap between them to himself.

He had doubted Remus, thought him to be the traitor, something he couldn't forgive himself for. He had made a _huge_ judgment error which had cost James and Lily their life. On the other hand, Remus had so easily believed _him_ to be the traitor. Granted he had been shown evidence by the world, but he had found himself wishing that Remus would have visited him in Azkaban, even if to curse him, even if just once, maybe just _maybe_ he might have been able to explain his situation, his innocence to him and things could have been different.

They had forgiven each other of course. With the war coming they had no other option than to stand united. The brief time he had spent at Remus' house after Dumbledore had ordered him to _lay low at Lupin's_ had helped as well. They may have not been able to bring back the rapport they had with James absent and years of mistrust between them. But there was no doubt that they were brothers. Still willing to give their life for the other. Brothers who were glad to have the other back after years of isolation.

"Do you think Harry will make it through the hearing?" He finally voiced the question that had been looming in his thoughts ever since the boy had been bought here.

"I am sure with Dumbledore's help he will. He will figure out some loopholes to exploit." Remus replied confidently while watching him closely; he had been doing that a lot lately as if he expected Sirius to lash out at any moment.

He tried not to show his relief. Or was it disappointment?

"You want him to be expelled." Remus said bluntly and he winced in guilt. He still knew him well.

"Not really..."

"Listen... Padfoot... He's fifteen. His real place _is_ at Hogwarts."

"No!" He snapped. "His real place is with his friends and family, his _godfather_. He has lived with those _vermins_ his whole life being mistreated. It's about time he stays with people who _love_ him."

"Hogwarts is where his friends are. As for family, right _now_, he is with his family. He is a student, who needs his education and Hogwarts is the best place for that, and you know it. He would be _heartbroken_ if he got expelled. Remember what Hogwarts was for us? Especially for you and me? For a werewolf and for a Gryffindor Black? It was a solace and it is the same for him."

Sirius stood to put some distance between them and looked out of the window at the new moon. The moon had always controlled Remus' life but at Hogwarts it had affected them too. Full moons had always marked an upcoming adventure every month.

"Look Sirius, if anyone would know, it would be me how hard it is." He spoke and suddenly the differences between them didn't seem so large. They both had suffered same pain inexplicably. "And my advice is that whatever time you have together, spend it with Harry. Show him how much he means to you because you never know what might happen tomorrow."

Sirius looked back at Remus, who seemed miles away. Something told him that it wasn't just any random advice but rather that Remus was speaking from his own personal experience. A shadow covered his friend's face.

He didn't say anything but sat back down. But not before transfiguring the chair into a comfier one and summoning a Firewhisky bottle from his room.

"Really Sirius." Remus rolled his eyes when he saw the green bottle.

"Come on; don't tell me you are afraid of hangover. We haven't got drunk together in ages and it's not like any of us have work tomorrow to worry about."

Remus gave a dry chuckle at that and poured the amber liquid into conjured glasses.

"I have been meaning to ask what's up with you and Tonks?" Sirius asked after he took a sip. He had been curious for ages, but now seemed a good time to ask.

Remus slowly gulped his glass and though there was no remote change in his expression, Sirius could see a shift within his eyes. He was hiding something, but was trying to act cool.

"What do you mean?" His eyes were level, though his fingers twitched.

"She at first was so... I don't know... Hesitant around you...though I don't know her well but she doesn't seem to be the hesitant type. And then suddenly you both started chatting as if you have known each other all along. You even worked together like a team for Harry's retrieval. It strikes odd to me how your relationship changed in the span of a day."

Remus furrowed his brow, rubbed his index finger on his forehead as he always had when contemplating something. He shifted uneasily in his seat.

"We...ah...we have known each other from before...a little before the Order reformed." He finally admitted grudgingly.

That surprised him. As far as he knew Remus had never been in direct contact with Tonks' family.

"How come? You couldn't have been her teacher. She graduated in 1990."

"We met...somewhere...coincidence..." Remus trailed off into silence.

It was increasingly frustrating him how vague Remus was being.

"Well then you both should have been comfortable from the start. But it didn't seem that way to me." He spoke with an edge to his voice. It took a lot less to get his temper going these days.

He swallowed a large gulp of whisky. But Remus didn't seem to notice.

Twirling the liquid around in his glass and peering into its depth he confessed. "We dated for a while back in 1991."

Sirius paused mid-gulp and tried to process what his companion had just said. He dated, _dated_ as in _romantically_ dated, Tonks- _Nymphadora_ Tonks. The notion was preposterous! He did some quick math in his head and the outcome was even more ridiculous. She must have been seventeen or eighteen and Remus must have been in his thirties.

When he finally looked at him, he found Remus staring at him apprehensively as if waiting for a judgment to be passed.

"That's a bit..._unexpected_."

"You don't say." Remus muttered darkly before looking away.

"What happened?" He inquired softly. By the looks of it, things haven't ended well between them.

Remus sighed heavily as his shoulders sagged. He closed his eyes and his jaws rippled while he sought control. It was as if he had asked something intensely painful.

"Love happened."

Sirius almost smiled. "So you finally fell in love, huh? With a girl half your age. Didn't know you had it in you."

"She's _only_ thirteen years younger than me. Your math is wrong, unless you mean to imply that I am forty four years old or that she's seventeen at the moment." He sounded really defensive for a second.

Sirius raised his hands in surrender. He wasn't trying to be judgmental; it just seemed a bit weird and funny. In all prospects, he should have been feeling like an elder brother to Tonks. Becoming all protective about her. But try as he might, he couldn't really ascend to that mindset. He barely knew the girl, even though he had loved her ever since he held her for first time in his arms, protective feelings were hard to evoke.

In all fairness, he felt more protective towards Moony, wondering if she had done something to break his heart.

"It just seems _new_ to me right now though I _can_ adjust to the idea. My niece and my best friend…not bad. So what happened, besides love?"

"Lycanthropy happened." He replied looking pained and Sirius almost wanted to smash the glass on his head. What was up with all the one or two words answers? Couldn't he elaborate a bit without being prompted?

It either meant that Tonks had not reacted well to his lycanthropy or that...

_Godric's pants_...or Remus's insecurities had come in between.

"How did you meet her?" He asked instead. He didn't think he could hear calmly, without going berserk that while he had been rotting in Azkaban, dying for _human _company, Remus had _knowingly_ knocked away the perfect opportunity of love.

He heard as Remus talked about how they met and the instant connection they felt. Sirius saw a different kind of spark in his eyes while he talked about his cousin. The kind of spark he had when the Marauders had accepted with ease that he was a werewolf, the spark he had when they have told him that they would be becoming animagi for him, the kind of spark James had for Lily. It was a spark of _love_.

Love, a feeling and an emotion which he had thought to be a waste of time back then. But craved like air now a days.

Their meeting seemed to be the kind of thing Lily would have believed in. _Destiny_, she would have said. That it was destiny and pure fate that they had met under such unusual circumstances and that such love couldn't be forgone. That such love _will_ flourish despite acting against it. As had been the case with Lily and James.

He never was a perfect listener, but the tiny smile displaying Remus's bliss coupled with underlying sadness, was worth it.

"Tell me about your first date." His words were intelligible even if he was on his third glass of firewhisky while Remus was still on his first. He couldn't believe he had just said that; he was never interested in such lovey-dovey details. Before (Years ago) he'd rather discuss shagging techniques than listen about his friend's and cousin's romantic rendezvous.

Remus was surprised to say the least. He raised his eyebrows in that typical Remus fashion but said nothing. Sirius just wanted him to keep talking. At least he got to know that his brother had been happy while he was rotting away. Even if it was just for a little while.

"Well..." He murmured. "We mostly met in that park, but the first time I took her some other place was...remember that private Stonehole beach in Bermuda we visited after we graduated?"

A sly smile graced Sirius. "Moony, you cunning dog, you took her there? Was it your first date or _honeymoon_?" He knew he sounded so much like his old self but he couldn't resist teasing this time. The mentioned beach was one of the most exotic and beautiful places he had ever visited and that was saying something.

Remus rolled his eyes good naturedly, looking nostalgic and smiling at the same time. "It's not like we have to prepare for a vacation or something beforehand like Muggles, we can just apparate in blink of an eye or create a portkey. Now listen..."

* * *

_August, 1991_

As soon as they appeared, salty scent of air and the sound of waves crashing the cliffs and lapping against the shore hit their senses. She didn't even wait for him to remove his hands that were covering her eyes; instead she wrenched them away and took the scene in hungrily and excitedly.

"Oh my... I didn't really think that you will _actually_ bring me here..." She whispered in awe.

Days ago, she had mentioned it in passing that she had never been to a beach and had only seen them in photographs or in advertisements. He had silently thought to himself that he should comply to her wish. The beach was breathtaking with clear aqua-blue water (which coincidently matched her shirt), cliffs and golden sand. It held a special place in his heart as Marauders along with Frank Longbottom, had celebrated their graduation here after Hogwarts along with Gideon and Fabian Prewett. Even James and Lily had spent a day or two of their honeymoon (more like world tour) here. He never visited it though after...after everything as it had been too painful. As nearly all the people attached to those memories were dead. But when she had absently mentioned it to him, he had thought it worth a try and frankly, seeing the happiness on her face, it was worth it.

"Oh Remus..." She squealed like a little girl, immediately abandoning her slippers and running like a maniac on the crispy sand. He stood there simply laughing at her happiness. The beach was silent except for the crashing of water and occasionally chirping of birds. He walked on the marks left by his beloved on the golden sand to reach her, as she now stood by the shore while silent waves tenderly worshipped her feet.

He walked until he stood behind her, encircling her waist and looking towards the sky. It was sunset, a time when the beach was the most appreciative. The whole sky was tinted with pink, orange, yellow, and blue, but he wasn't looking at it. Not anymore.

He was looking at the beautiful woman beside him who had a look of wonder on her face. Her pink hair whipped behind, gently brushing his cheeks and the sky was reflected in her dark brown orbs. She had a smile on her face that said she was at peace.

"I love you." He whispered.

Her smile grew wider, as she turned to look at him. She encircled her arms around his neck.

"Have you ever been in love before?" She asked out of nowhere.

"What brought this on?" He asked prising her hair away from her face as they now whipped in opposite direction.

"Just wondering..."

"I...don't think so."

"You don't think so? But you don't _know_?"

"I mean I have never felt this _strongly_ for someone before."

"But you _have_ felt strongly?"

He rolled his eyes. _Women_.

"I amend: I haven't even _remotely_ felt what I feel for you, for anyone else. I mean I have had crushes but nothing serious."

"But you must have had girlfriends? I mean you are _thirty_." She played with the hairs at the nape of his neck.

" I always say that you make me feel _so_ young!" He muttered sarcastically. "What is this, Lupin interrogation?"

"Answer the question!" She slapped him playfully.

He sighed. "I had few... Mostly set up by Si- my friends."

"How many?"

He slowly let her go and urged her forward into water, his hand in hers.

"I had one in fifth year...don't ask her name because I don't remember it."

"How can anyone not remember their _girlfriend's_-"

"-_ex_-"

"-name." She said indignantly splashing water at him.

"She was not even a proper girlfriend, we just went two-three times on Hogsmeade dates and she had a weird name... Clemen-Clementia something."

"I have a weird name too." She pouted slightly and he sensed a slight nervousness beneath her teasing.

He splashed a hefty amount of water in return and she shrieked. He pulled her towards him.

"You, my precious, are unforgettable." He said pressing his lips to hers. She hummed slightly as a bit huge wave collapsed with them leaving them fully wet.

She pulled away and smiled. He tried not looking down her wet shirt.

"And?"

"And what?"

"More girlfriends?"

He sighed in exasperation. "Really Tonks...I had one in my seventh year... She was a Ravenclaw I guess... Her name was Dolly."

She giggled. "Dolly! _Really_?"

"Well, she was Lily's friend and she was the one to set me up. Apparently I was a hermit loner."

"That's it? Only two Hogwarts girlfriends?"

"Yes, I told you once I didn't have many. There was this one named Helena..."

"Sounds like a bar dancer name..." She muttered. No woman liked talking about their current partner's past and he could sense it in her even if it was only to a little degree, but yet they still deemed it necessary to know. _Why_ he would never know. Why ponder on something which only irritates?

"Well she did work in a bar, she was a waitress though… It didn't last long...all fun but nothing serious." He told her truthfully.

"Anymore girlfriends...?"

"Ah... I was wishing you wouldn't ask..."

"Why?" She asked a little apprehensively.

"There was this...girl...she was _beautiful_..." He said dreamily.

"Who?" She became more apprehensive sensing change in his facial expression.

"She..." He raised his hand, looking distantly at the sky as if drawing an invisible painting. "She was very kind and sweet...No matter how much I try not to think, she's always at the back of my mind."

"Who...who was- _is_ she?" She repeated; her voice growing very small as she dropped her arms from his waist.

He looked at her, making direct eye to eye contact.

"Nymphadora..."

"What...?" She had gone pale and looked fearful.

"Her name...her name was- _is_ Nymphadora."

For a while she blinked owlishly at him and he waited with baited breath for assault.

And indeed it came.

As realization dawned on her slow mind she shrieked, splashing all the water at him, flailing her arms madly. Hitting him occasionally on the chest.

"_You_. You... You scared me for a moment."

He burst out laughing. "It serves you right. Here I bring you to such a romantic place and you are digging up my boring dead past romantic endeavors. What could I have done?" He laughed above her indignant attack and finally managed to pull her towards him.

"For a moment I was scared out of my skin, you nearly gave me a heart attack." She calmed down while sagging into him. Placing her head on his shoulder.

They were drenched by now and he loved the feel of their warm bodies entangled.

"You have nothing to fear other than me... " He said quietly, rubbing her back.

"Shut up. What happened to romantic place and romantic mood? No morbid thoughts."She kissed him and he sank into her. He never really had experienced anything as exquisite as this. His past physical interactions had been nice but this was something else entirely. Add to that, the feel of her wet body and he was in heaven.

"I love you..." She whispered near his jaw and he shivered.

"Have you ever been in love before?" He smirked.

In answer she just kissed harder.

"Come on, I want to explore this whole place." She squealed excitedly running away from his arms in a blink. That girl was an electric ball of energy.

Later he dried them up and showed her every nook and corner of the place. Apparating her to cliffs to show her views from different angles. She made 'sand' angels as she called them and they spent the rest of the time learning about each other.

* * *

By the time Remus had finished (Sirius was sure he had left out the more..._intimate_ details), he could almost glimpse a shadow covering his friend's face. He kept staring blankly at the wall, his face impassive but his eyes flickering with pain.

He could perfectly understand how he felt. His once happy memories, the time spent with James and at Hogwarts, sent a piercing pain through his heart every time he thought about them. Especially when he realized that there was nothing, absolutely _nothing_ he could do to bring those times back.

"Dude, you are in love..." He finally concluded and wondered why he wasn't drunk yet.

Remus chuckled though happiness was farthest thing from his mind. "I have been for the past three years..."

"You look old Moony. How come she fell for an ugly old wolf such as you?" He attempted a joke.

Remus gave a wry smile, rubbing his stubble. "You are mistaken my friend. I have been told I have mysteriously beautiful eyes and smile." Sirius could see his hands shaking; something which rarely happened with Remus.

Remus bent over and opened a drawer on his table, pulling out a blank parchment almost reverently. He pointed his wand at it and murmured their password 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good.', as a picture appeared on the parchment.

Remus stared at whatever was in that picture, stroked it with his shaking index finger as he swallowed painfully. For a moment he thought he looked almost tearful. Wordlessly he passed the photo to Sirius.

Sirius almost didn't recognize the people in photo. It was a direct capture of an intimate moment; he could guarantee that he was probably the first person this picture had been showed to.

There sitting on the bed was a man with sandy brown hairs barely flecked with grey with a beautiful woman in his arms. The woman's back was pressed to his chest. He had his arms wrapped around her waist, covered lightly by the woman's hand.

It was obviously Remus and Tonks. Remus smiled first at the camera and then adoringly at Tonks, pecking her lips lovingly. The reason he didn't recognize Tonks was because of her hair. She had waist length chocolate colored hair, gathered in front. She blushed cutely whenever the picture Remus kissed her. They both were in their pajamas and it looked like they both had just woken up with sleep rumpled hair and clothes. Remus looked so young, as if his lycanthropy never happened. He was smiling boyishly like a young man in love. So far he had thought that Tonks was a chirpy woman, but if this picture was anything to go by, she had entirely changed. In picture she looked carefree with pure bliss etched on her face.

They were obviously very in love.

He looked from picture Remus to real Remus. He was slumped in his chair, leaning backwards, his eyes glued to the ceiling as he quietly sipped his firewhisky in huge gulps. Sirius didn't know if the watering in his eyes was due to the burning of the alcohol.

He placed the photo respectfully on the table. "Who clicked it?"

"Charmed...self-timed..." He mumbled.

"Why...?" Sirius asked. And he wasn't asking about the self charmed camera and Remus knew it.

He didn't bother looking at him, eyes still glued to the ceiling he answered. "Her career was just starting and I was beginning to become a burden on her. She never said anything. Oh she _never_ even realized it, but I did. Unknowingly I was becoming a financial strain on her while she had barely started training. Being with me was affecting her reputation; it would have affected her work... And she's a fantastic Auror… had she stayed with me, sooner or later those Ministry bigots would have discriminated against her. I couldn't destroy her new, blossoming life...so I left..."

"You left?"

"Mhm mm. She was sleeping one night and I left..."

Sirius stared with dumfound wonder at him. He couldn't believe his ears. "You mean, you didn't... You did not even _tell_ her that you were leaving?"

Remus finally looked at him. He looked broken and defeated. "She would have asked me to stay. And I for the life of it cannot _ever_ say no to her."

Sirius sighed in exasperation, a bit annoyed and frustrated at hearing all this. Remus had everything he wanted presently, mainly love, and he had thrown it away.

"You should have at least talked, _told_ her Remus that you were leaving..."

"She's young and very persuasive, she would have stopped me."

"Why does age matters so much to you? Now that I have got used to the idea of you two together, it doesn't seems so weird, you were happy after all. That's what matters."

Remus picked up the picture and muttered 'mischief managed' pointing his wand at it. The picture vanished and he placed it away.

"Perhaps, it wouldn't have mattered had I not been a werewolf or had I been a _wealthy_ werewolf. But have you ever heard of such thing? What mattered in the end was that I was old, poor and dangerous, a deadly combination if you ask me."

He shook his head. "Sirius you are filthy rich. If say, once your name is cleared and you go for a woman twenty years younger than you, no one will object because they know you have _capability_ and _means_ of taking care of her. Hell maybe her parents would happily give her hand in your hand. _Such_ is the power of money and health. One does not realize it until one loses it. It's no use pondering now though, she hates me."

Sirius couldn't contradict his statement. All the earlier interactions he had seen between Remus and Tonks; he had realized in some sub-conscious part of his mind that Tonks had never liked Remus much. Maybe he could talk to her...?

"And you both met now for the first time since you left?"

He nodded.

"It would be laughable if it wasn't so tragic."

Sirius muttered to himself and wondered why the Marauders were destined to be so doomed.

"I can't say if what you did was right or wrong but I can _understand_ why you did what you did." Sirius finally replied. He didn't know if there was anything he could do. After all he had heard the story from Remus; he hadn't been _there_ to witness the damage first hand.

The door creaked open and Harry Potter entered.

"What's up?" Sirius immediately asked looking at the disheveled yet fully awake boy.

"Can't sleep." He murmured.

"Join the group." Both Sirius and Remus spoke simultaneously.

Harry grinned. A rare smile which in return made both men smile back.

"Actually I was wondering if you could tell me about these." He said showing a book, that Sirius now noticed.

"It's album...of Mum and Dad... Hagrid gifted it to me in my first year."

"Oh yes I remember Hagrid owling me for pictures back then..." Remus replied as he surreptitiously glided the Firewhisky away while Harry seated himself on the bed.

Sirius again realized the unfairness of his life. He should have been there for Harry, showing him pictures of his parents and telling him the related stories. But looking at the boy, expectantly handing the album to Remus, Sirius felt his bitterness melt away.

And then began the reminiscing.

* * *

"Can you grow moustaches?" Sirius asked as he sauntered in the Library where Tonks was currently sitting on a sofa. In reply, she scrunched up her face and grew a rather bushy and elaborate moustache.

"_Now_ we look related." He said as he sat ungracefully in an armchair.

Tonks rolled her eyes, vanishing her newly grown facial hairs in the blink of an eye.

Now that he was sitting, ready to talk about something he shouldn't know about in the first place, he didn't know how to begin.

Better to be blunt.

"I know about you and Remus." He blurted out.

He saw how rigid she went, pausing mid-turn of a page, how blood fled her face. He just couldn't fathom the look in her eyes.

"Thanks for breaking it gently, Sirius." She finally said almost sarcastically as she relaxed a little. Going back to her files as if nothing out of the ordinary had been said.

_Damn!_ Now that he thought about it, Lily would have handled the situation better. She would have firstly lured Tonks into a fall sense of security by talking about random things of no importance. Then she would have changed the subject _very_ subtly, to her own love life. And then when Tonks would have felt completely at ease at her, Lily would have thrown out a discreet question such as _'So do you have someone in your life?'_ or 'Oh _come on, it is not possible that you have never fell in love'_ or something equally unobvious, which would have prompted Tonks into talking.

It wasn't that Lily had been deceiving. No, she had been cunning and knew exactly how to make someone talk about what they didn't want to talk about initially.

That was how she discovered most of James' endeavors, (both romantic and non-romantic) from _Sirius_, of all the people, by the way of various _accidental slip_.

"How-" He re-tried when he was cut off by an annoyed Tonks.

"I'd rather not talk about it." She said without even bothering to look up.

"I wasn't saying anything about it. I was going to ask how you have been doing."

"You just met me this morning." She snapped irritatingly.

"Why are you getting defensive?"

"I am not getting defensive, Sirius smarty-pants Black."

"You are."

"Am not."

"You are!"

"_Not_. Look we could go on like this for hours. Just like you don't like to talk about Azkaban, know that I don't like to talk about _it_."

Sirius grew absolutely silent and still.

"Did I say something wrong?" She asked tentatively when he stayed silent. Her face was still red faced from shouting.

"You just compared _your_ life with my best friend with _my_ life in Azkaban. Do you know what that means?"

He had been right. He felt more protective of Remus then he felt towards Tonks.

She sighed. "Look, I am sorry for bringing up Azkaban but just like I have no idea what you went through- I mean I have an idea but truly, only _you_ would know. Similarly, you too have no idea what I went through. You have only heard his side of story."

"Then tell me your side of story."

"Sirius please, I-I have moved on and there's no reason to dig up the past..."

"If you have moved on, then you should be able to talk about it. It shouldn't hurt."

"Yes, but I haven't forgotten how wretched I felt or how broken I was. I haven't forgotten my struggle. That _hurts_ to remember."

"Tell me about your happy times then, with him, they shouldn't hurt to talk about." He repeated. He wanted her to talk so that he can gauge her reaction. Remus was easy to read, especially for him (or only for him?), but was Tonks easy to read too?

"Why are you so insistence on getting me to talk?" She said in an exasperated tone.

"You still love him." He threw into the air.

It was almost as if spirit of Lyssa had appeared in front of Sirius. Tonks's eyes flashed with red and trembled with fury barely contained.

"Don't you _dare_! I do _not_ love him. Don't you dare try manipulate me, make assumptions about me..." She looked him right in the eye and spoke fiercely with angry tears in her eyes.

Sirius was too stunned to react but snapped out of his trance as she angrily got up.

"Hey Tonks, Listen I am sorry, sit down please." He himself got up and took her by shoulders.

She sat down reluctantly, breathing hard.

He sat down next to her. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry."

He had thought that she would falter when he had argued that she still loved him. But she had looked him straight in the eyes and made the proclamation without hesitation.

_Things might not be too bright for Remus…_

"I just thought that maybe you had no one to talk to... I mean I know we are not that close and I am not the first choice to talk with about such matters but then... Well..."

She relaxed completely. "What do you want to know?" She asked determinately.

"Er... It's okay; I mean if you don't want to talk..."

"No, you are right... I mean I am detached, there's no harm in remembering anything. It won't change anything."

"How about..." He thought hard. "It seemed to me, that you lived together... How did you make the decision to move in. I mean what brought that on?" He hoped that he hadn't picked up a painful topic.

She sighed. "It was an impulse..."

"Impulse?"

"Hmmm... It must have been late August..."

* * *

She knew she was almost skipping with each step. She couldn't wait to see Remus. She flung open the heavy iron wrought gates of the Orphanage and spotted him right away.

As she approached from behind, she saw him indulging James in a game of noughts and crosses.

"How can anyone lose noughts and crosses?" She asked from behind.

He turned to smile at her and her heart skipped a beat. "Apparently I can."

"It's jus' that I ave more brain then Uncle Remus here." James spoke cockily giving a childish smirk and they both laughed.

"Go now. You better do your homework. You defeated me five times now."

"You jus' don want to lose in front of your galfriend." He exclaimed daringly as he ran away, taking his notebook which they had been playing on.

Tonks laughed harder at the look of astonishment on Remus's face.

"How come he knows what is a _'galfriend'_ anyways? He's barely six." He said in disbelief.

"It didn't help matters that he walked in on us the other day." She smirked at him and leaned forward to place a kiss on his lips in greeting and also at his sweetness for humoring the boy. But just as she got near his lips, he pulled away.

"Not in front of the children." He glared playfully at her.

Something bubbled deep in her stomach at his statement; at the picture that popped into her mind as he said it. It was almost as if they were sitting in their small cottage, where she was trying to get naughty and he playfully scolded her to not to depict inappropriate behavior in front of _their_ children.

She settled for a peck on his cheek instead as her butterflies in stomach quelled down a little.

"There's some place I need to take you after this."

"Where?" He asked curiously.

She traced a small, barely noticeable scar near his left eye and answered:

"It's a surprise."

After a blissful hour with children, they found themselves searching for a secluded spot to apparate instead of visiting their usual coffee shop.

"How come you aren't pestering me to spill my surprise?"

He raised his one eyebrow at her. "I am good at curbing my curiosity."

"Hold me."

"What?"

"Hold me; I need to side-along you."

He stepped forward, his hands buried deep in his pockets, staring intensely at her, all traces of previous amusement gone. He encircled her waist with his arms and pulled her forward. She sighed inwardly. Her insides melted whenever he looked at her _that_ way. There was no way to describe it. It was a look a dying man would have for elixir of life; a starving man would have for food. It was a look of yearning, of craving, of avid longing and it almost put her in tears. Because she could see how much he had lost and _yet_ had found in her. He leaned forward and pressed his lips hungrily to hers. It was as if, if he didn't claim her right then and there, he would lose her forever.

"Is everything alright?" She whispered in concern. Something was amiss. She cupped his cheek and stroked his stubble.

"Yes." He gave a short answer and leant forward to kiss her again.

"If you kept kissing me this way, where will I bring determination, deliberation and damnation for apparaition?"

"It's destination."

"See, I am not coherent enough." He pulled away slightly.

"Take me."

And she apparated them.

Right into the middle of a flat.

"Where are we?" He furrowed his brows, as he left their embrace to look around.

When he turned to look at her she was literally bouncing with excitement.

"IT'S MY NEW FLAT!" She screamed and ran towards him, jumping right into his arms like a little monkey, wrapping her legs around his waist. He faltered for a moment but maintained a firm grip.

"Your flat?"She could feel his smile against her cheek. She nodded and hopped down.

"Mum and Dad gifted it to me. Today."

"Wow. Congrats Dora!" He beamed.

"You know, what this means? I mean it will be so convenient. What with my studies and training! I can come and go anytime I want without any questions from Mum and Dad. We can spend even more time together. And it's a Muggle community and the view from the window is priceless..." As she babbled on, she missed the look of fondness on Remus' face.

"Come on, show me your place." He ordered.

She took his hand and started. It wasn't very big but enough for two. She showed him the kitchen and wondered if it would ever really be used and realized that she was going to miss her mother's cooking. There was one huge living room and she told him how she planned to have a huge comfy sofa and a coffee table, a bookshelf and the decor for rest of place. She then showed him the bedroom and attached bathroom. She took him out through the door in living room to a small balcony.

"And this is my favorite part." She breathed in the fresh air and snuggled into Remus.

"It's beautiful... Not just the view but your whole flat… Tell me when you are moving, I will help you." He dropped a kiss on her head.

She turned to look at him.

"Sometimes I get so scared..."

"Scared?"

"Hmm... Whole my life had been uneventful and sort of...lonely... I never had many friends. I thought, I would be lonelier when I graduate...but _everything _changed. I qualified, I get this new place and more importantly I got you. And I realized that all I needed was one person to make me happy and you are that person."

He stroked her cheek with back of his fingers and she leaned in.

"I am so glad." He smiled but her suspicions were back. Something was off about him.

"Remus, what's wrong? I know that something is..." She asked in her best intimidating tone.

He sighed and stepped aside, leaning on the railings. He looked so tired, even though his transformation had been a week ago and the next was as far as it could be.

"Remus..." She murmured soothingly, placing her palm on his back.

"I was kicked out today." He gave a mirthless laugh. "Almost literally. I was unable to pay the rent of last two months."

She opened her mouth in surprise, all her excitement vanishing in that instant. He looked so sad and hopeless… And the most ironic thing of all: he had lost his home the day she had got a new one.

"I-I am so sorry. I had no idea..."

"Why are you sorry love?" He smiled at her reassuringly.

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know..." He looked away, lines on his forehead getting prominent.

"Where would you have gone tonight? Do you have a place for tonight?"

"No..."

"No? Remus were you even going to tell me?"

"I shouldn't be burdening you with such trivial things Dora."

She realized with horror that he looked ashamed.

She gaped. "_Trivial_? My boyfriend has no roof above his head and you call it trivial?"

"You shouldn't have a boyfriend who is homeless in the first place. You need a boyfriend who can pamper you with gifts and surprises..."

"You pamper me and I do _not_ need gifts and surprises. I need _you_." She spoke fiercely as she hugged him tighter. He relaxed into her embrace.

He rubbed her back."I'll figure something out."

"When? It's almost evening..." She felt herself panicking. Where was he going to stay even _temporarily_?

"Your father?"

"No." He stopped that thought quickly.

"But-"

"I said no." His tone held no negotiation. "There is always that bench in the park..."

She realized with alarm that he was _actually_ considering it. She could feel tears starting to sting her eyes.

He looked disturbed at the sight of tears.

"You are _not_ to waste tears on me." He wiped at them away.

"Waste? Why do you think so lowly of yourself?" She asked tearfully.

He kissed her instead of answering. He did that sometimes; she realized suddenly, sometimes to escape her questions regarding his personality or his condition.

"Stay with me." She said.

"Huh?"

"Stay the night with me."

"With you? Your parent's home?" He chuckled at the absurd idea.

"No silly. _Here_."

"You don't even have any furniture."

"We'll conjure mattresses, we'll sleep on the ground, we'll have takeaway and then we'll play noughts and crosses."

"I'd rather do better things." He raised his eyebrows suggestively and she was glad to see his eyes twinkling.

Her insides squirmed. "You'll stay then?"

"If it's no trouble… But wouldn't your parents be expecting you home?"

"I'll make something up. Don't worry."

"Thank you."She brushed his hair from his forehead and leaned up to kiss him.

"Don't mention it. And Remus?"

"Hmm?" He looked at her with that look again but this time with a smile.

"I'll move in by the end of this week...and you'll move in with me too."

That tiny smile vanished as if it had never been there. He pulled away gently but firmly, shaking his head.

"No...no..."

"It's only..._right_, the _next_ level, Remus... Don't overreact..."

"There are _so_ many issues with this that I don't even know where to begin."

"From the start." She implored wondering what _issues_ he would come up with.

"Firstly, it's too, _too_ early to move in... We have known each other for two months. It's way too early."

"What does that has to do with anything? I love you, you love me, that should suffice."

"Love is the primary factor in a relationship yes, but there are other factors too. We have just begun to learn, to know about each other, we should take things at its natural pace. We are not rushing, it would be an impulse."

"Our first kiss was an impulse too, do you regret it?"

"No of course not. But this is important. Living with each other brings responsibility which we may not be ready to bear."

"I am ready." She answered without hesitation.

"You are being hasty. Think about it. You were keen to leave your parent's because it was interfering with your own life. My being here with you, a _werewolf_ no less would be a greater interference, hindrance even. We both have different routines, of waking, of sleeping, of doing things different ways. It sounds good but it implies too much." He replied in a teacher-y voice. Why was he being so difficult?

"Don't patronize me Remus! I know what it implies. But isn't that what a relationship is? Adjusting for your partner's needs? It's what commitment is. Are you afraid of commitment?"

"I am not afraid and that brings me to second issue. Moving in, sooner or later, should be because we _want_ to, not because of obligation, not because I am homeless. The reason is entirely wrong." He looked frustrated.

"It's not charity, if that's what you are thinking. I love you and I want to be with you. Once my training starts I will barely be free during the day. At least this way we could be together. At least I will know that I am returning home to you."

"I-I don't like living on other's money. It would feel as if I am imposing if I can't pay rent for the place I am residing in." He admitted grudgingly.

"But I never will have to pay for rent. This is my place Remus. Love, please."

"What about your parents? How will they feel about this arrangement. Your living with a werewolf whom you have known for only two months."

"They'll have to know sooner or later and if you are not comfortable, they don't have to know right now. It's not as if they would apparate in the middle of the night into my apartment. I would be placing anti-apparition wards on the place."

"Speaking of nighttime, if we live together, what would be our sleeping arrangements?"

She blushed lightly at his implications. "We'll cross that bridge when it comes to it."

"I... Don't like it Dora, it's all happening way too fast for my liking."

"Don't you want to be with me?" She asked in a small voice.

"Of course I want to. I miss you as soon as I see you off...but..." He took her hands.

"See, I promise it is not because you don't have a place, trust me, I won't lie to you. I seriously want you to move in, please..."

"Please don't say _please_..." He sighed."Alright. But here's one condition. I'll stay as far as I cannot find a new place."

"But that's absurd. You mean to say if this arrangement is well enough, you'd rather move out than being with me."

"Why do you keep taking everything so personally?" He muttered and shook his head. "We'll see. We'll...see."

She sighed in relief knowing she had won. She hugged him. "Thank you."

"Thank _you_." He replied kissing her temple.

* * *

"That's how it happened... He never did find a place. Or maybe he did but he stayed anyway..." She spoke in such a monotonous tone...

Sirius had been expecting a tone of longing.

That he might see how she missed things as they were or some indication that all was not lost.

In the end he concluded two things: Either she really had moved on or she was really good at hiding her emotions.

There was no way to know.

"God I am late! Sorry Sirius got to go, I have a shift. Sorry for snapping at you earlier." She hurriedly picked up her stuff and ran out.

Why was he even attempting matchmaking? It was not his forte. But then he reminded himself the way Remus and Tonks had looked in that photograph. He would be a little happier if his best friend and cousin were happy, _together_. He had mucked up things for Remus years ago, he wanted to do something for his friend.

He might not be able to devise any cunning shrewd plan to aid his matchmaking but he would try his best to bring them together.

* * *

_A/N: And the night Remus stays in Tonks' flat is NOT the night I mentioned in last chapter (that happened much later), and they really did play noughts and crosses this time!_

_See, the error of their ways? They really were going too fast..._

_Anyways, it's amid my examinations that I am updating but my next update will be after a little more than a month, I do need to study after all..._

_**Guest**\- Here's another chapter and I hope you enjoy this too. Thank you._

_**remusdora- **I am glad you are liking it, reviews are what encourage me to update even in between my exams. And no I don't think so that werewolf mission would play any bigger role._

_**PablosGirl **\- The morning after scene is my personal favorite too. Thanks for your lovely review._

_**JKStorm501**\- Thank you. I am glad you are liking it._

_**GinnyPotter6891**\- You are right, English writing and speaking tend to differ a bit from country to country but fanfiction is definitely a platform that nevertheless brings people together who enjoy writing despite different languages. I am glad you liked the chapter._

_Reviews/favorites/follows are cherished and make me immensely happy! Thank you :)_


	7. Where the lights are taking us

_I do not own Harry Potter_

* * *

"Hey..." Tonks spoke, a little startled to see that the Blacks' back garden wasn't that unoccupied.

She had been looking for a place to relax, a place that wasn't unventilated and dark and preferably green, a place within Grimmauld Place itself as there was an Order meeting within half an hour. So she had come here, the garden she barely visited. Amidst cleaning this horrid place and keeping a tab on her kids, Molly had found time to maintain the garden too. It wasn't the ideal garden, just green grass and few random flowers, but it was _something_.

"Hello!" Remus replied, looking a teeny bit shocked too at the intrusion. He held a Butterbeer in his hand and she thought maybe he too was looking for a place to unwind.

"I am not disturbing you, am I?" She asked a little hesitantly, still hovering near the doorway.

"Of course not." He replied with vigor.

She sat down next to him but at a friendly distance. "It's better out here" Ever since her meeting with him, they had gotten a bit more comfortable around each other. They could chat for minutes on normal matters without stuttering or turning red. It was nice. Sometimes she felt she might be finally getting closure.

"Want some?" He asked tipping the can in her direction. Though she faltered, she took it anyway. God, she had been thirsty.

They sat there for minutes in silence passing the can to each other, but never once the drink went below the half mark.

"Why isn't it finished yet?" She frowned at the can.

Remus grinned boyishly looking younger and making her smile too. "Refilling charm; performed it earlier."

She rolled her eyes. "Do you plan on getting me drunk?" She asked jokingly.

"Hardly. Or else I would have tried something a tad strong like Firewhisky."

"Remember the time I tried that muggle tequila?" She grinned despite herself.

"How can I forget? I had to literally carry you home just after one shot."

They both chuckled lightly. A little nervously as she immediately remembered how that night had ended. She felt her cheeks reddening and looked at Remus sideways who was rubbing the back of his neck. Merlin she was _flirting_ with him...

"Have any idea what assignments would be given today?" She asked a little hastily trying to change the topic. It was well and good that they were talking with each other but this time there was certain boundary that needn't be crossed.

"There's one mission that requires two days of continuance surveillance most probably in a tent; I wonder whom will it be given to, there are people with jobs and families here."

He spoke so matter-of-factly and she remembered with a pang that he neither had a family nor a job.

Well he _might_ have had a family...

"And?" She inquired cutting her own thoughts.

"And rests are routine ones. Do you think we should move inside?"

He got up but just as she followed his suit, she tripped rather pathetically on her shoe laces. He immediately leapt and grabbed her around her waist firmly.

"Clumsy as ever." He muttered in amusement as she collided with his warm chest.

"Never did learn to tie these laces." She spoke, embarrassed to say so. She wasn't a child, for god's sake...

"Happens. It's um...a thing, a quirk some people have, having difficulty with laces and thread and needles and such." He reassured her as he bent down.

"What are you doing?" She asked a little alarmed.

"Don't worry; just ensuring I don't have to catch you again." He replied, already in process of tying her shoe laces.

She was more embarrassed than before; she felt like a toddler being dressed up by her mother. Though when he used to do so _earlier_ it hadn't seemed embarrassing then... it had seemed rather sweet actually…

"Done!" He stood giving her a lovely smile.

Later they found themselves in the middle of the meeting.

"...Severus won't be there..." Dumbledore was saying but she wasn't listening to him. She was a bit distracted as she took in Emmeline chatting up Remus who was sitting across her. The way Emmeline held herself in front of him, smiling coyly and fluttering her eyelashes struck odd to her. Was she flirting...? _My never thought that possible..._

Emmeline was a woman of grace and poise; she must have been around forty, few years older than Remus. Though Hesita and Emmeline were friends and so were Hestia and Tonks (and good one at that), Emmeline never really gave Tonks more than a polite smile. Maybe her hairs and clothes made her uncomfortable, it did so to many people. She would have loved to know Emmeline though.

Because Tonks loved to get acquainted with people, loved to know about them, it was in her personality. But that's all what they remained: acquaintances, nothing more. But that had changed when she had joined the Order. She had made immediately friends with Ginny, Molly and Hestia but Emmeline probably wouldn't be added to that list anytime soon.

She caught Remus' eyes and he looked a little flustered. It was as if he wanted to listen to what Dumbledore was saying but at the same time he was too polite to tell Emmeline so.

She gave him a sympathetic smile. She knew Remus understood Emmeline's advances. He was smart enough to figure out such trivial things. He neither looked interested nor flattered to be the attention of such a dignified _lady_. If anything, he looked sullen. Good for him. No hard feelings against Emmeline but she just wasn't Remus' type. He needed a woman who could tell him one or two things about having fun...

Emmeline bent forward to pick up a parchment by Remus' other side and deliberately brushed his hand with hers. Tonks sighed in annoyance. Really, couldn't Emmeline understand that her advances were not being encouraged? Tonks didn't like when a woman made a fool of herself. It just gave men another chance to judge women negatively.

She huffed and turned her attention back to Dumbledore. She needed to concentrate on the Order Leader and not to petty Order gossips.

"And now there's this surveillance duty in Essex. You will need to leave tomorrow evening that is Friday and you'll retire on Sunday, at midnight. The Death Eaters are meeting for exchange of some... Weapons we shall say. And it's in midst of a jungle. Alastor would be providing the tent with disillusionment charms on it but you will have to set up important protective wards to be invisible. It sounds easy but it is a _bit_ dangerous as you will be extremely close to the Death Eaters' site and therefore you shall maintain perfect cover." He said gravely. "Any volunteers?"

Tonks looked around and none of them were looking at Dumbledore. Obviously it was weekend and none was too willing to spend it in a dark unknown jungle that too among Death Eaters in cold.

"I will do it." Remus said finally looking defeated. By this time Sirius had even stopped volunteering, knowing it was futile.

"That's wonderful Remus but I require another volunteer, I am afraid it's a two people job."

"I'll do it." Emmeline jumped in. "I mean I do have work but I can take an off."

"I-I am sure that won't be necessary." Remus added hastily looking alarmed at the prospect of spending two full days in Vance's company.

"Tonks, I heard you have got two days off?" Dumbledore inquired looking at her with an amused smile.

"Er...yes I do."

"Will you be so gracious as to help Remus here, I am sure it will be handy to have an Auror."

"Really Albus, why disturb dear Nymphadora-" Emmeline interfered and Tonks winced. "-I mean she's an Auror and she barely gets a day off, she's young after all, she must have already made plans, who knows, she might have a date-"

"I'll do it." Tonks declared to cut off Emmeline's babbling. It wasn't as if she could downright deny Dumbledore's request. Moreover because she had no plans what so ever for weekend except to sleep and eat. Plus Emmeline was simply annoying her.

"Excellent." Dumbledore said delightfully. "And my dear Emmeline, I have another job for you..." He continued and Tonks noticed Emmeline's sour mood. Obviously she wouldn't be disrespectful towards Headmaster but she could see that she wasn't happy with him either. She even saw her throwing an affronted look in her direction.

Remus caught her eyes and raised his eyebrows in question as if asking if she was okay with spending a weekend with him. She smiled reassuringly. After all she had re-established their friendship for this sole purpose: that they could work together without any hesitation and awkwardness.

In few minutes, the meeting concluded. Some made a beeline for the door such as Sturgis, Dedalus and Dumbledore. She was also surprised to see Sirius leaving the kitchen without any word to anybody. While rest stayed manly to have Molly's wondrous meal.

* * *

"Albus." Sirius called out softly just as Dumbledore opened the main door. "Thank you. I know we are not on best terms right now but I thought this was something you could help me with." He said politely with a stiff face.

"Sirius I know what you want for Remus and Nymphadora, is best for them. After all, nothing would make me happier if there was a little more love in the world." He smiled. Sirius feeling like a school boy under his old Headmaster's gaze nodded and they bid each other goodnight. Just as he turned to go back, he came face to face with none other than his friend Remus Lupin.

"So it was you. _Why_ Sirius, what are you trying to achieve?" He asked accusingly.

"Your happiness and hers too." He replied plainly.

"This is not where her happiness lies. Don't make me regret ever telling you about us."

"That's what you'll ever do Remus. _Regret_." He snapped.

"You won't know-"

"Oh yes I know. And I know what I am doing. If there's one thing I have learned it's that time waits for none. One day she would be in arms of another man and all you will feel would be _regret._ Regret that you might have done something. I am saving you from that. That's why I asked Dumbledore! Or otherwise, it appeared to me that Emmeline Vance was a little too excited to be with you on that mission. She had already put in a word with Mad-eye for you two to be on it. And Dumbledore was going to announce it too but I caught him before the meeting. If not for anything else at least be grateful you aren't stuck for two days with a woman you aren't infatuated too." He whispered in harsh tone, almost coming nose to nose with Remus.

"Uh excuse me you are blocking the way." Came Doge's voice from somewhere behind them.

Sirius glared at Remus one last time and brushed past them, pushing accidentally Doge on his way.

* * *

"So, at what time will we be living tomorrow?" Tonks inquired while stuffing in some potatoes on her plate.

"Seven." Answered Remus, who was sitting across her. He looked a little odd and Sirius too judging by their behavior.

"That means I might have an hour after I come back from work." She pondered.

"You might want to pack today itself. We might not get enough time tomorrow."

"What do you think should we take?" She asked conversationally, while trying not to be too loud so that children won't hear them, who were indulged in their own conversations for time being.

"Oh I will pack food for you two so that it lasts long enough and you'll just have to reheat it." Molly interrupted while placing a bowl of gravy on the table.

"Mum, they are not going on a picnic." Bill chuckled.

"Oh but every mission looks like a little picnic with danger." Molly's eye twinkled and Tonks was a bit surprised to hear Molly joking on such matters. She thought she caught a glimpse of the Gryffindor in her.

"Great now it's total three of you on the mission: you, Remus and probably an army tank full of food." Sirius muttered sarcastically to Tonks.

"Where are they going?" Ginny interjected. They finally have caught on their conversation.

"Eat your food Ginny."

"Oh come on mother, it's not like as if we don't know that they are going on a mission-" One of the twins started.

"-To Essex-"

"-Yeah it would be a bit insulting to our intelligence if we wouldn't have figured it out." Fred finished proudly while others snickered.

"Whose duty was it to cast the imperturbable charm on the door today?!" Molly questioned a bit loudly, almost on the verge of shrieking and Tonks thought maybe Arthur was a bit too focused on his food.

"These kids would be death of me..."

"I think I should pack a portable swimming pool too." Returning to her food as the chatter died, Tonks joked quietly to Sirius that earned a snort from Remus.

"Why not a Jacuzzi Tonks? A Jacuzzi for two? Imagine you two getting comfortable in it and keeping a watch at the same time."

She would have upturned the whole plate of food on Sirius's head had she not been red faced with embarrassment as the image of two of them in a Jacuzzi popped in her head.

"I think a recliner would be a better idea." Remus covered hastily and Tonks knew he was red faced too without even looking up.

"Sure mate, whatever suits your fancy." The way Sirius said, in a very snarky yet suggestive way, Tonks knew immediately that it had been a mistake to tell Sirius anything about their past.

Silence that ensued between them, told Tonks that they were probably having a glaring match currently. She simply shoveled the food in her mouth pretending she was deaf.

"Jacuzzi or not, don't forget the medical kit." Bill said seriously and Tonks looked up gratefully at him, realizing a little too late that he had probably heard the whole conversation.

"Sure." Remus assured him, and she finally found courage to look Remus in the eye as he gave her an apologetic look. Silly man, it wasn't his fault that Sirius had a loose screw. She gave him a small smile and turned to Sirius, mustering as much as anger she could in a single glare. But then Sirius Black wouldn't have been Sirius Black if he would have paid any attention.

They passed the entire uncomfortable dinner without any further crude remarks which she appreciated a little too much. After that she said goodnight to everyone including Remus, informing him that she would be here next day after work to leave.

* * *

The front door creaked as she opened it, her backpack colliding with the doorframe as she slid in, making her stumble. The bag contained only the immediate utilities and few set of clothes. She could have carried the world and yet the bag would have weighed nothing with the help of magic but then she was going on a mission _not_ picnic, no matter what Molly or Sirius thought. So she had decided to take as little as possible.

She entered the kitchen and found it empty save for Remus.

"Wotcher." She greeted. It looked like he was packing a sandwich, standing beside the table. He looked up and opened his mouth to speak but whatever it was he was about to say, lodged in his throat as his eyebrows rose high on his forehead and he looked all over at her.

"What?" She asked. "Something wrong with me?" She looked down at herself.

"No... I um- you just look- _ready_. Ready to fight. You look like a soldier." He said with a smile and went to the kitchen counter to grab something.

She looked down at herself. She was wearing a black tank top beneath a camouflage jacket, with forest green pants and ankle length boots (on which she had put a silencing charm). Her hairs were brown and were braided in a French twist. If she were to stand between a forest right now, no normal eyes would be able to see her with these colors and _that_ had been the general idea while she had been dressing.

"More like we are going camping. Why are you packing sandwiches, didn't Molly...?"He peered at her over his shoulder.

"No, Molly brought everything packed. There," he pointed over to the table where a little lunchbox sat, which she assumed was magically reduced in size, "I am just packing these for myself, you know, full moon was back few days ago and- and I sometimes feel queasy to have any heavy food. I will share these with you if you want." he said turning towards her and raising now the fully wrapped sandwich in his hands.

Yeah, full moon, right. He was barely able to stomach any carbohydrate stuff up to almost four days after full moon. When they had been living together, it had become a routine for both of them to have something light those days, though he always insisted that she didn't need to change her habits on his behalf, she had complied with it anyway. But sure Molly didn't know this and he was kind enough to not to mention this to her.

She smiled. "Sure, I miss your handmade sandwiches sometimes so much." Just as the words left her mouth, she froze in horror and winced internally. It was a _taboo_ to mention anything of their past relationship between them. It was a silent game between them, to pretend to each other as if nothing had ever happened.

She saw as he halted mid adjusting his own backpack. He looked up at the opposite wall, his eyes flickering as if he was contemplating something. And an uneasy expression overtook his face but he went to back to his work as if nothing out of ordinary had been said.

"Let's just inform Sirius and we are ready to go." He smiled at her but there was something strange about that smile this time.

As soon as they apparated she noticed two things at once: firstly her nose was hit by a distinct **earthy** smell and it was darker here than it had been in London.

"We'll have to walk. You can cover our tracks and I can lead the way. Is that alright with you?" Remus's gentle tone wafted to her ears as she took in the scene and he took out the map given by Mad-eye.

"Yeah." She said taking out her wand.

"We'll have to walk for about half an hour."

"Let's get moving then."

They walked down a beaten path, none of their shoes making a sound. It was a field they had apparated to, covered with green grass. As they walked, it kept getting darker and the soft grass refined, making way to tall dry bushes. There wasn't a single trace of another human life. All they had encountered so far had been occasional squirrels, birds; she even had found a pair of jack rabbits which she had squeaked to show Remus and had not missed the chance to inform him that it was her patronus too. As it grew darker and colder, it started getting difficult for her to walk with thorny twigs on the uneven ground and low branches.

"Give me your hand." Remus spoke softly without any reprimand, extending his own hand, as she tripped for third time.

She gave him her hand after a moment's hesitation. Her cold and small hand was engulfed by his warm and larger one and she felt as if she had found an anchor to walk through this rough path.

The tall trees thinned only to give way to heavy thickets. She felt as if she had been walking forever when _finally_ the thickets trimmed and they could see a vast dark expanse of clearing. She stood next to Remus, hand still in his.

"Are we going to set up our tent there?"

"Yeah, that's the only place nearest to the barn."

"Barn? What barn?" She frowned looking here and there.

"Oh they have shadowed it with trees to cover it. You'll see once we go near."

She was breathing hard and sweating even though the weather was cooler here, when he pushed a water bottle in front of her, which she took gratefully and gulped all at once.

"How come you aren't tired? I mean, you were well weren't you?" She suddenly asked, remembering the full moon.

"I took a potion." He said evasively, waving it off and smiling vaguely.

She turned to look at him fiercely when her gaze travelled to his shoulder where a little bug was trying to crawl up his brown jumper. She flicked it off with her forefinger.

"Dumbledore shouldn't have assigned you this mission Remus, he must have know that it was too soon to full moon."

"Dumbledore had no choice, there was no one else, either it was us or it was just you and frankly it isn't a one man's mission." He spoke softly yet a tad defensively.

"There was Emmeline, I and Emmeline could have done this." She said not backing down.

"Emmeline is-" He stopped abruptly as if he was about to say something unpleasant but decided not to. "-I appreciate her...her devotion to the Order but frankly she isn't to be trusted near so many Death Eaters; I wouldn't want her to watch my back on a dangerous mission such as this. I am being blunt but this is truth. _And_ I just noticed, we are standing in open, quite exposed, there's still time for Death Eaters to arrive but we should use it in setting up the wards and tent. Come on."

She shook her head at his stubbornness but let it drop. She began firstly with setting the wards in a huge circle so that any approaching human being neither will be able to see them nor hear them. Meanwhile Remus gave her a binocular to see the barn which she realized with jolt wasn't far enough. Any arriving Death Eater will be barely few meters away from them. She was getting anxious second by second.

"Whom are we expecting?" She asked quietly.

"We can only speculate." he said looking grim as he took out the disillusioned tent out of his bag.

"It's just- it's too near."

"Yeah it is, it will surely be difficult to avoid the temptation to grab those bastards in a chokehold when they would be so near. But that's our orders, we are _only_ to look."

She chuckled. "Do you mind if I plant these?" She asked fisting in her pocket to take out a set of flashy strings.

"Ah, extendable ears." He looked around carefully, then at this watch and then around. "Alright, but disillusion them."

Just as she was about to move, he spoke again. "And be careful, I don't want us to be outside this circle more than it is necessary."

She slowly stepped out of the circle feeling magical wall rippling through her. Now that she looked back, they were right in the middle of the clearing and pretty close. Just the little distance between the barn and their tent was freaking her out, even if they were invisible; this mission was going to be difficult. She slowly made her way through the rough ground, reaching the area where the barn was surrounded with trees strategically. She took out the strings planted carefully in a tiny hole on the barn. If luck would be on their side, they will be able to hear every sentence. Slowly she moved back to their circle covering the already disillusioned string with soil.

"Done." She said triumphantly to Remus who had successfully erected the tent.

"I'll say this is by far the most exciting surveillance I have ever been on. Apparently I was missing out all the fun before joining the Order."

He smiled vaguely as he started lighting up his trademark bluebell flames nonverbally and wandlessly, placing each tiny flame at every corner to generate enough light. Blue light casted a nice effect and weather wasn't too bad either, had it not been for the presence of that creepy barn, the feeling they got were actually that of a camping.

"Something's on your mind Remus." She observed calmly. He was pretty quiet which wasn't unusual but he had a faraway look on his face.

He got up from placing the last flame on the ground, brushing the dirt away from his trousers. He looked carefully at her and then looked away.

"I just- I don't want Peter to come here."

_Peter_. As in Peter Pettigrew aka Wormtail. She nodded for him to continue.

"It would be difficult enough knowing capture of that rat means Sirius's freedom; when obviously I can't do a thing about it..."

"Not _I_ Remus, _we_. Sirius is my cousin. I want him free too but I understand it is our order." She said sadly. "Aren't you hungry? Is there still time?" She asked to change the conversation.

"There are about fifteen minutes as per Severus. And yes, now that you remind me, all that walking did make me hungry..."

They sat next to each other on the ground in front of the tent. Tonks held the extendable ears in one hand and the sandwich in other while Remus too held a binocular in one hand and sandwich in other. When he had offered her one, she had wondered if having it would bring any memories back and she had hesitated a tad but had finally accepted it. The only memory it had brought back was the memory of its wonderful taste and textures that somehow only Remus was able to achieve.

"I am sorry you have to spend your weekend here. I am sure you must have had better plans." He looked at her sideways.

"Not really... I mean all I had planned on was sleeping and eating. Don't have much of an exciting life, really."

Suddenly subsequent cracks resounded and they both jumped a little even if they had been expecting it.

"Here they come." Remus said under his breath finishing last of his sandwich.

They both shared the binocular at the same time; she used the left lens to look while he used the right one.

They all wore long black robes with the masks covering their face. They were total four in number.

"Damn why are they dressed so formally?" She said a bit frustrated at not being able to spot them directly.

Remus chuckled.

"It's always intimidating on the third party, if they can't see your face. Let's set to work then."

It was easier than she had thought, at least until now. Remus was trying to look as much as he could from the magical binoculars while she was listening as much as she could from the extendable ears and jotting down on a paper if something seemed worthy. From their conversation it appeared that they planned to stay in that dingy barn for a day or two.

"You can rest if you want to. I understand you came directly from Ministry."

He looked over his shoulder from his squatting position on the ground as he was currently facing the barn.

"I barely did anything. It's you who is suffering from post moon syndrome. I'll take the first watch." She barely looked up from her parchment. She won't even give him a chance to even try to convince her.

"I am not _suffering_..." He grumbled half heartedly and she rolled her eyes. After few seconds when she felt a prickling on her head, she looked up only to see Remus watching her...dare she say, pretty intensely? The blue light reflected on his blue eyes and skin in such a way that it made him look younger. He looked away almost as soon as she looked up, not giving her much time to work out the expression on his face. She swallowed and went back to listening, realizing her heartbeat had sped a little.

"Come on, off you go." She said in the most authoritative tone she could muster, getting up and nearing him. She tugged him up and tried to snatch away the binoculars. "Go sleep, it looks like they are just settling anyway, its quiet right now."

"Really Tonks, I am fine, I am sure I can stay here for few more hours." He held his ground, responding gently to her manhandling, drawing the binoculars away from her reach while she kept trying to grab it unsuccessfully.

"Few hours? _Few hours?_ In the past two hours we have been keeping the watch, you have yawned total of four times, and seeing you yawn makes _me_ yawn which in return makes _both_ of us lethargic and sleepy." She said while entirely invading his personal space and using a little more force to snatch the debatable item. They were fighting like two little kids for one last remaining chocolate in the jar.

"That's the _most_ ridiculous reasoning I have ever heard, even from you." He muttered grabbing her one wrist and bringing it behind her back while her other flailed madly to reach his hand that was extended in the opposite direction to her.

She gasped at him indignantly, not noticing how near they had come, how their legs were almost tangling with each other. She jumped a little with force and suddenly tripped on his feet which caused her to topple sideways. They both haven't noticed that they were standing extremely near to the boundary to the circle and she felt the magic rippling through her once again, as she fell halfway out of their protected shelter.

He grabbed her waist with force, dragging her backwards towards him, her chest collided with his but she was saved from completely falling out. For a moment they both held on to each other, realizing that in their foolishness, how close they had come to exposing themselves.

_And be careful, I don't want us to be outside this circle more than it is necessary..._

His words resounded in her ears.

"I am sorry..." She whispered, still not letting him go, her face was buried in his shoulder and her heart was beating loudly. All she could think was that had she fallen out of the circle, the commotion definitely would have attracted the enemy's attention.

He sighed loudly in her hairs. "Don't be..." He finally let her go and they created a little space between them.

For few moments they waited for any sign, if they had been heard or had she been seen, but when no surprising wand sparks or shouts came, they decided that they were safe.

"I reckon I should sleep. Sleep deprivation makes me careless." He said with a small smile handing her the binocular. "Wake me up if you need me." He patted her arm and walked away.

She sighed in relief as her heart slowed down to a normal pace.

She squatted shakily on the ground where Remus had been earlier. Now that he wasn't here, it seemed strangely still. Or maybe _because_ he had been here that it hadn't seemed strangely still? After all forests were supposed to be strangely still. She shook her head to perish her confusing thought of line and silently began her vigil all alone.

* * *

_A/N: PablosGirl, leilalolalee, adamantfire Thank you so much for the reviews. They made my day and lifted my spirit when I was starting to doubt this story. I am so glad that you are liking it and it has encouraged me so much. Please keep reviewing :)_


	8. Hopeless wanderer

_Once again, I do not own Harry Potter and I would like to thank **Yoshishisha** for the beta work. _

_Hope you enjoy the chapter :)_

* * *

Remus woke up from a peaceful slumber. Brushing sleep out of his eyes he wondered for a fleeting moment as to why he wasn't in his pajamas, but instead in his trousers and shirt, when he took in his surroundings.

_Right_, he was in a tent, on a mission for the Order in Essex. With Tonks. With a start he looked at his watch, which he had unfastened beside his pillow and groaned in annoyance.

He had slept for about four hours and he had promised himself only two hours. But then, if only people could wake up by mere promises, the need to invent alarms wouldn't have arisen. He looked at his watch wistfully. It was his father's and it was so ancient it didn't even have an alarm function.

He remembered though, that when he had been a child, his mother had told him that if he wanted to wake up on time, he would just have to tell his pillow so, before sleeping.

And as a child he had developed this habit. Before going to sleep, he would request his pillow to wake him up on a particular time. But somewhere between becoming a werewolf and growing up, he had given up on this practice.

He shook his head as his mind filled with visions of his beautiful late mother. Not a day ever passed that he didn't remember her. She, just like her name, was a ray of hope in his life, which had extinguished years ago.

He shook out the final vestiges of sleep from his eyes as he washed up quickly. He reached the mouth of the tent and took a moment to observe the scene.

Tonks sat facing away from the tent, at the same place where he had been earlier: resting her chin on her raised knees, hugging them, to maybe save herself from the cold. Temperature had gone down various degrees.

Remus folded his arms across his chest, leaning a bit, taking advantage of his position where he went unnoticed by her. Half of her face was visible and every now and then, a lock of hair that had escaped her braid would flow in the direction of the breeze, barely grazing her cheeks. Flickering bluebells shadows danced on her face, making her look like an angel in dark. She looked like… like _hope_. Not Hope, as in his mother, but hope as in 'light at the end of the tunnel', as in a 'promised land'.

_Oh, how he longed for her no one would ever know…_

It had felt nice to fall back into companionship with her, had felt even nicer to see that she still cared, even if on a small level, that the full moon has just passed and he must not be feeling well. It was so easy to pretend that three years of separation didn't divide them…

In their case, he was like a voracious, starving man and she was like a feast, a glorious meal, but he wasn't even allowed to smell her, let alone taste her. He was only allowed to observe her from a distance, take pleasure from her laugh, her beauty, her kindness…

But that pleasure was always accompanied by a familiar pain, a familiar pang in his heart. Like just now- the more he watched, the more he wanted to move forward and touch her, feel her…

But those days were long gone.

He sighed and straightened himself up. She looked fairly cold and he would have brought her a blanket or a cup of hot drink, but now it was time for _her_ to sleep.

So he approached her carefully so that he didn't startle her, clearing his throat subtly.

"You let me sleep for more time than I had initially intended to." He said in place of greeting.

She looked up, a small smile gracing her lips. "Like you said sleep deprivation makes you careless, I feel it makes you unhinged." She stood up smirking at him.

He shook his head in amusement. "Anything new?" He asked, tipping his head in direction of the barn.

"Well, looks like their dealer is due today, whatever it is that they are dealing in, I am not much excited in finding out. And it appears to me that they are mostly new recruits." She finished grimly.

"Yes, it would seem so. New ones headed by Avery and Macnair." It looked to him that it was more like a task given to the new Death Eaters to prove their true worth to the so called Dark Lord.

She yawned and he brought his attention back to her. "It's your turn now, D-Tonks." He didn't know if she did not notice his slip or if she noticed yet chose to ignore it.

"Good night!"

"Good night." He replied and watched her go. Few seconds later he could hear her exclaiming-

"Bloody hell, magic never ceases to amaze me…"

_No, no you never cease to amaze me…_

* * *

Remus was glad that Dumbledore had thought to send two people on this mission, or else he wouldn't have survived the boredom. Even if Tonks was currently sleeping inside the tent, she bore the promise of company once she woke up. The temptation to peep inside the tent, to watch her sleeping form was too much but he resisted, knowing that it will only increase his cravings for her further.

As the first rays of sun hit his face, he found himself wishing for a cup of tea. And when a cup of tea was presented beneath his nose, he was sure he was hallucinating due to tiredness.

"Will you take it, or are you trying to magic it through your eyes?" Came a cheeky voice from behind him and he double checked.

"I thought I was hallucinating." He replied taking it in his hands. It was pretty cold. "Here I was yearning for a warm cup of tea and suddenly it is in front of me in blink of an eye."

She seated next to him, holding herself a cup of coffee. He tried not to eye her cup accusingly. Their tea-coffee story had to be left in past.

"I remember how... _Tea-crazed_ you get in morning." She answered him sipping her coffee.

He eyed her carefully. She looked both sleepy and fresh at the same time. Her hairs were now tied securely in a ponytail. It felt good to see that she remembered such little things about him.

But whenever he felt that she was just inches away from his grasp, he was reminded of something that showed him that she was no longer his. The cup of coffee in her hand told him so. Because once, she had shared his addiction of morning tea...

"Something new?" She asked, turning to look at him just in time as he turned away from her face. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable with all his staring.

"They are all a bunch of snoozers." He replied, taking a sip of his tea. "All I could hear was their snoring so I had to keep the extendables away."

She sniggered.

They sat there for few seconds and Remus found himself getting nostalgic. It had been so, so long, since they had witnessed a sunrise together. He remembered their countless sunrises, spent in countless manners; most spent sleeping, some spent in musings by him as he would watch shadows of sunrays through the curtain playing on her face, some spent in morning walk on her insistence, and some spent by simply lying in each other arms, slipping in and out of sleep.

He dared a glance over Tonks to see if it was affecting her, but she looked normal enough. He sighed internally, trying to ignore the dull ache. She would never know how many efforts it took to control him.

An image of one of the similar mornings came unbidden to his mind...

_They sat on a small bench in the balcony she loved so much, watching the first rays of sun bathing the city. Her head rested on his shoulder, them both holding a cup of tea made by him. Times like these spent in quiet and peace with the love of his life, made him appreciate his life despite being a werewolf. He felt less like an animal in moments such as these._

_"You are my Sun, Remus." Dora whispered as she picked up her legs and curled into him._

_"You stole my line." He kissed her head which matched the pink in the sky._

_He breathed her in along with the fresh air. What surprised him was that this time he was able to recognize the barest of change in her smell._

_She had started to smell like him._

"Your tea is getting cold." Her voice broke his reverie.

He took a deep breath to calm himself.

She didn't smell like him anymore.

"Can I..." He started without thinking and then hesitated, wondering if it was the right thing to ask.

"What?" She peered at him through her fringe.

"Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to." He added hastily in the end. He hoped he wasn't digging up a hole for himself.

"Usually when people use that line on me, they ask something which offends me greatly." She started and looked as if she was contemplating something. Her head was facing him, tilted sideways and she looked downwards in thought. That was her posture of thinking. "But I trust you to be respectful enough."

He looked at her, surprised a little at the faith she put in him. Her expectations made him extra nervous.

"How- what- what have you been doing? Before the Order." He repeated the questions ten times in his head wondering if he had framed it right.

She barely reacted but had that contemplative look again.

What he wanted to know was what and how she did after he left back then. But he knew that even if he were to ask her directly, she would never ever answer that question. But he would gladly accept any answer she would give.

"Well, you know, I have been an Auror for a year." She said and it didn't escape his notice how she completely skipped her training part. "I joined the day Mad-eye retired and he joked, _joked_ that in the coming sixty years I would be the new Mad-eye of the Auror department." She smiled at the memory.

"It's pretty symbolic." He commented quietly and her eyes flicked to his. "You joining the department on the same day he left. He adores you."

"Yeah..." Her eyes softened. "He... He did things for me, Remus that no ordinary mentor would have done. He was assigned my incharge, my boss in a way for those three years but he made himself my mentor, in _real_ terms. He had been guiding me for years and I owe him a lot. What I am today and I am not talking about just being an Auror, but the way I am, the human being I am today, a lot of credit goes to him." She spoke so passionately about him that he felt as if she wasn't telling him something, as if there was more to the story.

"I have seen him with his real eye and his nose intact. When I first saw him it gave me a real scare and I refused to believe when they told me that he was Alastor Moody."

She chuckled. "Anyways, I mostly did small cases in the beginning; they assigned me to big events security and as such. But slowly I was made part of few bigger projects. And yes, I made a friend; a very dear friend during my Auror training. Her name is Amy, the only female Auror beside me."

"Really?" He was genuinely surprised to know that she had made a real friend, as she always had difficulty connecting with people. "And by the way I noticed that Hestia and Ginny too have become your friend."

She let out a puff of air from her mouth, cupping back of her neck and letting it fall on her raised knee. "The Order has given me so much in just a month. I feel I truly do belong here even if I fit nowhere else."

"Yes... A bunch of odd people we are."

He looked over to her and gave her a quick smile. Whenever she was near him, he found it impossible to stare into her eyes for longer period. May be it was because of his guilty conscience or maybe because he feared that if he stared down those eyes, if he read all the pain and stories hidden in those eyes, he'd never be able to look away again...

They talked for a while and it was delightful to be comfortable around her. But sure it would have felt nicer if only her head would have been on his shoulder or if he could have kissed her...

He decided to ignore the thoughts but not banish them entirely because he knew it was futile. Instead he concentrated on talking to her so that maybe, just maybe the void three years had created in his heart would lessen a bit.

She never did asked what he did in those three years. And he was glad she didn't.

* * *

The whole afternoon passed quietly under a Sun shield charm. There was no activity within the barn but whenever a Death Eater would come out for a stroll or for a lookout they would watch with their bated breaths. Not because they were scared but because if only someone would decide to walk in the direction of their circle, they would be stopped by an invisible magical wall and that would be a dead giveaway that there was someone watching them. But the Death Eaters were so lazy and over confident that they wouldn't even move more than four step forward. Tonks was beginning to doubt that it was only a barn from outside; inside it must be pretty cozy. Remus couldn't disagree. Even in the last war, the Death Eaters had safe houses all over the country packed with all necessities and things of comfort.

Therefore to pass the time, all they did was to talk and eat the food Molly had sent. Tonks even said to him that she would have enjoyed this mission more only if their movement wasn't limited by the circle.

It started getting dark earlier than it would have got in London. And they anticipated that whatever would happen would have to happen today itself.

Finally when they had had their evening snacks (seeing as they had nothing too exciting to do, they had taken it upon themselves to finish everything Molly had sent them- and it was pretty much. Why waste food after all?), they heard apparition cracks far away.

Tonks immediately stood. "Judging by the sound of their apparition, they are two in number-"

"-and they could be coming from any direction as they probably don't know the exact location of the barn." He stood up too, wand in hand.

"Yes, I'll be this side and you take that side, so if need be we could divert them from our path."

"Right."He took the side facing the barn while she took the one opposite to the barn.

He waited for them to arrive, his eyes and posture alert. Finally he saw them and they were approaching from Tonks's side. She had noticed them too and her wand was raised, to confound them the moment they came too near to their magical sphere.

One of them was dressed in a brown cloak, wearing an eye patch, bald head and with an aura of arrogance around him. The man next to him looked younger and thinner; but what was obviously noticeable was that he was carrying a very huge wooden box with the help of magic. Whatever they were dealing in, it had to be in this box.

And they had apparently decided that going through the circle (which they couldn't see) was the best path to reach their destination. He approached Tonks, wanting to tell her to perform the _cunfundus charm_ immediately and not to wait more as there wasn't a place to take risk. Finally when they were just two steps away from her and the sphere Tonks whispered two '_confundo_'.

A puzzled and hazy look covered the faces of those men but the _cunfundus_ _charm_ apparently interfered with the thin man's levitation charm which resulted in him dropping the box.

Tonks gasped and Remus's breath hitched in his throat as, in slow motion, the box toppled down from its position. The cunfundus charm had worked yes, but if the box were to collide with the sphere it would bounce back and would give them away anyway; after all cunfundus was for humans not for inanimate objects.

But they were as lucky as if they had had Felix Felicis. As Remus neared Tonks, he saw the box had fallen inches beyond their boundary. A cold sweat had broken on her forehead. Also, they were just so near to them, just at an arm's length...

"Can't you bloody do one thing correctly, you little piece of shit." The eye-patched man spat at his 'subordinate' as he slowly turned red with anger. "Do you know how fucking important that is? Are you intending for us to get killed. Pick it up!"

"Ye-yes boss. S-Sorry boss." The thinner man looked fearful and his hands shook as he performed the levitation charm and Remus once again feared he would drop the box. But they carried out without any further incident.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked Tonks after they had disappeared from the view.

She looked pretty shaken. "Apart from the mini heart attack I had when he dropped that damned box, I am fine. It was foolish of me to wait to see where they were going up until the last moment."

"No, it's alright. It worked out fine and that's what matters. Come on let's see what all this fuss is exactly about."

They took their position again, him with the binoculars and she with the extendable ears, trying to figure out as much as they could.

After a few minutes however, Tonks grew frustrated.

"They won't even say what it is. All they are discussing is the prices and if they had been seen. What is it? Explosives, muggle weapons or what?!"

Remus removed his binoculars and replied grimly:

"Neither. It's some... Living being."

"What?"

"I just saw the box rattling."

"Shit. That's-"

"-unexpected, yeah."

"Do you think whatever they have in there- is- is human?" She hesitated.

"I doubt it. It's probably something which couldn't be controlled by a simple stupefy or petrifying spell."

"Or something which they need alive."

"I have a feeling." He turned to look at her. "It's some dangerous being or beast or dark creature."

Her eyebrows rose in amazement. "As in kappa or something?"

"Something much more dangerous-"

"-and sinister." She finished. "Why would they need it but?"

"New ways to torture? Or to threaten people with?"

She sighed in weariness. "As much as magic and magical world is fascinating, it's equally dangerous. The _meaning_ and the _scope_ of what they have right now, is vast and unknown. It is necessary for us to figure it out. And the reason that man there got so angry when the box fell was because he was afraid to expose the items of the box and I thought he was talking about Death Eaters killing him."

He sighed. "I'll get back to watching; maybe they will open the box to check its contents?"

"Alright." She dropped her extendable. "I am going to have some water; all this madness has made me thirsty."

"The water bottle is beside the tent." He told her, going back to his spying.

"Okay!" Came her voice from behind.

Later, when he would look back to this moment, he would forever regret telling her where the water bottle had been.

The blood curdling scream he heard, froze the blood in his veins. He had never ever heard a sound that had terrified him so much.

Heart thudding violently in his chest, he threw his binoculars away turning to look at her, wand at the ready.

What he saw made him nauseous. It was as if time had stopped and everything was reeling in slow motion. He saw Tonks stumbling to the ground, her face crumbled in sheer agony and a serpentine creature of black and orange, boring its fang in her arm.

He had taken few steps forward already but he didn't wait to come near her completely and fired his spell right away from the distance. He had never been a proud person, but he knew, later in time he would forever be grateful for his ability to aim directly at moving objects.

He pointed his wand directly at the right head of the Runespoor and shouted: "REDUCTO!"

The creature blasted into tiny pieces and Remus didn't care if anyone had seen the little pieces of orange and black flying in the air. All his mind and heart knew and screamed was _Dora Dora Dora..._

The four steps he ran to her felt to him as the longest race of his life.

He caught her in his arms just before she hit the ground.

"No, no, no, no..." He didn't know what words were coming out from his mouth. All he could see was that her face was devoid of all the color, her mouth foaming and tiny drops of blood seeping out of her nostrils. "No, Dora _please_ _no_..."

His hands shook as he continuously and rigorously patted her cheek. "Wake up, wake up..." sheer desperation seeped into his voice; her every moan and whimper threatened to eat him.

He looked around madly as if expecting a hospital to pop out magically or expecting to find Madam Pomfrey running to them. There was no one to help; they were right in the middle of a jungle. Merlin he had been such a fool; the sphere obviously warded off only humans, why hadn't he thought to ward it off against animals too?

At that time his brain was divided into two parts- one part of his brain was shrinking in sheer panic telling him that Runespoor bite was deadly, that all was over now while another part screamed him to do something quickly before it was too late. Before she died...

"NO!" He screamed unable to bear the thought, unable to see her twitching in pain.

Thinking quickly he aimed his wand at her arm. Never in his life had his wand shook so violently. He saw a hole where that creature had bit her and immediately white strips of cloth flew out of his wand, tying themselves tightly on her arm a little above the wound. This would prevent the poison from spreading to rest of the body momentarily. Basic first aid yes, he had learned that.

He then concentrated on her face. She was sliding in and out of consciousness, and the foam out of her mouth and blood out of her nostrils scared him out of his wits. He gently placed her head his in lap, and wiped her face with his sleeve.

Her eyes were sliding close and open, and he knew she wasn't seeing anything. He cupped her face and bent down.

"Dora, please love, _please don't sleep_, please don't black out, I know you want to sleep but please fight it love, _please_..." He begged her as a tear finally dropped from his eye and fell on her forehead. If she fell asleep now, she would never wake up.

_What to do, what to do... Help me god, help me somebody, anybody, please save her, please let her live..._

"Dora!" He shook her head violently when she didn't respond to his words. "You can't sleep, did you hear me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Her only answer was a hiccup and a moan as fluids further flowed from her.

"Look at me, look at me." He pleaded and bent down further. Only, _if only_ she would hear a part of his voice…

Then a miracle happened, her unseeing eyes came into focus and flickered to his eyes which he knew by know were swimming with tears. The light behind her eyes was dim but it was there nevertheless.

"Dora, Precious please stay with me... I need you to be strong, while I help you... Precious, my little fighter, you can do it, fight for your life, fight for me sweetheart please..." he spoke to her mindlessly, while the working part of his brain thought of some plan of action. She gave him a barely perceptible blink, indicating that somewhere deep down, she could hear him, that she was fighting...

_Don't forget the medical kit..._

Bill Weasley's statement resounded in his ears and he felt as if a ray of hope had been lit up in his heart. Thinking about his mother, asking her silently to help his son from where ever she was, he raised his wand.

"Accio medical kit, _Accio_ _ACCIO!_" He shouted in despair when it didn't come out after a second. Finally when it came, he thought he had never been happier to see a medical kit.

When his shaking hands couldn't do the simple task of even opening the lid, he used his wand, and frantically searched for what he was looking for.

When they had been cleaning Grimmauld Place, they had found out an extensive and expensive stash of potion kits and ingredients. Alastor had it checked by Snape, and they had thrown out all the expired material, keeping in the rest to use in necessity. When Remus had been packing the kit, his hands had unwittingly picked up a bezoar stone, as if they had known that he'd need it today.

"Open your mouth love..." He whispered gently to her, caressing her hairs with one hand and trying to tip her mouth open with the other. Stuffing this big stone in the mouth of someone who was barely conscious, looked cruel, but it was a necessity.

When the stone lodged in between her throat and she started choking, he couldn't help as a strangled plea escaped his mouth. He encircled her shoulder and picked her up a little to aid her in swallowing the stone. Somehow, after few moments, the stone successfully slid down her throat.

He further picked her up, supporting her upper body and crushing her to his chest sideways, her head on his shoulder, rubbing her back, trying to stop her writhing and willing the stone to do his work.

"It'll be okay, it's going to be okay... Precious it's going to be okay..." He kissed her head and sniffed, telling himself to keep his calm and cool. It wouldn't help her if he lost control now.

He felt her taking shallow breaths against his neck. Alarmed, he drew a little away to look at her.

Thankfully the bleeding had stopped from her nose but she now looked green. Sensing, he supported her and immediately she threw up on the ground, retching violently.

He drew a little breath of relief in when she didn't vomit the stone and he hoped the stone was working its magic on the poison.

When she was done, he slumped her against his body and vanished the mess with a flick of his wand. Conjuring a handkerchief, he tenderly wiped her face.

"How are you feeling?" He had never heard his own voice sounding so petrified and weak.

Apparently she wasn't well enough to answer yet as she gave a moan so low, he wouldn't have heard it had his ear not been close to her face.

He kissed the top of her head to ensure himself that she was indeed out of danger now, forgetting for few moments that he wasn't supposed to touch her like that anymore.

Taking a deep breath, he reached for the kit again, taking out a tiny bottle of blue liquid. Opening it, he tenderly picked up her arm dropping exactly three drops on the wound.

She cried out in pain and he winced, causing him to hold her more securely in reflex as if to protect her from the pain.

"I'm sorry... It'll help you Dora I promise."

She buried her face in his shoulders and he felt his shirt getting wetter with her tears. He knew she was at her weakest and felt most vulnerable or else she wouldn't have shown such weakness in front of him of all people.

He started in disgust and horror, as charcoal black liquid poured out of her wound and felt her skin getting warmer as the poison finally left her body.

_Thank god… thank you god…_

When the liquid stopped oozing out, he gently wiped her arm and applied Dittany to close it, hoping that his medical attentions and steps wouldn't degrade her health further. Truth was he wanted to take her to an experienced healer; but obviously he couldn't directly apparate to Madam Pomfrey and carrying her all the way from Hogwarts gate to the infirmary would have taken time he wasn't sure she had. Similarly, he couldn't apparate directly inside St Mungo's either. He would have apparated her to the headquarters but he knew there was no meeting today; neither Snape nor Hestia would have been there. Him being a DADA teacher, he had some experience though.

"How are you feeling?" He tried again, almost dying inside to hear a single word from her or anything other than those moans and whimpers of pain.

She just shook her head once and he felt her body loosening as if she had no energy left. She went completely limp and he would have thought she had blacked out if he couldn't feel her whimpering.

He caressed her back, cupping her head with his hand and supporting it on his shoulder. "I am here. You are safe. I wouldn't let anything harm you... I am sorry." He kept mumbling mindlessly to assure her of his presence as well as to avoid the otherwise ringing silence.

After ages she croaked out weakly in his shirt: "W...ter..."

_Water…_

He conjured up the required item so fast that even he was dimly amazed of his speed. But even drinking water didn't seem such an easy task as she coughed and spluttered some out and winced while swallowing. Finally, when water flowed through her throat easily she closed her eyes at little contentment.

He dried her clothes wherever the water had fallen and wiped her face again.

Palming her cheek and supporting her back with his other arm, he brought her face closer to him. "Can you hear me Dora?"

_Please say something…_

She slowly opened her eyes and just looked at him.

"Dora?"

"T..i..red."

Tired, she was tired. After the Runespoor bite was cured, the victim grew abnormally tired and sometimes delirious too.

Laying her head back on his shoulder, he hugged her to him and kissed her forehead. "I understand precious. But you are going to be fine."

"Tired... M tired." She repeated again but this time she spoke clearly though still very weakly.

"Sleep Dora. You are safe now, you can sleep. When you'll wake up, you'll be fine."

Her fingers that lay on ground, twitched. He tenderly cradled them in his hand and brought them to his lips. "What love?"

"Last time... I asleep... You... Left me..." Though she had spoken very quietly he felt as if someone had shouted those horrible words in his ears. He squeezed his eyes shut and placed his forehead on crown of her head. He took in a shuddering breath.

He swallowed numerous times to croak past the lump in his throat. "I won't this time... I won't... I am sorry Precious, _so sorry..._"

"Precious..." She repeated as if in a daze.

"Yes, precious, my Precious..." he whispered in her ear.

After few moments of silence she spoke up suddenly:

"Blue curtains are better..." She mumbled and he realized that she was getting feverish and was probably hallucinating. But the blue curtains she was talking about were a reality of their past. When she had been moving in her new flat, he had argued that pink curtains would complement her better while she had gone with the blue because it had been his favorite color. But what she had never known was that she had been the color in his life.

"Yes, yes blue curtains are better..."

"Allison has invited us..."

"Yes next week I know Dora, don't you worry, just sleep. Trust me and sleep you'll feel better." Allison was her muggle cousin and one of the rare people who had known about their relationship.

"Hmm..."

For moments when she didn't said anything neither about her pain nor about past memories, he thought she had finally fallen asleep. Then suddenly she gripped his hand tightly.

"What-" He ducked his head to look at her face and she stared at him with a completely unguarded and vulnerable expression.

"Remus..." Her words didn't bear complete clarity, yet he could understand what she was saying. "Do- do you still love me?"

Her saying still meant that she was back in her present, yet he knew she wasn't completely aware of what she was asking. Because the Tonks he knew now, would never have asked that question.

He caressed her cheekbone and sadly contemplated his options. She had almost died and a probability was that she wouldn't even remember his answer when she woke up. But then there was also a chance that she would remember. Uncaring of what would happen the next day, he spoke:

"Of course I do." He gave her a sad chuckle. "How can I not? I love you Dora, I always have…" He sighed and clutched her closer. "Seeing you falling moments ago, almost killed me. And it has killed me; every second I have spent in those three years apart from you killed me. I am going to make this right." He said it all, all the while looking in to her eyes and true to his expectations, he wasn't able to look away from them.

"You talk too much..." She whispered and pouted. He gave a weak smile and placed his forehead on hers.

"That I do..."

She wriggled her fingers again as if wanting to touch him. He guided her palm to his cheek.

"You are my Sun." Her words froze him. He didn't know if she was in present or had drifted to her past again. But he hoped _oh _how desperately he hoped that she had meant for present.

"You stole my line." He said simply. "Sleep."

This time when she closed her eyes, she fell asleep in seconds.

He knew what he had to do when she woke up. He was going to tell her he loved her, _again_. He was going to explain her, he would make her understand his reasons of leaving, and he was going to beg her for forgiveness. He was going to plead to her to give him another chance. He wanted to be back in her life and he wanted her back in his and not just as friends, but as more than that.

He was going to make this right.

He guided her face so that he could look at her. He stared at her for a long time, realizing how close he had come to losing her.

He stroked her cheek with his thumb and bent down to place a sweet, lingering kiss on her lips. Even if she was asleep, even if she obviously didn't kiss him back, he felt alive in ways like he hadn't in years.

Yes, he was going to make everything right.

* * *

_As soon as they entered the living room, he turned her around and embraced her. He kissed her as if he hadn't seen her in ages. His hands roamed all over her body though still skipping the places she really wanted him to touch. He was such a gentleman. She shrugged off her coat and it fell to the ground at their feet. She felt the texture of his hairs with her hands and pulled his mouth closer to deepen the kiss._

_But of course, her being her, she pulled him a little too forcefully, causing her to stumble and taking him along with her. Thankfully they landed on the new soft cushiony sofa next to them._

_"Clumsy, clumsy. You trip so strategically my dear." He teased and his hot breath grazed her jaw as he proceeded with kissing her neck softly._

_"Mmm... Be thankful to my clumsy nature Lupin that you are currently on top of me, or else you wouldn't be that lucky..." She teased him back._

_He surfaced for air and pinched her nose. "Cheeky little bird... God look at you..."_

_He looked at her in such awe as if he had found a diamond amidst a coal mine._

_"Look at me what? I need a mirror for that."_

_"Oh you don't… trust me, I'll tell you that..." He shifted so that they lay comfortably though he still had half of his weight on her, yet it wasn't suffocating. "Your red lipstick is all smudged-"_

_"I must look like a right monkey if my lipstick is all smudged." She raised her eyebrows. Normally she would have been mortified that her makeup had been ruined but in front of Remus, somehow it never really mattered._

_"-if only you'd let me finish. And yes, smudged lipstick on any other woman might make her look like a monkey but in your case- I mean the __knowledge__ that I have smudged that lipstick makes you all the more kissable and makes it almost __impossible__ to not to kiss you." As soon as he finished speaking he bent to join their lips again._

_"That's why I wear edible lipstick whenever I do." She mumbled into his lips._

_"Oh so that's for my benefit." He pulled away and trailed his thumb on her lower lip. She didn't know if he was smudging it further or correcting it. "And by the way, you looked ravishing today..."_

_They had been invited by her muggle cousin Allison and her husband to dinner. And since she was a muggle Remus had felt more comfortable around them as they didn't need to know about his status as a werewolf._

_"You already told me that." She said fingering his top button. She wore a red shirt kind of top which had only three buttons and was like a normal top rest way and black pencil skirt. Normal clothes for muggles._

_He mirrored her actions and started fiddling with her own button. He looked carefully at the button and then at her. His eyes held a hesitant yet eager question. But he chose to bend and kiss her lips, trailing his lips slowly on her jaw towards her neck._

_As she pulled out his shirt from his trousers to feel his skin, she felt his hand gently pulling out her own top and creeping inside to touch her inside._

_She gasped in his mouth both with surprise and pleasure. This was the farthest he had gone so far. And it was funny sometimes that in some aspects of their relationships they had gone so fast while in some they were super slow._

_Thinking that he was following her lead, she popped open his first button._

_And true to her expectations he did the same._

_She chuckled. "Very smooth Remus, very smooth. Say so if you..." She trailed off, not knowing what she was asking for. She felt the weight of her own thoughts settle on her heart and she could feel herself blush._

_"I- just... I mean are you really ready?"_

_She looked up from his button to his eyes and back to his button again. His hand on her waist that was warming her was very distracting and now to add to her further distraction she could see some skin of his chest._

_"All my life I have known that I'll do this someday but... As things were going I never really expected to do this with somebody I love, somebody who would accept me the way I am without expecting me to change physically or personality wise. So... In short, yes I am ready..." She barely whispered the few last words, not daring to look in his eyes, her heart thudding in her chest._

_He shifted his weight on his elbow and pulled her chin up._

_"Yes, I want you. I want you just the way you are." He held so much love in his soulful eyes that she felt a lump forming in her throat. She leaned up, opening her mouth a little, inviting him to kiss her._

_This time when he kissed, he didn't wait for her to lead. He popped open the rest two buttons and slid his hand inside through the space he had created. Feeling his warm and a bit roughened hand on her skin made goose bumps rise on her body._

_He took her hands and guided them to his own shirt button._

_When she finally shrugged his shirt out of his shoulders, he paused, letting it fall completely._

_"I am sorry about the scars... I understand they aren't much of a turn on..." he tried to speak casually, but she knew it mattered to him, but she also knew that he knew that such trivial things as physicality of a person didn't bothered her, being what she herself was..._

_And anyways, she was far more excited to see him shirtless. Her hands shook as she touched and traced his scars lightly. "What are you saying? They do it just fine for me." She said breathlessly._

_He smiled and caught her lips in a scorching kiss, while his hands slowly drifted downwards to her waist, gathering her shirt from both the sides in a bunch and pulling it above her head._

_She had never felt so vulnerable and safe all at once. Her instant thought was to cover up but then she reminded herself that she wanted this, actually wanted this. She felt as if her heart had lodged in her throat and felt inexplicably shy and excited at the same time as he gazed at her with sheer adoration in his eyes._

_"I knew you were beautiful." He slowly lowered himself and they both sighed at skin to skin touch._

_"I'd rather do this...in...bedroom." She somehow said._

_"You are right."_

_He carried her to her bed and lowered her gently on the mattress. Settling on top of her, his hands crept to her back, to free her of the tiny confine._

_She closed her eyes and a sigh escaped her lips as he lowered his mouth to the newly exposed skin..._

Tonks woke up with a start, gulping all the air she could manage at once.

What the hell had that dream meant? No that hadn't been a dream, that had been a memory…

"Nymphadora?" She turned to look at the worried face of Remus Lupin.

Now that she paid attention, she remembered all at once. The Runespoor, the bite, the unbearable pain...

She was in the tent, in the lower bunk with Remus next to her. She slowly acknowledged the dull ache in her whole body and a sharp pain in her right arm.

"What happened?" She tried to sit up, and cried out in pain as pressure bore on her arm.

"Careful." He warned and helped her in sitting up propping the pillows behind her.

"The watch!" She suddenly remembered. If she was here and Remus was here who was out watching? And it was crucial as they had to know what the weapon was they were trading in. But then suddenly realization dawned upon her face.

"Runespoor..." She groaned out and looked at Remus.

"Yes..." He answered grimly. "Apparently those were the weapon. I assume that when the box fell one of them escaped, unnoticed by either of us."

"You mean to say there are more?" She asked in surprise.

"The box was too big for just one. Besides if there were few, they would have noticed the missing one."

"Which also means that they are in such a number that if one or two went missing, they probably wouldn't notice." She shook her head. The place where it had bit her had gone dark purple.

"Runespoor were known as pet for dark wizards. They did their bidding and it's no surprise that they would use them. The right head has the most venomous fangs-"

"-and the left one is the thinker and the middle head is the dreamer. Yeah I remember from my NEWTS."

"You gave me a right scare." He said softly and now that she noticed, he looked paler than usual. He brushed her hairs away from her cheek.

"I am sorry Remus, I got myself bit and-"

"Listen Tonks. You did not ask for this okay? And I know what you are going to say, but we already know what the weapon is and after you fell asleep, I went back to watch. I saw the dealers leaving and later the Death Eaters left too. I don't know if they will be coming back but we are apparating back first thing in the morning."

"But our Orders are to stay until tomorrow midnight-" Great, now she will be the cause of aborting a mission.

"I don't care. Besides, our Orders are also to be safe, and I think you need immediate medical attention."

"Do-do you think I am in danger?" She asked meekly, fearing the answer. She knew about Runespoor but not enough about their bites.

His eyes softened. "I believe I took out all the poison; but some side effects might remain which only an experienced healer would be able to tell."

"I just... Just remember so much pain..."

"I know..." he stared at her with traumatized eyes as if he had gone through ages of pain and she looked away, the sheer intensity of his eyes scared her. "Nymphadora, I-"

"How-how did you treated me?" she looked up just in time to see him furrowing his brows in confusion.

"You mean you don't remember?"

"I was too much in pain to pay attention to anything..."

"Well yes, a bezoar stone, the poison extracting potion and the Dittany."

"Merlin Remus, thanks to your brilliance that you thought to pack these things. Or else I don't know what would have happened."

"I don't know either and frankly I don't want to imagine." He said grimly, his eyes downtrodden. He then looked up staring again with that look. "Do you remember nothing? I mean once the pain subsided? Because after I applied the potion on your wound, your pain seemed to lessen." He was saying in a manner as if it was really important for him to know.

She searched her brains and answered him:

"No...no I don't remember. Should I? Did something happen?"

For a moment she thought he looked shocked, but he covered up that expression so fast she thought she must have imagined it. He rubbed his palms on his lips, thinking and then swallowed to say:

"No, no. Of course you shouldn't. I am glad you don't remember anyway. There's no benefit in remembering pain." His voice sounded constricted, as if he was choking.

"Remus, are you okay?"

"Yes." He abruptly got up from her mattress. "Here, don't forget to take this potion. And try to sleep. I'll just have a look around outside and pack for the morning. Goodnight." And then he turned away, stumbling out of the tent, leaving her behind in confusion with the potion bottle.

She shrugged and swallowed the potion and letting it work upon her body without resisting it. Her eyes started dropping as soon as she put her head on the pillow. She succumbed to sleep knowing she was safe, even amidst a jungle, even after being bitten by a Runespoor, even in a Death Eater site, with Remus guarding her.

* * *

_A/N: __There you have the eight chapter. I really felt bad for Remus in this chapter and I am afraid their sufferings are yet not over._

_And by the way, I read about Runespoor in 'Fantastic beasts and where to find them.'_

_Also, for the purpose of this story, Hesita is a healer._

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed as well as favorited and followed the story this time!:)_


	9. Alone again, naturally

_Thanks to Yoshishisha for the beta work!_

* * *

Remus had called for an Order meeting by sending a message to Sirius which was to be held that night. Hopefully, within an hour, they would be back at headquarters. It was early in the morning and Death Eaters hadn't returned so he wasn't leaving the scene with a sense of failure or unfulfillment.

Though what bothered him primarily was that Tonks was being a little languorous and thus, he wanted her to get to a healer as soon as possible. They'd had their breakfast and currently he was packing the tent, while Tonks was magically wiping out any trail or trace left behind of their presence; though it didn't escape his notice that her magic was subdued. He hoped and Merlin, he _prayed_ with every passing second that things wouldn't get any worse for her.

It all had been heart-wrenching to say the least. First the ordeal of seeing her almost lifeless, then the emotional drain of pouring out his heart to her when she had been fairly conscious and then finally taking the huge decision in that instant that would have probably mitigated all the distance between them.

From the time she had fallen asleep after being bitten until she had woken up, the hope he had felt within his heart was as inexplicable and enigmatic as if he was seeing the rising sun for the first time in ages. He had been euphoric with nervous energy and had thought about numerous things that he would say to her once she woke up, to persuade her. He had almost gotten the taste again of what it felt like to be with her. _Almost_.

He had felt truly alive for the first time in years. But that faith and hopefulness he had observed in that short duration had been completely blown away when he had realized that she didn't recall anything, _nothing_ what so ever. He had felt as if he had died all over again.

But he didn't blame her. How could he? It was only natural for her to suffer some memory loss. Yet, he had felt and was still feeling that his chance at survival had been snatched from him, again.

He sighed and barricaded away all the expectations that were now painful to even think of and the vexatious over-rationalized thoughts in a small part of his mind that was solely used for this purpose.

He stuffed the tent in his backpack and looked at her.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked when he noticed that she was breathing a bit heavily.

"Yeah just..." She paused and took a deep breath. Her hair was murky brown, and this time he knew that it wasn't so because of her desire to look muted for an Order mission. She simply didn't possess energy to morph.

When she didn't speak again, he reassured her: "It's only natural to feel some lethargy and fatigue. You will be fine."

"I just don't feel like walking for half an hour again to go back."

"You don't have to." He said, stretching his hand towards her. "It was necessary when we were coming here, but now that it is all clear we can apparate right away."

He knew she must be feeling awful when she didn't even protest once that she didn't need side-along apparition. Nor did she object when he slid off her bag from her shoulder to ease her burden. Enveloping her fragile hand in his securely, they disapparated.

The message he had sent to Sirius mentioned that he needed to fix a meeting for tonight though he neither had told the reason for the immediate meeting nor that Tonks was hurt.

One of the reasons was that he didn't want any fanfare around her, bothering and badgering her about what happened and why, which he admitted to himself would be a difficult venture as Grimmauld Place was swarming with Weasleys. That's why he had preferred this early time to apparate back hopefully when most of the inhabitants would be sleeping, if not all. He knew Sirius wouldn't be asleep; it was one of the things he had noted about him ever since he had escaped from Azkaban that he was mostly awake at dawn, no matter how much he'd had to drink the night before.

They appeared on the first step, immediately coming eye to eye with the horrid and uninviting bronze serpentine knocker. He felt Tonks twitching next to him and understood her distress. The Runespoor was going to plague her for longer than they cared to admit.

God knew, it was going to plague _him_ indefinitely.

They both grimaced as the door creaked open breaking the silence, none too willing to wake up the deranged portrait of Walburga Black.

He trailed behind Tonks, both wanting to support her by placing his hand at the small of her back, but at the same time being cautious enough to _not_ to touch her. Last night had been different but now that she was better (or at least better enough to walk on her own, albeit slowly), she wouldn't exactly approve of his assistance and might even interpret it as disrespect towards her so he kept his helping hand to himself.

Climbing up a set of stairs in semi darkness, they stopped at the door of the room that she had taken to living in while she stayed at Grimmauld and he dropped her bag on the floor.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call Hestia?" He asked again. Back when he had suggested that they should inform Hesita as well to check her wound, she had declined saying that she had night shift at the hospital and that they would see her at night in the meeting anyway. He hadn't been comfortable with the idea of delaying her medication but had accepted her decision warily.

"I am sure Remus; I am just going to take a nap."

"Sleep as much as you want, you don't have work after all. I'll inform Sirius and he'll make sure that no one knows you are here yet, that way you won't be disturbed. I'll see you at night."

She smiled weakly. "See you. Bye."

Taking one long last look at her face, he walked away. Even if he wanted to tuck her in and stay with her, he knew it wasn't his place anymore to do so. He would need to explain the situation to Sirius and he wished his old friend wouldn't interrogate him much, because saying he was exhausted (both mentally and physically) would have been an understatement.

Normally, after a mission, he would have stayed at headquarters as this was where he resided these days. Yet, today was going to be an exception. He needed to be alone. There was a lot he had to ponder about and he would attain that solace at a faraway place, at the rundown shack that had served as his dwelling for many years.

* * *

"_Runespoor_?!"

Several Order members gasped and shuddered at Remus's mention that the weapons being traded were actually Runespoors.

Dumbledore shook his head grimly while Severus Snape spoke up:

"That was only to be expected... The Dark Lord has always had... An _inclination_ towards _dark creatures_." he droned and sneered at the same time. Remus always marveled at Snape's ability to vocalize such a simple sentence in such an...artful way with as many offensive insinuations as possible in a single sentence. It didn't escape his notice how the Potion Master's eyes glittered towards him while he said _'dark creatures'_.

"If it was so _expected_, why did we plan on this mission in the first place? You should have _graced_ us with your _enlightenment_and our time would have been spared,_Severus_." Sirius snapped back, putting emphasis on right words in such a way that it immediately had its desired effects, that was, to infuriate Severus Snape.

Snape's lips curled in a leer and Remus saw many Order members sighing and rolling their eyes in exasperation in expectation of what was to follow; it was becoming a recent routine that at least fifteen minutes of the Order meetings were wasted away in their quarrel and exchange of snide comments. Normally, he would have tried to stop Sirius, but today he was just not in the mood.

But before Snape could retort another nasty comment from his manhole of a mouth, Dumbledore interrupted:

"You were to return today at midnight, any reason you had to depart early?" His eyes flicked both to Remus and Tonks as he asked this in a calm, soft voice.

"Tonks was..." He saw her cringing in anticipation of his words. "-bitten by a… wandering Runespoor."

"What?" Several Order members gasped again and perhaps it was the most _gasping_ meeting so far of the second Order. Hestia and Molly immediately strode towards Tonks just as Snape spoke up with scantily hidden wonder:

"How is she alive?" He stared at Tonks as if she wasn't a human being, but rather a subject of his potion experiments, a fine specimen for his academic scrutiny. His eyes shone malevolently and annoyance blazed in Remus's stomach. His reaction showed how little he cared for his fellow Order colleagues.

"I am fine really, Remus treated me." She stood up weakly to avoid the anxious onslaught of Molly and Hestia. Her eyes wandered to his and he thought, _'no, you are not fine'_, because Remus hadn't missed that her hair was still brown and she was still pale, an almost sickly shade of yellow. It took a huge amount of effort to stay where he was, wearing a vague expression of worry on his face, pretending that she was just another comrade of his.

"Of course you are not fine, you were bitten by-by that Runespoor, I knew something was wrong with you, just look how tired and sick you look-"

"Molly, don't fuss, I am sure she is pretty okay if she's able to stand, rest assured I will give her a complete check up." Hestia spoke up like a protective friend when she noticed how their pestering was bothering Tonks.

Molly nodded in defeat and went back to her seat.

"Remus, how did you treat her?" Hestia questioned as she pushed Tonks back into her seat.

"Yes, Lupin I am curious as well to know how you treated her." Snape's thinly veiled remark was clear to Remus. He was indicating that he wasn't skillful enough to do any such thing.

"He gave me a bezoar." Tonks said with an edge, her voice especially directed to Snape. "Stopped the poison from spreading to the rest of my body and then applied _'extrait liquide'_ to extract out the venom."

Remus could see clogs working in Snape's head as if trying to fault his actions, but apparently he was unsuccessful as no further comments came from him.

"That was very quick of you Remus." Hestia complimented him.

"I would like to personally thank you Remus for saving an Order member's life." Dumbledore's soft voice reached his ears and he looked up from the table to see others giving him approving nods and smile, with the exception of Snape.

"Yeah... He saved my life." Tonks spoke quietly, gratitude laced in her tone and, for a minute, they had eyes only for each other.

"Hestia, you may take Tonks for immediate examination seeing as there might be some lasting effects of the bite and cure shouldn't be delayed any further. I am sure Remus will fill you in later." Dumbledore said and the last line was directed solely to Tonks.

Tonks gave him one last look with a small smile and walked away with Hestia. He breathed a small sigh of relief as the looming worry of her health lifted from his shoulders. She was in good hands… She was going to be fine and hopefully make a full recovery.

* * *

"Knock on the door." Remus hissed to Sirius.

"Now I have to knock too?" He whispered back.

Remus thought they must look quite funny standing next to each other in shadows, whispering and arguing, outside a female Order member's door.

"Yes, I'll stand back."

Meeting had ended long ago and Hestia and Tonks were still locked up in Tonks' room. Remus wanted to check on her, wanted to make sure that she was faring alright, but he felt awkward in just barging in there, given their special status quo. He didn't want her to feel as if he was continuously hovering and watching over her like an eagle and as though he was trying to invade her space.

Therefore, he had dragged along an entirely disinterested and uncaring Sirius, so that he can see Tonks, under the pretense of tagging along with Sirius. That way it would appear as if it was Sirius who wanted to check on her and Remus was merely accompanying him.

"No, I won't knock." Sirius glared at him petulantly.

"How old are you exactly Black? Because it seems to me that you haven't grown at all." Remus jibed and knocked, immediately scurrying away from the door and moving behind Sirius.

"Who's it?" Came Hestia's muffled voice.

When Sirius didn't reply instantly, Remus poked him in the sides. "Will you speak up, you nincompoop?!"

"It's me! Sirius Black." Sirius glared and bellowed as if he wasn't Sirius Black but Mayor of London coming to pay visit to lowly people.

Remus rolled his eyes in exasperation. Frankly he was a bit surprised at his unsympathetic attitude.

"What are you barking for, Black?" The door opened and a waspish Hestia stepped out.

"Er... Just wanted to... See how Tonks was doing." He suddenly simpered.

"Yes, that is if your check up is complete." Remus added politely from behind.

"Yeah I am done, come in." She opened the door completely.

Entering inside, he saw for first time the room Tonks was given. It was pretty much like the other rooms of the house.

Once upon a time, he used to live with her in her room, used to share a bed even, and today, he had to ask someone else to knock the door of her room to even enter inside. This disheartening development wasn't lost on him.

He saw her sitting on the bed with crossed legs and he breathed a little sigh of relief at seeing that her hair was light pink now. She must be feeling well enough to morph.

She gave them a shaky smile.

"Tonks! How are you feeling? I was getting so worried about you." Sirius spoke and Remus would have absolutely loved to kick his behind at that very moment at the acute and abrupt change in his attitude. "Ever since Remus told me, it got me pretty worked up actually-"

"Feeling good?" Remus asked, cutting off Sirius's unnecessary ramblings.

"I am fine really, Hestia gave me few potions and now I feel perfectly okay..."

"Yeah she threw up twice-" Remus emitted a small strangled sound deep in his throat, "-but I am confident that she will recover fully." Hestia said. "There was little to do, as I said Remus' quick thinking did most of the work."

"Yes, Remus was the only one back then who was capable of _logical_ and _quick_ _thinking_ in a state of panic." Sirius replied, nodding his head as if everyone there was waiting for his approval of Remus.

It wasn't just a state of panic he had felt last night, it was a lot more than that... Overpowering and consuming dread. It was almost as if he'd had a brush with death himself.

It was a nightmare and it was going to haunt both of them, though differently.

"I am sure she would like to rest now Sirius." He said pointedly to Sirius and then looked back at the women to say: "We'll leave you to it."

"No, you don't need to leave; I mean I have slept far too much in past twenty four hours..." Tonks replied, not exactly looking happy at the prospect of sleeping again.

He resisted the urge to reach out and take her in his arm; to soothe her, calm her and to wipe out that frown off her face.

"That's necessary Tonks." Hestia said sternly in what he thought was a classic healer voice. "Besides, the potions I gave you will make you drowsy soon enough."

"She's right Tonks." Sirius started again. "You should take care of yourself, Runespoor are noxous creatures-"

"-_noxious_-" Remus said under his breath.

"-and I am just so glad that you are fine..."

Remus saw how the repetitive mention of Runespoor was getting on her nerves therefore he said:

"Let's go, Sirius. Bye, Hestia. Goodnight Tonks. If you need anything, tell us."

What he really meant was that, _if you need anything just tell me and I'll be there for you in blink of an eye_.

Both the men moved out of the room and Remus shut the door quietly.

"Night Remus." Sirius drawled as he made to go to his room. Remus brushed past him to the stairs, deliberately colliding with him and pushing him sideways.

He could hear him calling out:

"And now how old are _you_, Remus?"

* * *

Remus hurried up the stairs. Upon reaching the landing, he looked up panting to see another staircase. Grimmauld place had so many floors that he had not yet managed to reach the top most floor. Whenever he got the urge to visit the terrace, he would get demotivated by the fourth floor and would return dejectedly or would relax in the personal lounge/bar of Orion Black on the fourth floor. Apparently Mr. Black had been a very aristocratic and sophisticated drinker and the bar was the result of him being a devotee of alcohol. It was there that Sirius hid from others under the pretense of being with Buckbeak.

But this time he was determined to visit the terrace as he needed to see that how far from headquarters itself they could observe the city with the aid of magical equipments.

He had lost count and he had no idea how many flight of stairs he had climbed so far. This floor looked even more haunted and ghostly even in the dim narrow beam of daylight streaming through the dirty window. It would have been a perfect venue for shooting of any muggle horror film.

Just as he set his foot on the first step, a voice halted him.

"Remus?"

He arched his back a little to peer at the opposite landing.

"Emmeline?" He asked hesitantly.

"Oh thank goodness I met you here, I had no wish to climb this _bloo_\- I mean ponderous mountain of stairs..." she trailed off as she climbed rest of the stairs to cover the distance between them.

He tried to suppress his smile of amusement at seeing the prim and proper Emmeline swearing but then he too apparently held the same image in front of others-_stuffed shirt_ as Sirius used to call him.

"How can I help you?" He asked politely.

"I was... going to Diagon Alley you know... Flourish and Blotts... to get some books, I wondered if you'd like to come with me…"

He tried not to look shocked but he might have failed miserably.

Was Emmeline Vance really asking _him_ out?

Or was it just for the sake of convenience or company?

"Me?" He stuttered a response.

"Yes... I know how much you love books, and frankly I can do with some of your _intellectual suggestions_... regarding books... I heard you have very fine taste in them... that is of course if you are not doing anything?" She asked sweetly, _too_ sweetly.

"Er..." Yes she was definitely asking him out and it just wasn't for his 'intellectual suggestions'; he wasn't that thick. Now that he looked closely she was dressed differently. For starters, her customary shawl was missing. Not that he noticed much what one was wearing unless their name was Nymphadora Tonks.

She kept looking at him with a sweet smile which frankly was starting to freak him out a bit, waiting for his response.

Well, was he doing anything? No, not really; he never really did anything unless it was full moon. Then he was pretty busy with growing fangs and claws and getting accustomed to it the whole night only to change back to his human counterpart.

Thinking quickly, he answered, "Alright. Give me a minute."

She beamed at him.

He moved and kept his foot on the first step of the stairs when suddenly he tripped on the hem of his trousers and fell on his knees with an 'oof'

"Remus!" Emmeline exclaimed. "Are you okay?" She asked while kneeling beside him.

"Oh yes, I'll be fine, it's just a-" He tried to stand on his legs while pushing himself up with the heel of his palms. He yelped in pain as pressure bore on his newly injured ankle. "-not so minor... sprain..."

He looked at her apologetically.

"Don't worry," she said and brandished her wand, "I'll fix it in a jiffy… "

"Oh no no, simple spells won't work on _me_, you see. It might make the sprain worse." He replied while putting emphasis on word 'me' so that she would get the hint.

"Oh..." She looked disappointed. "Oh well..."

"Why don't you buy those books anyway and later I'll check them for you?"

"Well it would have been better if you could have come with me but... you are right. I'll show them to you later." She smiled. "Let me at least help you down the stairs."

"No no, I'll apparate back to my room. And you are getting late; Flourish and Blotts must be about to go on a lunch break. "

"You sure you'll be alright?" She asked. He felt she was about to touch his hairs so he sneezed, making her back away. "I'll see you at the next order meeting." She said softly and _finally_ bid him goodbye.

Sitting there like a fool on the stairs, he thought he heard a distant _'Wotcher Emmeline'._

Great!

He gingerly stood on his legs and saw a smirking Tonks entering his vision.

She leaned against the banister and looked at him cockily. "You know, I have tripped so many times that I can tell when a person is faking it."

He too leaned against the wall and crossed his arms in front of his chest to maintain some dignity. Ignoring her main question he asked instead: "What were you doing there lurking in the darkness like a boggart?" Though she was far pretty to be a boggart.

She snickered at his flustered look, "Sirius sent me here saying that on this particular floor, there's a hidden bar and that it has his father's finest scotch ale and if I would be so gracious as to fetch it for him, but my main motive was to see if he _really_ was telling the truth-"

"He told you about the bar?" He asked, genuinely surprised that Sirius had revealed his secret hideout.

"Yes well, so I reached till here but when I heard Emmeline, I thought I rather not disturb her as it seemed she had some unfinished important business with you?" She waggled her eyebrows giving a smirk and, in _that_ instant, the resemblance between her and Sirius was striking. "So, you tripped, huh? Taking a leaf out of my book?" She smiled cheekily in a way that told him that she had seen right through him.

Sighing in defeat, he uncrossed his arms. "I tried to falsely depict by tripping that I had an injured ankle but unfortunately I really did sprain my ankle and that was not what I had initially planned." He really had thought that he would fake a sprain but he ended with it anyway. "Guess tripping needs some dexterity which apparently I don't possess."

"Lying does not become you Remus Lupin." She came forward and gestured for him to lean on her. He cautiously draped his arm over her shoulder. "Let's get to that bar that Sirius claims is magnificent and the saving grace of this house and I'll patch you up there; making the sprain worse my foot..." She mumbled as they walked like a really old couple strolling in a park.

He chuckled. "It never was my strong suit."

"What were you doing all the way up anyway?"

"I wanted to see the view from terrace for surveillance purpose." He replied and realized that he had again missed the chance to reach all the way up.

They entered the lounge and she whistled lowly. "It really is disgusting! He calls this magnificent?"

The room was covered with grime, dust and spider webs, it was even difficult to breathe in there without suffocating. "Well he measures the magnificence by the amount of alcohol." He pointed behind the bar. "And... after Azkaban, color scheme and décor aren't among his top priorities…"

She sighed grimly and pointed to a stool for him to sit.

She kneeled in front of him and asked, "Why didn't Molly ever make us clean this place?"

"Oh! Sirius worked so hard to keep this place a secret; he had even warded it that's why I was surprised that he told you about it. Molly well, along with the dust and dirt, would have cleaned away the bottles too."

He unlaced his battered shoe and rolled off his sock for her to inspect. She placed his ankle on her palm, bringing it to her eye level and he shivered lightly.

"Hmm... nothing an _episkey_ can't repair." She took out her wand and he winced in anticipation.

"I haven't even touched it Remus." She huffed in amusement. "Now do you understand how I feel when I keep tripping and stumbling all the time."

"I never did like whenever you tripped." He said quietly; he knew half of her injuries were due to her clumsy nature and even if she would always get up and joke and smile about it, it did hurt.

She sobered up a little and went back to his ankle a bit timidly. "Episkey!"

"Ow!" He cried out as the ankle mended itself.

"See good as new!" She said brightly, "Now, you can give Emmeline _intellectual suggestions_ without worrying about a sprain."

He groaned. "God you heard the whole thing!" There was not a chance that she wouldn't tell Sirius about it and together they wouldn't let him hear the end of this.

She just tittered in response when she realized his predicament.

* * *

He was surrounded by book shelves, yet when he inhaled all he could smell was the dusty damp smell of the old rotten house. Smell of books, old or new, was one of his favorite smells in the world. In fact when he had accidentally inhaled amortentia during his tenure as a teacher at Hogwarts, the smell of books had been one of them. The other two were the smell of soil after rain and the fragrance of fresh lime shampoo that Dora used and still uses.

It was pretty dark and he was using his wand to search the books. None of the books were really worth reading as they mostly were full of pure blood mania, but searching for the books that were worth reading was a good past time.

"Are you sure Mum won't come here?" He heard whispered words from outside the door, which only his keen hearing could pick up.

"Don't worry, I asked Arthur to take her out, they won't be back for hours." Now _that_ voice he would recognize anywhere, having shared a dorm with the man for seven years.

"Mundungus bring it up then!" A very excited voice hollered which he immediately recognized at Bill's.

The door burst open and Remus quietly peeked from the between the bookshelves as the room filled with men of Order.

First entered Mundungus holding a medium sized cardboard box and Remus heard distinct clinks of bottles. He thought of coming out of the shadows and asking what was going on but he was afraid of startling Mundungus. Somehow, he knew, it wouldn't be appreciated.

Then came in Charlie (he had attended his first meeting this evening which was also the first meeting after the children had gone back to school), Bill, Kingsley, and Sirius.

_They were having a party!_ Or at least something resembling a party.

How come he didn't know about this? Was he considered so much of a stuffed shirt by Sirius, that he was afraid that he would disclose his plans to others, especially Molly? Hell, he didn't even do that when Harry was caught by Snape sneaking back in school from Hogsmeade even when he had been a teacher back then.

He decided to stand there and watch.

"Yes, yes keep it here in between." Sirius rubbed his palms excitedly and pointed at the table. Seeing him so enthralled at the prospect of company, Remus immediately decided to let the matter go especially since he had been so glum after Harry's departure. He returned back to his scrutiny of books.

"I hope they don't return tonight; spend the night at Burrow instead." Charlie hopped into the sofa, which let out a puff of dust.

"You know what that implies don't you?" He heard Kingsley speak with what he assumed was an amused tone.

The Weasley brothers groaned. "Please, I'd rather that my night is not spoiled before it is even started."

"Sirius, glasses?" Kingsley asked.

"Glasses?" Mundungus slurred and Remus thought that he was drunk already. He sighed internally. By midnight probably, he'd have five passed out individuals. "Why do you need glasses? Grab a effing bottl'!"

_An effing_, Remus thought absent mindedly as he picked up a book on Muggle electricity. What was a book on Muggle electricity doing in a house of Muggle haters?

"So dear brother, how come you aren't with your French bird right now?" He heard Charlie ask as in background several pops and hisses were heard from opening bottles.

"Her name's Fleur-" Bill started briskly.

"-Me self 'as fancy for French birds-" Dung piped up in between.

"Have you ever even met a French bird Mundungus?" Kingsley asked with a skeptical air.

"I am sure he means French currency and why are we referring to women as birds? Show some respect will you all?" Bill intervened with an uncomfortable edge.

"Oh come on you hypocrite! It was you who invented so many deprecatory, derogatory and-and degrading versions of word 'women' and now you are asking-" Charlie spoke taking a gulp of whatever he was drinking.

"It means he is getting serious." Sirius spoke for the first time. Anyone else hearing Sirius would think that he was feeling delighted but Remus knew better.

Back in their Marauder days, when they used to have guys-only party it was almost impossible to shut Sirius up. He used to be the life of any party or gathering. Back then, a party wasn't called a party until Sirius Black was present in it. This-this man was entirely different.

Remus sighed internally and ventured further into the bookshelves. He was surprised that none of the Order members had felt another presence in the room yet. He picked up a book with a charcoal black cover and immediately snapped it shut when he saw the title _'Most Torturous Muggle Killings Of The Century'_.

"Is it so Bill?" Remus heard kingsley inquiring.

"It's too soon, but she seems a nice girl..." He muttered evasively. "Charlie, I didn't get a chance to talk to you earlier really but are you still the only one without a girl?" He changed the topic hurriedly.

"What? Ye didn' gotta a girl? And you are a freaking dragon chaser!" Dung sounded surprised.

"Oh! I am never without a girl," Even from here Remus could hear the smirk in his voice.

"I don't remember you ever being with a girl, even at Hogwarts you were always busy in Quidditch!"

"Is that so?" Kingsley said, "You are telling me you wasted whole of your Hogwarts life in brooms and quaffles?"

Sirius guffawed. "_Brooms_ and _quaffles_? You know, Kingsley, how that sounds, don't you?"

They all snickered.

"But seriously Charlie! Why aren't you with a girl yet?" Sirius questioned.

"I told you. I am never without a girl; just I am not the settling type exactly. Yes, but if I ever get a girl who is just as passionate about dragons as me, maybe..."

"Dragons, Charlie! You know that mum is always frantic with worry about you? We never heard about you ever having a girlfriend. Fred and George even have this wicked theory-"

Charlie groaned, interrupting seemingly not interested in knowing whatever bizarre theory the twins had come up with. "What's up with the interrogation?"

"No but I'll say one thing." Kingsley spoke in smooth voice. "In ten things to do before you die, always include marriage, even if you get married when you are seventy. It's a bloody roller coaster ride."

"Dumbledore's one 'undred and fifty. 'e's unmarried."

"But he's Dumbledore." Sirius spoke and Remus detected a touch bitterness still lingering. "Besides Charlie, you remind me of my younger self. You know... Girls and tattoos… and alcohol and bikes, _dragon_ for you... But see where am I now?"

Everyone sobered up a little and the room quieted down for few seconds until Charlie spoke up again.

"I am just here for three days; guys any hot spots in the city I need to check out before I head back to my Dragons?"

"I have been back to city for only few months so I don't have much idea, Kingsley?" Bill answered back.

"Me know a strip tease club." Dung hiccupped.

"No thank you Dung." Charlie said pointedly. "Not that I am not interested in striptease but I'd rather enjoy that in private instead among lusting sweating men with their tongues lolling out…"

"There's this muggle disco called _Flaming Red_..." Kingsley spoke up after thinking.

"Oh yes of course how could I forget that? It entirely slipped out my mind! I went there with my friends few weeks ago." Bill said excitedly. "Blazing place brother, you should try it out."

"What about muggle chicks over there?" Charlie asked back cheekily.

Bill groaned. "What's wrong with you, do you ever think anything besides dragon and women?"

"And _just_ _now_ you were complaining about never seeing me with a girl-"

"I was talking about you never having a steady girlfriend-"

"-Oh come on now, I barely come to London and I have seen enough of Romanian women, thank you very much, I need a change of scenery, besides I had these hyper hopes for the Order when I got the offer to join, expecting that there would be these hot combative women fighting, but those hopes were crushed and walked upon." He trailed off and sighed dramatically.

"You are forgetting Tonks..." Kingsley commented smoothly.

Remus' neck immediately snapped up at her name. Until now the voices were merely going in the background and now they had his entire attention for real.

This time when Charlie groaned it wasn't in annoyance but as if that just by hearing her name... Remus didn't complete that thought.

Others chuckled at his reaction which he couldn't see. Slowly he made to the space between the shelves.

The table was cluttered with bottles both empty and full, while they were all sitting in a circle around it.

"Tonks is..." Charlie leaned forward as if sharing a secret, "A helluva woman... You know only if mum didn't like her that much and only if she wasn't a fellow Order member, we would have had a _gala time_..." He spoke with animated gestures of hands in a tone that made Remus oddly uncomfortable.

"Careful Charlie, she's Sirius's cousin..." Bill said snidely, looking sideways at Sirius.

"Your cousin?" He didn't look apprehensive but rather curious.

"Yeah Tonks- Andromeda Tonks- Andromeda Black- Sirius Black..." Kingsley explained shortly.

"Yeah well..." Sirius said, "-She's not my cousin but my cousin's daughter. But a very beautiful grown up daughter. I know she must have many admirers and I can't do anything about it... I mean she's pretty and all you are doing is appraising her, it is not as if it is hurting her in any way..." Sirius trailed off taking a huge gulp from his bottle and Remus felt the strangest urge to strangle him. Sirius knew about _them_ yet he didn't do anything to stop Dora's… what? A potential lover? Couldn't for once Sirius act like a possessive brother or defensive cousin warding off womanizers from his cousin?

Charlie grinned. "You are a cool man. As I was saying, I knew her from Hogwarts and Merlin... She was _hot_, and seeing her today I realized she's gotten hotter..." He smirked.

Remus felt... Weird... As if someone was snatching something from him, as if he'd had his eye on a thing for so long and suddenly another person wanted a claim on it. Of course Tonks was not a thing, she was a person, a very important and precious person and that was what made the matters complex.

"You know, she's the most popular Auror in our department..." Kingsley started, "And being clumsy has nothing to do with it... Many from the Auror and MLE department like her and from what I heard through grapevine, many are after her, though she rarely ever shows any interest..."

What had he thought? Really, just because he only saw her within these walls didn't mean that she didn't have a life outside this place, where men appreciated her and approached her. She was a young pretty woman, it was natural for men to be after her. But that didn't quell the twisting feeling in his heart. The same fear gripped him again; what if one of these days she fell for one of the guys in her department?

It wasn't jealousy; jealousy was for lovers. It was sadness, fear and anger intermingled.

"Tonksie-" Mundungus started, fully drunk and before he opened his mouth Remus knew he was going to speak garbage, "-she's a bombshell, you know when she walks, her-" he curved his palms inwardly, facing each other, "-'ips sways like this and this, this and this..."

Remus clenched his jaws and suppressed his annoyance.

"Does he mean lips or hips?" Bill questioned, peering at Dung's hand gestures.

"Definitely hips? Who has lips of that shape Bill?"

They all laughed and Remus shakily came back into the shadows. He neither could go out nor could he remain in. He sat down on the ground, leaning against the book shelves.

"Why isn't Remus with us?" He heard somebody ask.

"It's full moon in five days, I thought he needs his rest." Sirius spoke up.

Of course, full moon. It's always full moon. Full moon is the reason he can't even spend a night with his friends drinking, Sirius is right. Full moon is the reason he can't be with the woman he loves and full moon is the reason he isn't normal.

After sitting there numbly for few moments, he placed a silencing spell on himself and disapparated back to his room, having no drive left to neither overhear their conversation nor look for books.

* * *

Every part of his body ached and throbbed with pain even after a day of full moon. He was lying in his bed at the Grimmauld place like an invalid old man. He would never really be able to comprehend how his body was able to tolerate the pain every month and yet was able to heal enough to go through the same torture the next month.

He sighed and tried to sit up a bit while his body groaned in protest. At least he had a bed this time. A bed and food. Otherwise, he had lost count of how many times he had spent his nights on the floor.

He heard approaching footsteps and, after a few minutes, there was a knock. "Remus?"

"Yeah come in Sirius." A disheveled looking Sirius entered, his hair was all tangled and unkempt and he wore his usual dressing gown. "You don't have to knock, you know..."

"Yeah well, Azkaban polished my manners, there weren't doors just bars so I understood the importance of privacy..." He said in a poor attempt at humor. These days, or in fact since he had returned, all his jokes revolved around Azkaban which in retrospect weren't jokes at all. He missed his old friend and wanted him back,but he knew that wouldn't be happening any time soon.

Sirius awkwardly sat on the edge of the bed and placed a glass of water. "Er... This..." He handed him a tiny potion bottle, "-back few days ago I had a pain in my neck so I asked Tonks to buy this for me… works great, most of it was left so I thought to pass it on to you. Just mix few drops in water..."

He knew he was lying, at least the part about having a neck pain.

"Thanks." He wasted no time in uncorking it and swallowing directly from the bottle.

"Ay you are supposed to mix it in water-"

"Diluted potion won't work much for my pain, I learned it long ago."

Sirius sighed in defeat. "Where ever it is you are transforming I can always accompany you as Padfoot..." He tried again.

Remus simply shook his head again.

Sirius sighed back.

Remus sighed too and suddenly chuckled, "Look at us, sighing like aching old berks..."

"Remus... What is it? You have been down... I mean I have noticed a change, ever since you came back from that mission you have been different..." He asked hesitantly.

Remus laid back in his pillow as his pain subsided substantially. "Different how?"

"You are quieter than usual; you are often lost in your own thoughts... You look defeated..."

"I have looked defeated for as long as I can remember."

"That's not what I mean, you know it... Is it something to do with Tonks?"

Remus took a deep slow breath and let it out slowly, "It was just... Hard seeing her... Like that, almost dead." He shuddered as the memory came to him.

"But it's not just that, is it?"

"I just can't get out the image of her lying lifeless and pale out of my head, it haunts me at nights..."

"There's more to it Remus, you are not telling me..." He pressed.

"There's nothing to tell... Just let the sleeping dogs lie... Pardon the pun… not that you are sleeping now..."

"I know there's something you aren't telling me and I can guess why you are not telling-"

"-now you are just assuming-"

"-no really, I know you all think I am a nosy, useless, meddlesome person, who is unhinged and maybe I am and I also know you think that if you'll tell me something, it will be a bother but I also know you need an ear to listen to you… so if you feel the need to tell me… after all we both are unemployed and don't have much to do."

"Unemployment never bothered you." He replied instead when his heart was bursting to say things and emotions which had been buried too long.

"Everything bothers me these days. I didn't have a clean pair of pajamas yesterday and it bothered me to no end that is until I remembered that I am a wizard and I can transfigure some. I spent so long without a wand that there are times when I have to _force_ myself to remember that I can do magic."

Remus was quiet for a moment and then he spoke, "Same applies to you also, about needing an ear to listen."

"Sometimes _brother_-" Sirius spoke and immediately Remus eyes snapped to his face though his face was downcast. He clearly heard the waiver in his voice as if his throat was clogged up. Sirius swallowed visibly to continue, "I feel I have so much to say that I can cut your ear off with my babbling and sometimes… I search words… to say something and they never come… I miss James, Remus."

"I know… I miss him too..." he whispered barely.

"I'll be happy when...maybe when I am either free or maybe when I am allowed to join on missions but anyways... I know that won't happen anytime soon, but I know your problem... It's Tonks."

Remus opened his mouth, but no words came, all he did was to work his jaw a little. "You and I both know..." He finally said after pondering a bit, "-That's there is absolutely nothing that can be done by either of us in... That aspect. She's... It's a lost cause."

"But that doesn't stops you from wanting her." He spoke back with vigor.

"I- I have always wanted her, that's not the issue anymore as I said, nothing can be done..." He said quietly wishing more than ever to just lay back and sleep. Saying these things aloud made them even more real and ten times worse.

"You have wanted her yes, but now you want her back." He said in a triumphant sort of way.

When Remus simply stared at the wall, he pressed on.

"I said I have seen a change in you and I have seen you struggling around her, when she's near; like you almost want to make an advance but you are afraid... And I know when you try to fight for control, I have seen you doing it far too many times, even if it has been years, I remember it my friend. I have seen whenever she's near how your hand twitches, how you deliberately inhale in her direction to take any minute scent of hers you can, I have seen you looking at her the way James looked at Lily whenever they had a fight- like, like you just want to hold her and kiss her like there's no tomorrow, but you are too afraid of being rejected or scared of letting everything go… Yes, you have always wanted her, but you have never been so obvious. You are _anything_ but obvious. You want her back Remus, admit it. Whatever reasons you'd had when you left her have now become blurred for you…"

Remus swallowed hard few times. It was as if his breath was lodged in his throat and he neither could breathe in nor could he breathe out. He loathed to admit it but he knew every word that Sirius had said was right.

"I... Don't want to push harder, okay? I am lucky enough to be just close to her after what I did to her I just- just don't want to push harder and I am trying, I am _trying_ but it's _hard_, it's hard to remind myself each time that it's not 1991 ... Please don't make this harder." As soon as he said it, he turned on his side, facing away from him. "Switch off the lights while going out."

He felt Sirius's weight lifting off the bed as he muttered quietly, "I never switched it on in the first place."

The door clicked closed softly.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm his racing nerves. Opening his eyes, he blinked few times and saw a feeble ghost of image of Dora's face on the opposite wall. It happened far too many times, especially in the past three years. It was almost as if her image was burned on his retinas and he would see her whenever he thought about her, about their time together… She was just at an arm's length for him to touch when she would vanish suddenly, dissolving in air.

For the life of him, he still hadn't been able to figure out if their meeting again after all those years was a good thing or a bad thing.

* * *

He sat in the dining room nursing his coffee. He had a guard duty in an hour and since he was to do it alone, it would be dreadfully boring and boring meant feeling sleepy, thus the coffee.

He heard the Order members returning back to their homes after a dreadfully long meeting.

As soon as the meeting was over, he had excused himself with his cup, not that anyone paid any particular attention to him. He was intentionally avoiding Tonks and he was sure that she didn't even notice.

Three years he had struggled and had wanted nothing more than to see just a glimpse of her face. And now that she was so near on a regular basis, it was nothing short of a torture.

He cursed his life again as he took a burning sip of his coffee. Why did things have to be overly difficult for him?

"Hey Tonks!" A voice whispered in the hallway.

Right, _overly difficult_.

He wanted to avoid her but circumstances never allowed.

He wanted to be with her but circumstances, again, never allowed.

"Hestia!" She whispered back excitedly.

"Come here." The voice that he now recognized as Hestia's, requested. He heard shuffling of footsteps indicating that they were walking away from the screaming portrait. And approaching the dining room. He waited with bated breath for the women to appear but they didn't. They came near to the door though and he could make out their shadows.

What was up with his life these days anyways? Why did he keep accidentally overhearing conversations of others?

"Listen, I have some news that will just make your day and blast your mind. This Saturday, there's the opening of a new Wizarding nightclub/discotheque, and I don't know if you know, but everyone's talking about it. It's called _Spin the Sphinx_ in Torus Alley and guess what? I got the passes and you wouldn't want to miss it when you hear who is coming?"

He could hear the cheekiness and thrill in her voice when she answered back:

"Is it that handsome healer you work with and you introduced me to when I came to pick you up for lunch?"

_Handsome_.

"Who? William? Come on Tonks, he's married for god sake!"

"That does not mean that he can't be appreciated, I mean he had the best cheekbones I had ever seen and not to forget his accent and by Merlin his-"

"Oh shut it Tonks! His wife does not need any further escalation in his fan girls, she has already too many to deal with..."

"Alright them who is it; who is coming?" Tonks replied with barely concealed eagerness and in spite of it Remus smiled. Her enthusiasm was infectious. Even if he couldn't exactly see her face and she was at a distance, she was still capable of making him smile.

"Sebastian Wilson..."

"No...!" She gasped. "-No no you got to be kidding me Hestia!" He heard the awe in her voice.

"No not at all and that's just the beginning-" He could hear that she was bursting to tell whatever it was she knew.

And who was Sebastian Wilson? He thought with a lurch in his chest.

"But he's Sebastian! God I have got his poster in my living room!"

"I know, I know you are batshit crazy about the quidditch player..."

"I am coming okay? I don't care what happens but I won't miss my only chance to meet the famous Sebastian Wilson..."

"That's not it Tonks. You know who's inaugurating the club? Asher Martin..."

"Now I know you are definitely kidding! Last time I saw in the newspapers he was in Germany."

"Yes but- listen, this club's owner is Britain's richest wizard- Francis Axton, and obviously that man's got connection with celebrities and important people, no commoner can even get their hands on the passes and I got them because I once treated Axton's cousin and well you- are an _Auror_, heck you can enter the premises even without a pass, who would stop an Auror?"

_Commoners_… But Remus Lupin wasn't a commoner, was he? Commoners were normal people of the society, the normal civilians… But he didn't even have the _privilege_ of being a commoner… he was much lower than that…

"If that's the case, then the main motive of my becoming an Auror is fulfilled! Who else is coming?"

"Wouldn't you just want to know? You know who's performing there? The Weird Sisters of course!"

Tonks gasped again. "You mean Heathcote Barbary will be there? Merlin, that man is hot... I have been dying to lay my eyes on him. Hestia I love you; if these people are really going to be there then I owe you my life!" She spoke passionately and then almost whispered dreamily, "Heathcote Barbary... Asher Martin... Sebastian Wilson... Oh god I can't wait..."

"And as I have heard, Heathcote is single and keen to mingle, you never know… Think about it… _a passionate guitarist and sexy Auror_, my that sounds scandalous…"

Tonks giggled.

"And listen, it's a very important event so dress in a very posh way..."

"Posh, huh?"

"Yes and I'll leave it to figure out meaning of that on your own. Between the Order and our work, I can't wait for this..."

"Damn right... I don't know how I will sleep until the night comes..."

"Meet me at my flat then at eight pm on Saturday."

"Sure thing!"

He sat still until they had left. He got up on his trembling knees, leaving the coffee unattended which was now giving a bitter taste in his mouth. He mindlessly walked to the corner of the room to gather his bearings. He placed his clammy palm of the wall and rested his forehead beside it.

He breathed deeply to calm his fast beating heart.

Somewhere along the lines, ever since she had came back and especially ever since she had extended a hand of friendship towards him, he had been soothed in to a false sense of assurance; assurance that there was still a minute chance of them getting back together, assurance that there was still hope.

But reality had punched him in the guts and slapped him in the face, all over again. Just a girly, friendly chat between two friends had opened his eyes.

He had been aiming for the skies.

And he had fallen mid-way and now was left with a broken heart, once again.

He knocked his forehead against the wall lightly as the ringing in his ears intensified. He laughed hollowly.

A werewolf and a ministry Auror… what kind of a foolish joke was that? And he was even more foolish for having faith (no matter how small) in such a joke.

If they had been together, was there a chance that he could have accompanied his girlfriend to this event like a normal partner? Of course not.

How humiliating it would have been for her to walk arm in arm with a man whose wardrobe had barely seen anything other than second hand clothes or who had more grey in his hairs than a hundred year old? How shameful it must have been for him to see his girlfriend-all accomplished, beautiful and an important member of society- with a werewolf, with a half-human, with an animal?

She could never be his. Yes, she had loved him once, deeply but it had been a very secret relationship. Did she really deserve such a life where she would have to pretend all the time that she was single while his boyfriend/husband waited for her at home? No, that was one of the reason why he had left.

A woman like Nymphadora Tonks did not deserve a second rated lifestyle.

And how had he dared to try for such a thing?

Sirius had been right. These days, he had trouble controlling himself when she was near him. And he also knew very well that he was on the verge of breaking. Normally, he was calm and stoic person, but she had always managed to shake that calm. He knew that sooner or later he would do something very stupid, which he would regret forever; she had agreed to be friends with him, but he knew deep in his heart that he wanted more, despite knowing how that had ended last time.

And hearing it directly from her mouth, her appraisals of other men, granted they were celebrities, (celebrities which she would be meeting personally and in all truth she deserved no less than a celebrity) had only fueled his fire.

He had to stop himself, he had to stop his mouth from speaking something that he would forever regret, he had to stop his hand from reaching out for her which he knew would be slapped away in rejection, he had to stop his eyes from seeking out her face everytime, everywhere…

He just had to stop himself; he just had to stop the dam within him from breaking or else he would be blown away in the flood of emotions only to never stand back again.


	10. Crazy little thing called love

_Hello! I know it's been way, way too long since I last updated. I am so sorry! I understand that infrequent updates break the flow of the story but life has been difficult lately. So here's also a small recap for you to brush up your memory. I'll be glad if anyone of my previous readers are still reading it. _

_Now, something about the chapter. This chapter (and the next three ones for that matter) are framed in 1991. So technically they may be flashbacks but please bear in mind that they are not a part of the story but they make the story. These chapter will tell us about their relationship and what lead to the abrupt end to the said relationship. This may seem weird to you, breaking the timeline of 1995 and now continuing in 1991, but this was a style I wanted to try. Also, I have my next few chapters written so you'll have to read something for a while. I also hope that you'll review._

_Here's the recap:_

_Remus and Tonks dated back in 1991 but he left without informing Tonks of his departure, leaving her in turmoil for years. They meet again in 1995 during the first meeting of second Order. Tonks is hostile towards him initially _ (which breaks Remus) _but then makes a compromise and befriends him again so suspicion is not raised among fellow Order members and they can work without any awkwardness. Sirius knows about Remus &amp; Tonks's situation; also Emmeline harbours a little crush on Remus about which Tonks is aware._

_Remus and Tonks are sent on a mission for two days (due to meddling from Sirius and Dumbledore). Unfortunately, Tonks gets bitten by Remus. Just kidding! She's bitten by a runespoor, a three headed and poisonous snake, leaving Remus in panic and frenzy. Some quick thinking on Remus's part saves her and he eventually confesses to her (while she is semi conscious) that he had loved her all along and still loves her all the same. He vows to make things right between them. However, when Tonks wakes up she doesn't remember Remus's words and he backtracks. Again._

_Remus's mind is in all chaos as he finds it harder to remain away from Tonks, especially when he realizes how other men appreciate her. _

_Tonks agrees to attend a high class party with Hestia when she learns all her favorite celebrities will be present at the party. Remus overhears their conversation and is not happy to realize that sooner or later he'll lose Tonks completely._

_Now to the chapter._

_Thanks to **Yoshishisha** for beta and **Stars May Fall** for some valuable additions._

_At the end, Harry Potter series belongs to J K Rowling_

* * *

_Late August 1991_

"How is it looking?" Tonks gushed, almost bouncing back and forth on the balls of her feet in her excitement.

"It looks..." Remus started, searching for right words.

She deflated suddenly and sighed heavily. "Empty. I know."

"No, silly, not empty. It _looks_ new and exquisite. I especially like the contrast between the walls and curtains. I am sure once you start living in, it will look uniquely _Tonk-ish_..." Remus assured her smilingly.

"_We_, Remus, _we_. Once _we_ start living in it."

Currently Remus stood next to his pink and mauve haired girlfriend of about one month in the living room of her new flat. She had finally moved in today. Though he hadn't been there to help her in the moving process as he had promised earlier (for obvious reasons as her parents had been here and they both had agreed that Remus wasn't yet ready to meet them. Though he he'd had to do persuade her a bit on the issue), he had come over as soon as her parents had left.

Tonks had rescheduled her moving solely for him because, for the past five days, he had been sleeping on a conjured mattress in the living room of the empty flat - something that hadn't bothered him in the slightest, but had worried her to no end. _'I don't want you to be alone'_ she had said and he had refrained from replying that loneliness wasn't a new concept for him.

"Are... You sure you really want me to live here...with you?" He turned away from his scrutiny of the walls to face her, not failing to notice that the color of the walls and her hair matched. Although it was yet to be confirmed if she had matched her hair to the walls or if she had charmed the walls to match her hair.

She sighed and he sensed that she was getting more than a little agitated.

"Remus this is the _sixteenth_ time you have asked me the same question and just for our sake, I will abstain myself from replying to avoid a fight which I can practically feel bubbling in case we do continue this conversation."

"Bubbling?" He said slightly amused as he held her shoulders with his hands.

"Yeah like a potion bubbles in a cauldron if it's done right, just ready and about to boil out of said cauldron..."

He pulled her forward so that the last of her words were muffled by his jumper. "Okay well... I won't say anything that might bubble a fight between us..."

She chuckled at his statement. This only increased the lightened mood between them.

"So what do you think about the sofa?"

She pulled away and looked at the furniture mentioned with adoration. Had it not been a piece of furniture, he would have been incredibly troubled at the hankering look in her eyes. She had been going on about the sofa ever since she had seen it in on display at an antique shop and had worried herself sick thinking that it might be sold out before she could get her hands on it.

And he could see why.

The sofa was clearly the most luxurious thing he had ever seen in his life. It was a forest green color and was as big as a trundle bed. The woodwork was classic- brown and well polished, while the velvety fabric completed the majestic look. _Chef-d'oeuvre_ was the only word that came to his mind every time he saw the thing.

He knew that it must have cost a fortune. But that hadn't troubled Tonks. By now he had gathered that Andromeda and Ted were decently rich if not _filthy rich_ like most of the Blacks. Not that Tonks ever took pride in it, she rarely mentioned it, but she had let slip a few things here and there that had given him a general idea. Tonks had clearly been one of those children who got what they wanted before they even said a word about it. She had been and still was pampered by her parents but she wasn't snobbish because of it. Yet deep down he knew he had a lot to compete with.

"Are you sure it's a sofa? It's almost a bed… I am pretty sure that two hundred kids like James could be accommodated on that monstrous thing."

"Don't say a thing against the sofa Remus, I won't have it." She mock-glared at him. "Besides, there isn't much else here right now. In my bedroom there's a bed, my dressing table and a wardrobe. And I nicked some kitchen utensils from Mum. For the rest, I want to fill this place with stuff bought with my own money, but I know that will take minimum of three years."

She took hold of his hand and led him to the sofa. They sat down together and he immediately sank into the soft silky warmth. He almost felt like he would bounce back if he threw himself at it. At least he wouldn't have to sleep on a conjured mattress anymore and this was by far the most comfortable thing he had ever slept upon. However, if he was going to tell the truth, he didn't have much to compare it with as his past beds had comprised of park benches, sturdy floors, lumpy mattresses, etc.

"-and I want to buy a few pots of plants for the balcony and I have some photographs that I could decorate the shelves with-" She was still speaking while he was busy inspecting the equally soft and velvety cushions.

"-And I want to take a picture of us and I'll place it right there in the centre of the-"

"Are you sure that's wise?" He interrupted.

She huffed. "Right! My parents might see it here when they visit. In that case I am going to keep it on my bedside table. And by the way, the underside of my bed is large enough for you to hide when my parents visit..." She rolled her eyes and huffed a little more.

"Er... I am sorry for being such a difficult boy-" He felt weird in saying _boyfriend_, given his age and her age, "-companion..." He finished lamely and she burst out laughing.

"Companion is the best you can come up with?"

"No, but seriously... I am sorry that I am complicating things for you-"

"Hush up, Remus. You need time and that is fine by me. I mean…a relationship is for two and I am not going to force you in to something you don't want right now... Not _yet_ anyway..." She finished with a teasing glint in her eyes and a flirtatious smile.

"So..." He snuggled more into the sofa. "Are you staying here from now onwards?" He peered into her eyes through his fringe.

"It would seem so..."

Butterflies erupted in Remus's stomach which was a frequent occurrence these days. Though he often chided himself because he should have been way past the age of butterflies in the tummy scenario. To tell the truth, he was a little nervous. A little bit more than nervous.

He had never shared a place with a female before (his mother didn't count); a female who had come to mean a great deal to him in such a short amount of time. He keep feeling an underlying excitement and he would often find that he was grinning like a madman whenever he thought about what it would be like to wake up to her calling his name or him waking her up, preparing food for each other, seeing each other continuously.

On the other hand he felt apprehensive about things like what if she was a difficult person to live with or what if she found him a difficult person to live with. Their relationship was new and tender, and there was no denying that they had rushed into it. He would hate if anything destroyed the new found sweetness of their relationship.

"It's going to be fun."

"It's not a sport Mr. Lupin."

"Oh, but I do think that living with you is going to be nothing short of a sport."

She swatted him playfully on the arm and muttered _'git_.'

"Come here..." He said, not that she was too far away as it was. But he wanted her closer. He pulled her forward, pressing his lips to hers. She sighed into his mouth; one of her hands crept into his hair while the other stayed lightly on the nape of his neck.

He never got tired of kissing her; it was an exhilarating experience each time. Her lips and tongue worked magic while her fragile hands left a tingly trail behind them wherever they explored. His stomach swooned up and down like a roller coaster. More than anything else though, his heart soared; soared at the thought that such a beautiful and normal witch wanted a mediocre man like him.

He encircled her waist and pulled her tighter into him, leaving no distance in-between their bodies. As he did, he could feel her curves against the entire length of his body. His thumb stroked her jaw while his other hand remained buried in the depths of her hair. Beneath his fingers he could felt it grow.

He pulled away slightly, not to wander far, but to place lavish kisses on the pale expanse of her neck. She gave the barest of moans and he pulled away.

_So many places to kiss and so little time..._

He looked in to her overly bright eyes with his own (Which were heavy lidded with lust). "Your hair grew..." He whispered, running a tentative hand over her now waist length hair which was still in its combination of pink and mauve.

"I tend to lose my morph when... I am distracted enough… or too excited."

He grinned. "I make you lose your morph?"

She pressed a kiss to his jaw. "What makes you think it is you? And here I thought it was this absolutely heavenly sofa that was leading me astray..."

He chuckled and kissed her lips chastely one last time before pulling away. Immediately he wanted to pull her back and he wondered not for first time how the hell was he going to control himself around her all the time.

Probably not at all. But that thought did not scare him as much as it probably should have.

"What are we eating tonight?" He questioned.

"Each other?" She suggested, that is if it could be called a _suggestion_.

He let out a puff of amusement. "I am afraid I am not that tasty..."

She screwed her face in mock consideration. "Oh, but I beg to differ..."

She pulled him towards her and peppered his mouth with kisses.

It was only after a long _long_ time that they managed to drag themselves into the kitchen where she admitted that she was a tad reluctant to cook, as she hadn't really cooked anything in her life before. In consequence, she was afraid that she'd turn her new flat into shambles if she _did_ try. That or possibly set it on fire.

"But there must be something you can make?" He questioned as he went through the groceries that Andromeda had stuffed into the kitchen for her daughter, worried that she was going to starve herself to death.

"I can make a fool out of someone."

He raised his eyebrows sardonically.

"Uh... I know how to make... Tea..." He hid his smile behind a canister. "I know, well I have been known to assemble bread and butter together in the past... I can make pancake batter but I can't really cook it without burning it or something and... Oh yes I can boil noodles and… yeah I can chop vegetables and stuff..."

"Stuff...?"

"Yeah like my fingers..."

He winced. "Let's not take that quip about eating each other thing too seriously now… And that is actually a long list of things you can do, you know."

"Don't mock me Mr. Master Chef Lupin." She pointed a finger at him accusingly.

"I am not mocking, not really. I mean…when I lived with my parents, I barely knew what the kitchen was. It wasn't until I started living on my own, that I learned anything."

"Oh but I'm not on my own…you're with me."

"And here I thought you invited me to live with you because you loved me. Not for my cooking skills." He sighed in mock hurt.

"Ah, but I am afraid you made assumptions too quickly. You are here solely for your culinary skills. So on that note, what exactly can you cook?"

"Hmmm..." He leant up against the counter and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Looking at the ceiling in thought he started ticking off the items he knew he could make. "Ham sandwiches, sausages, fried eggs, beef casserole, black pudding, pasties, lamb chops, roast chicken, shepherd's pie, steak and kidney pie, stew..." He thought he distinctly heard her gasping in amazement and he tried to stop his mouth from twitching into a smile. "...then there's usual stuff that includes potatoes and sprouts...and your muggle dishes such as noodles, pasta, etc..."

"Etc?" She gaped at him with wide eyed wonder. "There's more?!"

"Well yes... I do know how to cook these things… not that I ever had much money to buy the ingredients to improve my cooking..."

For a moment her expression faltered and he instantly regretted bringing up his poverty but then that look of wonder was back again on her face, "But you know enough to start your own god damn restaurant!"

"Oh I did have my own food stall for a short time in muggle London..."

"Really?"

"No." He chuckled at the look of indignation that crossed on her face.

She swatted him on the arm and he winced. She already had the hands of Auror and she hit like one.

"So Mr. Master Chef Lupin what are we going to make today?"

"Well you did say you could boil noodles and chop vegetables so let's begin with that!"

They started with gathering vegetables and other ingredients on to the table. Bless Andromeda, that woman had stocked up the whole kitchen with all kinds of utilities. They sat at the small kitchen table together to chop the vegetables first. In the time that Remus had chopped up two carrots, Tonks was still on her first one. Sensing her disappointment at not being much help, he slowed down to match her careful speed.

It was so surreal for him; sitting with his girlfriend (Merlin _girlfriend_, when was the last time he had a girlfriend?) doing such a routine task as cutting vegetables and chatting amiably. Throughout his life he had craved normality, but somewhere along the line he had given up hope. Yet he was here, doing something so normal.

Once they had all the things ready, they started doing the actual cooking: and he allowed her to help more and she did so enthusiastically. Though she was a bit messy and little clumsy, (Okay a _lot_ clumsy), she did fine. When she stumbled for the third time and he caught her around the waist, he said simply:

"See? Living with you is a sport."

"It's good isn't it? Your lazy muscles will work out every time you catch me." She replied while brushing off her hands on her jeans.

After about an hour of work, they had their noodles ready.

Later when the dinner was over and dishes were cleared, Tonks stood awkwardly in the drawing room, fidgeting as she looked around as if seeing the place for first time while he unnecessarily fluffed the cushions of the sofa.

"You don't mind me expanding your sofa a bit, do you?" He asked imploringly, carefully broaching the subject of their sleeping arrangements.

"I can sleep here instead; the sofa will fit my frame without any magic." She spoke finally looking at him as she slipped out of her slippers.

"Don't you trust my expanding charms? Or do you fear that I'll spoil your precious sofa?"

She rolled her eyes and flopped down on to said precious sofa. "It's my household skills that will cause damage to this place not yours. I can guarantee that you'll figure that out in no time."

He sat down next to her and abandoned the cushions. They were already fluffy enough as it was.

"Go to sleep. I am perfectly fine. I was sleeping on that mattress before. This is way too comfortable by comparison." He spoke softly. He knew sharing a bed, even if to just sleep would be way too forward in their already overly accelerating relationship.

She sighed, not arguing. He knew no matter what she said, she would have been a tad uncomfortable as well. "I'll turn in then. Wake me up if you need something."

He urged her forward with his hand on her shoulder and placed a sweet kiss on her lips.

"Good night." He said with a giddy smile on his face. He had suddenly realized that after years alone, he _wouldn't_ be sleeping alone in a house. Even if she would be in the next room, her presence meant a lot to him.

He snuggled further into his blankets with his eyes closed as his extremely sluggish mind dimly appreciated the warmth and softness that surrounded him. It wasn't a normal occurrence after all. He might even have sighed contentedly as his ever aching muscles felt into a state of complete relaxation.

He pulled the cushion he was clutching more snugly into his chest, and bent down to bury his head into it. It was very warm and feathery and... Hairy?

Blinking sleep from his eyes, he opened them and looked down. His nose was buried in a pink mass of fluff.

Had he been eating candy floss and had fallen asleep with it?

The said candy floss moved and curled deeper into the covers, touching him in ways that woke him up faster than a bucket of icy water would have.

Looking around, his dim mind registered where he was and with whom he was. The room was flooded with light filtering from the curtains and he guessed that it was morning. Apparently, at some point, Tonks had crept in to his sleeping vicinity, sneakily since she hadn't woken him up. He smiled at the mental image of Tonks tip toeing quietly, being extra careful to not to trip, sliding the blankets slowly away from him and settling in the niche created. Surely her own bed must have been more comfortable, no matter how fond of the sofa she had been?

He closed his eyes and kissed the crown of her head affectionately, silently thanking the gods for her love and attention.

He pressed his cheek to her head, completely intending to sleep again, but frowned when he saw her shoe- clad feet dangling over the arm of the sofa. Had she meant to go somewhere?

He pulled the purple blankets slightly and looked at her face for the first time that morning. Again he was struck by a warm comprehension that it had been years, _years_ since he had seen someone else's face other than his, first thing in the morning.

She seemed completely asleep.

He leveled down to her without jostling much and for a moment just started at her.

Unaware of the serene smile playing on his face, he tickled her beneath the chin with his fingers.

He stifled a laugh when she squirmed and giggled in sleep, letting out a puff of air against his neck. Thoroughly enjoying her reaction, he tickled at the same place with a little more vigor which led to her shrieking and completely waking up.

" 's that?" She mumbled peering around her while blearily blinking her eyes.

"This." He simply said and tickled her again though this time she slapped away his hand, going back to placing her head in the crook of his arm.

"Silly immature man." She murmured into his t-shirt.

"I am immature?" He spoke up, indignation lightning on his face. "You are the one sleeping with shoes on, invading my already congested sleeping space and I am immature!"

"I went jogging." Her words were muffled as she placed her face deeper into his chest that it took him a few seconds to comprehend their meaning.

"Jogging...? You go jogging? I didn't peg you as the jogging type." He replied in surprise.

"Then clearly you are a fool!" She spoke with such conviction that he chuckled. "I am going to become an Auror, it requires good physical strength and workout. It's like a...necessity for me to run."

"I just thought that… you would be a late sleeper while I would be the early riser here. It's- what time is it- eight in the morning and I have not managed to get up yet while you have been out jogging and back. Obviously, it is the other way round from what I expected." He said while urging her upwards so that their faces were on the same level.

"I woke up at five."

"We clearly have so much to learn... about each other." That was true, over the course of more time, they would get to know everything about each other... annoying habits and all… but he just hoped (prayed really) that she would never regret living with or loving a werewolf. That was something he greatly feared: that with the passage of time she'd realize what it really meant to live with a _werewolf_.

"Hmmm... we do. You should come with me. Jogging I mean." She said while playing with the hair that on his temple.

"I- er I don't think I'll be able to keep up with you... with full moons and all..." He mumbled.

She went still for a moment and then started her movements again. "We clearly have so much to learn about each other." She repeated his earlier words. "I think you should make some tea."

He raised his eyebrows. "Aren't you bossy today?"

"Nuh uh... and pancakes too..."

"Anything else?"

"...with blueberry sauce."

"I am beginning to again question your motives of asking me to stay here."

She giggled- a girlish, sweet laugh. "Yes, I wanted a care taker and you were the most… eligible one. And I won't have to pay you anything, so..."

"Who says you will not have to pay me anything." He raised his head on his elbow, towering over her. "I demand my fees in kisses... lots of kis-"

Before he could finish the sentence, she had pulled his head forward and joined his lips with hers in a lingering kiss. "Good morning..." She whispered against his lips. "It's so good to wake up next to you."

He smiled tenderly at her, whole heartedly agreeing with her statement.

"You know... I-" He searched for words to thank her, to express his gratitude, to express how really happy such a simple thing as waking up next to her was making him and above all he wanted to thank her for being in his life. In such a short span of time, she had come to mean so much to him. But he couldn't find the right words.

So he settled on a simple thank you and hoped that she would understand what he had left unsaid.

She smiled softly, her eyes signaling him that she understood him perfectly.

* * *

_September 5, 1991_

"Remus, stop fidgeting! This is not an interview!" Tonks laughed lightly as he for the thousandth time shifted in his seat and adjusted his collar.

"I- it's just... it's been so long since I have been to... such a formal place..." He sighed as he brought his hands back to the top of the table.

"There's nothing formal about this place, it's just a normal restaurant." She assured him.

"The-the couple over there-" he gestured with his eyes to a middle-aged couple sitting adjacent to them. "-they are dressed so... traditionally. I mean everyone here is in a suit or a dress or something. Of course it's formal. Even you are dressed properly." She was wearing a simple and elegant looking blue skirt with white top and... She looked gorgeous. "I am wearing just a shirt-" _Frayed and grayed shirt_, he added in his mind.

"-and trousers. You are wearing trousers too."

"Well thank god I have my trousers on." He rolled his eyes at her comment. She chuckled.

"It's really making you uncomfortable, isn't it?" Her face fell suddenly and she continued dejectedly. "See, I knew I would mess up when you said to choose the venue for the date."

His hand immediately inched forward and caught hold of her smaller one. "No, no I am sorry for-" _for being an asshole and unappreciative git_ "-behaving like an idiot. The place is lovely, it's just people over here that are making me nervous as if I am not up to their standards."

It was true that place was lovely; it was muggle restaurant that she had selected and for that he was grateful because he still had his reservations about Dora being seen with a werewolf (even though it was not a known fact) in public. The place had dim lighting giving it a romantic aura even if he had to strain his eyes a little to read the menu. A soft melody played somewhere in the background, completing the cliché atmosphere of a candle light dinner. What he loved the most though was the way the lights casted her features into a soft relief. As if she was the muse of some artist. Her edges blurred into gentle fuzzy impressions.

"Screw their standards. You are better than- _higher_ than my standards and that's what matters." She said so seriously and earnestly that he suddenly had the strangest urge to kiss and pinch her cheeks in adoration.

"Yes... I am sorry, I didn't mean to imply that I am not enjoying this... you are with me and that's what matters most. I-I guess I am just not used to feeling like an average, normal man..." He successfully concealed his bitterness from his tone.

Lycanthropy was second nature to him now. It didn't just govern him on full moons, but it also affected his routine life. His shy and reserved nature, low self esteem, could all be credited to the fact that he was a lycanthrope. He had been werewolf for so long, that he couldn't remember what life had been like before he had been bitten. What a carefree life without countless worries could feel like.

"Thank god you are not an average, normal man. I have seen what so called normal men are like. I am more than happy the way you are." She smiled at him and softly grazed his knuckles with her thumb.

Well... the problem of his low self esteem could possibly be cured rather quickly if she kept talking about him like that. She was good for his ego...

"We can go if you want? I'll just cancel our order-"

"No." He said hastily. "I want to stay here. Besides we are celebrating your performance on your exam remember?" Today Dora had attended her written entrance Auror exam, and surprisingly for her, but not him (He knew she would do wonderfully) it had gone exceptionally well. She had been studying so extraordinarily hard for the past few days that even being in the same house he had missed her dearly and had felt as if he too was attending the exam, not just her. He had helped her revise transfiguration and DADA (Because even years later, they were still his strongest subjects). At times, when she had studied until the early hours of the morning, he had stayed up with her, making cups of coffee or hot chocolate or something for them to munch on; causing her to comment often that she had no clue what she would have done without him. Overall he was glad that her written exam was over with and her hard work had paid off, though she was still nervous about the results which would be arriving via owl on September the tenth.

She beamed. "I can't wait to become a trainee!" She squealed excitedly drawing the attention of few people to them, but he paid them no mind.

After some time, their food arrived (which was scrumptious) and they chatted happily over their now favorite dishes. She hadn't had anything for lunch due to her exam and he too had barely eaten so both of them were starving. Therefore the combination of food and his girlfriend was all he needed at that moment.

Later, the waiter cleared their table and placed the bill in front of them. But before he could even look at the paper, Tonks had snatched it away from his sight.

As she read the bill, her hand dived in her wallet.

"What do you think you are doing?" He interjected and took out his wallet as well. He wasn't going to let her pay on their first dinner date and especially when they were celebrating _her_ success. He just hoped he had enough money.

"Don't be silly, it's my treat. I need to thank you for the efforts you put in and for all your help." She said adamantly.

"Dora-" He snatched the bill and did a double take on the figures. "I-" The amount looked to be a bit too much-at least to him it did- maybe because he was poor and everything (including cheap stuff) seemed expensive to him.

"I'll contribute..." He finished lamely. The amount he had in his wallet would pay half of the bill. And though he was giving up the amount that he would normally spend in a month, he wouldn't have it other way. What sort of man would let his woman pay when it was supposed to be a dinner as a treat of her first success? He was ashamed that he was incapable of paying the whole amount as it was.

He had no proper clothes, he was uncomfortable in public places and he barely had money to pay for their food. What was Dora getting herself into?

The knowledge of _what_ she was indeed getting into by involving herself with him, was making him more miserable with each passing second of the clock.

"Remus." She prompted him to look up but he kept fumbling with his wallet as if he was expecting more money to appear by magic. "Remus, look at me."

He looked up though he had hard time looking straight into her eyes. She had guessed his predicament. Darn it.

"It's my treat." She spoke softly and clearly. "You helped me with so much; it wouldn't have been possible without you. And I am not saying that just to please you. I really mean it and before we had even came here, I had decided that I'll pay this time." She was treading so carefully, he could see her mind working furiously to say things that would not hurt his pride.

She shouldn't be doing this. She was just eighteen; she shouldn't have to think about framing her words carefully so that her impoverished, overly sensitive boyfriend wouldn't get stung.

"I am sorry... I didn't realize I ate so much." He mumbled and was aware of the blush coloring his ears.

"Remus, _no_…" She shook her head vehemently. "Don't say that. You are hurting me by saying that. Please. _Please_ don't over analyze this." She pleaded.

He sighed and smiled tersely. "Okay. Okay... but I'll... we'll have that ice cream from that ice cream stand- your favorite place in muggle London and it's on me." Outside he tried to look cheerful but inside his stomach kept twisting in knots thinking that all he could afford for his Precious was some cheap ice cream.

She grinned and leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on his lips. "I love you so much."

She paid along with a small tip for the waiter and then they walked out of the restaurant, hand in hand.

He knew she was silently berating herself for not thinking this through, though he didn't blame her, not in the slightest. He felt worse thinking that she was reprimanding herself for his inability. She tried to engage him in a mindless conversation while his arm found its now familiar place on her waist and he tried to take comfort in her kisses and touches.

That practical incident was the first blow for him.

* * *

_September 20, 1991_

Remus was on his way back home from work ( That is if it can be called work). Ever since Dora's training had started (and it had only been five days) he had been awfully glad for the longer shifts. He easily got bored without her even though they had only been together for just a few months, she was already an intricate part of his life and he couldn't remember what it was like without her.

Truthfully, his dependence on her scared him a bit.

She went off in the morning by nine and was usually back by six. He knew she felt tired after her long work days.

But she was never tired enough that she didn't cuddle with him and spend the remaining of her waking time with him.

When she wasn't there, he preferred not being at home either. One of the reasons was that the place looked really empty without her and second reason was that he had no clue what he would do if one of her friends or her family knocked on the door. How he could he explain to them who he was and what he was doing there when Tonks was clearly not at home. … And he didn't want to be mistaken as a burglar by Dora's parents.

So he would spend his free time at the store he was appointed at or at the orphanage. He always made sure that he would reach home by five thirty though so he could cook up something decent. After dinner, if she wasn't too tired they would go for a stroll or for ice cream.

As he left his thoughts, it was to find that he had reached their flat. So he quickly used his key to open the door.

He almost gave a startled yelp when he saw that Tonks was already lying on the sofa still in her uniform.

"I could have hexed you! I thought you were an intruder! "

On seeing him, Tonks bounded back from the sofa and met him halfway to greet him. "You're late." She said instead as she hugged him.

"No, you are early." He said as he pulled away and made a beeline for the kitchen. "And I haven't prepared anything yet."

She followed him and took off her outer robes. "Remus it's not your duty to cook, you can wait for me and I'll help you. At least this way I'll be able to learn a thing or two about cooking. "

When he said nothing in reply, but just smiled in dismissal, she took the kettle from his hands and put the water on to boil.

"I don't like this Remus." She started quietly. "I didn't ask you to stay here with me so that you can take care of this place or of me for that matter. I asked you because I love you and I love your company..."

"Dora. I like cooking for you. I never doubted your intentions. Cooking for you makes me happy; cooking makes me happy in general. I never really got the chance before and now I don't want to miss it."

She sighed. "You are the type of daughter my mother would have loved to have."

"I would prefer if my culinary skills are not taken as degradation in the level of my masculinity Dora." He rolled his eyes as he tapped his finger on the counter, waiting for the water to boil.

"If it's any concession..." She started, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I think you look very sexy when you cook… for me."

He chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose. "Er... how did you enter by the way?"

"I apparated of course… "

"Can anyone apparate inside?" He questioned with furrowed brows as a rather disturbing thought of Andromeda apparating into the flat while they were..._busy_...popped into his mind.

"Nope just you and I can apparate directly. Any one else is warded off, including my parents. "She added as if sensing his discomfort.

A warm feeling engulfed his stomach as he thought that Dora had not warded off the flat against him when her friends and family were.

Yet he admonished her lightly as he poured tea in to their cups. "Dora, they are your parents. I don't want you to seclude yourself from them to... hide me."

"I would have done that even if weren't for you-" She took away the small tray from his hand and made a move towards the drawing room. He trailed behind her in case she was to accidentally spill the hot tea on herself. "-I am a grown girl, I don't want them to stumble on me, when I am doing Merlin knows what." She set the tea on the table carefully. Managing to only spill a little amount on to the tray.

"I don't even want to know what you meant by that." He sighed as he finally sat down after a long tiring day. No matter how much he teased Tonks about the sofa, it was sinisterly comfortable. "Why are you early?" He asked suddenly.

She shrugged her shoulders as she took a sip of her tea, sighing contently. "Moody was off on some important Ministry mission and rest of the instructors were busy with finalizing preparations for the ball."

"Ball? What ball?" He asked in confusion. As far as he knew, no festivals were approaching.

"Crap!" She exclaimed, almost spilling her tea in process. "God I was panicked before I arrived here and can you _believe_ that you _actually_ made me forget about that... And that's a real difficult feat because it's almost impossible to distract me when I am panicky... you are really distracting Remus…" She waggled her eyebrows at him while smiling.

"Are you planning on telling me some time today about what you are going on about?" He raised his eyebrows as she snuggled into the crook of his shoulder.

"Ball as in the induction ball. Every year a ball is organized for Auror and MLE trainees... so that you know... they can meet with everyone and all... But the system over there is so disorganized Remus! The ball is the day after tomorrow and they actually had the nerve to tell us today! Imagine that... And when I objected on them being too late, all men and by all men I mean everyone because, you know, there's just one more girl beside me in the training, so- yes all the men looked at me as if I had asked them to inform us a year prior..."

He hid his amusement behind his cup of tea as she continued to prattle on, completely missing the point of why the ball had put her into a panicked state.

She did that sometimes, in fact more than he would ever admit to her. She would often start saying something on one thing and after few moments she would extremely lose the track of the actual conversation and would start talking about something entirely unrelated. Her habit was both the cause of secret amusement and exasperation in him. Once she had started telling him about how lovely his kisses were and then after five minutes somehow the conversation had ended with her talking about a bushy brown haired girl in her third year.

"Precious... "He used the name partly in adoration and partly to bring her attention back to the issue because he knew that she always paid attention when he used that nickname.

"Hmm?" She asked swinging her neck to look at him.

"Why were you panicked because of the ball?"

"Ball? Oh well... it's the day after tomorrow and I have nothing to wear... Shopping today is out of question... only tomorrow remains..."

"I am pretty sure a dress can be organized for you in a day's time Dora. Why don't you tag along with your mother to Madam Malkins?"

She made a face. "_Noo_... not my mother... She's a bit too fond of lace and anything of a cream-yellowish color. I know she'll try bully me into buying something similar... And no to Madam Malkins as well, they have robes that are way too traditional for my taste. I want to try and find something from a muggle shop."

"Lace is not that bad..." He said quietly as numerous images of her draped in just lace popped into his head. He shook his head to clear the images no matter how pleasant they were... they had been living together for more than twenty days and sometimes it got really _hard_ to control himself around her... images won't help the issue.

"And how do you know that?" She asked pointedly.

"Er... Lily's wedding gown had lace if I remember correctly… and she was a pretty bride."

"Oh..." Her face softened. "I am sure she would have looked beautiful in anything she wore... I remember her face vaguely, but I remember her being very beautiful."

He smiled. "I am sure I have their photographs somewhere... I should show you someday... especially the photographs of their wedding and numerous ones of Harry..." He got a bit lost in the thoughts of his friends. Ever since their death he had barely looked at their photographs. It was too painful. Whenever he would look at their smiling faces in the photos, all he could remember was their deathly pale faces when they were laid to rest. But he didn't want to remember them that way. And with Tonks he hoped to remember them in a happier way.

Tonks rubbed her hand soothingly on his forearm. "I would love that."

Breaking out from his reverie, he looked back at her. "So your mother helping you is out of the question then?"

She nodded her head vigorously.

"Okay... Well, you can take any of your friends or me for that matter. I can at least help you in selecting your dress." He said though he was highly doubtful if he would be able to help at all. He, like most men, was inept at the whole shopping scenario.

She beamed. "I would love that." She started fiddling with his shirt button as she continued. "We'll also need to get some dress robes for you as well, I mean if I don't have ball robes and I am a girl, I am sure you won't have anything either. You don't do you?"

"Wait-" He asked with alarm on his face. "-Why do _I_ need dress robes?"

"You'll be my date of course! We are supposed to bring someone with us so we all can mingle and all you know... Who else will I be taking other than my boyfriend?"

He withdrew slightly from her touch, his mind reeling from the sudden information. "But... I-I-how can I go Dora?" He stuttered.

"On your legs?"

"I can't go Dora! I am sorry." He blurted out, his thoughts racing through all the worse possibilities of her being seen with a werewolf.

She looked taken aback for a moment. She slowly let her hands fall down on her lap. He could see her trying to suppress her hurt and he looked away, not able to meet her eyes.

"Okay... you have got to explain that to me Remus..." She spoke slowly.

"It's not that I won't love- Damn it! I am a werewolf Dora!" He stood suddenly. This was not going to end prettily, he knew it.

"I know that Remus already..."

"Think what impression it will make if you were to march in the Ministry with a werewolf, what will they think? We are not well liked creatures Dora. And for good reason." He turned to look at her, suddenly desperate for her to understand. He couldn't go, he just _couldn't_. If her association with a werewolf was known to the world, it would destroy her career before it even began and he couldn't bear that, he just couldn't. It was one of his worst fears.

She took a deep breath to control her flaring anger, he could see it as if her every thought was written across her face. "First of all..." She started, vocalizing every word slowly. "You are not a _creature_, I know werewolves are vastly misunderstood _people_ but I won't allow other's bigoted thoughts to influence my thinking about werewolves in general. Secondly, I don't give a toss what they will think. Thirdly, you are missing out a very important fact that it is not a public knowledge that you are a werewolf. Only selected people know about it."

He admired the way she spoke her reasoning in the order of her priorities. She could have directly mentioned that no one knew about him being a werewolf but she didn't. Instead she first expressed indignation on his behalf. She defended him from himself. It was a small thing to notice but it told him a lot about her broad mindedness. It was one of the things that he cherished so much about her.

"Dora... There are people in the Ministry- my father worked at Ministry- the Greyback incident- there are people at Ministry who might know about it. It was never made public knowledge but one couldn't stop _rumors_ from spreading-"

"Wait sorry to interrupt but that incident you are talking about is twenty five years in the past. I am sure half of the people who knew about it have retired already and those who haven't won't be attending the ball. The ball is only for the Auror and MLE department-"

"Will you let me complete?" He spoke sharply.

She huffed in annoyance, but didn't say anything further.

"And now about the Auror department... the werewolf attacks are dealt with by that department… they have accesses to inside information that people like us don't even know about. And during the first war there were... there were episodes... at least some of them would know for sure that I am a werewolf." He felt distressed and exhausted. Alastor Moody obviously knew he was a werewolf though he also knew Moody couldn't care less. But as he mentioned, during the first war there had been some incidents. To summarize, Moody had to take a few Aurors in confidence to prevent them from carting Remus off to Azkaban.

Dealing with his lycanthropy was way too tiring and sometimes he just felt like giving it up all. He sat down heavily on the sofa and caught her hand in a fierce grip. "Dora, it's not a risk I am willing to take, you are just starting in your work. A work that you have dreamed about and loved all of your life. I don't want to jeopardize your chances now..."

It looked like she was struggling between either getting angry at him or hugging him. Finally though, she did nothing but sigh. "My chances will depend on my capabilities Remus, not on who I am seeing..."

She had no idea what kind of dirty politics was played inside the Ministry, hidden from the public. Capabilities and competencies were second in priority to one's background and power. He decided not to tell her that. He didn't have the heart to break the realities of the Ministry to her, not when she idolized her job so much. Moreover, it was highly unlikely she would get caught in the power play of Ministry, at least until she was _not_ associated with him.

"I don't want to sound patronizing... I know your capabilities will play an important role but... these things matter too love. I am sorry, I just don't think I should come." But what he really meant was that he was not coming with her.

She looked at him with beseeching wide eyes. Not able to bear the shine in them, he looked away. But instead of storming away in anger like he thought she would have at his answer, she threw her arms around his neck, burying her nose in his shoulder.

Taken by surprise he hugged her back as his body relaxed a little that she wasn't too angry. Well not angry enough to walk away, anyway. It was a small relief at least.

Though that relief vanished as he felt something wet on his shoulder, soaking his shirt.

"Dora...?"

"I hate it... I hate this world, I hate its people for being so blind-" She spoke ever so quietly, her voice trembling with tears or compassion, he didn't know. "-for not being able to see for the person you actually are, for thinking badly of you because of something beyond your control." She sniffed.

He closed his eyes and hugged her tighter. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he struggled to reply. He couldn't endure even a single tear in her eyes-it tore his heart. Even though he knew it was because she was miffed on his behalf. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve this game of hide and seek where she had to keep her relationship a secret. She deserved to be loved in front of the world. Calling her _'Precious'_ wasn't just for the sake of a nickname, but he really meant it when he said that. This wasn't the kind of life he wanted for her and it was just the beginning, he knew it. He had entered into the relationship without giving a serious thought about the consequences it would bring into her life.

"It's okay... I am used to it by now... besides you see me for who I am, you see beyond my lycanthropy and it means the world to me, trust me." He rubbed her back in a soothing rhythm as he spoke.

She withdrew from the embrace with a lowered head, which he immediately urged up to his face level. Seeing her tear stained cheeks broke his heart and he promptly wiped them away. "I am sorry, I am sorry for hurting you..." He said as he brushed her hairs away from her face.

"It's not your fault!" She spoke with fierceness he thought she wouldn't have possessed after shedding so many tears for him.

"It is... this is what... being with me will entail Dora."

"It's not your fault." She repeated again but this time she faltered as she looked on the edge of the tears again.

Cussing himself internally, he hurried. "Okay, okay it's not my fault I know it's the world's fault and foolishness for being so shortsighted... please don't cry Dora."

Wiping her nose on her sleeve she composed herself. "I don't think I should go to the ball."

"That's impossible! I wouldn't have it any other way, there's no chance I'll let you stay because this is important. Your first big social event as a trainee."

"I can't go alone..." She said quietly.

"Take someone... someone with you then..." He said in even quieter tone, not meeting her eyes as he rubbed her arm absent mindedly.

"And you would be okay with that?" She asked.

He shrugged in nonchalance as he traced a rip in her jeans with his eyes.

"You prat!" She swatted him hard on the bare skin of his forearm and he winced. "You are the most-conceited-insensitive-tactless-human-being-on-this-planet!" Each word was punctuated with a slap on his arm and it stung. She really hit like an Auror now.

"Okay-okay-no- listen to me- Hey!" He finally grabbed her hands and halted her assault. "I didn't mean it that way okay? I meant... don't you have a guy friend who is like a brother of sorts to you and who treats you like a sister? And whom you can take with you?"

"I don't have many friends remember? And all of my cousins are muggles! At least non-murdering ones anyway."

He sighed. This argument was getting more tiring by the minute. He wanted to apologize but knew he would be slapped on the face this time so he held his tongue. He gathered her slowly in his arms as she melted into him.

"First let's get your dress tomorrow, okay? You have got to look the best...and as for going with someone... you can go alone I mean it's not like anyone will think ill of you for going alone, if anything they'll all be surprised that such a sweet and beautiful woman like you is without a date..."

"Yes that's until they figure out that I am a klutz and that I can't be trusted near glasses or plates, food or wine, balloons or tinsels, heels or lace-"

"I get the idea." He kissed her head. "Go. Okay? You are an independent woman, you don't need someone to escort you to the ball and after all it's not like you would be coming back to an empty home... I'll be there waiting for you and we can have a dance..."

She was quiet for a moment and then muttered simply: "Hmmm..."

They did go for the shopping of her dress the next day. They had visited about three-four muggle showrooms while she kept muttering about the inconsiderate Ministry for not informing about the ball before hand. Remus rarely had any experience in the art of dress and gowns shopping- as he hardly ever had money to buy something for himself and he had hardly been in contact with any women who stuck around him enough to take him on their shopping rendezvous. Therefore, he completely relied on his basic instincts and had gone with whatever looked good on her as he had no idea of the latest trend.

There had come the next problem. Well, it wasn't exactly a problem; he had just made an issue out of nothing. He hadn't been able to decide if he wanted Tonks to look her best at the ball when he wouldn't be there as her date or if he wanted her to look plain and simple so that other men (_competition_, his inner voice prodded) wouldn't notice her much when this ball was obviously the first stepping stone for her long journey to becoming an Auror.

At the end, he had decided that honesty was the best policy and he had simply commented truthfully of what he thought of each dress she tried on, which according to Tonks was very helpful.

He had often heard from James and S- and his other friends that going shopping with women could be dreadfully boring, but he decided he had no reason to complain as he got the perfect opportunity to blatantly stare at her figure in various dresses- short or otherwise. Near the end, when he had seen her in a long beige one shoulder gown he had known immediately that it was the one. He had stared at her for one good full minute, open mouthed and had finally muttered, "You found it."

He had then proceeded to advance towards her, cupping her face and placing a kiss on her forehead. Why he had done that, _all of a sudden_, in the presence of the assistant of the shop no less, he had no clue. But seeing her there, looking absolutely breathtaking… a feeling of over protectiveness had washed over him and he had simply wanted to embrace her in his arms, and defend her from the evil world's cruelties. It was ironic because in reality, she needed protection from him, from his base and cruel beastly nature.

On the evening of the ball, though she had tried to hide it, he had known that she was disappointed. Anyone in her position would be. Who would want to attend a ball without a partner when they were very much in a relationship? He got her to finally leave by sending her off with a kiss and a promise of last dance.

When she had returned- late and that time had passed agonizingly slow for him- she had found the whole apartment's light turned off except for the various bluebell flames that Remus had conjured to give off a romantic glow. He had played on some silly cheesy soft music and had asked her for a dance in a traditional manner as soon as she had stepped inside.

She had laughed and beamed at his silliness, had been happy even but regardless of the fact that their night had ended in other's arm, the incident had left a bitter taste in his mouth.

The incident had made him realize that Dora would never be able to gloat or complain about her relationship like any normal woman; she would forever have to hide him, hide _them_ and suppress her feelings in front of the world. While in short term this arrangement was doable, in long term it was particularly faulty.

That had been the second blow.

* * *

_Please Review!_


	11. Call it magic, when I'm with you

_September 30, 1991_

They both sat side by side on the bed, leaning against the headboard and sipping their tea after breakfast- pancakes, to be more precise, made by Tonks after several attempts. He deliberately sat with some distance between them as he didn't want to scare her away with his clinginess. His insensitive behavior had already brought her to tears this morning; he didn't feel like repeating his performance again. Though in reality, their new found intimacy thrilled him and he was having trouble keeping his hands off her- even more than usual.

He understood her behavior as well. It had been her first time last night and it was natural for her to be awkward, though he knew it would vanish away with time. As for him, it hadn't been his first time, but it was for the first time he had made love with a woman whom he loved deeply and dearly. Though he had refrained from telling her this- the part about the fact that he had done this before. However, her demeanor told him that she knew already and he could sense that she would ask about it, _eventually_. He didn't have any major qualms about telling her, but he had very little clue as to how she would react.

Leaning further into the pillows he placed his now empty cup aside. "I am glad you don't have your classes today. I miss you terribly when you aren't here."

In reply she slowly kept her cup aside as well and mirrored his position. "Mmm... though just one day off in a week... training becomes exhausting."

He smiled. "It's just the beginning love."

He was glad when her hand crawled towards his and caught it in a loose grip. Yesterday they had visited her muggle cousin Allison- the first person whom Dora had told about their relationship to. Allison had insisted on meeting him and had invited them on a formal dinner. He was more than a little nervous, but after telling her to go alone to the ball, he didn't have the heart to say no again.

Besides Allison was a muggle; the risk of her knowing his true nature was low. Yet, that hadn't stopped him from getting edgy. He had been very skeptical about how Allison would react when she would see her young cousin with a much older man.

Though his reticence had disappeared when both Allison and her _husband_ had welcomed him with warmth. Allison had a husband and a two year old son as well- something which Tonks had conveniently forgotten to mention to him. The fact that Allison's husband, Eric, was a few years older than Allison, had helped a little too. Remus had found himself smiling in company of the unknowns and when he had seen the radiant smile on Dora's face, it had made everything even more worthwhile.

She had looked so different... in a beautiful way that when they had came back home, he hadn't been able to resist touching her and one thing had led to another. Therefore, it was a little reprieve that after yesterday's events they had gotten a break.

"You know, in yesterday's class they were teaching us to check for the pulse." She said as she placed her two fingers on his wrist. "But I can never feel it beating..."

Taking her wrist, he showed her the right technique and asked her to try again.

"Feet it now?" He asked.

"No..." She chuckled. "I can feel it here though..." She placed her fingers below his jaw, where his neck started. "And best yet, here-" She slid her arm around his waist and placed her ear above his heart. "I can hear every beat..." She pulled away, few strands of her hair, sticking to his t-shirt.

"Let me hear too-" He said with childish curiosity, in a fit of eagerness and made to place his ear above her heart as well, but jerked back his head at the last second as he suddenly realized that exactly _where_ he'd have to position his ear to listen to her heartbeat.

As he pulled back, his face crumbled in half amusement and half mortification at being so obvious about his mistake. He carefully looked at her and found that she was biting her lower lip to keep the smile blossoming on her face. She suddenly buried her face in his chest.

He was able to hear her heartbeat anyway.

"I am sorry for being so silly!" She spoke, but he was glad that she was laughing.

He chuckled along as his arms came around her. "No, I am actually enjoying it." And soon they both dissolved in a fit of giggles.

He placed a kiss on the crown of her head as they quieted down.

She fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt for some time and he felt a question coming.

"Have you... No, I mean... you-you have done this before-"

_Here we go..._

"-it-it was my first time, but not yours, I could tell..." her voice was hesitant, yet curious.

"Hmmmm..." He pondered how to answer the dangerous question. It was a double edged sword.

"What hmm?"

"I have... very long time ago."

"With?" She became still, hearing carefully, her head now tucked in the nook of his shoulder.

"I...er...told you about girl named Helena?"

"Mm hm." She nodded.

"She was...my first."

"And... You had known her for how long... when you… did it?"

"Ab-about a month."

"Oh." She was quiet for few moments, then spoke again. "How many times?"

He rolled his eyes though she couldn't see. _Women_. They all were same in some aspects especially when it came to their partner's love life.

"Don't remember." He replied simply, without thinking.

"You did _so_ many times that you don't remember?"

He sighed but answered back patiently. "Five- six times..."

"That was...fast."

"Not really... I was an eighteen year old novice. I was curious."

"I am eighteen!" She countered.

"I was-am a _male_." That silenced her. "Besides it was a long time ago. Thirteen years."

"That's it? And you haven't since then?"

"Well, I did actually, last night-" She swatted him on his waist and he huffed in amusement.

"In between I meant. All those years, you spent wandering..."

"I-yes...about seven years ago...as well."

"When I asked names of your girlfriends, you only named three." She observed.

"She wasn't a girlfriend... it was one-two night sort of thing."

"Oh… Still..."

"I-I am not one-night sort of man, Dora. I wasn't very proud of it, even though she was a willing participant. What should I have told you? I didn't even ask her name."

"Why?" She whispered in his t-shirt and he wasn't sure if she was asking why he didn't ask her name or why he did it when he wasn't one-night sort of person.

"It was... Halloween. Death anniversary of James and Lily. I felt particularly lonely and depressed that year... I went for drinking at a local pub in the city... I wasn't drunk... I mean, I knew what I was doing, but I was just so god damn _tired_ of being lonely... so I didn't resist. And then I went there for another night as well. That's it. I left the city after a week. I did not make a habit of staying in one city for long. I moved from month to month..."

She was silenced for a while and then said: "I understand Remus."

He smiled and kissed her temple. "Thank you."

She was quiet long enough that he started drifting back to sleep. His stomach was full, the weather was pleasant and he had his love in his arms. Besides they had returned late last night and hadn't exactly slept after that...

"Remus." Her soft voice broke through his sleepy haze.

He rubbed his hand up and down her arm to indicate that he was listening.

"Last night... I mean... I-I was okay? You-you enjoyed it as well?" She sounded extremely uncertain and suddenly, he was awake completely.

"Look at me." He sat up a little, and dragging her along with him. He placed his hand beneath her chin and made sure that she was looking in his eyes. His sudden alertness surprised her.

"You were- _are_ perfect in each and every sense. It was just a way for me to tell you- show you- how much I love you and what you do to me. Your touching me back...in the ways you did... was beyond _anything_ I had ever felt. The faith and trust you placed in me, it means the world to me. No matter that it was your first time, you were _perfect_."

"Okay." She nodded vigorously. "Okay." She looked confident of herself again.

"Sometimes-" He started again, unable to stop now. "-sometimes I look into your eyes and I feel this overwhelming... it-it overwhelms me... I feel… a rush of love towards you and sometimes it scares me, it scares me what I truly feel because I would do anything- absolutely _anything_ to bring just one smile on your face. How much you mean to me, you have no idea."

"I do. I do have an idea because that's exactly how I feel."

"And I always believed myself to be a person who was hopeless with words and with expressing his feelings, but when I look at you, all I want is to sprout poetry in your honor and just never stop talking about how much I really love you-" Unable to speak further he pressed his lips to hers.

Feeling her face and neck, tangling his hands in her hairs, he tried to pour his feelings in his kiss.

Though she kissed back with equal fervor, she pulled away after few moments. "Remus- I-I-I want to, I mean I want to-to...well, want to...really but... I don't think I'll be able to... I am sorry I am just a bit sore- I am sorry." She babbled incoherently though he got what she was trying to say.

He placed his fingers on her lips to silence her. "I was just kissing you, Precious. I am just kissing you. We won't do it until you are ready again."

She bit her lip in embarrassment. "God I am such..." Her cheeks flushed a cherry red.

He chuckled. "No please don't-it's normal... it's all normal. I think we should try to sleep a bit, yeah? Take some rest?"

"Yes...right…"

They adjusted themselves beneath the covers and Remus flicked his wand to draw the curtains back. She settled comfortably on his chest. Though he was on the bed, he almost floated in air with happiness and with the sense of completeness.

* * *

_October 3, 1991_

Remus encircled one of his arms around Tonks's waist from behind, who was busy fiddling with the opening of milk can.

"Where have you been!" She exclaimed, jumping slightly at his touch.

Kissing her cheek, he replied: "Happy Birthday love."

Turning around, she kissed him properly on the mouth. "Thank you! My day has hardly started and it already has become my favorite birthday."

"Didn't you get my note?"

"I did. But you didn't mention where you were going."

Extracting his arm from behind, he presented her a very colorful bouquet. "I went to get you this."

"Oh..." She gasped her eyes going wide. "It's so huge!"

He chuckled. "I was rather expecting you to say something along the lines of 'beautiful' or 'pretty', but I guess huge is one way to describe it as well."

Clutching it in her smaller hands, she inhaled the scent. "Of course it is beautiful..." She seemed mesmerized by them as she twirled the object around to take a complete look of it. "Wait... I recognize these flowers."

Placing his hands on her waist, he gave her a timid smile. "Yes well... these are flowers from the orphanage's garden. Julia allowed me to pick the lot of them when I told her that I wanted to make a bouquet for you on your birthday. She sent her wishes by the way."

"You mean to say, you-you made them by _yourself_?" She asked in awe.

"Mm hmm... I wanted to do it by hand." He replied observing the various colored carnations, roses, lilies...

"But... they are so finely made. I could have never guessed Remus and... You made it by hand... for me... no one has ever done that for me..." She gaped at him with adoration.

"It's nothing... they are just flowers-"

"But you put your efforts in them Remus. I love you! Merlin you are the sweetest man alive!" The shrill whistle of kettle cut off whatever more she would have said. As she made to grab the kettle, she handed him the bouquet with a request. "Please can you place them in that vase my mother gave? And please perform that charm on these- the one which would not let it spoil. And please take them away from fire; I am afraid my clumsiness will catch on to them..." As she rambled on, he placed the flowers carefully in the vase on the small kitchen table, secretly pleasantly surprised that she loved them so much.

Holding the tray in her hand, she asked: "Please bring them to the living room. They'll brighten up the whole place."

He trailed behind her but stopped suddenly as he saw the changed look of the living room. The coffee table and the armchair by the fireplace were cluttered with various colored and brightly packed presents.

"Who sent these?" He asked as he placed the vase on the shelf.

She cleared away the space on the table and delicately placed the tray. "Just my parents...relatives...acquaintances and friends."

They seated next to each other on the sofa and observed the presents. "They are quite a few... and you said you didn't have many friends."

"I don't... Mostly came from my Dad's side of family. Even though we don't meet often, they always send presents on my birthday and Christmas... I mean I feel like a kid sometimes... it's no age to receive so many gifts... Hmm... let me see what's in this one..." She said as she picked up the one wrapped in golden paper.

He sat back and stared in dull amazement as she opened all her gifts one by one. They all seemed extravagant...expensive and fancy. Nothing that a man like him could ever afford.

Suddenly the tiny weight of the pink wrapped gift in his pocket felt unbearably heavy and... itchy.

What was his gift in front of these?

"They seem... pretty exorbitant." He murmured softly, words escaping his mouth without his consent.

She sighed and leaned back as she finished seeing them all. "Yeah..."

"I have something else for you..." He was hesitant now to present her with his gift; acutely aware of his own limitations. He could never reach the expectations of the gifts that now littered the drawing room.

"But you already got me a bouquet!" She looked at him in surprise.

He gave out a bitter laugh. "That was...nothing." It was dust among diamonds. His finger closed around the delicately wrapped jewellery in his pocket and he pulled it out. "Here..."

He noticed that she opened the ribbon on the neck of the gift more cautiously than she had done with other gifts. The wrapping fell open as the ribbon was removed.

"Oh... it's so... pretty..." She whispered reverently, and he noticed how the light from the pendant caught in her eyes.

"It's... cubic zirconia... also known as pink ice." It was a tiny pink colored square shaped stone, hanging from a delicate silver chain. It had looked so perfect when he had brought it for her, but now he wasn't so sure...

"Remus, you shouldn't have... it must have cost a fortune..."

"Not much." Annoyance flared in his stomach as he thought about his poverty. The pendant merely cost twenty galleons, an amount which any middle class man won't think twice before spending but he on the other hand, was ashamed to admit that those had been his yearly savings. "It's no comparison to the lovely presents you have got. I am sorry it's not much... you deserve so much better..." He replied as he felt a hot flush near his neck in shame and fiddled with the threadbare sleeve of his shirt.

"Hey... you are not thinking what I am thinking you are thinking..." She trailed off when he resolutely kept looking down.

She cupped his chin with her palm and made him look at him. "Sweetheart... you aren't comparing these with your gift, are you?"

"There's no _comparison_ Dora. You deserve something so very special..."

"Remus you don't get it do you?" She shook her head at him as if he was a lost cause.

"Look..." She picked up a square jewellery box. She took a deep breath and a look of resoluteness crossed her features, which told him that he was in for a harangue. "This is a diamond set by my mother. You see it's very beautiful and it's so beautiful that I'll never wear it. And mum knows this, but she gave me this not because I wanted it, but because _she_ wanted me to wear it… One of these days she'll ask me to attend our family dinner and she'll insist on me wearing it. And I will. For her sake, because I love her. And I'll feel very pretty when I'll wear it, but I won't feel me. I won't be comfortable in it and it will be kept forever safely in my drawer."

She placed back the box and picked up a shoe box. "This one? My Hogwarts long time friend Anna gave me-" It was a pair of high heeled stilettos. "It's so sexy and I'd drool at it every time I would see something like this in a showroom, but I'll never wear it; you know why."

She placed it back and picked up another. "This came via owl post, you know who sent it? I met the wife of one of the senior Aurors at the ball. And this woman had only met me once... I don't know how she knew it was my birthday, but she sent this. This is way too expensive and I have half of a mind to return it but I don't want to come across as rude. I'll probably send her a thank you letter anyway. Now do you understand what I am trying to say? I am not ungrateful for these presents. I am so glad that they all remembered me but these things though are lovely...are not for me..." She sighed with a frown and picked up another package.

"See this? This, my Dad brought-" it was a pair of ridiculous fluffy orange slippers. "-it's so silly that I absolutely _love_ them. And I'll wear these every night until they wore out. And they probably cost just few sickles. He might have even picked them up from a kid's showroom." She again picked up a small card. "This was sent by my Cousin's daughter. She's only nine and she made this card by her hand. The drawing is all untidy and the color is running out, but I love it. It would have cost nothing. But I love it. And most importantly yours. You brought me a bouquet, which you made by yourself, putting in your efforts and love, knowing what kind of flowers I loved... while you were picking each flower, I know you must have thought what they symbolized and I know that you must have thought about me all the time...and this pendant Remus? It's so simple and...Wonderful that I love it! I can wear it anytime and anywhere. I can wear it beneath my trainee robes, I can wear it when I sleep... the color...it's pink- my favorite. Remus...now do you get it? The gifts I liked the most were those which required efforts and thoughts. Not money."

She finished with another deep breath and looked at him with pleading eyes. How she managed to speak so much in such a short time, he would never understand. Nevertheless, her words touched his heart. He however refrained from saying that yes though it meant a lot to him that she looked for deeper things such as love and efforts; it didn't make him feel much better about his status or his capacity. She deserved to be pampered and cherished, and even if she didn't need monetary things for him to express his feelings, it didn't mean that he _shouldn't_. He couldn't afford exorbitant gifts for the love of his life and it was as simple as that; although her thoughtfulness and caring nature dulled that ache in his heart.

He caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, simply staring into her eyes. Then he picked up the pendant he had brought and turned her around a bit to put it on her. He placed a few kisses at the back of her neck as she allowed him to hook the piece in place.

"See, isn't it perfect? It even matches with my hair." She gently patted the stone and turned her hairs a shade lighter to match the pendant.

"Yes, it looks perfect on you." He agreed.

He sent her off to the Ministry with a usual kiss on her forehead.

When she returned that evening, he had everything ready. He had baked a very tiny cake for her, not having work that day, plus had made little of everything she had ever mentioned liking. He had never worked so hard to please someone, to make someone happy and it felt inexplicably good.

To top it off, seeing the look of pure wonderment on her face made it all worth it.

He even had written a poem for her and had blushed in embarrassment when she had decided to recite in front of him instead of reading silently. By the end of it she was nearly in tears and had exclaimed that it was sweetest thing anyone ever had done for her.

After dinner, he had continued to show her exactly how much he loved her and that demonstration had carried on until the early hours of the mornings even though she had commented jokingly at midnight that her birthday was officially over.

When she slept by his side, he had regarded her in the light of moon for a long time. Her newly acquired pendant nestled in the hollow of her neck and he had watched the stone turning almost white in the moonlight. The jewellery she had received from her mother and gifts from other friends that were thrown haphazardly around the room, had mocked him until he had fallen into a fitful slumber with the knowledge that it would probably take another year for him to afford even a small piece of ornament for her.

He was slowly beginning to realize that what being in Dora's life would encompass for her in long run.

That night he dreamed of a young brown haired woman wearing a tired and bitter expression on her face as she buttered single stale bread for breakfast in an untidy, rundown shack, for herself and her shabby husband who sat across her wearing a similar defeated expression on his face.

* * *

_October 15, 1991._

"Your skin is...uncommonly...soft..." He whispered into the quiet of night as he caressed her cheek with his hand, as they lay facing each other on the bed.

"Have you seen the bulk of skin care products behind the mirror in the bathroom?" She raised her eyebrows in question as her leg slipped between his.

Playing with the strap of her camisole and now feeling the tender skin of her shoulder, he answered: "I might have... the space is almost overflowing with all your bottles and tubes and what not..."

"Well...this skin and hairs... all credit goes to that stuff..."

"But you can morph however you want, then why take so much pain in maintenance-?" He asked curiously.

She shrugged. "I am a girl, I guess that's why... we sort of enjoy it... even if I cannot be called exactly girly… I think it's something which is inbuilt in us by default… and besides what if one day I lost my powers? I wouldn't want to disappoint myself with my own natural appearance."

He didn't say anything in return instead placed his palm on her shoulder and observed the contrast in the dim light. Their both complexions were pale; however, due to a recently passed full moon, his complexion looked rather on the sickly side. In addition, he had a new scar which was still raw and red along with few older ones on the back of his hand where to the contrary, her skin was flawless. There was no scope or space for comparison between them.

"You are beautiful..." He expressed in one breath, a sigh escaping his lips. "What did I do to deserve you?"

She bit her lower lip as she often did to prevent the stretching of that bashful smile which he had come to love so much. "You are a flatterer..."

When he brought his lips down upon hers, for a tiniest of moment he felt as if he was tainting her flawlessness with his failings. However, her warm hand which stroked his chest made him forget all about irrational or not-so-irrational thoughts as he drowned into the kiss and her touch.

* * *

_October 30, 1991_

He was flicking away at the pages of the Daily prophet when he heard sound of the main door opening. Surprised and alarmed as to who it could be at this time in the morning and wouldn't even bother knocking or ringing the bell, he stood up. But before he could have taken more than three steps, a middle aged lady laden with carry bags, entered the living room.

They both promptly froze at their places, when they saw each other.

"I-er- have I stepped in the wrong flat?" She asked hesitantly, looking flustered second by second.

He had an inkling who this woman was for she bore a striking resemblance to her infamous sister Bellatrix Lestrange...as well as to her daughter.

"Depends on who you are looking for." He played along and suddenly felt very glad that he was dressed properly in his shirt and trousers instead of roaming in his pajamas or boxers as he had taken to doing in the early hours of the morning since both of them- him and Dora- have gotten awfully comfortable around each other to give a thought about trivial things such as _clothes_.

He was _especially_ glad that he was properly clothed when a highly disturbing image came unbidden to his mind, of Andromeda Tonks popping up in the apartment at time when her daughter was...otherwise engaged with him.

"Nymphadora... Tonks." She had composed herself by now and she replied stiffly.

"Oh well then you are absolutely at the right place. D-Tonks is getting ready for the Ministry… in her room. I am assuming you are... Mrs. Tonks?"

After the confirmation she was indeed at her daughter's place, Andromeda placed the bags on the nearby table and Remus saw as she looked around the apartment, taking in the decorations and clutter around the room.

"Yes and you are?" She asked politely enough yet Remus sensed wariness behind her tone.

"I-" almost panicking about how he should introduce himself (Whether as a friend or boyfriend), he was saved the trouble when Dora stumbled from her room, trainee robes in her hands but otherwise dressed.

"Remus-" She started but immediately stopped when she sensed another person in the room. "Mum!" She exclaimed and Remus had a hard time in deciding whether she was surprised or shocked.

He saw a relaxed smile grace Andromeda's face on the appearance of her daughter. Remus breathed a little sigh of relief. An uneasy air that had wafted around them, dimmed when Dora smiled back.

Both the women hugged and forgot him for a moment, something that he didn't mind. In fact, if he had it in him, he would have loved to crawl away from the apartment without getting noticed. However, this was Dora's mother. Even if he hadn't envisioned them meeting in this manner (to tell the truth he had hoped that the daunting moment would never arrive when he would have to meet Dora's parents), he had to at least behave in a civilized manner and try to leave a good impression.

"What are you doing here this early in the morning?" Tonks enquired.

"You haven't come to meet us for two weeks and I didn't know when you left for your classes. I was hoping we could have breakfast together. Your father wanted to tag along, but he had work."

"Oh well I am glad you are here and I don't leave for another half an hour. You are just on time, we were about to have breakfast-" She muttered hurriedly and turned to look at him so that her back was to her mother. Tonks gave him a wide-eyed panicked expression and he knew what she was thinking.

There was a communication barrier here. Remus had requested Dora not to tell her parents about their relationship and had asked her to wait. Though she had been reluctant, she had agreed. Now faced with the situation, she barely had two seconds to decide what she was going to say.

He cleared his throat as Tonks took two steps towards him and turned to look at her mother. "Mum, this is Remus-" She started and placed a hand on his forearm.

"Hello." He smiled politely, not giving her time to say 'my boyfriend' or something. He offered his hand to Andromeda which she shook in a firm grip. And for a fleeting moment Remus felt that even if Ted wasn't here, Andromeda was fulfilling his role as well.

"And Remus this is my mother, obviously..." Tonks trailed off.

"It's pleasure to meet you Mrs. Tonks. Tonks talks a lot about you." He smiled.

"Did she now?" She raised her one perfectly chiseled eyebrow. "I am afraid I cannot say same about you. She certainly never mentioned you." She looked pointedly at Tonks.

"I-er... well yes... I-I need to leave-for work, I hope you both don't mind, I am getting late." He blurted out in a rush and internally cringed as he lost his calm. He knew he was running from the situation, but for once, he wanted Dora to handle it on her own as she had better grip on her mother.

"But breakfast-?" Tonks furrowed her brows.

"Yes I have brought enough with me... even if I wasn't aware we had company, please join us." Andromeda added.

He was glad for the offer, but had a faint feeling that Andromeda was merely fulfilling a formality. "No, I'll- thank you, but I'll leave you both alone." He looked at Tonks and said: "I'll have something at the canteen."

"Oh..." She looked disappointed, but then stood on the tip of her toes and kissed his cheek as her one hand came to rest on another. "Take care."

He looked in her eyes and he desperately communicated with silence: _Please handle this with caution._

Deciding to ignore her mother's pointed gaze for a moment, he cupped her face and placed a kiss on her forehead. "You too." He whispered and withdrew immediately.

"Bye." He wished both the women and moved out of the room as Andromeda's voice trailed behind him, asking her daughter to accompany her to the kitchen so that she can set the table.

Just as he had shut the door behind him and had taken a step forward, he tripped on his untied shoe laces. He bent down to tie them when he heard the muffled voices of his girlfriend and her mother.

"So... who was he?" He imagined Andromeda asking Tonks with a sideway glance while appearing busy in putting up the breakfast.

"Remus. I told you just now." Came Tonks's clear voice.

"I am not asking his name, I am asking who is he?"

There was a silence for few moments when Tonks spoke: "Quiche smells delicious Mum!"

"Nymphadora..."

"He is my..." He could see Tonks in his mind chewing her lip, thinking desperately whether to tell the truth or to give in to his request.

"Boyfriend?" Andromeda prompted.

"Yeah..."

Remus sighed, abandoning the task of tying the laces. He instead sat on the floor and leaned against the wall. He wasn't going anywhere, he knew it, even though he hadn't made a habit on eavesdropping on private conversation of others, this was important. Besides, they were talking about him, he had a right to know, he reasoned.

Moreover, he didn't blame Dora. A person had to be very short sighted or thick to not to notice their non-platonic relationship; especially after seeing them interact with each other.

What else would her mother think after seeing a stranger at her daughter's flat so early in the morning, exchanging good bye kisses?

"Isn't he a bit... old?"

Remus cringed.

"He's not old, he's old_er_." Tonks replied indignantly.

"Thirteen years older, I presume?"

"How do you know that?" Tonks sounded just as surprised as he was.

"He... When I was pregnant with you... During the summers your-my cousin Sirius Black came to visit me. He wouldn't stop talking about his friends, namely James, Peter and Remus... I imagine he is the same Remus? Because I remember seeing a picture of him... of course it was a long time ago, but there's a resemblance..." Andromeddea replied in calculated tones.

"Yes, he's the same one. Remus Lupin."

"Isn't thirteen years a bit... too much?"

"Not when I love him. Muffins are yummy Mum! I have missed these."

"And does he love you back?" Andromeda asked, ignoring the comments on her cooking completely.

"Very." He could hear the smile in her voice.

"Since how long has this been going?"

"More than three months..."

"Not very long then... it might be just a passing fancy."

A spoon clattered to the table, which he imagined had slipped from Tonks's fingers. Along with the spoon his heart slipped to his stomach as well. An old man passed him looking at him oddly, but Remus paid no heed.

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Tonks's voice was controlled.

"I don't think you have thought things over..."

"I didn't know that we have to think and analyze before falling in love _mother_."

"Don't take that tone with me, Nymphadora."

"So what if he's few years older than me?"

"It wouldn't matter if he wasn't a werewolf!"

The silence was deafening. He could hear the ringing in his ears.

"He _has_ told you he is a werewolf, hasn't he?" Andromeda now sounded cautious.

"How do you know?"

"I once overheard Sirius and James talking something along those lines... when they once came over to dinner. You were two then. I passed it as a figment of their farfetched imagination because I thought Dumbledore would never allow someone as dangerous as him in a school full of children."

"He is not dangerous! Listen, I am getting late-"

"Sit down Nymphadora. You said you have half an hour, you still have fifteen minutes."

After few seconds of silence, he heard Tonks sitting back in her chair.

"I know he is not dangerous normally. I was talking specifically about full moons."

"Dumbledore is one smart wizard... he knows how to handle such situations. He knows that no child should be denied education or Hogwarts because of something beyond his control."

He felt a rush of pride at her words.

"Don't get me wrong Nymphadora... I am sorry if I came across as prejudiced or bigoted... I like to believe I am far from such conduct. I understand it is very unfortunate that he was bitten as a child... but..."

"But?"

Andromeda sighed. "I understand prejudices... I married your father and my family boycotted me because of Ted's status as a muggle born... It didn't stop there. My sister was after the life of my family... I realize Remus must have had a very hard time... but as I said I don't think you have thought things over... because being with a lycanthrope will entail very ugly things for you Dora... It won't be good for your future..."

"It won't be good for my future if I _won't_ be with him Mum..." She replied quietly.

"You don't understand do you? You don't understand how it feels when people outlaw you because of who you are with. In my case it was just my family and few other pureblood fanatics, but in your case... the whole world will be against you... they'll ask you to leave the restaurant you enter, they'll deny you your purchase, they won't want to have dinners with you and it will never end... besides werewolves in general are considered dark creatures.. You might be able to handle it in the starting but sooner or later the burden will become too much, things will turn bitter..."

"Dad never left you, did he? Just because your family was after us? Things didn't get bitter between you both."

"Your Dad's family is very generous Nymphadora. They supported us even if they didn't know what was going on. Half of them don't know we are magic... we hate to pretend but we understand things will turn unpleasant if they learn the truth... I don't want the same game of hide and seek for you as well..."

"I can handle everything Mum... if he's with me... if my family is with me. I believe in the saying that 'those who matter won't care and those who care won't matter...' You won't boycott me will you just because of who I am with?"

"I can't say I... approve... I probably never will... you are our only child Nymphadora. No parent wants their only daughter to walk down the path of thorns... However, we also understand that you are an adult now. We can only have this much influence on your life. Rest, you'll do what you will want to do... that said, for your sake, I'll try... I won't refuse you the way my family did and I know that Ted won't do that either... and I am sorry if my next words hurt you but I want to be honest. I'll never force you but I hope you both... split up soon."

Remus closed his eyes in despair. _There_. It was all out in the open.

After an agonizing silence of a few moments, Tonks replied: "Half an hour is up Mum, thank you for the breakfast. I'll reheat the leftover in the evening-to have with tea. Please ward off the door when you leave." Her tone was dull and Remus could hear the pain in her voice.

As he heard Dora beginning to move out, possibly donning her robes and shoes, he got up stiffly and scrambled through the stairs.

That night, he returned late, having gone to the orphanage after work to calm his mind. But unlike other days, he felt excessively out of place there. He kept wondering in his mind that what a wonderful girl like Dora was doing with him and why had he dragged her along in this mess.

And now they were much too deep in this.

She greeted him normally, re-heating the quiche her mother had brought. He didn't feel like eating as it seemed another favor from the Tonkses. He wasn't sure if Andromeda knew that he lived with her daughter in the apartment _they_ gifted to _her_. And of course he wasn't paying any rent. He felt like a charitable case.

He ate the quiche anyway.

When he asked about how it went with her mother, she simply smiled and replied that it went as well as it was expected. He didn't stretch because he neither wanted her to lie to him for the sake of his feelings nor did he wanted to confess to his eavesdropping.

After clearing away the dishes, she simply kissed his forehead and told him in definite terms: "I'll love you always, no matter what."

He was unsure that whether he should be pleased that he had found a love so profound or to be disheartened that if things didn't work out well, she would will go downhill with him as well.

* * *

_A/N: GinnyPotter6891- I am glad you liked it :)_

_adamantfire- Hello there! Iam afraid difficulties aren't over yet but I am fairing better. And I am so very glad that you liked the idea of flashbacks._

_Do review please if you are reading this! I would love some feedback :)_


	12. Vision of love

_Thanks to **Yoshishisha** for the beta_

* * *

_November 15, 1991_

They trudged into the apartment that he had taken to calling as _home_ in the past few months. Flicking on the lights, he gestured to Tonks, "Go on the balcony, I'll make us tea."

"Can we have firewhisky instead?" She asked somberly.

Grimacing, he nodded in confirmation.

Tonks sat with her legs tucked in on the comfortable bench they had placed on the balcony. Remus sat down beside her, handing her a glass of the amber liquid.

For few moments, they both watched the setting sun. _'It is bad luck to watch the setting sun'_ his grandmother had told him once. But because of the way sun threw an orangish hue over the small field adjacent to their apartment, making everything look calm and serene, Remus didn't care much.

Suddenly, he felt Tonks pressing her face in his shoulder and her arm creeping to his waist from behind.

Sighing, he said: "I know... believe me I know..."

"It's just... I always wanted him-and others too- all of them to get good homes and parents they deserved but... I never thought that it would be so _hard_ to say goodbye to them." She spoke, her voice muffled with sadness perfectly evident in it.

James- the little boy from the orphanage - was getting adopted. A childless muggle couple from Wales had applied for his adoption. The rigorous procedure of the adoption was almost complete and just few formalities remained. If everything went well, James would have a new home by the day after tomorrow.

Although they were happy that he was getting what every child should have, it wasn't easy saying goodbye to him. Over the course of time, the boy had grown upon them and they both were deeply fond of him.

Caressing her hairs, he assured her, "He'll be happy- more than he is here."

She nodded in a subdued manner and then said: "I wish we could have adopted him instead."

Remus stiffened immediately. "I am afraid… that's not possible..." He trailed off, words failing him as a horrible sinking feeling gripped his chest.

"It's not as if it's _not_ possible but it's not feasible at the moment... not just economically but from all aspects. I was talking hypothetically of course, I am too young to adopt anyway... but I just feel bad that I don't want to let him go... He's like a younger brother I never had..."

_She is talking hypothetically_, Remus reasoned_, I should let the matter drop here..._

He should have kept quiet he knew, he should have simply kissed her and should have assured her that James would be fine, but he couldn't keep his silence. He couldn't give her false hope. She needed to know his all realities.

"I am not just talking about right now, Dora. I am talking about forever." He said with a heavy heart. "It won't be _ever_ possible with us- with _me_." He specified. Fault wasn't in her, it was in him.

"What do you mean?" She raised her head from his shoulder and looked at him bemusedly.

"A child... it will never be a possibility for me... adopted or not."

She chuckled lightly. "Remus... I said I am too young to bear the responsibility of a child..."

"You are _now_. But one day, you'll get older and will want-"

"_Remus_, who knows what will happen after eight-ten years? Why think about it right now?" She shook her head in agitation.

He had a feeling that she understood what he wanted to say, but was determinedly choosing to ignore the implications.

"That's what you _always_ do, when it comes to me. You stall it to the future. You are like... _'We'll see when it comes'_... but you don't understand that time does not stay still. One day you will be well settled, you'll want a family… you'll want a child of your own... something which I can never provide..."

"Why is that? If we are being abstract, then I think you'll be a wonderful father despite your monthly illness."

"That's a different matter entirely. No child of mine will be healthy. He will carry my blood, my infection... to think that I can knowingly transfer my condition to another being... an innocent child at that?" He shuddered involuntarily.

"Why are we getting so worked up about something that's not even a possibility right now?" She sounded irritated and withdrew her arm from his waist.

"But it _will_ be some day. You are doing it _again_ Dora." He sat up straighter and placed his glass on the ground. "You are willing to go blind whenever it comes to me. Why can't you see that I'll never be able to provide you with a normal life?"

Placing her elbows on her knees she massaged her temples with her index fingers. "You give me headaches."

He smiled sadly at her. "You don't really have an answer to that, do you? You know I am right. And I know you wouldn't want to bring a child into this world either, who will have to suffer with... unbearable pain every full moon..." He felt nauseous at talking about the painful destiny of the non-existent child he would never father.

"I understand what you are trying to say Remus." She started and he heard her controlled voice. Though whether she was controlling anger or sadness, he couldn't say. He felt bad for burdening her with a new realization when she was already distressed. "I see what full moons do to you...it saps your energy...the physical pain. And I understand your reluctance to have a child of your own. But there must be other way... adoption for example. There are so many unfortunate children that need parents."

"You think a child will be fortunate enough to have me as a father? Dora, don't even get me _started_ on that... my family will always be on the brunt of prejudice... that aside, no one wants to give custody of a child to a werewolf. And before you say, I am talking about muggle community as well. I haven't had a steady job for as long as I can remember. You cannot explain to muggles that you are an Auror. The only way to convince them is to confound them and the laws and rules we will be breaking? Need I mention? Hurdles… hurdles... that are all you'll get...with me."

"What do you suggest then?" She looked up with challenge in her eyes along with a touch of despondency in them. "We should move our separate ways? Because of children that don't even _exist_?" Her voice reached an octave higher.

A monster sized hand gripped his heart at her question.

He had often found himself thinking these days that he should let this relationship go before they were deep in this. But then another comprehension would dawn that they were _already_ too deep in this. There was no turning back.

"Just answer my concerns." He finally said, no longer able to look in her imploring eyes.

She leant back and stared ahead. "I understand what you are trying to say." She repeated. "And I probably don't have any answer or solution to your concerns... but... there's one thing I know... and I may sound weak or even pathetic for saying this... but for me, there's no longer a life _without_ you." She looked at him, her hair hanging limply around her face, her lips twisted in a sad smile. "So may be after years... I'll be- _we'll_ be without a child, but I'll have my family if I have _you_. I have come to rely on you so badly... it might be silly because it's just been few months... but I have never been loved _this_ way before... So if you think separating is better because then I can have some ideal family and life, then you are _wrong_. I'll never be happy without you. And I don't know why, but I am sure about this." She looked away again and absent mindedly rubbed the bridge of her nose.

He stared at her. It was right, there was no returning. Whether or not they remained together, they would end up falling, they would get hurt. And the reason he had started to loathe himself day by day was that he had dragged Tonks into this. He had always been destined to lead a wretched life, but he had dragged another person into this.

Love was a funny thing. He had loved every person differently in his life. He had loved his parents, his friends- with different intensity. He loved Dora in a way one would love their soul mate. And if he would have ever believed that there was a soul mate for him, he knew that Dora would hold that position. But the idea of a girl like her- pure and innocent- being the soul mate of a _werewolf_ was absolutely ridiculous and heartbreaking.

Somehow, in twisted ways of destiny they had met and had ended up becoming such an intricate part of each other. He lived for her. She was the last thing he saw at night and first thing he saw in the morning. When she was there, he would feel whole, with a sense of peace. When she was not there, his time passed with waiting for her. He had become so used to her, that he had forgotten all about his life spent without her.

"I am going to sleep." She spoke quietly, scrubbing her eyes.

"I was going to start dinner. It's barely seven." He replied worriedly.

She shook her head. "I don't feel like eating right now, I am tired..."

"If you'll fall asleep early, you'll wake up at some ungodly hour."

"It's okay, I'll see. I need to sleep."

"Dora-" he started, but she had already stood.

"You eat okay?" And with that she left, touching her hand lightly to his cheek.

_Night had fallen around them._

* * *

_November 27, 1991_

"... Miss Brooke had that kind of beauty which seems to be thrown into relief by poor dress..."

Dora's voice washed over Remus's ears through his sleepy haze as she read George Eliot's _Middlemarch_ to him. His head was comfortably nestled in her lap and she had strategically placed the covers and blankets around him, creating a warm cocoon for him. She had her back to the headboard as one hand held the book and the other stroked the hair behind his ear.

Winter full moons were especially harder on him. The chill of the atmosphere made his bones stiff and thus they ached more in winters during the full moons. He recovered slowly in these months.

Full moon was an issue they had never talked about before.

He avoided talking about them because he wanted to protect her from the harsh realities of his transformation. It never helped someone to see their loved one in agony. He had no intention of adding an extra worry to her head. She avoided talking about them because she respected his privacy.

During these months they had been together, he would leave two days before the full moon arrived and would return two days after the ordeal was over. Overall, they were separated for about five-six days in a month.

While he was in obvious pain at that time, she wasn't at peace either. When he would return, he could see the worry clouding in her eyes and visible symptoms were the dark circles or her dull hair.

He knew the time would come soon when she would want to become a part in it.

And it had.

Her dam had finally broken and she had requested him to leave late and return early. She wanted him to leave just for the transformation so that before and after it, she could take care of him as she hated the idea of him being alone.

The reason for him to create the distance between them was clear to him. During that time he was so weak that he could barely walk. And the fact that he was always agitated and irritated didn't make things easy for those around him.

But this time she had fought and fought until he had relented.

And so here he was, lying almost dead lest it be for his beating heart and ragged breathing.

He caught her hand playing with his earlobe and brought it to his lips, kissing each finger. Just the small movement was laced with lethargy and exertion. "You...must be...parched...with all... reading aloud..." He mumbled through his sore throat.

"Not really. I am enjoying it." She kept the book aside anyway and bent to place kisses on the side of his head. "How are you feeling love?"

She tried to disguise the worry in her tone with affection. But this was _his_ Dora, he knew her too well. She had been horrified when she had seen him leaning against the door, barely able to stand on his legs and pale as a ghost, with far too many fresh scratches and wounds. She had tried to be strong for him just as he had tried to be strong for her.

The one hour after he came back had passed in a blur, with her trying to fuss around him, feeding him and giving him pain potions, mopping his burning face with wet cloth and what not. He would never admit it, but it had felt _nice_. It had been years since someone had taken care of him like this. First it had been his mother and then it had been Poppy Pomfrey during the Hogwarts. But his relief at being loved and cared had vanished when he had heard her carefully muffled sniffles in the bathroom.

However, when she had come outside, with a face absolutely fresh and clean, with no signs of exhaustion or crying, he knew she had morphed; morphed so that it would not hurt him.

It was heart touching- their efforts to protect the other from hurt- by concealing their true feelings.

Since then, she had arranged the bed around him and had catered to him by reading a book with his head in her lap.

It felt nice.

It felt _wonderful_.

He was home.

"Better..." He croaked out. He hated being so vulnerable, so weak.

"Hmm... Fever seems still quite high though..."

"Don' worry... 's normal..."

"Do you need anything?" She asked brushing his bangs away from his forehead.

He shook his head, cringing inwardly at the pain that shot through his neck.

He curled himself tightly into a ball, snuggling further into her, his neck straining as he bent his head.

"Okay..." She kept caressing his face and placing numerous tiny kisses on his forehead as if willing for the fever to go away through her loving touch. She placed her face above his lightly and stroked his jaw while his neck continued throbbing...

He marveled at how intimately she was able to touch him after he had been through such a degrading process. Days after the full moon, he would feel unclean and dirty and would often feel as if the malicious wolf lingered on him.

Her soft breath seemed comforting to him and acted like a balm on his aching body. Her rhythmic breathing started lulling him into sleep…

"Remus!" She exclaimed suddenly, immediately withdrawing her head. "God you are bleeding!" The alarm in her voice woke him up from his sleepy daze and he craned his head lightly to look around, wincing loudly as a pain shot through the back of his neck.

He saw in silent horror as thick red liquid dripped from his neck and soaked the sheets around them.

His _blood_.

His _dirty_ _werewolf_ blood.

Scrambling to his feet, ignoring the way all his muscles ached in protest especially the searing pain in his neck, he gathered all the soiled sheets. He absently saw Tonks standing to her feet as well.

"Remus-"

"I-I am sorry, I didn't mean to-" He fussed as his weak hands were unable to grasp the sheets in a proper grip.

"No, listen-"

"The wound must have re-opened-"

"Remus, please-"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to stain them-"

"Remus-"

"I'll wash them right away, the stain won't remain-" He finally had all the sheets and covers in his arms. She had used all the available ones to cover him, to keep him warm and he just had to freaking _bleed_ on them. What a wonderful way to pay her back.

However just as he had taken two steps towards the door, Tonks voice halted him.

"REMUS!"

He looked at her startled and a little scared at her sudden outburst.

"Will you listen to yourself?!" She shouted as her hair hairs crackled into life by turning bright orange. "I don't give a damn about the sheets! You are fucking bleeding. YOU'LL BLEED TO DEATH!" She screamed and burst into tears, snatching all the covers and sheets he had managed to gather in to his arms.

"Incendio!" She pointed her wand at the covers and cried out the spell.

He leapt back in alarm as she set fire to the whole bundle and the flames roared, touching the ceiling. For a moment the flames and her hairs looked of same color and he wondered if her head had caught fire.

Thanking gods that he had his wand in his pocket even when he was resting, he immediately tried all the spells to quell the fire- _aguamenti_, _scourgify_, _evanesco_\- as the place appeared on the verge of burning down.

The air around them considerably cooled as the fire was extinguished and vanished into nothingness.

Still staring at her in alarm, he was startled when she spoke to him.

"Sit!" She pointed towards the edge of bed. When he hesitated, it seemed to make her cry harder and angrier. "WILL-WILL YOU SIT DOWN?!" She sobbed out.

He immediately obeyed like a lost puppy, almost falling down in the process. As the rush of adrenalin dimmed, he got aware of each aching body part especially his neck.

"Accio medical kit!" She summoned her first aid, tears falling down her face steadfastly, and her magic rigorous as the kit came flying from another room at the speed of a firebolt.

Sniffing and hiccoughing loudly, unable to control her cries, she rummaged the kit and took out the bottle of Dittany. She unbuttoned his shirt like a pro and took it off his shoulder, throwing the bloodied garment in the corner.

She cleaned the blood with a spell and he closed his eyes in despair as her tears fell on his shoulder, his own eyes stinging. She applied the dittany on the wound, which he couldn't for the life of it understand how had he acquired.

The wound sizzled as his wince and her sniffles filled the room.

Her chest continuously heaved as she sobbed, wiping her nose in her sleeve, not paying heed to her tears but concentrating on cleaning his wound.

She carefully bandaged the wound, placing numerous spell to secure it. His pain instantly dulled but the ache in his chest escalated. He restrained himself from rubbing his chest to relieve the pain.

He recoiled as he saw his blood on her hands.

She left the room and after few second he heard various utensils banging with each other.

After few minutes she again entered the room, her tears slowed but not completely stopped. He again resisted the urge to take her in his arms and to soothe away all the pain from her face.

"T-take th-this." She gestured to a glass of water in her hand. "It's diluted b-blood replenishing po-potion."

He took the glass without further question and he noticed that both of their hands shook.

Despite her aggression in her earlier actions, she tenderly placed her hand on the newly bandaged neck to support it as he tilted his head to drink the potion.

He placed the glass shakily on the bedside table as she made to leave.

"Dora-"

"What?" She whirled around, the pendant he had gifted her swirling around her neck with her movements. "You want to apologize for _ruining_ the _sheets_? Want to offer to buy new ones? Because that's _all_ I care about isn't it?" She spat angrily at him but he could see the hurt in her eyes.

"No..." He whispered and grabbed her hand with both of his, leaning on his elbows and placing the back of her hand on his forehead. "No..."

"How can you think you would matter to me so _little_, Remus? If I would be dying or hurt would you care about the mess I was creating?"

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he answered: "If you were hurt... it would rip my soul Precious... and that's what happening to you right now. Seeing me in this state, hurts you... and then it hurts me more..." He urged her to sit beside him. After some resistance, she sat stiffly.

"If I were ill, you would take care of me, wouldn't you?" She asked tearfully, as he continued to stare at her hand that he had clutched in his lap. "And you would be happy doing it. Why can't you assume the same for me?"

Shaking his head he replied: "If you were ill, it would go away Dora, it would go away with care and medication... but my disease? It's not going to get better..." He looked up with shining eyes. "It will keep getting worse with passing of time and you'll suffer with me too... you'll suffer as long as you are with me."

"What do you mean _as long as_ I am with you?" She asked accusingly.

"Forever." He amended. He didn't know if he had said _'as long as'_ intentionally or if it had just slipped out. "You'll suffer forever with me."

"I'd suffer more if I were to leave you to your own devices." She replied, her face scrunching up again.

"Hey..." He touched her face with his roughened palm. He hated when she cried and he hated himself when _he_ was the one to make her cry. "I am sorry..." And he wasn't apologizing for just now, he was apologizing for the pain that would accompany in the coming time. The longer she stuck with him.

"Yes, it hurts me to see you in pain. But it hurts even more when you think so lowly of yourself. It hurts me even more when you don't try to understand my love for you... your attitude towards yourself hurts me. Physical wounds would heal... but... I mean it would anger me if anyone would speak badly of you, because I love you. Imagine how _conflicted_ I feel when you treat yourself this way?"

"This... has been rooted inside me for... years... as long as I can remember, it won't just go away."

"But you won't even try. And it breaks my heart." She pulled her hand away and covered her face with them.

_All because of me, this all is happening because of me... If I stay, I hurt her... if I am away, I hurt her..._

Thoughts echoed inside his mind as he carefully engulfed her in his arms. Her shoulders shook as she cried again.

Kissing her forehead he spoke: "I have made you so unhappy, I am so sorry... _Please_..." He thought about for how long she had kept these feelings bottled up inside her, how she must have suffocated within her own thoughts.

"Don't apologize..." She whimpered.

"No, I am sorry. I'll do whatever you'll say..." He pulled her hands away from her face and wiped away her now red face with his palm. Placing kisses on the tear tracks, he spoke in her skin: "I love you, so much... _so_ _much_ that it hurts, that it makes me _crazy_... I love you so much that sometimes I can't understand what to do. All I want is for you to be happy."

"I'll be happy if you can learn to love yourself..."

"I'll try. Whatever I have is all yours, _all_ _yours_. I am all yours and I'll live the way you want me to; I'll do whatever you say..."

"You make it sound as if I am asking for a slave." She chuckled through her tears.

"Whatever you want. _Whatever_." He promised, joining their lips together.

* * *

_December 3, 1991_

They were happy.

He was as happy as he had been during his Hogwarts days, even more so. After his friends' death, he had never imagined that he would ever get a reason to smile; but in these past months, sometimes he would smile so much that his mouth would start to ache. Despite the little incidents of tension between them or the moments of self doubts, he was happy. And she was the reason.

Sometimes, it was unbelievable for him and he would often find himself asking that how was it possible for a woman to affect him so much. A smile on her face would bring a smile on his, a touch or a kiss would fill him with immediate warmth and he would feel as if he was worthy of love as well. Her faith and trust in him inspired him to work hard and well, to not to disappoint her.

As he craned through the shelves of Honeydukes, he thought how little gestures of love have come to mean so much to him.

Sometimes he would find love notes in the pockets of his trousers. Nothing elaborate just small pieces torn from the corner of parchments with simple messages like _'Just a reminder- I love you'_, _'Don't forget to eat your lunch'_ or even those touch on the dirty side that would make him blush while he would be stacking the piles of files at his workplace.

She would often eat from his plate when she was being lazy or would even take a sip of his tea without inhibitions, claiming it tasted sweeter. She saved her favorite desserts for him, saving it for him even if she was way too tempted to eat them.

Just when he would come out of shower, she would often stop him in his tracks and would take a long sniff by placing her nose below his ear, telling him that she loved the smell of him after shower.

He had taken to calling these gestures as tokens of love in his mind. And he would never take these gestures for granted.

He looked over at her disappearing form among the array of shelves, probably looking for her favorite coconut ice. This was their first outing in wizarding world. It was her odd day off and she had said that she missed Hogsmeade and wanted to pay a special visit to Honeydukes, having run out of her supply of sweets. She had wanted him to come with her. He had been reluctant for obvious reason but she had convinced him by saying that his lycanthropy wasn't a public knowledge and it wasn't as if they would be attracting special attention. Besides, it was a weekday and therefore place would be less crowded.

"Remus Lupin?" A soft female voice called out from somewhere behind him and he turned to inquire.

A woman of his age, bearing dark brown curls and brown eyes was peering at him with curious gaze.

"Helena?" He asked, equally surprised.

"Oh it's really you!" She exclaimed softly and suddenly gave him a one armed brief hug as her other hand was laden with goodies.

"You-" He was more than shocked as she was the last person he would have expected to see here. In fact he hadn't expected to see any face from his past.

"Yes! It's me. I never thought I would see anyone of you again." She replied warmly to him. He realized by that she meant his other friends as they frequently used to visit the restaurant she used to work at.

"Yes, well... I didn't expect it either. It's been a long time..." He replied, returning the smile.

"It's been what? Thirteen years?"

"Something like that."

She had grown quite gracefully he noticed. She looked mature with all vestiges of teenage innocence gone from her appearance. They had parted on good terms and it had been a mutual decision. They had decided because while they got along well together, deep down they both knew it was all fun and nothing serious. However, after their separation, they hadn't been able to remain in contact. What with him being heavily engaged in Order missions and her moving to a new city.

"I... heard about the Potters back then. I felt terrible, so sorry I wasn't there..." She looked at him sympathetically and touched his arm.

"Well, yes that was unfortunate." He replied back and was glad that despite meeting after so many years, so unexpectedly and given their history, it weren't awkward to talk to her. It was one of her charming qualities that she was capable of making even a stranger feel at ease around her. "That's awful lot to candies you are carrying." He pointed towards her bags.

"Oh, it's my nephew's birthday today and we are throwing him a party. All this is for his friends."

He nodded and she asked again: "Where have you been all these years?"

"Oh well... just been wandering I am afraid... never fully settled down..."

"You were always the restless one." She shook her head at him.

"What about you?"

"I well... you know I moved to California and then returned to London after... six-seven years... have been at the Ministry since then... presently I am personal assistant of Undersecretary... a lady named Dolores Umbridge... you might have heard of her." She told him as little blood fled from his face at the mention of his probable nemesis. The woman who had turned lives of people like him into hell.

"That's great..." He nodded somberly.

"Oh and I suppose you wouldn't know, I wish you would come with me- and you wouldn't believe-" She rushed in excitement.

"Easy Helena." He laughed. "One word at a time."

"I am here with my son and my husband, in fact it's our first family outing ever since he was born- my son I mean- he's just two months old, his name is Charlie."

"That's wonderful Helena." He beamed at her, feeling genuinely happy for her. "When did that happened?"

"Oh I married Roger back about two years ago... They are at the Zonko's, he insists on showing Charlie the shop knowing fully that he is way too small to understand anything. I believe he had gone for his own benefit."

"You seem happy. I am so glad for you."

"Thank you." She blushed and lowered her eyes. "By the way, what are you doing here of all places-?"

"Remus?" As if on cue, Tonks appeared stepping in hesitantly, her gaze switching between Remus and Helena. Remus saw as her eyes shifting to the hand Helena had placed lightly on his arm. He shifted away from it without being obvious about it.

"Er... Tonks this is Helena- my- er old friend-" He ignored the odd look that crossed over at Helena's features. "-and Helena this is Tonks-"

He worked his mind furiously. Helena was assistant of Umbridge and by experience he knew world was a very small place. "-my friend."

The timid smile left Tonks's face as Remus uttered those words.

"You are keeping an awfully _young_ company Remus." Helena teased him good naturedly. "Nice to meet you Tonks."

"Hey.." Tonks mumbled plainly.

"She's ah- I am teaching Tonks here... charms... her cousin used to be my friend so, I-I just came here, she needed to buy some supplies." Remus finished lamely, realizing how fast he was digging his own grave. He could sense a huge row coming.

"Er, I'll be at the till, I need to pay-" Tonks halfheartedly gestured to the bag in her hand, looking none of them in the eyes and hurried away from them. He didn't miss the hurt and disappointment in her eyes.

"Hey, why don't you come and meet my husband and son?" Helena asked, completely oblivious to the pending storm.

"I-I would have loved to Helena, but I am running late as it is, maybe next time?"

"Yeah may be after another thirteen years?" She rolled her eyes sarcastically.

He chuckled nervously to hide his impatience. "No, I am sure we'll run into each other again someday. Sorry but I got to go. It was nice seeing you. Take care." He rushed and practically ran, not waiting for a reply.

"Excuse me, there was a witch here in blue hair-?" He inquired to the man behind the counter when he saw Tonks was absent from there.

"Eh?" The old man looked up from his newspaper, adjusting his glasses and focusing on Remus.

"A witch with short blue hair?" He almost snapped.

"She's gone I guess, apparated. Looked right pissed that one."

Remus ran without further delay.

He apparated inside the flat just in time to hear Tonks shutting the door of their bedroom behind her with a loud snap.

"Dora..." He placed his ears on the cool wood of the door. "Love, let me explain please..."

When she didn't respond, he unlocked the door with his wand, praying that she wouldn't hex him on sight.

Despite the shining sun outside, the room was plunged in darkness with windows shut, curtain drawn and lights off.

Hesitantly he flicked on the light and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, with her feet clutched to her chest, her back to him.

Ever so slowly, he approached, but just as he was about to place his hand on her shoulder she growled out, reminding him of his wolf counterpart.

"Don't touch me."

And for a second he listened to her.

But then he threw caution to the winds and touched her shoulder anyway.

He almost could have felt her bristling beneath his palm under his touch.

"Dora..." He sat down next to her and started to put his arm around her, but suddenly he was pushed into the mattress with force.

"I said don't touch me! Why are you showing you care anyway? I am just a _friend_ aren't I? _Student_ infact? Because that's what you have been doing all these months... _teaching_ me _charms_ and it meant nothing to you..." She started with high pitch which by the end was turned down to a slow whisper.

"You know that's not true." He spoke helplessly as she strode to the window and crossed her arms.

"Do I?" She asked quietly. "Are you ashamed of me?" She asked abruptly in an even quieter tone that he had to strain his ears to listen.

"Ashamed of _you_?" He almost laughed at the absurdity of the statement. "Dora shouldn't it be other way round?"

"No." She glared at him. "You are the mature and wise one; I am the _kid_ aren't I?

He shook his head. "You are wonderful, perfect, to me anyway."

"Yes, that's why the-the first friend of yours you introduced me to; you introduced me as your student of sort! And in fact she was your _ex_! Is that the reason you didn't want to-" She hissed in a hurtful tone.

"She's married Dora." He sighed and rubbed his face, leaning forward and placing his head in his hands.

"And that bothers you?"

He looked up in surprise. She wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Why would that bother me, love?" He asked gently. "I am happy for her, she has a son; she told me. I am seriously glad that things worked out for her, not that I gave her any thoughts in past few years. Dora, whatever it was, it was a passing fancy love, you know it..." He took a deep breath and continued.

"Before you came, she told me she was working for Dolores Umbridge. And if anyone is there who realizes that how world is such a small place, it's you and me... Ever imagined that what kind of coincidence it was that _we_, both magical people, met in an entirely muggle setting? I meet Black's cousin at a place where I don't expect wizards at all.

And I feared that... with you both in the Ministry, sooner or later she would come to know that you are an Auror trainee... and with Umbridge so obsessed on werewolves, you never know... how things would work..." He didn't elaborate further. She knew what he was trying to say, even if he knew that she didn't agree.

Tonks wasn't in favor of hiding their relationship even from the Ministry, but Remus knew better.

When she didn't respond and kept her eyes fixed on the drawn curtain, observing it with astute observation, he prompted: "Whatever I do, my Precious, is all for your own good." _Even when I know your betterment is not with me, and for your life long happiness I should leave you alone._

"You know I love you Dora, _you know_."

"I am not sure what I know anymore, Remus. I am not sure if you even love me like you say."

Even though her words were quiet, they were clear and slapped him across his face so hard that he could feel the thudding of blood in his ears.

All the color fled from his face, as he stared at her, gob smacked.

He swallowed heavily and uttered a feeble 'Dora...'

She couldn't possibly believe _that_… after all these months, she couldn't possibly _really_ mean _that_, could she? Had he really been that of a prat that the person whom he loved the most on earth and who meant the life to him, would doubt his love for her?

Her words were a huge setback to him and he could feel himself panicking. How could he make her believe, how could he make her trust him?

Did that mean that she didn't trust him as well?

He got up shakily on his feet and walked towards her. "Precious..." he wracked his brains to think of something sensible, to say something trustworthy, but couldn't find right words. One moment, his head would be buzzing with things to say and another moment, it went blank.

"I love you, I do. I have told you that so many times." He cupped her face in his hands, painfully aware of the coldness in them especially when they touched her warm skin. "And I have meant it _each_ time I have said it. I have not been l-lying... whatever I have done... acted in a way you haven't liked... it's-it's because I _care_ for you and I don't want you... I don't- I-I just love you..."

When she wouldn't look at him and kept staring away stubbornly, he felt as if he was about to lose her. He felt like it wouldn't be much longer before she said that she didn't believe him and wanted to end things. Tears of desperation gathered in the corner of his eyes though he was unaware of them. He could clearly hear the painful thuds of his heart.

"Nymphadora, please, believe me..." He made her look at him, urging her face towards him.

She looked at him and her hardened expression softened at whatever she saw in his face. Hesitantly, she touched his hands on her cheeks. "I-I am sorry, I just-" She closed her eyes as a frown appeared between them. "-I didn't mean it; of course I know you love me, you love me the most. I know... I am sorry, I don't know why I said it." She pulled him towards her and he pressed his nose in her hair as they embraced.

He waited for the relief to come from her words, but it didn't. The acute ache in his chest didn't dull. Nevertheless, he hugged her tighter, discreetly wiping his eyes with his fingers.

"I don't know what I'll do- if... if you cease to have faith in me, in my love." His voice was hoarse as he said it.

She stroked his head emphatically, pressing a kiss to the shell of his ear. "I trust you blindly... sometimes… I just say things... in anger or when I am upset... I don't mean them. Sorry."

He took a deep breath and sought comfort in her words and scent.

She kept holding him for a long time as his mind kept pondering over a single question.

_How long until she lost her faith in him for real?_

* * *

_A/N:._

_I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. So there were seventy two visitors on the previous chapter and I got only three reviews! Come on! At least tell me what you thought about the chapter, it won't take much time I am sure. In fact I say if you are not logged in, drop me a review without logging in. It's very much appreciated._

_**adamantfire** : I love long reviews so don't worry about that. I understand what you are trying to say though. One good thing about me is that while writing I realize where I am making mistakes or where it is becoming a bit too much. However one bad thing about me is that despite knowing I am unable to rectify it. Writing is something which gets out of my hand, once I start on something especially Remus and Tonks. I realize when thing becomes 'too fluffy' but the problem is that I already had formed a certain direction for my story and it proves difficult to change it at the last moment even if I know that particular plot is not going good._

_That said however there's one thing I want to clear. I guess you were talking about while she was bitten right? So yes, when she is bitten- yes there is confession from Remus's part but not realization- because there nothing new to realize, he had known all along that he loved her. So he would confess, it was only a matter of time. Even if he was forced to do so._

_Now, I hope you'll like this chapter and I will hope for an honest review on this as well. It is far from annoying :D_

_**remusdora**: Thank you so much. You have been a regular reviewer since my first fic and it means a lot. Though I think you might be a bit biased when it comes to my fics because you are a very strong RLNT shipper just like me :)_

_**GinnyPotter6891**\- Thanks for the review :) I am glad you feel that way. These are just some small incidences through which I am trying to express the root of the problem. I don't want it to appear like they were in a relationship and one day Remus wakes up suddenly realizing he is ruining Tonks's life and leaves. I wanted to show that it was a slow building process._


	13. Stuck on reverse

_Thanks to __**Yoshishisha**__ for the beta!_

* * *

_December 13, 1991_

He scrubbed his coming-of-age-watch with a cloth, trying to remove the grease it had acquired while he had been fixing a tap in the bathroom. He was sitting on the floor, legs crossed, leaning against the sofa as comforting winter sunlight filtered through the curtains. The weather had turned colder and days would pass until they would be graced with decent sunlight to bask in.

Tonks came out of the kitchen, bouncing on her feet and suddenly jumped from in front of him, aiming to hop on the sofa, but nearly knocking him in the nose with her knee.

"Merlin don't do that!" He exclaimed, thankful that he had dodged in time or else he would have been sporting a rather spectacular nose bleed right now.

Tonks, entirely unfazed, wrapped her arms around his neck and legs around his waist from behind. "Mmm hmm." She hummed and kissed sloppily on his cheek.

"What do you want?" He chuckled, secretly pleased as always for being the object of her affections.

"Just-" Kiss "-want-" kiss "-to-" kiss "-love-" kiss "-you." Within seconds she had his whole face covered in tiny kisses.

"Okay... in that case I am not complaining..." He had difficulty speaking as she started kissing his neck, her head bowed and her long yellow hair with orange hue falling in front. She started unbuttoning his shirt, his watch forgotten by his side.

"Isn't it a bit...early...in the morning? We slept late at the night as it is..." He sighed as she raked her nails through his head.

Nuzzling his neck, she stilled her movements. "Tired, love? Or should I say _exhausted_?" She sniggered.

"I must confess I am having a little trouble keeping up with you… you little dexterous monster... but if you keep continuing that way... my opinion might change..." He replied, pinching her nose and he tugged her mouth forward with a hand at the back of her head.

She kissed him ardently, slipping her little devilish tongue inside his mouth. With werewolf reflexes that he barely displayed, he tilted and dragged her to his lap making her squeal.

"Merlin don't do that!" She exclaimed repeating his earlier words. "You gave me whiplash."

Uncrossing his legs, he bent them such that she fell more into him. "You must know better than to entice me..." He pressed their lips together back again.

Kissing her was like transporting to a different universe all together. Sometimes he would kiss her and expect to open his eyes in a world of green fields covered with falling stark white snow.

Her hands caressed his neck as his slipped inside her loose top, touching her soft skin. His insides squirmed in delight as they always did as her lips trailed to his neck. He let his head fall back, a sigh escaping his lips, his eyes closing in bliss. His hands felt her silky back and he groaned out her name as he felt no restraining cloth.

"Oh Dora..." For someone who had started this recently, she was learning fast, leaving him turned on for half of the time. Sometimes, with her around, it was difficult to concentrate on anything else.

She pulled her lips forward and looked at him with half lidded eyes. She was a perfect picture- bright hairs sticking out and all ruffled, lips red, eyes shining and as she bit her lower lip against a bashful grin, he almost took her then and there.

"You make me crazy." He whispered and ruffled her hairs further, making it a huge beautiful mess.

"Before we...erm proceed-" She shifted her hips and his breath hitched. She shoved her hand at the back pocket of her jeans, pulling out three galleons. "Why don't you go Honeydukes and bring your favorite chocolate? Here-" She said handing the coins in his hands. "I know your stock his exhausted."

He stared at the three galleons in his hand as, slowly, the lusty haze lifted from his mind as if doused with icy water.

"I don't need chocolate." He replied quietly, still staring at the coins, almost expecting them to melt under his burning gaze.

"You do... I know you eat it before sleep every night, like a medicine or something... and I would have brought... but I am supposed to finish an assignment today."

He had recently lost his job. This time he had taken a bit more days than usual to recover from the moon, something that had prevented him from going to work. His employer had been fairly annoyed, stating that he couldn't afford to hire someone who was constantly absent for days every month, even if it was due to sickness. The job was unimportant as it was, therefore he had not hesitated in dismissing him and hiring a more efficient and _'healthy'_ person. True, the work hadn't been much and he was overqualified for the job, but it still gave him a little muggle money to live on. He was at least able to feed and clothe himself, sometimes indulging in luxuries like chocolate and drinks. He had even managed to take Dora on a cheap dinner recently. Small mercies, they were but they were something. Plus, it prevented him from sitting idle.

The loss of work had been disheartening and though Dora had been very supportive about it, trying to cheer him all the time, he would often feel the gloom and pressure to find another work settling deep in his heart.

Therefore, he was feeling tetchier than he would have otherwise felt at being given galleons to buy chocolate. It was an indirect implication that he couldn't even afford something so inexpensive. And even though he tried to tell himself that obviously she didn't mean it that way, it didn't calm the slowly bubbling anger.

"I don't have an addiction if that's what you mean." He gently pushed her from his lap.

"Yeah right." He saw her rolling eyes in his periphery.

"I don't want these. I am fine as it is." He stretched out his palm towards her.

"I knew you wouldn't take it straight away." She sighed in annoyance.

He looked in to her eyes. She was sporting a small frown. "Is that why you were being so _affectionate_?" He almost spat the word. "Were you _hoping_ to goad me into submission?"

"What exactly do you mean by _that_?" She spoke slowly, her face settling into a mask of fake calm.

"What I mean is that I don't need charity Tonks!"

She swiftly stood on her feet and shook her head at him. "It's not charity Remus! And how dare you accuse me of trying to goad you?! Do you think I am so shallow? They are just few galleons!" She hissed at him, hurt and anger intermingled in her voice.

"Few galleons?" He too stood and faced her. "Do I look like a beggar to you, whom you saw in passing and decided to offer few coins?"

"For Merlin's sake stop making an issue of this! I just wanted you to have your chocolate!"

"I am perfectly capable of having my _chocolate_; I don't need your _charity_. I am tired of becoming a charity case and I don't intend on becoming one for my own girlfriend! Just because I am unemployed does not means that I have started accepting charity!"

"Stop calling it charity!" She shrieked at him.

"Then what else do I refer it to as?" His own voice rose in retaliation.

"It's nothing! I was trying to be thoughtful, I was trying to cheer you, that was all there was to it. I was trying to _help_!"

He shook his head sadly and looked at her with scornful expression. "Trust you to _help_ me by giving me _money_. You can never _really_ understand my plight Tonks despite you claiming to the contrary. It's so easy for you to offer me money and just expect me to accept it happily to buy such petty stuff as chocolate. I am already living for free as it is at your place... I eat the food that comes from your money. Now you are giving me money for chocolate, tomorrow you'll offer to pay for my clothes and one day I'll just be some crippled totally relying on his girlfriend!"

His statement was met with an icy silence.

"After all this time... I thought you had come to... see this place as your home as well... I didn't know that you still thought it as _my_ place." She spoke ever so quietly, her eyes misting.

"That's your naivety Tonks. Life is not a fairy tale. Just because you are happy and see greenery everywhere does not mean that those around you are basking in happiness as well."

"I thought I made you happy." She whispered looking at him with beseeching eyes.

"I thought you understood." He slapped the money on the table. "Thanks for your _help_." He spoke coldly, and walked briskly from the living room, from the flat without turning back to look at the girl who had succumbed to silent tears.

That night he returned really late. By the time he came, the night lamp of the bedroom was on indicating that though she had gone to bed, she was most likely awake.

On the table was a half eaten pizza, placed in a pizza box, indicating that she had ordered instead of cooking. He understood why though. Cooking was something they did together and if one of them was absent the other would either order or would have takeaway.

He was famished. He hadn't eaten anything since the morning and had been roaming the streets of London ever since without a single penny in his pocket to spare on edible item. Therefore, he grabbed a pizza slice.

He didn't go to the bed that night and instead slept on the sofa, conjuring blankets for himself.

After few minutes the night lamp in the bedroom was switched off.

Next day, he left the flat before she was even awake though he left cooked eggs on the table under a warming charm for her breakfast.

This game of hide and seek continued for four days. They barely saw each other. He would leave before she even woke up and would come back once she had gone back to bed. If by some chance he overslept he would pretend to sleep until he could hear her leaving.

Though one thing was common. One always left the breakfast or dinner for the other. He would often leave breakfast for her on the table while she would leave the takeaway for his dinner. Her unhealthy habits were seriously starting to worry him though.

However, after one day the guilt started to settle in. He would often find himself recalling the hurtful words he had said to her and would internally cringe at the memory of them. He felt deeply ashamed at the way he had spoken to her and the way he had accused her of not understanding.

After two nights, he wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers and snuggle next to her but he had no clue about how to approach the topic or how to mend the damage he had caused.

Despite living under the same roof, he missed her- missed seeing her, missed touching her. One night they both had woken up almost at the same time to have water from the kitchen and had almost bumped into each other. However he had skirted around her with a wide berth as if she was sporting dragon pox. He had cursed himself later though, had cursed himself for not reaching out and grabbing her.

Fifth day, he came back early than usual, expecting to see her sitting on the table and having her dinner.

The flat was empty though.

He waited a long time and started to seriously worry when the clock chimed nine. She generally sent him an owl if she were ever to be late. However, he realized this was not the general situation.

He paced worriedly as various scenarios entered his mind. Was she in trouble? Was she hurt? If someone who knew how fatal her clumsiness could be it was him. Did she come this late daily? Was she sitting at some bar chatting up with a handsome stranger, telling him what a prat of her boyfriend was and how utterly fed up she was…

He shook his head at the absurd scenario.

He was busy musing when the door clicked open and he hastily threw himself on the sofa, grabbing the first magazine his hands could reach. He internally cringed when he saw that it was muggle hairstyling magazine. He recognized many hairstyles he had seen Dora wearing.

He heard her sighing near the door and heard her taking off her cloak.

Slowly, the footsteps came louder though they suddenly halted as she reached the living room. He imagined her staring at him with astonishment on being early for once.

She resumed walking though he heard a change in her gait. Without raising his head he looked up and saw her limping.

His brows furrowed on their own accord as he closed the magazine shut.

Just as he had opened his mouth to call out for her, she wobbled and stumbled to the ground.

"Dora!" He cried out her name in alarm and immediately leapt to help her. Her face was scrunched up in pain and she wouldn't look at him. He half carried and half dragged her to the sofa while she silently accepted his help, leaning heavily on him.

As she sat on the sofa, she closed her eyes and drew a shaky breath. She was obviously in pain.

"What happened?" He asked kneeling in front of her.

She bit her lip as she answered. "Bludgeoning hex…and slicing hex…gone wrong…while practice."

He looked down and saw that she had one ankle bent at an odd angle; maybe she found the position comforting.

Without waiting for the confirmation if that was where she was hurt, he carefully started the task of taking her trainers off.

He unlaced them gingerly, making sure that he applied no unnecessary pressure. The shoe came out loose and he took it off completely.

Rolling off her jeans, he winced as soon as he saw the distorted leg. The area was purple with deep cuts and it looked like it would start bleeding anytime.

"Didn't the Ministry have any healers?" He asked. The wound looked badly tended.

"He was in a hurry so…" She trailed off.

He looked carefully at the injury and tried to think about how to tend to it. Whether to use a bruise remover or Dittany for the cut. What if both reacted badly? He was busy in thought as he took hold of her leg in a gentle hold and stroked it lightly with a finger.

She winced.

"Sorry… Didn't mean to…" He looked up at her apologetically.

"It's okay…" She mumbled, looking away. "At least you are touching me this way…"

His heart sank at the impact of her words and he closed his eyes as he felt overwhelming guilt gnawing at his chest.

She obviously didn't even acknowledge her own words.

"Dora…" He was at loss for words and felt shame prickling on his face at the way he had behaved in the past few days.

He sighed and decided first thing first.

He placed his arms beneath her knee and around her shoulders, picking her up before she could protest.

"Remus! Put me down, I can walk. I walked all over from the Apparition point till here."

"I know and that's probably what made it worse. Besides I won't let you walk when you are injured and _I_ am here." He replied placing her on the bed. Though she sighed in annoyance, he told himself that she was secretly pleased at his fussing.

He attended to her leg, doing his best to heal it. "I hope they have given you a leave tomorrow because there's no way I am letting you go until this heals."

She kept quiet during the whole procedure, almost eerily quiet. But he felt a little relief as the frown of pain on her face vanished as he bandaged the injury.

Cleaning his hands and sending the supplies back to their place, he got up from the foot of the bed and sat beside her.

For a moment he kept staring at her while she resolutely kept staring at the opposite wall.

"Precious…"

"Don't call me that." She snapped suddenly, turning to glare at him.

He winced and closed his eyes at her raised voice.

"Precious." He said again aware that he might be digging his own grave by infuriating an Auror trainee. "I am sorry. And yes I realize I have been doing that a lot lately- apologizing that is- but I am sorry. I said some really hurtful things. Things that I didn't mean, I promise. I was just… feeling really pissed off at my own sorry situation and I took it out on you… You do make me happy. _Very_. My life before you was not worth living but now… it is. Before you, I just existed but now I am _living_. You are the reason for that… and you are not naïve either… sometimes you shock me with the wisdom you possess… I am really sorry, I didn't mean anything I said. I love you, yes, but above that I respect you…" He swallowed and implored further. "Say something?"

She fiddled with the loose thread in the quilt.

He sighed and bent to open the drawer of the bedside table and took out the chocolate which had caused this whole ridiculous row.

"I bought this." He saw her eyes flicking to the chocolate. "From the coins which you gave. I realized that they were just a few coins. It wasn't like you were giving me millions… just a few coins and I made an entire pointless issue of that… I mean, those few galleons won't make me rich nor would they make you poor. That's why I bought these… Pride is good… but I went a bit overboard that day, overreacted…"

He unwrapped the chocolate and broke a small piece of it. He placed it directly in front of her mouth.

And waited for her to eat it.

After a long time of some mysterious contemplations, she bent and took the piece in her mouth. Immediately he felt as if a huge burden has been lifted from his chest and he could breathe freely.

Suddenly the past few days seemed an entire waste of time.

"Don't look so glum. It's not poison I am feeding you."

"Even if it is then at least it's poison of my money and not some charity." She said sarcastically though he could feel she wasn't really serious.

"You are never to going to let me live it down are you?"

"No."

He almost chuckled at her sincere answer.

"You had me… worried." She started, looking overly serious at once. "I- I kept thinking what to do… if I have made some irreparable damage… I mean you never _really_ were angry at me. Even before when we had arguments, you never stopped talking… and when you started sleeping on the sofa… I thought…"

He felt like a right bastard.

"I… was…" He cleared his throat. "feeling so guilty and ashamed of my behavior that I couldn't decide how to apologize this time…" He sighed. "I am sorry, I am such a horrible person…"

"No you are not…" She looked at him with earnest eyes. "You are forgiven. You are a prat but… sweet prat." She gave a small smile.

He suddenly chuckled at her wording.

"What?" She asked with a frown.

He shook his head and pursed his lips to curb the amusement. "You were late and... all sort of things were running into my mind that what possibly could have happened. And for this one absurd moment, I thought you were sitting in a bar, having a drink with some man, complaining what a _prat_ of a boyfriend you had… I immediately dismissed the thought of course."

She rolled her eyes. "I'd rather complain to you about my boyfriend. At least that way there will be some scope of improvement."

"Point taken, Madam."

"I think we should order takeaway."

"No. You have been eating a lot of junk these days. And for a future Auror that's not a healthy diet. Come sit with me in kitchen; that is if you don't want to rest here, and I'll cook up something healthy for us."

"Okay mother. And I don't want to stay here." She nodded solemnly. He pried away the chocolate from her hand that she had taken and wrapped it back in the foil, placing it back in the drawer.

"That's supposed to last fifteen days. I won't have you finishing at once."

"Prat." She muttered as she licked off her fingers.

He picked her up again in his arms to carry her to the kitchen.

"You know, a leg injury is almost worth it if I get to be carried by you all the time. I mean it's a nice feeling… floating in the air."

He kissed her and wiped off a smudge of chocolate at the corner of her mouth.

"Had to last fifteen days." He said as an explanation.

* * *

_January 15, 1992_

"Thank you Phil," Remus sat down on the shabby armchair and picked up the cup of tea.

The elderly man sat in front of him and gave a wry grin. "I would have offered you a drink but it's too early."

Remus sipped the tea and looked around. Phil was a werewolf and nearly sixty years of age. He had been friends with his father. In fact, they had bonded over lycanthropy. When Remus was newly bitten, the hospital authorities weren't of much help. His father had wanted to know everything about being a werewolf and he had pulled out Phil's name out of the werewolf registry.

Phil had been in contact with them ever since. There was no such thing as lycanthropy made easy, but Phil had tried to lessen the blow. He had told his parents what to expect, how to treat him, what to feed him and as such.

Phil would always bring a chocolate for him a day after full moon in spite of being exhausted himself. The ritual had continued until he had gone to Hogwarts.

Since then they grew distant and would converse only occasionally through letters. Though after the death of Potters, even that much of contact had ceased completely.

Therefore it was pure luck and coincidence that he had bumped into Phil this afternoon while he had been in search of some odd job. It had taken him few moments to recognize him because he had looked so _old_. He had a bald patch and what few hairs remained had turned gray. Wrinkles seemed a permanent fixture on his once handsome face while his hands were littered with scars. He walked with a limp and was slow in speed. _Wasted away_, he would say. He would probably look this worn out as well in the upcoming years.

Phil at least had a home. His grandparents had passed onto him a small two- rooms house which ensured that through all the hardships he at least had a roof above his head.

"How have you been?" He asked the man.

"Ah well… same old same old… I am afraid as the year passes it takes more time to recover from the full moons… it's like being a child you know… back then our body was so frail that it took days to recover and same is happening now."

Remus nodded his understanding. He feared his old age like one would fear death.

"As on employment front?" He asked Phil with a bitter smile.

"Well… I live like a muggle, it's easier that way. When I don't come out of my house for days, the neighbor just think that my arthritis is troubling me… beside the other days I am able to walk, I sell ice cream… my employer is kind enough to allow days leave…advantages of being a senior citizen." He chuckled darkly. "It gets me by though… enough to feed me… It's been lonely Remus…. I heard about Potters, saw it in newspaper and I didn't expect much to remain in contact with you after that… I was terribly sorry… haven't been much in contact with your father either… I am sorry I wasn't able to attend… funeral of your mother as well…"

Remus simply nodded as the years of struggle and bad memories settled around him like a dementor.

"Look on the bright side Phil…you are doing well in your age given your condition. You give me hope."

"I heard about wolfsbane…"

This time Remus laughed without any humor. "Right. A potion to help werewolves. So expensive that they can never afford it, given the laws. If this isn't irony, I don't know what is."

"Maybe someday… things will change for good. Maybe wolfsbane will become cheaper and laws lenient. Though I doubt I will live to see those days."

"I doubt I will be alive either."

Silence settled around them.

"Look at us! We meet after years and all we discuss is morbidity… Tell me something…"

They reminisced over the cup of tea and biscuits. He was glad that he had met Phil. He was ashamed to admit that over the course of time he had barely given him any thought.

"What's that?" Remus asked and pointed towards an envelope thrown carelessly in the corner of the worn sofa boring the crest of Ministry.

"Ah…" The small smile vanished from Phil's face as he looked over at what Remus was pointing. His face darkened.

"Don't suppose you received one?"

"No…?"

"You didn't get registered did you?"

He shook his head.

When Phil was bitten at the age of fifteen, it had caused quite uproar in the Ministry and he had been forced to register. However, Remus's father had been able to hide Greyback's attack from the officials which had prevented him from registering. His father had always said that registration was what had made Phil's life impossible and he wanted his son to lead as normal a life as possible. This was a reason Remus's lycanthropy had been a secret from many for years.

"Well what is it?" The expression on Phil's face was disconcerting.

"It's addressed to the werewolves… registered ones… just to inform them that-" Here he hesitated.

"That?"

"that those in contact with werewolves… that is normal civilians in contact with werewolves, if found of such… they'll have to explain their relationships."

"_What_?!" He exclaimed. His tea slouched as he slammed it on the table. His mind immediately clouded with concern for Dora.

"Yes… I mean people need to have a solid and justified reason for being in contact with us…I mean- it's okay for the parents to be in the contact with the werewolves… as they would naturally know their son before the bite… It's that person should know you before the bite and they should have sufficient evidence to prove it. Those in contact with the werewolves after they had been bitten…. Will have to answer their actions. And if they are unable to, they'll be suspicious of questionable allegiance."

Remus's hands grew cold and blood fled from his face. His hands found their way to his hairs and he tugged at them desperately. "Why? Why this?"

"There have been werewolves attack recently… besides does Ministry needs reason to harass people like us?"

"It's not in the newspaper."

"Announcements like these are never made public knowledge, son… not when they know they are being unfair."

Remus felt a dull ache creeping in his head. His senses were engulfed with need for Dora. He needed her. He suddenly felt as if he was standing on the edge of a cliff with the tips of her fingers clutched in his hands which would slip any moment.

"Remus?" Phil enquired softly when he didn't respond.

"I have a girlfriend Phil." Remus looked up and stared in to the elder man's eyes with what he knew was a panicked and helpless look.

Phil looked shocked and gaped at him for few seconds. "That's wonderful Remus…"

"No it's not." He stood up like an agitated animal. "She knows I am werewolf- She-she loves me just as much as I love her… But- but she's training to be an Auror! It's her first year."

He rounded and hoped for some words of comfort though he knew there was nothing Phil could do.

"Phil… how will she ever be… able to explain herself… she wasn't even born when I was bitten… there's no way we would be able to lie around this… if it ever were to come out that I was a werewolf… Her career will be destroyed before it's even started…"

"Sit down Remus, calm down." Phil stood and placed a withered hand on his shoulder, guiding him to the sofa.

"Listen Remus… I-I understand the situation… but there must be some way… You can say you were family friends. Friends with her parents."

He almost felt like crying. "Her parents- her mother at least, hates me. She'll never stand for us. She'll be glad even… if we were to break apart. I heard her say so once. And to add to it- Dora-my girlfriend, she's second cousin to Sirius Black. People already question her as it is for Blacks being her relatives. Imagine the riot it would cause if her affiliation with a werewolf was known… and being an Auror is not just… a profession for her. It's her dream. She would be heartbroken…if-if… and somewhere along the lines, it has become _my_ dream too… tell me what do I do Phil…what do I do?"

"You must talk to her about this… the way you tell it, she obviously doesn't care about your lycanthropy."

"That's half of the problem… She'll never let me leave… it will destroy her…"

"Don't think of leaving Remus. Believe me I know what I am talking about. You are lucky to have a love like that… if you let it go… you'll waste away in loneliness…"

"I'll waste away if I become the cause of her pain." He sighed and clutched his hairs in a desperate grip.

"Make sure then that your lycanthropy remains secret."

"You don't believe that Phil. It's not possible. I want to marry her… and I know she wants too. Not now but when she becomes an Auror… It will come out when people will ask what her husband does…"

"Whatever you do, don't leave her… I'll say talk to her… it's her for to decide as well."

He nodded though he wasn't sure what he was agreeing to. Deep down in his heart, he knew the time has come. The time that he had been dreading so much has come. The time when one of them will have to leave.

"I need to leave."

"Okay… but don't take any hasty decisions, Remus."

He didn't have any real memory of reaching home that day. All he remembered was that he had walked miles, thinking furiously with his heart in his throat.

They had been so happy together. Recently, they had celebrated their first Christmas together and it was the best one he'd had in years. Though she had gone for dinner to her parents house and he was not invited (something which hadn't escaped his notice inspite of Andromeda knowing of his relationship with her daughter). But he hadn't paid heed because he had been deliriously happy that he wouldn't have to celebrate Christmas alone but with his love instead.

While she had been at her parents, he had made her favorite pudding as she had promised to have desserts with him. She had returned before mid night and they had sat on the sofa which now bore so many memories, in front of the fireplace with fairy lights twinkling around their heads.

As an unwritten rule, none of them had brought gift for the other, but he had made another bouquet for her knowing how much she had loved the first one. This bouquet had taken place next to the first one which looked fresh as ever before under the preservation charm. For his present she had bought herself a lace negligee; something which she had put on for him and he'd had a hard time maintaining blood level in his head.

Later, they had made sweet love and had spent hours awake till the morning, succumbing to sleep in each other's arm.

At the new years, Dora's muggle friends had invited her to a beach party to which she had dragged him despite his initial reluctance. But the atmosphere had been contagious and he hadn't been able to stop himself from joining others in their celebrations.

Later he had apparated her to the same beach he had taken her on their first date and had continued their private celebration there.

And now, he'll have to give it up all.

Just the thought knocked all breath out of him. The idea of separation was _unbearable_.

At the end, he decided to wait. This was something important and, as Phil had said, he couldn't take hasty decisions.

* * *

_February 9, 1992_

"Remus come to bed." Dora sauntered towards him, throwing her arms around his neck as he dried off the dishes with slow deliberation.

He gave her a tight lipped smile, which she didn't notice. "Just few are left."

She kissed his cheek, her lips lingering. "Come soon okay? I am waiting." She whispered in his ear.

Just as she was about to pull away, he caught her waist. "Dora…"

"What?" She looked at him imploringly, with her eyes twinkling and a smile stretching her lips.

What he wouldn't have given to just stand there and stare into her soulful eyes. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he needed to tell. "I-I love you, okay? I always want you to remember that." He abandoned the glass he was wiping and cupped her face with his damp hands. "Whatever… I mean… I love you like I have loved _no one else_. You are my life, my reason to live… _never_ doubt that."

She looked perplexed and a little worried. "Remus, is everything alright?"

He swallowed a lump in his throat and forced a smile on his face. "Why, aren't I am allowed to woo my love occasionally with the romantic in me?"

"Any time love." She murmured into his skin as she rose on her toes slightly to kiss his forehead. "You'll never find me complaining. And just for the record, I love you as well."

He stared at her for a moment with nothing but pure love in his eyes. "Go." He pushed her away gently. "I'll be there in few minutes."

"I will be waiting!" With that she walked away from the kitchen, leaving Remus to battle the tears welling up in his eyes, all alone.

It had been few weeks since he had seen Phil and had found out about so called new developments. Ever since he had felt a continuous invisible monstrous hand squeezing his neck, keeping its hold on him firm enough to suffocate him, but not completely.

Every day he had died a little inside whenever Dora had told him how much she loved him and how much life without him seemed impossible to her. He had continuously struggled with himself to hide the truth from her.

The situation had only worsened ever since. He had read a bone chilling news in Daily Prophet on an unimportant page, in a corner just a small paragraph on how a couple had been taken into custody for consorting with a known werewolf without any justified reason. They were accused of partaking in suspicious activities. The news was small enough to miss a normal person's eyes. But it hadn't escaped Remus's desperate gaze.

He had been frantic to say the least. He had started becoming extra cautious whenever he would step out of the flat. He would disillusion himself and would only drop the charm when he had walked off a good mile away from the home. He was being paranoid, he knew it because after all his lycanthropy wasn't a public knowledge. But he didn't want to take any risk. Moreover, he had stopped going out with Dora even to muggle places in the fear of meeting someone they knew and asking unwanted questions about him. He had given her good excuses every time she had wanted to go out and he knew she had believed him. But he also knew that it wouldn't be long before she knew something was off with him.

The newspaper had distinctly lacked off any news ever since. He had then, in frenzy, had approached few of his contacts from the Order in secret. They had told him that this whole business was being kept especially hushed up and Ministry was careful for the Prophet to not to publish any new developments.

Overall, he knew his Dora was in deep trouble. All it would take was for someone from her department to recognize him.

And even if she wasn't in trouble right now, she would be sooner or later. And he had been only able to find out one solution.

The solution which he had unsuccessfully tried to apply two times before.

The solution was to leave her. The realization had crushed him that he would have to leave the only thing that had taught him to live and love. But it was also clear in his conscience that he would do _anything_ for her. He wouldn't let anything destroy her.

Ever since, he had been living on edge. He had been trying to capture each moment in his heart and had spent every moment in loving her and telling her so.

One night when he had tried to leave, she had turned around and had thrown her arm on his stomach in her sleep. He had ended up abandoning his departure for that day and had pulled her closer, burying his nose in her hairs.

The other day she had woken up while he was getting up and had asked where he was going in the middle of the night. He had bent down and had kissed her brow telling her to go to sleep as he was just fetching a glass of water. She had fallen asleep before he had left the room. However, he hadn't been able to leave on that day as well.

Everyday was a battle for him. Whenever he would think that this was the night, she would wake up or turn in her sleep or would call out his name and his all defenses would crumble down.

However, today he had a feeling. It was awfully quiet today and looked like as if a storm was brewing.

He walked into the bedroom with dreaded anticipation.

She was wearing that lace negligee she had brought for herself on Christmas as a present for him. Seeing her in it always made his heart beat faster. However today, it almost made him cry. He had a feeling that it was the last time he was seeing her in it.

He reached the bed and pressed his lips to hers in a desperate kiss before she even could say a word. She melted into him and he sank into her.

He made love with desperation of a man dying. He made love as if his body was on fire and he was burning from within. He made love as if it was the last time. Which it probably was. He knew the day had come. In midst of touches and kisses his eyes welled up twice, each time he squeezed his eyes and forced them back.

He won't be able to survive without her, he knew it. Yet he had to it. For her. Anything for her. Even if it killed him.

Later she was snuggled into him when he asked her: "Everything okay with your training?"

"Mmm hmm." She rubbed her nose to his jaw and answered as she stroked his chest with her hand. He just hoped she wouldn't notice his irregular beating of heart. "You know… I like it… that day I told you about the thief we caught? It felt nice. I felt at peace and we all trainees celebrated even though it was just some petty thief but it felt good to… bring justice."

"I know." He kissed her head. That's why he was doing this because he knew how important it was to her.

With each tick of the clock the feeling of utter panic and franticness aroused in him.

"Even though the training is tiring… Like I am tired now…" She yawned and his grip on her tightened as he silently pleaded in his mind: _Please don't sleep, please stay awake… just a little more, please don't sleep yet… I don't want to leave you…_

"-I like it."

He sighed as she pressed a kiss to his shoulder and felt the cool stone of the pendant he had gifted her.

"Give me a hickey." He blurted out.

She laughed and raised her head to look at him. "What?"

"Hickey. Love bite."

"Where did that came from? Showing your deviant side?"

_No, I just need some physical evidence of you… on me… even if it will fade in few days…_

"Come on, don't be a spoil sport."

She grinned cheekily at him, a smile which sent a stabbing pain to his heart. How could he leave this behind?

She bent and licked his neck, circling the spot with her tongue. She bit it slowly and then sucked on the skin, biting slightly.

"It's a nice red color…" She mumbled as she withdrew and fingered the new red spot. Without prompting she gave him another one on collar bone.

"Thank you."

She laughed. A nice music filled laughter. "Only you would thank for a love bite, Remus…"

"Yes but… thanks for… everything…"

"No, Remus, thanks to you… you make me so happy you have no idea. I don't know what I would have done without you."

He closed his eyes in helplessness at her statement.

He breathed in her scent deeply and told her. "Remember what I said… I love you, always and will love you forever… Are-are you going to sleep?"

"Mmm… aren't you sleepy love?" She spoke drowsily.

"Sleep." He rubbed her arm and drew her closer. "Sleep…Precious…"

She was exhausted. Within minutes she was asleep.

He laid there for hours as his tears silently seeped in to the pillow. She was so close to him, but he already felt so away from her.

He slowly pulled away, hoping against hope that she would wake up, would ask where he was going just so he could postpone his departure to some other day.

She remained asleep.

He spent few lengthy minutes staring at her, taking in her every feature, every rise and fall of her chest, her scent…

Slowly he raised his hands and brushed her hairs away from her face. "Dora…" He whispered. "Precious I am leaving…" His whispered voice broke as few more tears fell on the pillow.

He almost shook her awake. Almost.

Drawing the blankets tighter around her bare shoulders, he tucked her in for the last time. He bent and pressed a feather light kiss to her forehead and lips.

"Please be strong… I know it will hurt you, my leaving… but I'll remember you… pray for you every moment… I hope you fair ten times better than me… I hope you'll find it in you to forgive and f-forget me. I love you, my love… my sweetheart… My Precious Dora…I am so sorry…" he broke into silent sobs, almost wanting her to wake up and ask him what was wrong.

But she was exhausted he knew and therefore she remained asleep.

He wiped his face and got up from the bed. He untangled his clothes from hers on the floor, painfully aware of every little thing he was going to miss. He opened the wardrobe and picked up his battered suitcase under it, packing his clothing with a single flick of his wand. Another flick, and other utilities came flying to him.

He proceeded to the table and picked up a spare parchment and a muggle pen.

He was unable to write anything because of his badly shaking hands. And the parchment was wet with tears anyway.

Besides, what could he say? How should he apologize for being the bastard that had almost ruined her life? How could he apologize for making her fall in love with him only to leave? How could he explain to her that both his leaving and staying were going to hurt her? How could he tell her that he was wrong for her on so many levels?

He had taken this decision now, but it had been building for months. He couldn't have forced her to keep her relationship hidden from the world forever. She was a wonderful girl; she didn't deserve to be kept hidden as some dirty little secret. His financial inability didn't help the matters either. Moreoever he saw how taxing the full moons were on her. How could he force such burdens on her? Still he could compromise. But these new rules? How could they possibly overlook this?

He sighed and vanished the wet parchment.

He looked at her one last time. Just one last kiss…

He bent and kissed her lips, not caring that she might wake up. He inhaled deeply, feeling her around him for the last time. Knowing that where he was going, there was a possibility that he would never see her beautiful face again. His heart ached with realization of how broken hearted she would be to realize that he had left her without even decency to leave her a single note. In that moment he had never hated Greyback more.

Looking into her closed eyes, he wanted to die. He had no will to live anymore. Even after all these years, he had carried on somehow but he knew he wouldn't be able to manage this time.

There was no life for him without her.

Suddenly he straightened up and almost ran out from the apartment. He was afraid if he looked back just one more time, he would lose his nerve.

As he walked below the building, soaking in pouring rain, looking with longing eyes at the window of the home he had just left his life behind in; he wanted nothing more than to run back to her.

"Goodbye my love." He walked away in the heavy rain, perfect picture of man utterly defeated from life, his heart shattering into million pieces with each step he took away from her, his tears intermingled with the rain.

He thought of how lost she would be once she would realize that the man who had promised to stay with her forever had left without so much as a goodbye.

He realized two things as well.

First, he had just done the most _selfless_ thing of his life.

Second, in doing so he had made the biggest _mistake_ of his life.

* * *

_A/N: writing this last memory after writing all those happy memories made me incredibly sad. I hope his pain goes away soon._

_I also hope this makes clear the final blow which sort of sealed his actions of leaving her. Also, this was the last chapter of 'past'._

_Anyways, thanks for reviews :)_


	14. The devil within

_This is the first present timeline chapter after all the past ones. Before you read however, I'd like to remind you of where we left._

_Chapter nine: … And hearing it directly from her mouth, her appraisals of other men, granted they were celebrities, (celebrities which she would be meeting personally and in all truth she deserved no less than a celebrity) had only fueled his fire._

_He had to stop himself, he had to stop his mouth from speaking something that he would forever regret, he had to stop his hand from reaching out for her which he knew would be slapped away in rejection, he had to stop his eyes from seeking out her face everytime, everywhere…_

_He just had to stop himself; he just had to stop the dam within him from breaking or else he would be blown away in the flood of emotions only to never stand back again…_

_Thanks to **Yoshishisha** for beta!_

* * *

Tonks happily twirled around the silver encrusted wall sized mirror of the Blacks on which she had placed a silencing charm when the obscenities and lecherous comment from it had become a bit too much. She observed how time changed. When she had been little, she used to wear her mother's dresses in secret (which covered her completely), morphing long waist- length hair and would spent hours admiring herself in front of the mirror. Many years later she still stood in front of the mirror, admiring herself; however, now the dress was shortest one could imagine- it almost bordered on being indecent and she knew it, in fact she took _pride_ in it- along with hair barely reaching her shoulders.

She scarcely got reasons to act girly. Being an Auror had intensified her hoydenish behaviour. She had learned to be tough, resilient and determined or else she could never have survived in a male dominated Auror Department.

Her tough exterior showed in her appearance as well. She had taken to wearing short hair so that longer one wouldn't get in her face while duelling. She wore trainers or boots which made it easier to walk on slippery ground or trek on alleviated surfaces. She wore jeans and t-shirt instead of traditional robes so that they wouldn't tail behind on ground while tracking someone in secret. She knew she sometimes sat and walked like men, having worked with them for so long. Sometimes it became difficult to hold on to her true identity. And being a metamorphmagus didn't help the matters.

She lived like an Auror and not just during her duty hours. Therefore she was more than a little happy today to dress like any normal woman of her age would on such occasion. She was trying to bring out her feminine side that is if she still possessed a _feminine_ side after being around with men for so long.

She had borrowed Amy's dress for the occasion. Amy had bought this one about six years ago and had worn only once, therefore it looked brand new. She had assured her that this kind of dress was always in trend and was perfect for the kind of party she was going to.

The dress was a beautiful shade of red- wine red- the one that contrasted with her pale skin in wonderful ways. It was a sheath sleeveless dress and came up to the middle of her thighs which gave her a chance to show off her legs. But what Tonks liked most about the dress was its sweetheart neckline, which stuck to her chest like a second skin. To top it off, the back had a zipper which came up to only the middle of her back allowing her to flaunt her upper back.

_However_ what secretly thrilled her was her new backless, strapless, padded skin colored bra. According to her it was the most paramount invention in the history of female garments, even if it did cost a fortune. She was amazed that how such a small thing could make her feel so confident.

Rightfully, she knew she should wear heels with this attire but she wasn't feeling particularly adventurous. Besides what fun would she have if half of the time she would be on floor? Therefore she picked up black wedges with low heels; enough to pull off the party look, but also enough to keep her feet on ground.

To say she was excited would have been an understatement. She just couldn't wait to get to the party and lay her eager eyes on Sebastian Wilson, Asher Martin, Heathcote Barbary… and who knew how many more handsome sexy men. It had been ages since she had been to a party especially to one as high profile as this one. Even Amy had been jealous when she had heard about it.

She picked up her small sling bag, throwing it over her shoulder and taking one long last look at herself. She righted her hair and morphed it to black. Black looked better on this dress rather than the chestnut brown.

Making sure she had everything in place, she grabbed the door's knob.

Due to special circumstances, she had to get ready at Headquarters. The power supply in her building had been cut off at the last moment due to some technical error, plunging her flat in darkness and she had panicked. She could have gone to Hestia's but she preferred getting ready alone. She could have gone to her parents' as well but she didn't want her mother fussing. Her mother would have forced her to wear copious amount of make up on her face, something that she loathed. All other places had been out of option as well. Therefore, as a last resort she had came here. Since it was the weekend and no meeting was scheduled for the day, the headquarters was vacant barring Sirius and Buckbeak.

She clicked the door open and winced as it creaked. In quiet of the evening, the sound ricocheted off the walls more. Her room was on second floor and she knew the room adjacent to hers was that of Sirius; though whether he was in his room or with Buckbeak, she was unaware. She thought of seeing him to say hello but dropped the notion. She wasn't sure how he would take to the idea of her partying when he was scooped up at the house all alone.

As she moved to descend the stairs, a door behind her squeaked on its hinges, the sound immediately followed by a bawdy whistle.

She turned around to give Sirius an exasperated smile.

"My… My… isn't someone looking _hawt_!" Sirius spoke animatedly, with a teasing glint in his eyes. She was glad that he wasn't ignoring her as he had taken to doing after the kids had left.

"Sirius…" She rolled her eyes and looked away as she felt a blush coloring her cheeks. But she couldn't deny the genuine smile that crept on her face.

"Mmm hmm… Are you sure you are Nymphadora Tonks? 'cause the one I saw entering the place two hours ago bore a different appearance entirely." He stuffed his hand in his pocket, leaned against the wall and wiggled his eyebrows. "I ought to ask you a security question you know."

"Well, I'll prove you my identity, dear cousin don't you worry. Because it's only me who knows about the shoebox under your bed which contains a picture of you dressed as a-"

"Alright alright. No need to take it personally." He grumbled but then his expression softened."You look- I won't say nice because that would be too typical. You look something much more than nice. I bet all those guys will be fawning over you tonight!"

"That's the plan." She winked.

"Oh my cousin's daughter is all grown up! I miss the little girl in pink pigtails."

She rolled her eyes again and told him: "I should be going. You will be alright on your own won't you? You have dinner ready?" She asked, feeling suddenly worried. He had continuous supply of food yet he wasn't exactly fattening up.

"I'll be fine. Besides-"

Before he could say anything further, the third and the last door on the floor opened with more force than necessary. Had she not been away from the stairs, she really would have tripped down them. Hadn't she thought that there was no one in the house other than Sirius?

Remus stepped out of the room, looking uncommonly tense.

"Er... Wotcher Remus." She mumbled. She hadn't counted on him being here and seeing her- all dolled up. She had thought that he was off to his regular Order missions. When did he arrive here? He looked utterly dishevelled with the top two buttons of his shirt undone, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, hair sticking out and barefoot.

"Hello." He nodded once, not looking her in the eye.

"As I was saying-" Sirius said. "I'll be fine as Remus is here with me and I made him bring takeaway so off you go Tonks. We'll be fine."

She smiled at Sirius. At least he had his friend now, and he looked in better mood. She smiled at Remus, albeit a bit hesitantly and was shocked when she found him staring at her face unflinchingly. Something about his expression was disconcerting.

"Okay then. Bye!" She said and turned around.

"That dress is way too short for you." A cold voice called from behind her and she turned again half in surprise and half in astonishment. She thought she had misheard.

"Excuse me?" She furrowed her brows. She saw Sirius straightening up and switching his gaze between them.

"I said-" Remus started, his voice clear and loud…and _stony_. "-that dress is way too short for you. It _shows_ more than it covers." He looked at her dress with something akin to detest.

"Okay… Grandpa…" She hadn't exactly expected him to compliment her but hadn't expected this either. Annoyance and irritation clouded her mind at his statement. Who the hell did he think he was telling her what she shouldn't wear? Her own father never pin pointed it out; not because he always approved but because he knew that she was a grown up and would take her own decisions. Yes, grandfather might have objected because he was old fashioned and he would always see her as his little granddaughter who never grew up.

"I am not kidding." He snapped. "It's already eight in the night. And god knows when you plan to return- it's- it's not safe!"

"Remus-" Sirius spoke up.

"Don't _you_ interfere in this." Remus retorted.

"I am an Auror Remus; I know how to take care of myself." She shot back. Her annoyance was transforming into anger.

"It's not just about you. It's about the safety and secrecy of the Order as well. If something happens to you, you will be jeopardizing the whole Order-"

"Will you listen to yourself?" She asked incredulously. "I am just going to a party damn it! How does that jeopardize the Order?"

"Oh really?" He took two steps forward and stared into her eyes with a look that screamed disapproval. "Where's your wand then? I cannot see it anywhere on you; not that there's much space to accommodate."

She glared at him for solid fifteen seconds and then grabbed her sling bag. Her anger made it difficult to accomplish even a small task of opening the zipper with simplicity. Since the bag was smaller, she had shoved the wand diagonally to adjust, it got caught in the bag and she took a moment to fiddle it out.

"Really Tonks!" He shook his head and for a fleeting moment he reminded her of her mother chiding her in front of the whole family when she had been ten and in zeal she had poured salt in tea instead of sugar. That had been humiliating for a ten year old and _this_ was humiliating for a twenty three year old. "You mean to tell me that if someone sends out a _stupefy_ at you, you'll open your bag and take a whole minute to pull out your own wand? By the time you'll have your wand in your hand, you'll be captured or worse! I at least hope Hestia has more sense than you!"

A mixture of embarrassment, humiliation and hurt blazed inside her. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself but to no avail. "Listen Remus-" She started in low voice. "It's been a very _very_ long time since I have been to a party let alone to a party like this. I have been looking forward to this for whole week because I just need a god damn break! Don't you dare- don't you _dare_ spoil it for me before it has even begun!" She finished with a shout.

They glared at each other for good few seconds with Sirius lingering behind them awkwardly but they paid him no heed. Then Remus spoke ever so softly, yet his voice dripped with such venom that it sent daggers to her heart.

"Of course you wouldn't want me spoiling it. There will be guys _fawning_ over you after all." Oh so he _had_ overheard her and Sirius's brief conversation. His eyes glittered, much in a way Snape's did sometimes and the look of coldness sent a shiver down her spine. She never would have imagined that he still held that power in her. "That's why you are so dressed up aren't you? That's why you have been so _eager_ for this party whole week." He hissed.

The sickly yellow glow of the lamp on the wall, casted a pale light on him, blurring everything in the background. Or maybe it wasn't the lamp that was blurring the background for her. Maybe it was her single minded focus on Remus that all she could see was him and his stony face.

"Who are you Remus? _My_ _boyfriend_?" She growled her hands clenched in fist.

"I was once!" He snapped back. But the look that crossed his face immediately after it, said that he regretted it instantly the words left his mouth.

_That_ was what did it.

His acknowledgement that he indeed had been her boyfriend. That they had once shared a relationship that went beyond the scope of co-workers.

Suddenly indignation filled her. How dare he tell her that he had been her boyfriend? How dare he object to her ways on the virtue of being her _ex_-boyfriend? How dare he think he had _any_ right when he had left her so mercilessly?

"Oh yes…" She said as she moved one step forward, lessening the distance between them further. "You were my boyfriend…and what a _boyfriend_ you had been Remus…"

"Tonks I am s-"

"Oh you are sorry now? Whatever for?" She spoke in mock confusion. She must have looked menacing for his expression turned grave. "For saying it out loud that once you were my boyfriend or are you apologizing for what happened three years ago? Aren't you a _little_ late?"

"Please-"

"DID YOU EVER REALIZE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?!" She screeched and the entire manor fell into deep a silence. She was sure all of them present could hear ringing in her ears. Dimly she was also glad that they were away from Mrs. Black. She wouldn't have been able to tolerate her obscenities at that moment.

Remus started back at her now with uncertain eyes, his demeanor changing as the coldness left his face to be replaced by penitence. He swallowed.

"Does Sirius here- or anyone who thinks what a _humble_ and _decent_ human being you are- and that includes everyone in the Order- do they know what you are really capable of? Do they know how utterly capable you are of destroying a life and you don't even need a full moon for that!" She spat at him. Every bit of anger, hatred and insecurity that she had hidden well inside her for past few years came to the surface. Every ugly emotion that she was unaware she still carried within her mingled together and reared up like a monster lifting its head to snap at its prey.

"Cousin, please let it go." Sirius's soft voice wafted towards her and she rounded to him.

"That's exactly what I have been doing for years Sirius! Letting it go! Merlin knows how hard I have tried. Then who the hell does he thinks he his- who gave him this right to make me feel so _small_\- ALL OVER AGAIN!"

"Tonks." Remus's voice broke the fierce gaze she had fixed on Sirius and her eyes flicked to his. "Whatever happened, whatever I did, you have no idea how truly sorry I am…" His eyes were pleading but she couldn't really notice that with unclear mind.

"I have no idea?" She questioned, pointing her index finger to herself. "You really have a nerve saying that. Because if it is anyone who has faced the brunt of all this, it's _me_ Lupin! It's me!"

Her mind flashed back to the day of February ten, 1991 when she had woken up to an empty bedside, thinking that maybe he had gone to pick some flowers for her from nearby garden like he so often did.

"You at least had the luxury of knowing _where_ you were! You had the luxury of knowing _why_ you left me! But I? I was left with nothing! Nothing but the horrible emptiness inside me." She raked her hand through her head, spoiling the careful hairstyling of her bangs. "I-I went mad." Suddenly her voice sounded small to her own ears and she wondered if the other two could even hear her.

"I woke up… thinking you'd be back… I thought you had merely forgotten to leave a note this time… I waited, but you didn't come back…" She took a shuddering breath and felt the despair washing on her. Words came out of her mouth without her approval. "I was getting late so I left for my classes… but when I came back…" She stared at the cemented floor with concentration as if she could see it all over again like a movie. "You still weren't there… and I waited… waited and _waited_… I couldn't understand what to do… I couldn't ask for help after all no one knew I even had a boyfriend let alone that I was living with someone…" She looked up to see him staring at her with anguished eyes. "Somehow I spent that night, pacing and worrying… hoping against hope that you were just stuck somewhere and were unable to contact me. You know what I thought? I thought… that something has happened to you… I was scared to death…" She felt tears dropping from her eyes and rolling down her face that she had spent minutes cleansing.

"Next morning, I called for my mother. It-it was her who suggested that I look into the wardrobe for your belongings."

Remus opened his mouth as if to say something but at the end simply swallowed. She looked at Sirius to see him hearing her with rapt attention.

"I was horrified of course when she said that." She continued, remembering how she had reacted to her mother's suggestion. "I accused her of… I accused her that she never wanted for Remus to be with me anyway and that she must be celebrating inside…. But yet when she insisted, I threw open the wardrobes to show her how wrong she was… but oh it was me who had gotten it wrong _all_ _along_…" She trailed off as she stumbled back towards the wall and saw as both men stepped forward as if to grab her but halted when they saw her leaning against the wall. She felt same melancholy settling around her all over again.

She swallowed and continued. "I had imagined that she would rave at me, she would taunt that she had been right but… she was uncommonly supportive… maybe she understood what it was like to have a broken heart. That day never once did she say anything against you… all she did was contact my father and let me lean on her shoulder… I was numb… I couldn't understand what had happened. All I could think that previous night you had been fine, we had been fine…"

She had no idea why she was telling him this. It wasn't as if he cared or he deserved to know. But she felt the inexplicable need to get it off her chest. Shouldn't he at least know the consequences of his own actions?

"I… I thought it was all a bad dream and that I would wake up to find you beside me and then we'd laugh together at the absurdity of my dream… but I never woke up from that dream and I have been living in that nightmare ever since." Her throat felt tight as she closed her eyes and few more tears slipped down her face. Somewhere far she could hear Kreacher muttering and Buckbeak snoring.

When she opened her eyes, she had regained some semblance. "But I didn't give up."

She saw Remus staring at the floor, fiddling with his sleeve. He looked up in part surprise.

"Did you think I would never look for you?" She asked though didn't expect a reply. "That day I sent my worried parents back telling them that I'll be fine and then… then I went to the Ministry… when Mad-Eye saw me, he immediately knew something was wrong but… he instead asked me that why I wasn't on time… do you know there's a reason he respects me so much…"

_Tonks was acutely aware how shabby she looked, with blotchy face, untidy hair and she hadn't even taken a bath. Hell__,__she hadn't even brushed her teeth. But with Remus missing, hygiene was the last thing on her mind. After all her heart was breaking inside. She was confused yet she was determined. She had to find Remus. And she will._

_"Sir, I need to talk to you." Tonks spotted Alastor Moody talking to an old wizard in a corner._

_He looked her up and down, his eyes observing her. "Why aren't you on time? You are four hours late." He growled out but the characteristic bark for which Moody was famous for, was missing his tone._

_"I need to talk." She repeated and tried not to look intimidated. He always freaked her out a bit but she would never admit that. Also, if there was anyone who could help her, it was him. Remus had told him that they had been in the first Order together and what the old Auror was exactly capable of._

_Moody nodded. "That's it Diggle." Without waiting for a reply from the Diggle man, he started moving towards his office not waiting for Tonks to follow._

_"What is it?" He asked gruffly as soon as they had reached his office and he had sealed the door._

_Suddenly she was a lot less confident. However she took a deep breath and spoke up:_

_"I need help. My boyfriend- he had been living with me for past few months but- but he has been missing since last morning. I need help to find him."_

_His eyes swirled in his socket. "File an official inquiry then in MLE."_

_She shook her head slightly. "You- no he's not missing… he… he left." She swallowed a lump and looked away as her eyes welled up. It was still uncomprehending that her Remus, her loving and caring Remus could leave her like that. There had to be more than that. He just loved her too much to hurt __her__in this way. "He's gone. He never informed. I woke up and he wasn't there and his belongings are gone as well…"_

_"Then he has acted on his free will! There's nothing Ministry can do!" He snapped and tapped his foot impatiently._

_"I know that's why I came to you Sir…please… It's necessary that I find him… You told us few days ago that you'll be teaching us a tracking technique… that will help up in tracking or following someone. I want you to come with me, to my flat." She took a deep breath and uttered out the favor she needed from him. "I want you to track him."_

_He glared at her enough to make her uncomfortable more than usual. "Do I look like an agony aunt to you Tonks?! Do you really think I have so much time to go and search for people's boyfriend so that they can solve their petty love issues?"_

_"Please Sir… you are my last hope. This is really important."_

_"What is really important for you is to concentrate on your training!" He barked and she flinched. "You have your first year examinations coming up in April."_

_"I know that! But right now this is my priority!" She cried as tears fell down her face._

_"Set your priorities straight then! You know the most important element to become an Auror? Constant Vigilance! If you are distracted with such petty-"_

_"-it's not petty-"_

_"-You'll never become an Auror! And if by chance because of some misfortune you do complete your training you'll be dead on the second day of your work!" He made to reach for door, shaking his head as if his precious few minutes have been wasted._

_"Please." She came in his way before he could unlatch the door. "You don't understand. If I don't find him… it'll destroy me."_

_He glared at her and then spoke in a low dangerous voice. "I thought you had it in you Tonks. I thought you were different than those insolent brats who waste their lives in love and affairs. But you are all the same. You are emotionally unstable! And if I don't see you tomorrow on time for your __defence __class, you'll be suspended."_

_With that he made to push her aside but Tonks was faster._

_She drew her wand and before she could think what the consequences would be, she had Alastor Moody pinned to the wall, with her one hand gripping his collar and other pointing the wand at his good eye. She knew at that moment that any chances of her ever becoming an Auror were over. She had literally attacked her incharge, her mentor. But she wasn't thinking straight. Later she wondered why he never countered as he was more than capable of that._

_"Listen you heartless bastard! I don't give a damn what you think about me, you old coot. An insensitive prick like you can never appreciate the importance of love and guess what? I don't want to turn out like you in my old age. So you are coming with me right now, or else you are going to lose your second eyes as well, Alastor Mad-__Eye__Moody!"_

_Had she known Mad-__Eye__the__way she knew __him__now, she would have understood that the odd look on his face had meant that he was impressed._

"He came Remus." Tonks spoke looking at the man with detached expression. "He came to the flat. He taught me the tracking spell well before he taught anyone else… he performed the tracking for me… but you had done your homework Remus." Her face twisted in an ugly smile.

"Sirius you know what is important for tracking don't you?" She asked her cousin.

He looked a little alarmed at being addressed but answered nevertheless. "A person… the one whom you are tracking… they _should_ have performed magic after every few metres."

Remus looked away guiltily. He had understood where she was going with it.

"And can you imagine… that the last spell Remus used was in my room… the _packing_ spell. And I wonder why a man like Remus- so accustomed to magic… capable of wandless magic- would chose to leave the house, leave the _building_ like a muggle instead of simply apparating?"

She looked with question in her eyes, but Remus resolutely looked at the floor.

"I'll tell you why. You knew I would want to track you. You knew that if you used a locking spell on the door or simply apparate, it would leave your magical signature behind and you knew that I'd come very close to finding you… you had it planned… very cleverly planned…. Like a thief planning his _theft_. And I also know you didn't perform magic for _miles_ because I kept tracking for you everywhere, kept looking for the impression of your wand for the next five days."

Remus looked stricken.

"I searched for you everywhere…" She shook her head. Sometimes the lengths she had gone to find him astounded her. "I sent you owls… tried sending you letter through tropical birds, I had heard they were good finders but they all returned with letter intact… Mad-Eye told me about the patronus message charm in hope that it would be able to reach you, but to no avail… you had done your homework. After a week I realized that you were so adept at magic… that if you didn't wish to be found, _no one_ could find you."

She let the silence wash over them; she let it all sink in. All thoughts of party had flown from her mind.

She took a deep breath. As she inhaled the cold and stale air, she felt the coldness settle in her heart, felt the steely resolve lock in her being.

"Tonks, if only you'd let me _explain_…" Remus spoke hesitantly.

She understood how a piece of coal when ignited burned because that was exactly how she felt at that moment. She bristled at his statement and at his tone of despair. He had no right to feel remorse.

"Let you explain?" She laughed bitterly, her eyes boring into his. "Where were you three years ago Remus? Why didn't you bother explaining to me then? You were such a bastard that you didn't even leave me a damn note!" She spat and was surprised when fire didn't spark from her mouth. "But you were way too eager to leave me back then. Weren't you? You even _fucked_ me _twice_-" Remus flinched but she didn't care, didn't care she was saying things she had vowed never to say. "-that night; wanted to _use_ me to full extent didn't you? Wanted to use me for one fucking _last_ time!"

"No-" He seemed horrified.

"YES! That's exactly what it was. The whole relationship was a sham, a fake- just-just a medium for you to use me, to toy with me, to entertain yourself!" She spoke with the entire world's hatred. She spoke the things she wasn't sure she really meant from within. But she wanted to hurt him.

"Dora please don't say that! Whatever I did was ruthless, but my _every_ word to you was true. You meant the world to me-"

"You know what? _Fuck you_ Remus Lupin! I am done living with your lies!" She growled and whirled around to face the staircase. This place was suffocating her. She wanted out, _this moment_. She wanted to get right drunk so that she would no longer remember his grief stricken face.

But just as she was about to place her foot on the first step of the stairs, his hand caught her wrist in a desperate grip.

"Precious please-"

Hearing that name, that _nickname_ he spoke in private moments did nothing to quell the fire burning within her. She felt hot flames erupt from her belly and engulf her entire soul.

She whirled around and snatched her hand away from his grip with force. "DON'T CALL ME-"

But she never was able to complete the sentence, for she had used _too_ much of force. She realized with a horrible feeling that she had lost her footing. She felt herself falling as her back arched and she could do nothing to stop.

With her mouth opened in a silent scream and her eyes wide open, her head met the hard stone floor in a sickening crunch. As she felt pain - a pain unlike anything she had ever felt in her life- erupt from her skull and flare in her body, she knew no more.

* * *

_A/N: Hello! I hope you like it so far… _

_This chapter was very dramatic and equally exciting to write but what can I say? I love drama! :D Do review. I am sorry updates will be a bit slower this month as my exams are going on at the moment but I'll try to keep up :)_

**_HP- Dramaqueen_**_\- Your review made my day! Sorry that I am updating late but I am so glad that you like this story so much. I was flattered when you said that you read it in one go. Hope you'll like the future chapters as well._

**_Adamantfire_**_\- Thanks and I can't wait for the good stuff to come!_

_ **GinnyPotter6891**\- Thank you. I hope by the time this story ends, there will be an explanation for everyone's action._

_:)_


	15. Love you take is equal to love you make

It was as if it all happened in slow motion.

Sirius stared in absolute horror as his cousin fell, her body arching with the force. The crunching sound of her head meeting the stone floor made his insides lurch. He watched as her head lolled to an odd angle and as she fell all the way down the stairs like a rag doll.

"TONKS!" He hollered in blind panic as his mind tried to catch up with the turn in events. The steps were splattered with blood wherever her head had hit the hard floor. He didn't remember ever seeing this much blood in his life.

"Remus-" He breathed. His eyes flicked to his friend's face, hoping for some kind of reassurance or calm or quick action. But Remus was hopeless. A small gush of wind could have knocked him down for he looked as pale as a ghost, staring at an unconscious Tonks like a dumbstruck statue.

When he didn't respond Sirius ran towards his fallen cousin. He felt sick as his shoes slipped on her blood.

"Tonks." He said her name quite unnecessarily knowing she wouldn't reply back. He knelt beside her, deciding where to place his hands, how to hold her. But his mind was all in a jumble. He hadn't been in a situation such as this one for years. Just the sight of so much blood, _her_ blood- on the stairs, dripping from her head- was making him nauseous.

"Merlin REMUS DO SOMETHING!" He shouted, but to no avail. He saw in his periphery Remus falling to his knees while his own eyes were fixed on Tonks, who was getting paler by second.

With shaking hands, he pulled out his wand and tried to wrack his brains for a spell- any spell which would help her, but he hadn't performed any healing spells in a decade. He was afraid his poor memory and spell work would make matters worse for her.

He took a deep breath to calm himself, but involuntarily inhaled the strong stench of blood.

"Expecto Patronum." He whispered, concentrating very hard on one happy memory even when his mind was in a complete turmoil. A huge shaggy silvery dog erupted from his wand and he simply uttered one word:

"Emergency."

Incanting the spell Dumbledore had taught them to send a patronus message to a specific person, he sent his animagus counterpart to Hestia.

Waiting few minutes for Hestia to arrive seemed like an eternity to him. He simply held on to Tonks's fragile hand in his as he waited for Hestia.

God, she had been so excited for the night… And now she lay here, her dress covered in her own blood.

He gathered up his courage and looked up at Remus.

Remus had his face buried in his hands. Sirius could only imagine what was going in his head. Things had deteriorated so fast… and he sympathized deeply with both of them.

He heard footsteps clambering up and broke out of his reverie. Somewhere he felt Kreacher laughing softly, but dismissed the thought.

"Sirius-" Hesita came into his vision, looking as dressed up as Tonks had been for the party. However, she wore a cloak over it which looked as if she had thrown it over herself rather hastily.

"Oh my! Tonks!" She came to kneel beside her friend. "What happened?" She inquired breathlessly, placing her medical kit on the floor.

"She fell." He replied simply.

"Okay… okay." She muttered nodding her head as Sirius could almost see her mind working furiously. "Let's take her to a bed first. Does this room have a bed?" She asked pointing to the room adjacent to where Tonks had fallen.

"Has a sofa."

"Will do." She conjured a stretcher and very carefully levitated Tonks on it.

"Will she be alright?" He asked with dread as he trailed behind Hestia.

Hestia removed Tonks from the stretcher and placed her gently on the sofa. Sirius observed with a sinking feeling the blood that had continuously trickled from her head in thick droplets during her short journey to sofa.

Opening her medical kit, she spoke almost distractedly. "I will make sure of it."

As he saw Hestia carefully attending to her friend like a professional healer, he excused himself from the room, but not before asking if she needed anything.

Hestia was so engrossed in her work that she didn't grace him with a reply.

Sirius took it as his cue to leave.

The first thing he did after he stepped out of the room was clear all the blood. However his cleaning charms were rusty as well, therefore, while the liquid disappeared, the red stains remained.

He slowly approached his friend who looked as if someone had petrified him.

Kneeling beside him slowly, he touched his shoulder lightly.

"She's going to be alright Remus. Hestia is taking care of her."

He kept looking at him, waiting for any sign that he had heard him. His face was still hidden behind his hands and he seemed to be in a world of his own depressed thoughts.

It was after a long time that Remus removed his hands from his face. His eyes were bloodshot, but there were no sign of tears. However he looked as if he had aged years in just few minutes.

He spoke just one sentence that broke Sirius' heart.

"I destroy everything I touch."

His whisper was broken and his eyes seemed to be tracing the blood stains on the stairs. He was pale with pain etched on every part of his face. He couldn't even imagine the guilt and remorse that Remus would be feeling at the moment.

Life was unfair. Life was a bitch. All they had ever gotten in their entire life was just few moments of snatched and borrowed happiness; happiness for which they had paid later dearly.

Remus didn't deserve this. Tonks didn't deserve this.

He had to do something. He couldn't see another life waste away. Especially not that of his best friend, not that of his cousin.

"I want to see her." Remus spoke, his voice shaking as he looked at Sirius.

The pain in Remus's eyes almost made him look away.

He wordlessly got to his feet, urging Remus along with him. He gripped his shirt at the elbow and walked down the stairs, making sure that Remus didn't step on the blood stains, which he seemed to be observing with horrified fascination.

Remus clamped his hand on his mouth and resisted the urge to gag.

They entered the room in which Tonks was.

Hestia had levitated upper part of Tonks's body so that she could work better on the wound.

And seeing the wound… Sirius almost turned away. And he was sure that he had felt Remus flinching beside him.

Hestia had vanished the hair on and near the wound to have a better access at it. It looked weird as half of Tonks's head was covered with hair while the crown was shaved off; Sirius was immediately glad that Tonks was a metamorphmagus, she would grow it back in blink of an eye. However, her hair was the least of his worry.

The wound was gruesome and he didn't have it in him to stare for more than three seconds, although he had gathered that it would have hurt like hell and was glad that Tonks was unconscious at the moment.

"Will she be okay Hestia?" He repeated his earlier question.

"I have closed the wound…" She muttered distractedly as she started wrapping a bandage around her head. "There seemed to be a crack in her skull… lots of blood loss… I have given the counter potions but… she's going to take a lot of time to heal… also she will be in lots of pain when she wakes up… I think we should send her to Andromeda or the Burrow. She'll need a lot of care for next few days-"

"I'll take care of her." Remus spoke with so much conviction that even Hestia looked up momentarily from her dressing. Remus's tone clearly said that he would entertain no arguments yet he elaborated. "I don't have any guard duty or mission or any work for the next week or so. Besides it won't be safe to move her. She'll stay here and I'll make sure she's looked after."

Sirius wasn't sure if Tonks would take kindly to Remus's offer, but he shut his mouth. Who knew, this might clear a few things between them?

"Alright." Hestia spoke and got up, her hands covered with blood. She lowered Tonks carefully to the sofa, her head wrapped neatly in white bandage. She cleared the blood much better than he had, yet kept her hands away from herself as if repulsed. It was a feeling Sirius shared. Seeing the blood of someone you cared for never was one of the prettiest feelings on earth. "Do you have a room for her?"

"She can stay in my room. It's the most kept one here and it's warmer than others." Again Remus answered as if his need to nurse Tonks back to health had filled him with some kind of determination.

Hestia stared at him curiously and then nodded. "How will you transport her there?"

"I'll carry her. Apparition might not be safe." Remus spoke and very slowly approached Tonks as if both afraid to touch her and at the same moment dying to touch her.

He smoothed out the hair on her forehead and looked at her pale face for a moment. The love and tenderness that Sirius saw in Remus's eye made him feel as if he was intruding on a private moment.

Ever so gently, Remus gathered her in his arms while Sirius came forward to aid him.

"Place her head on my shoulder please." Remus murmured his request and Sirius cupped Tonks's head and positioned it on his friend's shoulder so that it was nestled comfortably there.

"Surround her head with lots of pillows Remus so that even if she moves, she's secure. I'll explain the prescription to Sirius. Please take care of her; she will need a lot of help." Hestia looked a bit doubtful and Sirius felt a pang of defensiveness.

What was it with women thinking men were irresponsible and inept for such tasks?

Remus however took no notice of Hestia's dubious gaze and nodded distractedly.

Once Remus was out of the room, he turned to look back at the Healer.

"We're quite capable to taking care of her you know. She's my cousin and Remus… well he's quite fond of her."

"Why do I feel there's something between them that I don't know about?" She turned her grey eyes to his, not so unlike his.

"Because there _is_ something between them that you don't know about." He replied coolly.

Hestia narrowed her eyes on him and brandished her wand out of her cloak pocket. For a fraction of second, he feared she was going to hex him.

However, she used the wand to perform some cleansing spell on herself again.

"Amy's going to have a right fit when she sees the mess her dress has become. Tonks borrowed the dress from her friend Amy." Hestia added the last sentence for his benefit when she saw him frowning in confusion.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Why are you women so hell bound on dress and stuff?"

"You men don't mind that much, do you, when you see us in those dresses and practically drool your wits out like a dog?" She retorted back, placing her hands on her hips.

_Well I am a dog… in a way…_

"You look… nice by the way." Sirius spoke after a moment. Her cloak's fastening had come undone and he could see the dress she wore, which wasn't far from the type Tonks had worn. Unlike Tonks, Hestia wasn't his relative and therefore it didn't stop him from appreciating what was right in front of him.

"You are so obvious Black." She replied, shaking her head in semi disgust and semi exasperation. "Well at least you find it entertaining… it isn't of much use now anyway. I don't suppose I will be attending the party."

She looked forlorn as she said that and Sirius remembered with a pang that both women had been due to attend the party they couldn't shut up about for the whole week.

They both worked hard alongside with their Order duties and they deserved one night of break and fun.

"I am sure…" He started hesitantly. "You can still go… You'll be only about hour late and besides such parties start late."

"Not without Tonks… it doesn't seem right. I won't enjoy it alone anyway."

"If I know Tonks even a bit, then I am betting that she would be very disappointed if you didn't go because of her. She'll feel guilty and will berate herself for being clumsy. Why don't you take this Amy woman with you… that is, if she is your friend? And with the kind of dress she lends to her friends, I don't think she'll be short of costumes."

He didn't know why he was trying to convince Hestia. It wasn't as if he was personally vested in the party. But he understood the feeling of being trapped in one place; he just didn't want others to feel that way too. Besides Hestia was a colleague. Never mind that he hadn't fully acknowledged her before.

Hestia's eyes went wide with realization. "Actually I can try that and you are right. Tonks wouldn't like if I didn't go and such parties do start late."

He nodded and was glad for some reason.

"Promise me you'll immediately call me if there's some problem with Tonks?"

"I will."

"Okay. I'll just jot down some precautions and potions you need to give in case she wakes up…" She immediately conjured a parchment and grabbed a quill from a nearby dusty table, scribbling furiously on it. "Though I don't think she'll wake up anytime soon… I am leaving these potions… And I'll be here first thing in morning." She handed him the parchment. "Please call me if you don't understand."

"Thank you Hestia." He nodded sincerely and thanked for obviously caring for his cousin as much as she did.

Hestia gave him a genuine smile and stormed out without another word.

* * *

He found Remus sitting by the bedside, watching Tonks carefully. Her hand was tucked in both of his while he gingerly scuffed the back of it with his thumb. He looked deep in thought as he took in her paler than usual face.

"Still unconscious?" Sirius entered and asked to break Remus from his reverie.

Remus merely nodded without looking up from her face.

"Hestia says she will not wake up anytime soon… apparently she has doused her with many potions. She also says that she will be here in the morning to check upon her."

When Remus still didn't say anything, Sirius stopped hovering near the door and entered the room. He took place on the chair next to the bed.

"She's going to be okay Remus."

Remus breathed in deeply and cleared his throat. It looked as if he was trying to gather some composure. "I hope so." He spoke in a very small hoarse voice.

Sirius sat back for a moment and observed the scene in front of him. Remus had carefully nestled Tonks's bandaged head in a nest of pillow like Hestia had advised. His hand continuously caressed hers in a rhythmic movement, which Sirius thought Tonks would have found very soothing had she been awake. Often, Remus would adjust the duvet around her shoulder quite unnecessarily or would brush his hand against her wrapped skull. He had taken off her shoes and had transfigured her dress into something comfortable which Sirius couldn't see. He looked like nothing could remove him from her bedside so Sirius didn't even try.

"Have you always loved her this much?"

That startled Remus enough to finally look up from his scrutiny of her sleeping form.

"I thought it was obvious."

"You hide your feelings well Moony…" Sirius sighed, using his old Marauder nickname. "Just like my cousin here does. You have got to make this right Remus."

Remus let out a puff of air. His expression was bitter. "I have lost all sense of right and wrong. I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore."

"No, Listen to me." Sirius asserted. He had to get this thing in Remus's head. Even if he had to be as persuasive as he had been during their second year while they had tried to convince Remus about them becoming animagi. True he'd had James as well back then, but surely his persuasion skills must have improved?

"Have you ever seen what hatred has done to us? Have to ever seen what it has done to me?"

Remus looked puzzled at his abrupt question.

"I spent twelve years in Azkaban cursing that rat. I still do. And even though he deserves it, I didn't get anything out of it. The resentment and regret had been eating me away since that Halloween. It's not getting out of my system. And I reckon it's too late anyway to get out of my system. Please don't let that happen with Tonks."

Remus's face scrunched up. "But it already has happened. I already have ruined her life. What more is there to it?"

"Yes there is more to it. Tell her why you did it. Prove to her that your love was true and your intentions were right. Tell her you have always loved her."

"And then what do you suppose will happen?" He asked bitterly, looking away. "I have already lost my chance with her…"

"What will happen is… that she will find it easier to _forgive_ you."

A stunned silence greeted his sentence.

"Meaning…?" Remus asked softly not looking at him, yet listening carefully.

"If she knows why you did it… she's going to forgive you, I know it. Once she forgives you, she can let go of all the ill feelings she had been holding onto for so many years. She can live freely again maybe. I saw the pain on her face today Remus. And despite her pretending otherwise, I don't think she had really been able to move on from that incident. Make her forgive you." He repeated, leaning forward and placed his hand on his knee. "And then maybe she can find it in her to love you again."

The look that Remus gave suggested that he found the notion of her loving him again both exhilarating and terrifying.

Remus shook his head. "And then? I'll break her heart all over again. That's the only thing I am good at. Besides… there is no possibility of love. You saw today, how much she despises me…" He rubbed his chest absent-mindedly as if the mere memory of her words was causing him physical pain.

Sirius sighed and removed his hand. "I… think she's angry at you… has been since that day… and I think it is eating her from inside… but I also think that her love hasn't vanished… it's just lost somewhere… it's still inside her though, but lost… you need to guide her… but don't do that if you aren't sure of yourself… However, one thing that I am certain about is that you must tell her your reasons… it will help her a lot to know that all those months weren't a waste… she'll know that her love wasn't a lie, you weren't a lie…leave the rest to fate…"

There was a moment of silence while Remus contemplated his words.

"But, she isn't ready to listen to me…. You saw her getting so agitated when I suggested she give me a chance to explain."

"Then now is as good a time as any. When she wakes up, talk to her and she won't have any other choice other than to listen to you. It's not like she can run out on you. She's on bed rest."

"I-I don't want to force myself on her. I don't want to hurt her."

"What do you think you have been doing for the past few years?" The words came out from Sirius's mouth harsher than he had intended, making Remus flinch.

"Sorry." Said Sirius. "I mean, she has been hurting for years, your explaining might soothe her a bit. Just remember that anger, hatred, regret eat a person from the inside. I am a live example of that… sort it out."

Sirius waited with bated breath for Remus to respond. He wasn't sure how much he had been able to convince him. But he breathed a sigh of relief when Remus nodded.

"I'll do anything for… for her. Whatever takes her pain away." He spoke quietly his gaze switching back to Tonks. He scuffed her cheekbone with his thumb lovingly and he smiled sadly.

"I only seem to be able to touch her when she's… unconscious."

"Remus she's going to be fine. Remember the number of times James broke his head while flying?"

Remus gave a small smile at the various memories of James that must have flashed through his head.

"Where will you sleep?" Sirius probed.

"I'll stay here in case she wakes up… I am not sure I'll be able to sleep anyway."

Sirius sighed and got up. "Don't be too hard on yourself mate." He clapped his back lightly and left.

* * *

The next morning, he found himself sitting in Remus's room, sipping his coffee. Remus was sitting at the same place Sirius had left him and he wasn't sure if he had moved at all. Remus looked exhausted and sleep was clear in his eyes.

So Sirius, for a change, had decided to be useful and had made some strong coffee for himself and his friend.

Tonks still hadn't woken up and it worried both of them a little. They had at least expected her to stir or move, but there had been no movement at all.

"So what did you decide?" He broke their comfortable silence.

Remus took a long sip of his coffee, the drink putting some color on his cheeks. "I… I have always wanted just one opportunity to… to explain my actions. To ask for forgiveness. If she'll agree to listen to me, then I'm very much willing to offer her every explanation. Forgiveness is all I expect from her."

"Forgiveness is all you _expect_. But what it is do you _want_?"

"Doesn't matter."

Sirius sighed. At least he had agreed to talk. That was a big achievement in itself.

Sometimes Sirius got the same feeling at seeing them as the one he used to get while watching James and Lily. Though their cases were different, he couldn't help but see the similarities in Lily and Tonks. They both had disliked their men for a long time. Lily had absolutely loathed James for years until she had started to see for the man he was in their sixth year and finally agreeing to go on a date by seventh year. Similarly Tonks disliked Remus though how often he could see that she still respected him and held him in high regard.

However he also felt that, just like James and Lily, Remus and Tonks were made for each other. How else could one explain their story full of so many coincidences? He hadn't been much of a believer in destiny, however, looking at his friends, he agreed that some great works were in place.

"Remus? Black?"

They both turned at the same time to see Hestia standing at the door.

Remus immediately sprang up to his feet, placing his cup aside. However Sirius kept sitting where he was. In fact he positioned his one leg above his knee and leant back. Why did she so often call him Black?

"Hestia, we were waiting for you." Spoke Remus.

"Any changes in her?" Hestia stepped inside and looked over at her friend.

"No. She hasn't woken up once and she hasn't even stirred. I- I was sort of getting worried."

Hestia sat beside Tonks and felt her cheek as most of her face was covered in bandage. "She doesn't have a fever, that's good. I was afraid she would be feverish. The potions I gave her have reacted well…" She moved her wand in intricate patterns over Tonks, diagnosing her.

"When will she wake up?" Remus asked.

"In a few hours I hope. Though… once she wakes up, she's going to have the holy mother of headaches."

"Just like you are having one right now." Piped Sirius, raising his eyebrows at the Healer. She had changed from that dress and was wearing a simple jeans and blouse.

"I do not have a headache." She replied back. Her voice was like a wasp stinging- sharp and crisp.

"You are hungover."

"I am not."

"You are. Your eyes are bloodshot and you have bags under your eyes. You are wincing at your every movement. You clearly have been up to no good, up all night drinking."

"Could those symptoms because I was awake and at party up until early hours of the morning?"

"You mean to tell me you didn't _drink_ at a _party_ organized in a _bar_?"

"I am a member of Order of Phoenix, I won't drink when out unless I have another person watching my back, Black. I am responsible."

Remus cleared his throat and broke their banter.

"What will I- will she need to be given for eating once she wakes up?" Asked Remus.

"Some light soup will be preferable, can any of you arrange for soup?" She asked, her eyes switching between Remus and Sirius.

"I'll ask Kreacher-" Sirius started.

"I cannot trust Kreacher not to-" Hestia interrupted before he could have finished.

"I'll make it." Remus interrupted both of them before Sirius could have listened to what it was that she didn't trust Kreacher to do. When Hestia looked at Remus dubiously, he elaborated. "I can make soup. She- she'll like it." Remus averted his eyes. Something in his tone told Sirius that this soup was something Tonks used to like back during their time.

"Are you okay Remus?" Hestia questioned, her eyes probing and observing his friend as if he was her patient. Though of course anybody looking at Remus would have guessed that he was not alright.

Remus smiled tersely and escaped her real question in a typical Lupin-like fashion. "How was your party?"

"Oh it was delightful! I brought pictures with me. I am sure Tonks will be jealous, but I also know she'll be glad and relieved that if she couldn't, I attended it anyway." She looked pointedly at Sirius as if wanting to indirectly thank him for persuading her to go and at the same time not wanting to acknowledge that it was his suggestion in the first place.

"Someone will need to inform her office that… she'll be indisposed for few days." Remus said.

"I'll ask Kingsley to do it." Hestia agreed.

"Ask him to apply a leave on Tonks's behalf for a week." Sirius suggested, more like ordered.

"She'll be up and about in three-four days." Retorted Hestia.

"It won't hurt her to have few days break." It won't hurt Remus to have Tonks around him as well, Sirius thought. "Besides, it's not like the Auror department these days have some actual work to do that she'll be missed. The work they are doing is equivalent to catching flies and it will continue that way until they acknowledge Voldemort's return. All they do is to keep sending her to god awful places in search of me… In fact, I think you should do the same. Take a leave."

"I am a healer. My missing from work may cause someone there life, Black." She arched her eyebrow.

"You are so passionate about what you do, Jones. That's why I like you so much."

"I wasn't aware you even knew my name, let alone you actually liked me."

"Now you are exaggerating. I knew your surname since the first week of your induction in the Order-"

He broke off when they heard a soft moan escaping from Tonks.

Remus immediately reacted; reaching for her. Though since Hestia sat next to Tonks, there was no space for him to sit therefore he kept standing in an awkward position, observing her carefully.

However, the maximum movement Tonks showed was a furrow of her brows and flutter of her eyelids. She slipped back into unconsciousness or sleep, he didn't know.

"Exactly how much sleeping potion have you given her?" Sirius questioned. It seemed like forever since she had been out.

"It's not just sleeping potion. It is skelegrow, blood replenishing and other potions combined taking effect."

For a moment they all kept looking at Tonks, looking to see if there was any indication of her waking up.

There wasn't.

Hestia sighed. "I'll leave now… I'll inform Kingsley and… well I'll come to check on her in evening… I need to get some sleep."

Hestia left glaring at Sirius one last time. As soon as she left Remus occupied her place.

"Mate, you should get some sleep as well. You heard Hestia, she'll take some time in waking up."

Remus shook his head.

Sighing at Remus's insistence and wondering how a man could be awake for so long, he replied:

"Okay… well if you need anything tell me."

* * *

_Her whole body ached. It seemed like she was in a dark abyss of sleep and was unable to wake up. But this sleep wasn't healthy; it wasn't the kind of sleep where one would wake up feeling rested… it was more like unconsciousness… it was suffocating._

_Someone kept calling for her…. That someone was important… if only __she __followed __their voice__,__it would guide her out of this dark pit…_

_What __had __happened? There had been a three headed snake... she remembered this much..._

_That same someone was urging her to open her mouth. But __as hard as she __tried__,__she couldn't get her muscles to move. She didn't question their motive though… she knew who ever it was wanted her good…_

_She suddenly felt something big and hard in her mouth… it was like a stone… she started choking as she felt it lodge in her throat… the suffocation pressed more upon her… someone was weeping… She felt air leaving her nose as the stone passed through her throat…._

_The pain dulled…_

_"…. Precious it's going to be okay…" She felt someone kissing her head…._

_She recognized that voice. She trusted that voice more than anything… he was there, he __would __help her…_

_She took some shallow breaths. She felt nauseous, her stomach ached… it was like a storm starting inside her, it was churning painfully. She felt pain shot through her body and bile erupt from inside._

_Her throat felt sour as she vomited._

_She felt all the energy sap from her body as he supported her. She slumped against him._

_Her face burned__,__but something cool soothed that burning._

_"How are you feeling?" he was asking._

_She tried to answer, tried really hard__, __but just __the __barest of __moans __escaped her mouth._

_Suddenly__,__she felt as if someone was poking her already aching arm with a sharp hot poker. She cried out in pain._

_"…it'll help you Dora I promise…" His voice was like miles away__, __yet she could feel him next to her. She felt like crying. She realized she was crying._

_For some long painful moments__,__it went on like that… she felt him caressing her back and supporting her head which felt as heavy as lead… it comforted her._

_"I am here. You are safe….. Wouldn't let…. I am sorry…." She could hear his voice fazing in and out__,__but it was comforting nevertheless. She wasn't alone. She was safe. She would be okay._

_She felt very parched, her throat seared with dryness; she needed water. But how __did __she ask? She couldn't move her mouth._

_With __all her __will power__, __she croaked out her desire for water. She coughed and spluttered, but relaxed when the water passed through her food pipe._

_"Can you hear me Dora?"_

_For a long time she was silent. The pain was fading away. The heaviness in her head was leaving. She opened her eyes slowly._

_She opened her eyes and saw his face. Remus. He was worried. He had tears in his eyes._

_"Tired…" She told him__,__but wasn't sure if he had heard her._

_He hugged her and kissed her forehead. It felt so good to be back in his arms…. "I understand Precious. But you are going to be fine…. Sleep Dora… You are safe now, you can sleep."_

_Sleep…yes that would be wonderful, she wanted to sleep…_

_But if she slept…. He would slip from her hands again… just like last time…_

_Suddenly she struggled to remain awake. She couldn't afford to fall asleep._

_"Last time I…asleep… you left me…" It hurt too much to think about that day. Her chest constricted at the thought._

_Then he said something that caught her attention._

_"…Precious…"_

_Oh god, Precious. How badly had she missed this name… But why hadn't he been calling her __that __often? Why had he stopped using it? She couldn't remember it._

_Besides he was always arguing, wasn't he? Why he did that? He knew that even if pink was her favorite color it didn't mean she was obsessed with it… she liked other colors too. Like blue._

_"Blue curtains are better…" She told him. He ought to know. He knew better than to argue __with __her on the matter of colors._

_But wasn't the color of her curtains green? Or was it yellow?_

_Why couldn't __she __remember it?_

_Another jolt of memory went through her veins. Her cousin wanted to meet Remus. But he kept stalling it. Didn't he want to meet her family?_

_"Allison has invited us…" She told him. He better remember it this time or else__, __just like last week__, __he'd say that he had forgotten._

_"Yes next week I know Dora, don't you worry, just sleep. Trust me and sleep__:__you'll feel better."_

_Yes__,__now __she could sleep. He had agreed and now she __could __rest. Now she didn't need to fear sleep._

_But why did she fear sleep? Why __did __his arms __seemed __so familiar__,__yet so new? As if he hadn't touched her in years…_

_But he hadn't touched her in years had he? He had left… Because he didn't love her back then… But he always said he loved her…_

_Her head was hurting with so many 'buts'._

_Better to ask him. He won't lie._

_"Do you still love me?" she gripped his hand tightly. It was important for her to know. It was urgent._

_He caressed her cheek with such gentle touch that she almost cried._

_"Of course I do…. I love you Dora…. I always have….Seeing you falling moments ago almost killed me. And it has killed me; every second I have spent in those three years apart from you killed me. I am going to make this right."_

_She understood what he was trying to say__, __but her head hurt and he had just way too many words for her aching head to comprehend. She had just asked him if he loved her. Yes would have been enough. Right now it was difficult to contain so many words in her head._

_"You talk too much."_

_He talked too much…yes…and he thought too much as well. He kept thinking things through and through until they became a mess in their head._

_But she loved him._

_She did, didn't she?_

_Why was that hard to answer suddenly? What had changed? Why she couldn't remember?_

_"You are my sun." She told him as they sat next to each other on the balcony. She loved to see __the __rising sun. And sometimes it was so difficult to get Remus wake on time…_

_He said something she didn't understand._

_Sleep was becoming too difficult to fight. Besides__, __now she didn't have anything to fear. He won't leave her. He loved her. He always has. He just said so himself._

_She had almost succumbed to sleep when she felt long forgotten sweet lips meeting hers in a tender kiss._

_She wanted to kiss back but she had already fallen asleep with the last thought that he loved her._

Nymphadora Tonks woke up gasping.

She felt a strong sense of déjà vu when she saw herself lying on bed, aching all over, just woken up from a dream-memory with Remus Lupin sitting by her bedside looking at the window lost in his thoughts.

* * *

_A/N: I am really late to wish but hope you all had a very happy Christmas... Also Happy holidays and Happy new year in advance :D_


	16. Lost Without You: Part One

_Hello!_

_Before I begin, I'd like to convey a very special thanks to **GinnyPotter6891** who beta-read this chapter on such a short notice._

_Also there seemed to be a bit confusion about ending to the previous chapter. The thing is Tonks now remembers what happened after she was bitten by the runespoor as you might remember that initially she had no recollection of that time. It is basically the same experience from her perspective._

_This is chapter 16, Part 1 and I am posting Part 2 as well, so don't forget to check it out too. Do review for both the chapters and tell me how you felt about it. _

_And I thought I'd share with you that there will be about 22-23 chapters in total for this fic._

_Thank you :)_

* * *

When she had become an Auror, this is not what she had meant by it being a _fatal_ profession. Perhaps her mother hadn't being disapproving for the choice of her career because she thought it was dangerous, _because_ she had trusted her to survive duels only to trip on roots of trees or fall from walls or get bitten by a three headed snake or fall down stairs...

It was embarrassing.

If she was to get fatally wounded, she would at least prefer so in her line of duty not because she had been too distracted while on a mission and had been caught unawares by a runespoor or because she had got right _pissed_ when her ex-boyfriend had called her provoking, long forgotten nickname….

Also she would like to _stop_ waking up from these mind-jumbling, dream-like memories. They left her befuddled. Nor would she prefer waking up next to Remus Lupin by her bedside each time. It was humiliating as it was; she didn't need an audience. This had been happening with her too much these days. With this thought she gave a groan and squeezed her eyes shut against the hammering in her head.

She had been better unconscious.

She opened her eyes again when she felt the bed jostling a bit. Without her knowing, her hands have acted on their accord, and now they clutched her heavily bandaged head while Remus peered at her closely.

"You are awake…" He whispered.

"Yeah… why though…" She mumbled. "What year is it?"

He chuckled. "It's still September of 1995, I am afraid. How are you feeling?"

"Frankly, I'd feel better if I didn't feel anything." With that sentence she tried to get up.

_And_ immediately regretted it.

Remus's warning of _'No, don't get up'_ reached a bit too late to her ears.

She gasped a lungful of air and felt she would throw up. It felt as if someone had turned her brain inside out and was scrubbing it clean with an iron brush.

"Calm down." She felt large hands hold her head in place. She let her own hands fall back to bed while he placed his thumbs on her eyelids, holding it in a secure position. It almost felt good, as if he had done some wandless magic. Her eyes felt warm and slowly the warmth seeped to her head. The pain dulled away.

"Don't move. Just move your eyes, if you have to. I have potions that will help."

She was about to make the mistake of nodding her head when she caught herself in time and just moaned her assent. She heard him bustling around her, uncorking what might have been a potion bottle, and the bed again dipped with his weight as he tipped the vial to her lips.

"Okay, well, just swallow this."

She opened her mouth, ready for the acrid and bitter taste, when she was taken by surprise by the sweet taste that filled her mouth and she swallowed easily. "A pain-killing potion that actually tastes good? I am impressed."

"Healer's secret recipe, I guess. Why don't you try to move your head?"

"I don't think it's such a good idea…" she mumbled but tried anyway. She moved her head to right, ready to feel the pain, but surprisingly, it was absent. Only her head felt heavy and the muscles of her neck protested against the movement. She shook her head few times just for the heck of it, then realized how foolish she must be look shaking her head for no reason and stopped. "It's good." She nodded her consent.

"I fear that's the maximum scope of your movement right now. Hestia has advised against it." He looked apologetic.

"What does she knows?" She grumbled.

"She thought that you'd try to move. So she was…sort of glad that the pain will compel you to lie down anyway. She's said it will take about three-four days."She groaned. Three to four days bed rest! She was going to go mad with boredom.

"Wait!" She suddenly exclaimed. "Hestia- the party- and I am going on a mission with Kingsley-"

"-to search for mass murderer Sirius Black, I know. Relax." He spoke loudly, drowning her ramblings. "Well… when you- er fell…" he looked uncomfortable and tugged at his collar consciously."-Sirius sent a patronus to Hestia. She took care of you. Then Sirius convinced Hestia to go to the party anyway as you would be terribly disappointed if she didn't go because of you. Sirius also convinced Hestia to ask for one week sick leave on your behalf."

"Oh well…" She frowned. "Wait, _Sirius_ convinced _Hestia_?" She raised her eyebrows.

Her question brought an odd smirk on Remus's face. "I got a distinct impression that he was flirting with her."

"Don't go on her bubbly personality. Hestia is very much capable of kicking his ass." She spoke with conviction.

"That's one of the qualities I think that… Sirius likes in his er- pursuits." He spoke and immediately cringed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to objectify her-"

"It's alright, what can we do? That's my cousin for you…" She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

Despite her aversion to relying on somebody else, her friends had taken good care of her. Not only had they just treated her but made sure her work didn't suffer. The next few days were going to be very boring. She groaned internally. Why she had to go and fall in such a drastic manner?

Suddenly at the speed of light, the memory of before her fall struck her like a thunderbolt.

_Oh __no…_ what had she done? She had sworn to herself that she would never say those things to another soul… and she had poured out her heart in some mad rush of impulsiveness…

She felt the blood rush from her face as her earlier words came back to her… things she had said…. Things she had told them… as fast as the blood left her face, it raced back to her cheeks. She flushed in embarrassment. God what must they be thinking now about her? Her fists clenched… it seemed like one of those things that looked like a good idea at night time but was highly mortifying in the morning…

Why wasn't the Earth wasn't opening up and swallowing her?

What would Remus be thinking now? He would think that she was still pining after him….

Ever so slowing she turned her head and looked at him. He was looking at the headboard, his eyes tracing some invisible pattern. He felt her gaze on him and looked at her.

"Um…" She started. What could she possibly say? After she had talked about going on normally in their lives why had she had to just go and blurt out the deepest hidden secrets of her heart?

Sensing her discomfort, he shifted his gaze away from her, as if just realizing what had happened last night between them. "I er… I'll tell Sirius and will bring something for you to eat."

He practically fled the room as soon as he had his sentence finished.

Tonks stared at the door in mortification and groaned audibly this time.

"Oh, Mother of Merlin, Daughter of Andromeda… WHY…?!" she groused.

She closed her eyes and recalled their last interaction bit by bit. She swallowed in shame as each and every word of hers came back to her head. She felt tears prickling her eyes and ground the heels of her hands into them until she saw stars.

No good would it do now…. What happened, _happened_. Now she just had to think of ways to salvage her reputation.

She'd just have to avoid Grimmauld place for few days, weeks even, and would have to maintain her distance with Remus… and they'll forget it soon enough like some bad joke….

Then there was her dream… of the day she was bitten by a runespoor… that bit of information was continuously nagging at the back of her mind as well. She just had to ignore it for the time being. She would think about it later…

She took a deep breath and sighed.

However, it would have better…way better if few things were kept hidden… she didn't want any more confrontations.

She fixed her face and waited for someone to return.

Soon enough Remus walked inside the room, clutching an enormous soup bowl. First time since she had woken up, she noticed how tired he looked, as if he hadn't slept the whole night…

"Here's some soup for you… Can you sit up?"

She nodded and slowly got up in a sitting position as he placed the bowl on her lap. "I am not sure that I am that hungry…" She spoke feeling embarrassed at every passing second of being tended to.

"Hestia will have my head if we don't feed you… I mean you lost lots of blood…"

"Who made this?" She stirred the soup. It smelled delicious.

"Kreacher."

When her eyes widened in horror, he elaborated:

"Don't worry, we stood guard while he was cooking and Sirius even ordered him explicitly not to mess up with it… You can eat it, I assure you, and it's perfectly safe."

She sighed and took a mouthful. The taste of the soup was very familiar…. Soon enough she was able to place where she had tasted it.

It wasn't made by Kreacher. She was sure of it; though she didn't say anything to Remus.

"It's nice."

"Hmm… if you need anything else then tell me-_us_. Sirius said he would be up soon to see you."

"Remus…" She hesitated and went to tuck her hair behind her ear when she remembered she didn't have much hair at the moment and stroked her bandage instead. "About last night… I-I…" She resolutely kept looking in her bowl. How to frame the sentence and what to say? That she was sorry? Sorry for bringing up a mistake _he_ committed?

"Before you say something, there are few things I need to clear…."

She looked up. He was surprisingly looking directly into her eyes with such intensity that it gave her a little jolt.

He opened his mouth to continue, but she beat him to it.

"I don't want to know, Remus. Whatever it is you want to say, I don't want to know." She was sure she didn't want to hear any explanations; she didn't have it in her to keep reliving things of the past. Whenever she would think that it had stop hurting, something or the other would prove her wrong. It had been three long years, she had grown up in more than one ways yet the pain wouldn't stop completely. She didn't know what it was about him that a part of her kept hanging on.

"May be you don't want to hear it, but I need to say it. Please, it's important…. And I know I might come across as a hypocrite and you may say,_rightfully_, why I didn't say anything back then… but I want just a chance to tell you my side of story. Rest, I'll leave it to you…"

"It won't change anything Remus." She replied in a quiet voice.

"It will… Dora…" He whispered her name and she didn't feel the sting she normally would have anticipated. "I wish for forgiveness… I won't force you… but if you feel I deserve your forgiveness then please…" He swallowed and closed his eyes. When he opened them, she saw a raw emotion in them that brought a lump to her throat. She felt the strongest urge to hug him and take that pain away, but dismissed that thought.

However, she felt as if ever since they had re-met she hadn't exactly appreciated how beautiful his eyes were…

She looked away and sipped a mouthful of her soup, surprised that it was still warm. She felt his gaze on her but didn't say anything. On one hand, she was very guarded about digging up the memories and on the other hand, she was getting awfully curious… back then what she wouldn't have given to hear his reasons…

When she continued eating, he simply sighed and summoned something from other room.

"Remember this?"

She looked up and saw him holding a very familiar-looking leather bound journal…

"I bought it for you with my first Auror stipend." She replied, eyeing the notebook. She'd had 'Remus Lupin' engraved on the cover in silver, and she remembered that it had many magical properties.

"Yes. I want you to have it. Read it." He offered the journal to her.

"What?" she questioned. Feeling more than a little shocked, she placed the bowl aside. "Why would I do that?"

He took a deep breath as if he had been given a very daunting task."I won't do justice to myself…to you, if I started to tell you _now_. I won't be able to explain myself… my communication skills have always been rusty." He gave a sad smile. "Even more so after I left… Whatever it is, it is in that journal… Please Tonks. Don't deny me this."

"Listening to other people's conversations, reading their personal diary never bodes well. Especially not for me," she replied. He had deposited the diary in her lap and it seemed to weigh more than it really did. She was scared, scared of the little book that held numerous thoughts and secrets… secrets she had no wish to unveil.

"It's the only way I can explain myself… do me one last favor. Please." He pleaded and ever so hesitantly he touched her hand with his. "Read this and decide if you think I deserve your forgiveness. I don't think I-" His voice broke a little. "-I don't think I will be able to carry this weight in my heart any longer and…I also think- forgive me for thinking on your behalf but- I also think you have carried this burden in your heart way too long as well. I can't decide for you, but I think… it's time we let go. We need closure."

"Closure…" She repeated the word as if the mere concept was alien to her. Did she want closure? What receiving closure would now mean? She was confused. She was always confused when it came to him. She wanted to move ahead, leave everything in past completely but additionally what made things more complicated was that… she was aware that a tiniest part of her was guilty of wanting to hold on….

She realized his hand was still touching hers. She squeezed his fingers back.

"Thank you." He replied hoarsely, honestly. "Also… I am sorry for my behavior yesterday … I was completely out of line. I am sorry."

She sighed, simply not knowing how to answer him back. "Can I read it later?"

"Okay… do you need anything else?" He asked softly, looking worried.

"Nothing."

"I'll leave you to it then. Call for me if you need anything." Giving her a small smile, which she failed to return, he left.

* * *

She had tried to postpone the reading of the journal as much as she could. She had taken to Sirius's visit kindly and they had chatted over tea for more than two hours. Sitting idle was something she was not good at, but she was okay given the circumstances; she could have been at St Mungo's, or worse, at her mother's who would have coddled her to death. She ate and slept, the potions making her drowsy but even they had a saturation point. The journal was placed on her bedside table and she continuously felt its niggling presence.

When at last she woke up at two in the morning and found she was unable to go back to sleep, she admitted with defeat that she could not stall it any further.

The ache in her head had subsided significantly, she noticed as she sat up. The window in the room was closed but the curtains weren't drawn up. Once she had realized that she was in Remus's room, she had insisted on vacating it for him, but he had resolutely refused, saying that he would bunk in with Sirius for a few nights.

She sat up against the headboard and gathered the duvet around her waist. Flicking on the lamp, she picked up the journal, ignoring the little shake of her hands.

Gingerly, as if she was about to unearth the deepest secrets of dark magic, she opened the cover.

The cover page just contained few lines:

_A heartfelt gift from my dearest and precious Dora… it makes me feel so proud that she thought to spend her first earnings on me. Can't wait for the day she becomes an Auror…._

She had heard these words so many times from his mouth but reading them, seeing them again, made her feel a wistful affection for the past. She stared at the page for a long time and flipped through the long pages of the diary. It was enchanted to magically accommodate the new pages once the user ran out of the original ones. Gaging from the heaviness of the journal, she realized that Remus had exhausted the real pages of the journal long ago.

After reading those lines and feeling a familiar constricted sentiment in her chest, she realized that it wasn't going to be easy to read the whole thing…

She opened the first page. It was a sketch and it was dated on December 14, 1991- a few days after the date she had bought him the journal. The sketch was of the view from their balcony. So many memories rushed back to her as she stared at the picture.

She knew he liked to sketch and write. They were the few hobbies he would indulge himself when he was bored, which was generally when she was out. However he did it mostly on the old magazines back pages or the papers she would throw in the bin. It was one of the reasons she had bought him the journal.

The updates on the few initial pages were irregular and inconsistent. They mostly had sketches of still objects- the vase on the shelf, the porridge bowl, her zirconia pendant on the bedside table….

They were beautiful.

She didn't realize she had a small smile on her face until she felt it vanishing when she saw the last sketch.

It was of her, her back towards the painter and by the looks of things she was cooking something on the kitchen counter. She wore an overlarge shirt- his shirt- which hung loosely on her smaller frame, sleeves rolled up to the elbows and her legs bare. Her hair was barely past her shoulders, a deep and rich maroon. It was the only sketch which was charmed with colors.

She had been completely unaware she was being captured. She traced the spine of her picture self and felt shivers pass through her body. It was an act of such reverence to sketch someone, paint someone in such a lazy, casual and private moment. Below the sketch were four lines handwritten by him with a color pencil- _'She's smile to my lips and beats to my heart, she's my reason to live… she's my Dora, my absolute world.'_

She swallowed a lump audibly and traced the words with her index finger. Her heart was melting already as she felt the words engraved deeply on the rough paper.

She sighed and sniffed loudly. _Focus Tonks! He left you, remember? Something happened to change his perspective. Don't jump to conclusions so early…_

She flipped to the next page and saw that it was filled with his neat writing. Flipping through the journal again, she found that now each page was filled with his writing, the words almost seemed to be overflowing, if that was possible. It seemed as if he had tried to jot down each and every passing second of the past three years on the page. She realized what he had meant by telling won't do justice. There was no chance he would have been able to tell her things in this much detail.

She went back to the first page after her sketch. It was dated February 11, 1992, two days after he left. Taking a deep breath, she started to read:

_I had a right mind to stand in that rain and drown my sorrows, possibly myself. Anything would have been better than the ache that has now seemed to lodge itself permanently in my heart. For the thousandth time, I wonder how you would be feeling at the moment, Dora. I know you would be so heartbroken; it almost breaks my resolve to stay away from you. You would hate me but I hope that one day you'll find it in yourself to forgive me for anything less than that I won't be able to bear._

_I walked for hours in that rain, finding the discomfort small __in face of __the agony I surely must have caused you. However, once the cold got too much to bear I charmed the raindrops to repel. I never was strong, always had been a coward- couldn't even complete this small punishment to redeem myself in my own conscience._

_I apparated somewhere. Where, I had no idea; I __could __have splinched and I suppose a part of me hoped for that because any physical pain would have been better than this constant hammering in my head, in my heart…. I sat on a bench for hours. I had no clue where I was, what time it was, what I was going to do… all I kept thinking about was you… I have never been this disoriented in my life and that is saying something…_

_A muggle man found me, dripping wet in a place which was dry as dust… however he didn't fear me, he didn't think I was some beggar or madman which I was sure I appeared to be at that moment. He offered me a place to stay; maybe he saw something on my face, __something that __brought sympathy from him instead of alarm._

_He said he had been looking for a tenant for a room above his house. I don't remember agreeing but I must have for hours later I found myself in a small but cozy room._

_Later, gaining some self control I figured out where I was. I had apparated to Inverness. The man who offered my place was named Jack. He was a fool, he was too trusting; had he known what I was- a wizard and a werewolf one at that, he would have fled away as far from me as possible along with his little son._

_Yes, he has a little son, Dora. His name is William. I haven't been in my right mind to befriend him but he reminds me of little James, which in turn reminds me of you…_

_William's mother died four years ago… I __know the feeling, some__ of the despondency one feels at losing their loved ones- Jack must have sensed it in me for he knew that pain only too well…_

_I can't stay here for long, I don't have money to pay the rent and to find the __job I'll have to look out__ and I run the risk of running into you… even though this place is way too far from you, I recognize the power of coincidences very well..._

_I told Jack so; __however, instead of throwing me out, he asked me to__ tutor William in lieu of rent…_

_For now it will do…_

_You gave me this journal, partly to provide me a medium to sketch and write and partly to express your love and gratitude for me… gratitude which I don't deserve, not any longer, but this journal is the only piece of you I have on me now… this and the love bite you gave me. I suppose you must have realized by now why I asked for it… However it is fading away slowly and one day it will appear as if it was never there to begin with…_

_I never thought I would be using this journal for this. But it makes me feel connected to you, as if I am talking to you, often I can feel you next to me, your hand on my shoulder, your sweet lips on my ear, whispering your love for me… I think this is the closest I'll ever feel to you now…_

_I ruined it from my own hands… ruined you, ruined myself and ruined this relationship… __Godric, __I miss you so much already… it is making me mad, I can only imagine how you must be feeling…_

_I hate my life, hate Greyback, hate the Ministry for passing a law to __round up all__ those who were in contact with werewolves without any plausible reason, I hate that I was endangering your career, your life, hate that I had to leave you to protect you, to save your career from the brunt __of the Ministry's__ wrath…_

Here she stopped and re-read the paragraph, her heart hammering in her chest.

What law was he talking about? The Ministry was rounding up those who were in contact with werewolves? She frowned; she was in the Auror Department and as a matter of fact knew that there existed no such law or act… then why had he written so? Was this the reason he had left her? Because he had thought she was in danger of losing her apprenticeship? She had half a mind to barge in his room and demand answers but refrained herself. There would be time for that later.

_Yet, even if we ignore that, I was __hardly suitable__ for you, I was only bringing you down. Everyone wants to show off their love to the world and I was stopping you from that. I couldn't have asked you to hide all the time, couldn't have asked you to lead a life full of lies…_

_That said it doesn't makes it any easier, leaving you, doesn't makes it hurt any less… God knows how this wound will ever fill up._

_One more thing is eating me. Will you be thinking that I left you because I didn't love you? You must be, you don't know about the law after all or the demons I have been fighting in my own head… And it makes me feel even more helpless that I'll never be able to tell you, tell you again that how much I love you…_

_I love you Dora, my Precious, my darling girl, I love you enough to give up my life but circumstances asked from me more than that… they asked me to give up you. And hurt as much as it had, I couldn't jeopardize you; I love you too much for that…_

15 February 1992

_It's been six days… it seemed a lot longer- a year, a millennium… it's only anybody's guess how I have __survived the past__ few days. It seems such a chore to remember to eat, to wash… It's way too tempting to drink all my pain, become so inebriated that I don't even remember my name, however I cannot be ungrateful to the Morrison's… they have been nothing but kind to me… William often brings lunch for me for I am way too forgetful to go down and he's a sweet boy… I wonder why they are doing so much for me but I guess Jack feels that I have suffered something of a tragedy…_

_I stole away a photograph of yours, in fact one of ours, I wonder if you have realized yet… It's the one after we had just woken up on the next morning of your birthday. I stare at your picture for hours… I fear the memories of the contours of your face will blur away with time if I loosened my hold on them. I cannot let that happen; I have to remember you as you were- smiling, feisty, my adorable yet capable-of-kicking-anyone'- ass Precious…_

_You are the only thing I am capable of thinking of… It's killing me… staying away from you deliberately…_

Here the words were smudged as if blurred by water… however the droplets were round in shape, something she realized only too well… they were tears…

20 February 1992

…_I can't really believe I have survived this far, full moon is coming up in few days and I am very scared. I know from experience that it is going to be one of the most terrible transformations of my life. However this time I won't have you, my sweet Dora, to nurture me back to health…_

24 February 1992

… _It's amazing how every little thing reminds me of you. The color of the walls- a pale yellow reminds me of you because often you would don this color, the flower in the garden reminds me of you because I used to bring it for you, the sunrise reminds me of you because you used to love watching __the__ sun with me… I watch the sun alone now, can you believe it? That I am waking this early without another soul to __probe__ me but I guess I am a changed man now…_

_Do you watch the sun now? Who makes breakfast for you now? Do you remember to lock and charm your door at night? Are those purple sheets still your favorite? Who catches you when you fall? Do you remember to have lunch on time? Who takes care of you when you come back from __one of your __strenuous defense classes? Who wipes your tears now when you cry…?_

_Questions, questions… questions to which I have no answer to, questions that plague me all the time, questions that don't let me sleep… how are you fairing my love?..._

1 March, 1992

… _I can't for the life of it figure out if the time I finally fall asleep is best part of the day or worse… because I dream of you, each night I dream of you, of our past, of what could have been our future… I think they make me smile while I am asleep but they only bring tears to my eyes when I wake up to realize that the other half of my bed is always going to be empty now…_

10 March 1992

…_It's been one month since I left you and I just remembered that it also happens to be my birthday today. I realize only too well how we would have celebrated had I not left you…_

_Have you forgiven me? I think not. Have you forgotten me? I hope not. But I know you too well; you wouldn't have forgotten me so easily, you love me way too much… or did you 'loved' me? Do you hate me Dora?_

16 March 1992

… _sometimes it gets so difficult for me to control myself, to control myself from seeking you out, to beg for forgiveness, to just look at you for one last time… but I think- no I know, it would never be enough- just a glance of yours will never be enough, I want you, the whole of you forever, I want something which is impossible._

_I miss you Dora and I love you, even more so if possible._

_I will never be able to move on. I don't think I want to…_

9 April 1992

…_I live day by day, counting days, counting hours I have lived without you… it's been two months and I think this is the lowest I have ever felt. Yet I curse myself for feeling sorry for myself when I have clearly condemned you to the same fate._

_I was wandering near the park this morning. I met a little girl. I, for the __life of me__, failed to muster even a small smile for her… However she kept playing with the grass near my feet, oblivious to the danger I possessed. __Every so often__, she would glance at me and would give an innocent smile so much like yours… it ached me to even look at her. She looked nothing like you yet I saw you in her. I think that's what I have been doing lately, looking for you everywhere._

_And do you know the irony? The little girl's mother came to get her and said 'Come back Pandora, it's getting dark… the girl replied 'Call me Dora mum'…_

_I felt like crying right there…_

_And I did exactly that. I covered my face with my hands and cried for you… it was dark, no one really noticed… James would have laughed at me if he ever knew what a crier I have become… I miss you Precious…_

It was getting difficult with each entry for her to read on; she realized tears hung from her eyelashes, ready to fall. She didn't know what to think. She took a deep breath and continued to read.

13 April 1992

… _You kept me so warm. I remember your body always used to be so warm exactly in contrast to your feet __which, given__ any season, were always icy. I always used to get annoyed when you would slide your feet in between my legs but now I miss it inexplicably along with the comforting weight of your head on my chest, your soft hair tickling my jaw and your fingers skimming my arm. Sometimes I wake up feeling as if I can almost touch you if I concentrated enough._

_They say that wounds heal with passage of time. They lie…_

20 April 1992

… _I am always restless near full moon; it is the wolf in me, craving for some physical contact however this time I fear I cannot blame __it on the__ wolf. Physical intimacy with you is one of the things I crave for deeply among other things. I __had __lived like a celibate for way too long when you met me and then you made me feel alive in ways more than one… I miss it… I miss your naked legs running along my bare ones, your curious hands roaming all over, the soft skin of your stomach, the heat of your mouth on my skin, your moans, your silent screams of ecstasy, your sweet breath, your ever consuming warmth…_

Despite the tears that clung to her cheeks, she felt a shiver pass her spine and she blushed at his words. This had been one of the aspects that she had ignored as if it had never existed and had succeeded in it. There had been times she had craved for the same experience yet Remus remained the first and last person she had slept with. However, unlike her, she guessed he didn't have anything _significant_ to occupy his time with.

Suddenly another thought struck her. Had he given in to his desires and had looked for their gratification elsewhere?

Her heart sank and with it came another annoying confusion. Why was she concerned even if he had? He was no longer with her that time; he could have done anything he wanted with anyone… Yet her heart didn't accept it for some reason.

She found the answer in the next entry.


	17. Lost Without You: Part Two

_PART TWO_

* * *

21 April 1992

_I finally gave in the temptation to get piss drunk. Morrisons had gone out for a day therefore I had no one to answer to. I visited a nearby bar with very few money in my pocket. I knew I shouldn't be wasting it on such but that day the pain had spun out of control for me. I needed some comfort, something to forget the pain._

_Why wasn't it possible to forget the pain but retain your memories at the same time Dora?_

_I was halfway through with my process of getting drunk when I was disturbed by a woman who seemed my age, I don't remember much else about her. She offered to buy me a drink; I accepted. Who was I to decline if someone was willing to spend their money on me? It wasn't like I had trunk of money hidden with me._

_I kept drinking and she kept buying. The bliss of ignorance was slowly settling in… however that woman chose to speak up at that moment._

_Do you know what she did Dora? She propositioned me. How ridiculous is that? Well now that I am sober, it is not that ridiculous because generally when people do offer to buy drink to a stranger, they have an ulterior motive._

_For a moment I felt like laughing, as in truly laughing at that absurdity. But the feeling went away almost immediately to be replaced by irrational fury._

_I almost threw the glass full of whisky on her face; which I might have had the fury not cleared some of the alcoholic daze. I simply got up as gracefully as possible, apologized despite the boiling in my vein and left._

_Do you know why I got so angry? I felt as if she was propositioning to claim a part of me which only was meant for you. I was irrational I know, such proposals are not uncommon and she had no clue about my history and poor woman was just feeling lonely probably…_

_But I couldn't and cannot, simply cannot let any other woman touch me like you had. My heart, my soul and my body however battered, will always remain yours. Just because I left doesn't mean that I will cease being faithful to you. You are the only one I ever __truly loved__ and you will remain so. Despite you not being the first woman I slept with, I know as a matter of fact that you'll be the last._

_Someone might find it laughable but then no one is ever going to know about it and I am not aiming to please…_

Tonks felt a small smile grace her lips at the words which contained such deep promise, a smile that went away when she continued reading the anguished entries. There was an entry for each day and she was beginning to think it would take her more than one day to complete. She had thought that as days passed the pain in the words would lessen. However, though it appeared that he had gained some composure with passage of time, had got a hold on himself enough to survive on daily basis, the misery hadn't vanished from his words or from his life. The distressed tone remained constant throughout. It seemed as if the pain had taken a forever residence in his heart.

13 June, 1992

… _Jack's neighbor's daughter got married today. They held the wedding in their garden and they also invited me out of courtesy though I declined politely. I don't think they'd appreciate an ominous face at the wedding. I have forgotten how to smile and if by chance someone does makes me smile- it is mostly William- the muscles of my face ache with the effort. I am also not the height of good health nor do I have any decent clothes._

_That however didn't stop me from watching the wedding from the rooftop._

_Thousands of scenarios and questions roamed by mind. From where do I even begin?_

_I wanted to marry you, hell I still want to Dora but I wouldn't even have been able to give you a small wedding. Given the circumstances, we would have to hide the smallest possible ceremony from the world, with just two of us probably… that thought makes me incredibly sad. Why wasn't I enough for you? Why couldn't I be enough for you?_

_I __could not in good conscience have __condemned you to that fate._

_That doesn't stop __me from imagining__ for a moment that it was our wedding instead…_

10 July 1992

… _William's report card reminds me of you because I am so desperate to know that how are you doing in your training._

_Is Moody being hard on you? Have you been doing alright in your tracking classes? Sometimes I am so tempted to send Moody a letter just to ask__ how you have__ been doing but of course it is out of __question__…_

25 July 1992

… _it saddens me but I cannot stay here forever. I am a nomad; I am not supposed to have a permanent dwelling… Therefore I left the Morrisons. It just happens to be the day we committed to each other._

_God, it's been a year since we confessed our feelings and not a moment has gone by when I haven't loved you. It's been more than five months since I last saw you and though my heart now has dejectedly accepted the defeat that we were never meant to be, I still wake up hoping that you'd be by my side._

_What it is about you that I love you so much? That I love you even after being away from you for so long? I miss you sweetheart… happy anniversary Precious…_

_Does your heart ache too the way it aches mine?_

5 August 1992

… _I Floo'ed to France. It's a nice country and werewolf prejudice is minimal here; not that they'll ever know I am a werewolf. I have been here back when James and Lily had died and I was searching a place to escape reality. The similar sorts of circumstances have brought me here again though I think I am rather failing to escape the reality this time…_

13 August 1992

… _I have found a small job in a wizard pub here. It's sort of dodgy like the Hog's __Head__. Couples often come here for a secret snog… makes me mighty envious just to look at them… a troubling thought has started disturbing me. Are you seeing anyone Precious? I am sure your mother must have tried to set you up now that I am no longer there and I also know many in your department often had showed an interest in you. Have you decided to give them a chance?_

_The sensible part of me tells me that it is good if __it__ has happened, you deserve nothing less than that. But the selfish and __overpowering__ part of me goes mad with jealously and rage at the thought. How could I ever think of you with someone else? But alas I realize it is inevitable…_

Normally Tonks would have smiled at the tone of protectiveness or jealously but reading the helpless words made her heart go out for him. It was as if he had let go of everything and no longer had interest in living.

Her suspicions were confirmed with the next entry.

31 August 1992

_... Someone used to say that everyone comes in the world for a reason. I wonder what my reason was because I have become such a useless person. I merely survive now on a hand to mouth existence. What use can a man like me serve? I spend my day wiping glasses or things like that and then there are days when I am not even a human. Who is going to miss me if I die?_

_Perhaps you would. You have such a kind heart Dora…_

_It's not as if I have not tried to live or be of some use. Once I even thought of visiting my father. You always used to pester me to visit him. But seeing me in this form will do nothing but disturb and sadden him._

_I miss you and I know I said that seeing just a glance of you was never going to be enough, I live for that now. I hope to catch a sight of you somewhere, one day and I know it will have to be enough._

_I feel so empty inside…_

3 October 1992

… _Happy birthday Precious. I made a bouquet for you; not the one you used to like but rather a small one. By the end of the day I had disposed it off in a lake of course; I couldn't possibly send you, can I?_

_I love you my darling Dora. I hope you receive the entire world's happiness._

_I wonder what you are doing today. Do you still have the pendant I gifted you last year?_

25 December 1992

…_Sometimes I feel as if a rope has been tied to the end of my hands and they are pulling me in opposite __directions__. Sometimes the ache is so much that it almost seems physical…_

_It's Christmas… Happy Christmas Dora… my little elf…_

_I dreamt of you, which is not unusual but this dream is special. I remember how we celebrated our last Christmas. I dreamt of you in the beautiful lace negligee, managing to look innocent and sexy at the same time… I dreamt of you telling me you loved me…_

_Is it true? Do you still love me? Do you still miss me? If you still do, I know that day is __not far away__ when all such feelings will cease to exist in your heart…_

10 February 1993

…_it's been one year, can you imagine? If I look back today I barely can remember any details today of the past year. It all passed in a blur and I guess that's how my rest of life will pass…_

_What a waste of breath, what a waste of life I am…_

15 March 1993

…_why am I even alive?_

_God listen to me, sounding such a looser… my parents would be ashamed of me, my friends would be ashamed of me… what about you Dora? Are you ashamed of me?_

_Leaving you, being without is not the first hardship I have faced in my life. I was bitten as a young boy, my childhood has only seen pain, I saw my mother take last breath in front of my eyes, I saw first war destroy lives of my so many friends, I saw my friends die, I saw my best friend betray me…_

_But after a time I managed to live, I faired as __much as could__ have been expected in such circumstances._

_Then why am I such a mess now? Why every time I breathe, __is it__ like a burden?_

_Why do I__ still miss you as if it was just yesterday we broke apart?_

_But I do… and it won't change. Writing in a diary again and again __about__ how much I miss you, love you, I guess is vain but it is the only comfort I have._

_Therefore yet again, I'll write it:_

_I love you, my Dora, my Precious… I think you are __not mine any__ longer but once you had been, I shall take comfort from that, that once you have loved me like no other._

_I love you sweetheart, I miss you…_

1 August 1993

…_Sirius has escaped. That traitorous man, a shame on the name of friendship has managed to escape. Talk about unfair, huh? I think my life is unfair and unjust. But so often I find myself thinking about Harry. That boy's parents were taken away before he could even know them- betrayed by his own godfather. He has lived with his magic hating relatives for so long; I don't think he would have known any love. I had longed to raise Harry but of course that's ridiculous. A werewolf is in no position to raise a baby._

_Another reason why my being with you would have only brought you down._

_You must have realized by now. Are people at the department giving you a hard time because of it? I realize how much you loathed this association with your family…_

_I hate it that the little justice that had been brought to my friends has been jeopardized. I hope he's back to where he came from…_

10 August 1993

… _I have moved to Scotland, have been living in a rundown shack, it has been abandoned for a long time, people think it is haunted. It reminds me of Shrieking Shack._

_I don't know why I moved back… maybe it was because Sirius has escaped. I felt a strange need to protect the world, Harry, YOU, from him… he's dangerous I don't know with what agenda in his mind he has escaped. And obviously I won't be able to do much that is until my dear friend realizes that one of his old friends is still alive and decides to settle the score…_

_I look forward to it. I am ashamed to admit but his escaping me has given me a reason to live. I hope I meet him soon so we can start right from where we left…_

15 August 1993

…_can you believe who came knocking on my door today? Albus Dumbledore of all people… I was just happy to see him. He had exchanged rare letters with me in past but it was always a pleasure to see him personally. However I also realized it was no social visit…_

_Can you believe he offered me the teaching position for DADA and before I could decline, he told me that he can arrange Wolfsbane for me if I agree._

_I agreed almost immediately._

_It seems like I have a purpose in my life after a long time…_

_Wish I could personally share it with you. I am going back to Hogwarts… and I also know that you often visit Hogsmeade. Maybe one of these days I'll catch a glimpse of you?_

_Just a glimpse. That's all I want now… facing you- the prospect is very exciting- but I also know there is a hefty chance that I'll see hatred in your eyes. But if I don't face you, at least I can pretend that somewhere deep down you still feel for me…_

_Missing you from all my heart…_

1 September 1993

…_I saw Harry today, he has no clue who I am of course, but I swear I stopped breathing for a moment. He looks just like James and has Lily's eyes… I believe he's taken the best of them…_

Tonks thought that the entries now would have become infrequent but they were still regular, day to day basis. He had written how teaching these children was the best job he'd ever had and he was happier than he had been in a long time. Yet his happiness was painted with an undertone of lingering sadness.

He always mentioned her in every single entry even after he started teaching.

She read her way through as he wrote about his boggart classes and the Neville-Snape incident. It made her smile. He'd always had a penchant for teaching. He wrote as Harry started taking private lessons from him, their struggle as they both relived their painful memories. His struggle to hide the truth about Sirius, failing to tell Albus that Sirius was an animagus.

Finally the year was coming to an end and she reached his entry of that fateful night when he discovered that Sirius was innocent, when Peter escaped all over again.

She had heard this story many times but to read it first hand, seemed a lot more exciting. On one hand Remus was extremely glad that he had found his friend but was also saddened that the friend he thought to be long dead was the main fugitive.

29 June 1994

…_I resigned. Of course I had never expected to stay there for more than a year but it was still worth it. I found Sirius, I met Harry. He even said that he thought I was the best DADA teacher he'd ever had. Only worse thing that __happened is that__ now my condition has been __made public __knowledge. I am back to that shack but few times I have been in wizarding dwellings, I have been treated with hostility. I am glad that you are not with me at such times. It would have hurt you __horribly__ to see me treated like this. But it is the truth. I was born to be discriminated against._

_Another unfortunate thing that happened was that I never got to catch even a glimpse of you. I would often find myself in the streets of Hogsmeade __in the evening__, I was hidden well of course, but I kept hoping that one of these days I'll see your beautiful face and lovely smile… but I think fate doesn't __agree with me__._

_I also realize you are in the final phase of your training. Just few weeks and you'll be an Auror. My girl, my sweet sweet Precious is going to be an Auror. Despite being jobless again I feel __such pride__ for you my love…_

_Hogwarts brought me back from the abyss of darkness I had fallen in, the feeling of uselessness has dimmed a bit, I can sense something big coming, something which will give me a reason to fight…_

_But I still miss you terribly. I have a habit of extending my arm to the side of my rickety bed before I fall asleep. I can almost imagine you there. As a matter of fact I also know that the morning after I transform, in my half unconscious state I hallucinate… it's nothing unusual, I am mostly feverish but I see you. I see you brushing the hair from my eyes, tending to me, loving me._

_I can't believe it's been more than two years since I left you…_

_Will you ever forgive me?_

3 October 1994

… _Happy birthday Precious. I still continue the tradition of making the bouquet for you. I guess it is silly but it brings some comfort to me._

_Thinking of you always…_

25 June 1995

…_he's back Dora, he's back. The man who destroyed everything is back. It sends __a chill to me__ to __think what__ he's capable of. I am so worried. Last time so many families were destroyed; what will happen this time? I am so afraid for Harry…_

_I am so afraid for you… you are an Auror, even if Ministry is denying his return sooner or later you are going to be involved in this…_

_I'll have to go back to London. And with it, chances of running into you once again will increase… I wish I could protect you. Protect you from the evil man who destroyed countless __lives__. But you are no longer mine to protect…_

3 July 1995

… _I have just had the shock of my life and I also realize I am not in my senses. My hands shake and my eyes keep welling. You rattle me so badly Dora… three years I yearned for you, just a glimpse, just a hint of you and when I finally see you, I see you with a ring on your finger…_

_You got married?_

_I don't know why I feel so betrayed. That had been my aim all along wasn't it? That you can lead a normal life with a normal person? Then why do I feel as if I am dying from inside? Why does it hurt to breathe? Why my head hurts to just think about you with someone else?_

_Why is life so unfair damn it! I love you like I have loved no one else, I love you like no one will ever love you, not even your god damn HUSBAND… then why __did you have__ to end up with someone else? Do you love him just like you loved me?_

_It's making me mad… god I want you so badly…_

First, Tonks was surprised at the venom in his tone. The handwriting was untidy as if the writer's hand shook, it had been written with such pressure that quill had left marks on other pages as well and there were again familiar blotches of teardrops…

Secondly she was puzzled. When had he seen her with a ring? She remembered that on their first mission he had asked her whom she had married.

Then the answer hit her like a brick.

The Hogshead, Amy, the disguise… she had been disguised as Amy to take her place in a meeting and to complete the look she had worn Amy's ring… Remus must have seen her then.

Life and its ways baffled her.

… _It's all over for me. Whatever purpose I had felt in my life because of __the __reforming of __the __Order has gone now. I was nothing without you; however every night I could just pretend that you were mine. It gave me a reason to live. I can pretend it no longer. Wasn't love supposed to be beautiful? Then why is it hurting so badly…_

_My Dora my Precious Dora is no longer mine…_

10 July 1995

…_it's as if a boulder sized burden which had been strangling me has been lifted. I know I should not feel relieved but…_

_You are not married. I don't know why you wore that ring but you aren't even engaged… I know it changes nothing and hatred in your eyes hurts me more than anything but at least I can see you now on daily basis. That alone makes me smile. Maybe one day you'll be able to forgive me enough to come on civilized term with me._

_I love you my Precious and I am so glad you are back…_

It was the last entry on the journal. She put the heavy book aside with shaking hands and glanced at the clock. It was twelve noon. Sunlight streamed from the window panes and she could hear muffled chirping of the birds. Her eyes felt heavy and tired with sleep and tears. She took a few calming breaths yet her heart kept racing.

She lay down, clutching the duvet to her chin that smelled like…the usual occupant of the room… and started out of the window…

He had written each entry in the diary as if is he was writing a letter to her, as if he was narrating the words to her, as if she was the centre of his universe.

She was now confirmed that the dream she had seen after waking was really a memory. She remembered nothing after she was bitten by the runespoor but it fits. And that had been August… about two months ago.

The last entry on the journal was about three months back.

She knew what it meant.

Ever so slowly she closed her eyes and succumbed to uneasy sleep.

* * *

"Tonks…"

"Mmmm…."

"Wake up. I've got food for you."

She stretched and yawned, her head ached a little and her neck throbbed. Rubbing sleep out of her eyes she sat up against the headboard.

"Oh, it's you," she mumbled. Feeling self conscious, looking at Remus who stood in the doorway clutching a tray in his hands. "Come in, please. You don't have to do this, Remus… Kreacher will do just fine."

He gave a hesitant smile and handed her the tray. "I don't mind." He stood awkwardly, unable to decide if to sit or to stand, his gaze switching to the journal on the bedside table.

"Sit down. Soup again?" she asked sulkily.

"Yeah, well… that's all you are allowed right now as per _Healer_ Jones. She came, by the way, to check on you. You were asleep."

"What time is it?" she asked, breaking a chunk of bread.

"Five in the evening."

"I feel disoriented… I sort of slept the whole day and remained awake at night. Feel like an owl."

"Yes, well… why were you awake at night, though?" He asked softly.

"Couldn't sleep…"

The silence was thick and awkward. He sat patiently, waiting for her to finish the soup while she resolutely kept her head down. She longed for her hair which would have formed a curtain around her face.

When she was scrounging the bowl with the spoon, not failing to notice that it had the same taste as before possibly again made by him, he asked the question she had been dreading.

"Did you… read it?" His voice was soft and hesitant.

She chewed the last piece of bread slowly and nodded.

He cleared his throat and asked: "And…?" She saw him wiping his palms on his trousers. A sign of nervousness.

She placed aside the tray, not looking at him. Knowing all that she had read in the diary had changed the way she had been seeing him- and she was not entirely sure whether she liked that or not. She caught a loose thread in her index finger. First things first.

"What… law did you talk about in-" She jerked her head in the direction of the journal. "-about Ministry rounding up…."

"I met a friend of mine, back then. He's a registered werewolf. That day, I met him… he'd had a letter from the Ministry… it stated that anyone in the contact of a werewolf will have to explain themselves… and if their reasons were found not sufficient they would be held guilty of conspiring against the Ministry or of suspicious allegiance… a few people were even taken in… and there was no way you could have said that you had known me since before I was a werewolf seeing as… you weren't born then."

"I would have said that you are my parents' friend," she instantly replied.

"Do you seriously believe that your mother… would have cooperated? I heard you both, you know, on that day when she visited us. More like overheard. I knew she disapproved."

She frowned but didn't contradict him, deep down she knew he was right.

"I would have told them the truth."

"Then I would have been charged for hiding the truth of my affliction from a prospective Ministry employee. Either way it was our- your loss. People already disapproved because of your family connections… think what chaos it would have caused had they known you consorted with a werewolf."

"Loving a werewolf maybe frowned upon, Remus, but it is not a crime." She spoke in a clear voice and looked at him with conviction. He too didn't look away and stared back at her.

"See… if the word had come out…" He sighed and made a random hand movement with his hand as if searching for words. "Werewolves, vampires, magical creatures related crimes are handled by the Auror department. Knowing that you have a werewolf in your life people will automatically jump to conclusions that you are biased towards them in general. That you are going to pick them over the Ministry if the time ever came. Say, if in the future you ever got a case where the accused is a werewolf and you stand for them you'll be immediately dismissed."

"So I stop fighting for right?"

"No… but it changes the way people look at you. And I also know you don't care what people think but it mattered when you were still in training. If people like Umbridge- influential and prejudiced- would've gotten to know that you lived with a werewolf, they would've thrown you out of the training using any reason. That's why I left. I couldn't risk your career before it even started. It was your dream; it would have broken you, which in turn would have broken me. I couldn't in good conscience allow that."

She rubbed her face. She understood where he was coming from but that didn't mean he was right.

"You should have told me."

"Yes. But the only reason I didn't was… because I could never say 'no' to you. If you had asked me to stay, I would have and that would've had dire circumstances."

"You took the decision _for_ _me_, Remus." She swallowed.

"I know." His voice was so low that she had to strain her ears to listen. "But I just wanted you to fulfill your dream."

She nodded and looked away.

"I wanted to ask… when I left… did you think I left because I didn't love you enough?" His tone was such as if he feared her answer. Vulnerable.

"When you left… I tried to analyze everything you said or did, I couldn't find a- a flaw in that. I knew you left because you didn't think you were worthy enough but as time passed and memories blurred… I started using logic… after all when you left everything seemed fine to me between us… so somewhere deep down I started having doubts and I thought maybe you had ulterior motives… maybe…"

"-I didn't love you enough." He finished his tone grim.

"Yes."

"Do you still think so?" He asked. It looked as if he was daring himself to hope.

"No." She replied truthfully.

It was barely perceptible but he gave a little sigh of relief. The harsh lines on his foreheads relaxed a bit.

"Do you… will you forgive me?" He held such a pleading expression in his eyes that she couldn't look away. If had asked anything with that look she was inclined to agree to almost anything. He looked as if he had been thirsty for years and someone was swinging a goblet full of cool water in front of him, tempting him.

"I need some time… whatever the reasons were, however honorable they were… you made a life-altering decision on my behalf, without telling me, asking me…" It was true. Moreover, three years of separation stood between them.

He looked both relieved that she hadn't downright rejected him but also disappointed that she hadn't accepted his apology outright.

"Take your time. You even considered me worthy enough to allocate some of your time-"

"I wish you would love yourself before you loved anyone else." She interrupted, tilting her head, a sad and imploring expression on her face.

He looked startled.

"I have said to you before Remus, you need to fight for yourself before you fight for someone else. Whatever you are, whoever you are, it is not your fault. You need to accept yourself first. Think about it."

He rubbed his palm on his lips as if loving himself was an alien concept. He nodded anyway.

As he was gathering the tray, she handed him the journal as well without a word, and he placed it on the silver-plated tray.

Just as he was in the doorway, she suddenly spoke up, "I would have given it up, you know."

He turned with a confused frown on his face.

She clarified, "I would have given up my training… my being an Auror if it ever would have come to choosing between you and it."

He looked gob smacked. "I couldn't ask you that-"

"Aren't you listening?" She questioned emphatically. "I said I would have given up on my own will, not because you asked me to."

"But being an Auror was your dream Do-Tonks."

"Priorities change, Remus. Before I met you, being an Auror was my dream; that was my priority. But after I fell in love with you, you became my priority, my dream. I just… never got round to telling you that."

He shook his head as if not knowing how to react. It also looked as if he wanted to throw the tray away and hug her instead.

"But you still would have been unhappy… it meant a lot to you." His voice held no conviction.

"We cannot have everything we want in life, Remus. Besides, I was _still_ unhappy after you left. I wanted to fight for a good cause. _That_ was what mattered to me. Being an Auror was just a medium. That's why I am here, in the Order, risking my job, consorting with people I am not supposed to,"

He swallowed audibly and she thought she heard an _'Oh_ _Tonks'_ pass from his lips.

She flicked off the lamp and nestled in the pillows which he took as his cue to leave.

She knew she had a lot to think about, but she also knew that she had given him a lot to think about as well.

* * *

_REVIEWS PLEASE! _


	18. Clarity

_Thank you GinnyPotter6891 for helping me out with this chapter. Hope you enjoy the chapter!_

* * *

The door creaked on its hinges as Tonks swung it open. Entering the Blacks' garden, she thought that despite the wilted flowers and yellowing grass, it was still the least frightening part of Grimmauld Place. She circled her wand in one complicated movement and the grass sprang to life, turning prosperity green from a sickly yellow.

"I thought you said you weren't good at household spells?" Sirius asked from where he was perched on a conjured rock.

"It's not a household spell exactly." She replied as she shut the door behind her. "It's an illusion actually… so it sort of comes under the category of 'concealment and disguise'." She said as she sat on the grass near his feet.

"You were a topper in concealment and disguise, huh? Being a metamorphmagus and all…"

"Yes, but it's not just about morphing. It also includes disguising things around us which sadly does not come under my powers."

"It looks real," he replied, referring to the grass.

"Mmm…"

"Well at least the place is of some use… Do you know, when we first entered here, this garden was full of dangerous magical plants? Imagine my parents… planting venomous tentacula because lilies and roses are _too_ mainstream."

"Who cleared them?"

"Remus, of course… sold some at Knockturn Alley and gave some to Mundungus… this is a horrible place, Tonks… but I keep finding hidden trunks of galleons and treasures. You know what? I need you to do something."

"What's that?"

"Take all the money and get it converted into Muggle currency and-and make a donation…to some Muggle institutions or something…"

"And they won't get suspicious that one person donates millions of money at once?"

"You're a metamorphmagus. I think you'll find something." He winked. "I just want them to roll in their graves to see their hard earned _corrupt_ money being used for the betterment of Muggles."

"I'll figure out something." She nodded and then grew silent.

"Something on your mind?" he asked quietly.

She played with the grass for a long time. Hestia had removed the boulder sized bandage from her head, and in its place was a thin strip of gauze which allowed room for her hair. She had morphed her hair red which was accented nicely by the white dressing. People would label her as insane for being the only person who was fashion conscious about bandages but… it sort of looked cool though she would never admit it.

"He gave me his journal…" She didn't say his name. She knew well that Sirius would immediately understand about whom she was talking. "He started writing in it after he left… until about we met. He gave it to me so that I could read it."

"And did you read it?"

"Took me about ten hours to read. Continuously."

"You read… three years… about 365x3 pages in just ten hours?" His tone was of astonishment.

"About more than 1095 pages."

"You read it all in one go?"

"I was sort of… hooked."

"Right." She didn't look up but got a distant impression that he was smirking. "So your verdict?"

"I used to think…" She stared ahead at a drooping sunflower, dead from neglect, as a soft breeze brushed her cheeks and pushed her hair back. "…that it was only me who suffered for three years alone… But… yes, he made a mistake, but he has suffered, if possible, more than me… I at least had my dream of becoming an Auror, I had my parents and then there was Mad-Eye, my pillar. But he had no one. He lived with guilt, and has ached every second since he left."

Sirius was quiet for a long time before he spoke. "Why do you believe him?"

Tonks confusedly looked in his face properly for first time since she had entered the garden. He looked as if he hadn't slept properly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, the journal he gave you, what if it was fake? What if the things written in it weren't true?" he questioned, observing her closely.

"Why would he…" She trailed off. Sirius was searching for something in her. "He wouldn't write a thousand pages just to lie to me."

"Remus is an extremely skilled wizard; if it comes to it I am sure he can… create a whole god damn book within hours. What if he did so after you fell so that he could _woo_ you back?" Sirius replied in a very logical manner, as if he was a contestant in a polite debate competition.

She instantly recognized that Sirius didn't mean a word he was saying; he was instead trying to seek something in her.

"The… journal… I-I gifted him before and it has magical properties. When a person writes on it, the date- the _real_ date- engraves itself on the page."

"He could have charmed it. He's an ace in such things."

"No." She shook her head. "Don't play games with my head, Sirius. I came here to share it with you, not to get manipulated."

She was startled a bit when she felt his hand on her head, tapping it in a brotherly fashion.

"I'm not manipulating you, Tonks, sorry if you felt so. I just want you to realize what is already in your heart. Never once did you think that he was trying to deceive you. And you're right. That's how our Remus is."

Tonks puffed her cheeks and let out a huff. She raised her knees and buried her head in between them.

_Confused, confused, confused…_

She felt Sirius getting up from his place. "Think about it. Sometimes we search for answers everywhere when in truth it's right in our hearts."

He squeezed her shoulder one last time and left her to her pondering.

* * *

"Oh, good morning, Tonks." Molly Weasley spoke from her place at the kitchen counter where she was busy flipping eggs.

"Good morning, Molly, Sirius. Molly, I didn't know you would be here." Tonks dragged the heavy chair from under the table and sat down on it as she talked.

"She brought crumpets for me," came Sirius's muffled voice as he was busy stuffing the said objects into his mouth. Molly gave him a disapproving frown but didn't say anything.

Tonks raised her eyebrows in appraisal of the situation. Molly and Sirius argued too often but food was something they instantly bounded on. Molly loved to feed others and Sirius loved being fed.

"Is your injury troubling you, Tonks?" Molly asked as she placed a plateful of bacon and eggs in front of her.

"No, it's mostly healed now. I'm due back at work next week. Molly, you don't have to cook this much for us now, you know. We're adults; we can get by. You go to too much trouble for us."

Sirius frowned at her across the table and would have said something had his mouth not been stuffed.

Molly smiled kindly as she answered, "Actually, I sort of like it; with the kids gone back to school, it's only me and Arthur. And that man has far less appetite than any of my sons. I miss cooking for more."

"See? She likes it, don't discourage her." Sirius replied throwing a crumb at her.

"Dog." She muttered and shoved a piece of bacon in her mouth.

"Good morning- Oh, Molly! Hello." Remus immediately got over his surprise of seeing Molly and gave her a warm smile. "That's what I thought when the wonderful smell wafted upstairs that it definitely couldn't be Sirius in the kitchen," he spoke as he took a seat in front of Tonks.

"'ont 'ound 'o 'oyful'"

Remus frowned at Sirius's garbled attempt at speech. "Don't mind him, ladies, please; he's always been rude. I'm just surprised his feet aren't propped up on the table at the moment."

Tonks chuckled quietly in her breakfast at the lecture she knew would soon follow. Remus threw her a secretive smile.

"Sirius Black!" Molly scolded as the man in question glared at his old friend in betrayal. "We _eat_ on this table, we conduct meetings here, and we have spent hours cleaning this place not for you to soil it with your ruddy feet!"

"Uh, Molly… can I have more crumpets, please?" he asked expectantly.

Apparently Molly's annoyance didn't influence her abilities to serve and feed and she dumped another plate of crumpets from her dish to his plate, though rather forcefully.

"Remus, dear, here is your breakfast," said Molly, depositing another plate in front of Remus. Tonks noticed there was more food on his plate than Molly had given her, a subtle way of implying that he needed fattening up.

"Thank you, Molly. You don't have to do this-"

"That's just what I was saying-" Tonks interjected.

"Oh, nonsense! You should know by now that I enjoy cooking." She smiled at them.

"But I'll do the dishes." Remus spoke up like a true gentlemen, and his tone bore no room for argument, earning him a heartfelt smile from Molly.

"It's sickening how much she _adores_ you." Sirius hissed once Molly was out of earshot. "Even when you are a werewolf, people are supposed to be _scared_ of you."

"Sirius!" Tonks gasped, feeling defensive instantly.

"It's alright, Tonks; that's the way it has always been between us," Remus smiled at her reassuringly. When she saw Sirius giving her an innocent look, she rolled her eyes. Remus was right- they were the oldest of friends, after all, and oldest of friends had a weird rapport of communication with each other, something she would likely never really know.

"Tonks, that's a very pretty necklace you're wearing. I've never really seen you wearing something around your neck."

Tonks heart sank at Molly's voice as immediately the gazes of the two men landed on her neck. She should have expected Molly to notice even the slightest of change.

"Th-Thank you." She stammered as she gingerly touched her pendant in acknowledgement.

Sirius was immediately back to his breakfast, apparently not understanding the significance of the pendant. Remus's eyes, however, were glued to the pink zirconia pendant he had gifted her so many years ago. She had thrown it deep somewhere after he had left but now it adorned her neck, exactly after four years.

His gaze slowly traveled to hers and it was unfathomable, though the expression of nonchalance that he had been wearing had disappeared. He looked serious and moved.

"From where did you buy it?" Molly was asking again and she tore her eyes away from Remus to look at her.

She could lie but she didn't have much knowledge about it and if Molly decided to cross examine her, her lie would be caught in seconds.

"Um, someone gave it to me…" She opted for half truth.

"They seem to have wonderful taste."

"Yeah…," she mumbled and was sure a tiny blush covered her cheeks. She could still feel _his_ penetrable gaze on her face. Suddenly she felt as if she owed an explanation. "Actually, I'm having lunch with Hestia and my friend Amy…and I don't really have anything to match with this shirt, so I opted for this…" She trailed off and fiddled with her spoon.

"It suits you." Molly smiled. "So, lunch? Is it some occasion?"

"It's her birthday."

His quiet and hoarse voice startled her and her heart skipped a beat. Merlin, _he remembered_… but then he was the same person who had made her bouquets by hand for four straight years, even when she wasn't there for him to give to her.

His eyes stared into hers as if asking if she really believed he would forget.

"Hestia's?" Molly asked in confusion just as Sirius looked up.

"No, Tonks'," Remus answered as he looked away, a small timid smile on his face for some reason.

"Oh, cousin, Happy Birthday!" Sirius immediately exclaimed and got up, dragging her along with him to give her a hug.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Molly was saying as she came forward to embrace her as well. "We would have done something together."

As she hugged Molly back, she replied, "Oh, no, really, there's no need for that…"

"Come and have dinner with us tonight." Sirius suggested happily.

"I'm having dinner at Mum and Dad's…a few of my Muggle relatives are coming as well…," she replied apologetically.

Sirius' face fell so she hastily added, "Why don't we have evening tea together?"

"Yes, I'll bring cake-" Molly started, but before she could have protested, Sirius spoke up.

"No, Molly, it'll take too much of your time. I'll send Remus to bring one."

Remus nodded and smiled as if he would like that very much. Throughout the whole procedure of wishes exchange he had kept oddly quiet.

"You lot don't need to go to the trouble, really."

"Don't deny us, Tonks - at least this way I'll have some cake." Sirius gave her a pleading expression and she reluctantly agreed.

"Okay, then I'll see you lot at four this afternoon."

* * *

Hours later, Tonks was just picking up her coat from the stand near the main entrance and was doing a pre-functionary sweep of the garment to check for any hidden insects, as they had a habit of doing so in Grimmauld Place, when someone cleared their throat. She turned around and saw Remus half hidden in shadows. She had told him that she needed time to think and still had given no proper answer to his apology. However, whenever they ran into each other, they managed to interact quite amiably.

"Leaving?" he asked.

"Yeah… we have a reservation at twelve… wouldn't want to be late to my own birthday lunch," she replied as she pushed her arms into the sleeves of her coat.

"In that case I won't take much of your time. I just wanted to give you this-" As he came out from the shadows she saw he clutched a small bouquet in his hand. "White calla lilies and pink tulips. For you." He extended the flowers towards her.

She stared at the bouquet, her breath caught in her throat.

As she took it with shaking hands, she found herself asking, "When did you do this?" Her eyes were wide with surprise at his sweet gesture.

He smiled warily. "Got up early in the morning… entered this Muggle botanical garden, more like _trespassed_ as it was still closed, disillusioned myself and then disillusioned the flowers I wanted to pluck… sort of mind numbing task, you know, to pick flowers when you can't see them. I found these flowers right next to a sign stating that _'plucking of flowers is strictly prohibited, if caught the person shall be fined'_." He bashfully rubbed his palm across his cheek.

She took a ragged breath as it reminded her one of the earliest conversations they had, when she had asked if he had ever plucked flowers from a place it wasn't allowed for a girlfriend. And now… he had made such effort. She was overwhelmed.

"Thank you so much. They're very pretty," she whispered as her heart raced like a Firebolt.

She twirled it around looking closely and then inhaled their sweet smell. Her mind recalled the last birthday he had given her a bouquet. She extended the bouquet to him and looked at him imploringly and hoped he would catch on what she was asking to do.

He looked confused for a moment but then realization dawned on him. He took out his wand, pointing it at the flowers, he uttered the spell to keep the flowers alive: "Refrigero."

"Thanks!" She grinned.

"You- you look nice- different but nice," he told her with a hesitant smile, as if testing if he was really allowed to say such thing, his eyes lingering for a millisecond on the pendant.

"Thank you again. I should leave. See you later!"

"Bye."

She couldn't hide her grin as she hopped out of the gloomy house.

* * *

"Okay, so you ordered some Italian, I ordered Chinese, and you went for Thai," Hestia recounted as she rubbed her hands.

"Good, isn't it? There's a lot of variety in Muggle restaurants. Wizard restaurants are so… _traditional_; sort of sad that- you know- both worlds aren't encouraged to mingle," Amy remarked as she eyed her Chicken Chili Quesadillas greedily.

Hestia and Tonks exchanged a wary look. They were often so tempted to try inducting Amy into the Order; but she was a married woman and it wouldn't be right to ask her to hide such a big secret from her husband. Besides, they weren't really sure if her husband could be trusted in this matter.

"Eat your risotto, Tonks. We should have ordered a cake for you as well," said Hestia as she wrapped some noodles on her fork.

"No cake, please, I have to-" She caught herself just in time before she said that she had to visit _headquarters_ for cake later.

"You have to what?" Amy asked as she took a bite of her dish. "Mmmm… delicious."

"I- um- uh, Molly has invited me to hers for tea this evening; in fact after bit of window shopping with you both I am headed directly there." Tonks recovered, but the look in Hestia's eyes told her that Hestia knew she wouldn't be at Molly's.

"I'll come with you! Haven't seen Molly in ages, and besides, she'll have loads of food." Hestia spoke eagerly enough though she had met Molly just day before yesterday. Sometimes it astonished Tonks how fluent they had become in telling lies since joining the Order. "Besides I might get cake to eat."

"You're having food right now - how much more do you want?"

"Oh, that will be free food. I always welcome free food."

"Feed her some _cabbages_ for free - hopefully she'll enjoy that as well," Amy said conspiratorially to Tonks, knowing full Hestia's intent dislike for cabbages. Hestia shuddered.

"So, Tonks,"

The way Hestia said 'so' Tonks knew it screamed trouble. She immediately stuffed some food in her mouth so she would be spared answering.

"What's up with you and Remus?"

Thankful for the food in her mouth and that she was prepared for an uncomfortable question, Tonks took time to chew her food, trying to appear as if she wasn't attempting hard to control her blush under her watchful gaze.

"Who's Remus?" Amy frowned.

Tonks looked over at Hestia and gave a look as if saying, _'__Go__ ahead__,__ tell her that he's a werewolf, he's an Order of Phoenix member, __and__ that he is currently at the headquarters of an illegal organization consorting with none other than Sirius Black.'_

"He's the Weasleys' friend-" Hestia replied, rising silently to Tonks' challenge. Of course, she wouldn't have said his name had she not known what she was going to say once asked who Remus was. "-he taught Molly's children two years ago at Hogwarts."

"Right, I have heard that name. He was there when Sirius Black escaped," replied Amy. If she remembered that he was a werewolf, Amy didn't mention it. "What about him, Tonks?"

"I don't know. Ask Hestia!"

"What about him, Hestia?" Amy looked at their black-haired friend.

"There's something fishy between you two, as if you know each other better, _deeper_ than you let on. I saw it, I saw you both are so uncomfortable and awkward and different around each other-"

"May be that's because I don't like him-"

"Oh, it's not that kind of awkwardness; it's like- like- as I said, it looks like you two are much closer than you let on."

"We are not close," Tonks replied quietly. She contemplated telling them as she played with her food. She trusted them both and knew that this bit of information wouldn't be used against her.

"But you'd like to be?" Amy asked softly, seemingly catching up on the topic.

"No- I don't know," Tonks sighed irritably. She needed someone she could talk to about this, but would they really be of help? Neither knew Remus well."We-we dated a few years ago and we were happy, but… one day he just left," she told them in as few words as possible.

"Dated?" Hestia looked surprise; whatever it was she had imagined, it wasn't this.

"Dated?" Amy said at the same time in same fashion Hestia had said. "Why didn't I don't know about this?"

"I thought- I thought you guys had a drunken night stand or something, and that's why you were so awkward-"

"You and your hyperactive imagination, Hestia." Tonks glared at her, frowning at her theory. "We dated when I was about eighteen…"

"But then Remus would have been-"

"Thirty."

"Oh." Both their mouths formed a comical perfect O. When they snapped their mouths shut, Tonks thought she heard Amy uttering something that sounded suspiciously like _'older_.'

"You said… he left," Hestia inquired further.

"Yeah, he thought… he wasn't good enough for me."

"Why, is he an ogre?" Amy asked, and Tonks realized that Amy didn't know Remus was a werewolf.

"Something like that." Tonks muttered under her breath. "He's actually… not financially stable and sort of thought that he was freeloading on me…" She told them the half truth though from Hestia's face it appeared she guessed there was more to it. "He had-has self esteem issues, I think…. We met again a few months back at-at Molly's, and he sort of apologized."

"But that's preposterous!" Amy suddenly banged her palm on the table making them jump, attracting the attention of a couple next to them. "I mean-" She lowered her voice. "-how come he can just leave and then apologize because you just _happen_ to accidentally meet? It isn't as if he sought you out especially to apologize. It's like he saw you and he's like, _'Hey__,__ Tonks__,__ fancy meeting you here__,'__ and __'__nice weather__,__ and since __you're__ here I think I should say sorry__,__ and __is __everything else __okay__?_'

Hestia huffed out amusingly and mumbled: "When you put it like that…"

When Tonks didn't reply, Amy asked cautiously, "You aren't thinking to forgive him, are you?"

"I- it's not like as if he has been on an extended vacation-"

"I can't believe you-"

"No, really, you don't know the whole thing- he'd… he'd had a very tough life as in _really_ difficult. And besides… what will I gain if I don't forgive him?"

"What will you gain if you do forgive him?"

"Closure," Tonks replied, sighing as she recalled Remus' words. "I've carried this weight for so long… I just want to like- let it go and it's not like… we'll be committing or something. It will be just an acceptance of his apology. That's it."

"You tell yourself that, Tonks," Hestia replied. "If you once were together, it won't be long until you get together again- Sparks will fly. Where there's smoke, there is fire."

Tonks shook her head vehemently. "No, I won't… I can't- I don't like him like that; last time it was difficult enough. I am not going to repeat it again."

Amy and Hestia exchanged a long look.

"I give them six months."

"I'll go for five."

"Ten galleons?"

"Twenty. We're adults; our bets should be a tad higher now."

Tonks gaped at her friends with astonishment. Really, as in _really_!

"You can bet, too, Tonks-"

"Yes and your claim will be that you'll never get together-"

"And we can- like keep the betting prize of a thousand galleons-"

"-Hestia and I will share the money-"

"You- you both-" Tonks sputtered; how could they be so sure? It was her life, her heart, and she knew better. "Keep it ten thousand- ten _million_ galleons, and then I am going to roll in coins when you both lose the bet!"

Hestia snorted loudly. "Even if she sold herself she won't be able to pay ten million galleons!"

"Oh, I don't know." Amy adopted a mock contemplative look. "There are many blokes who'll give plenty to get their hands on a metamorphmagus."

"You both are mean! Damn it. It's my birthday!"

They both simply laughed, leaving an annoyed Tonks to grumble.

* * *

"I was like- I sent him to get a cake and thought it was going to be _chocolate_\- I mean, I like chocolate as well but not as much as Remus does, therefore he totally surprised me when he bought pineapple instead," Sirius was saying as he uncharacteristically served the cake. It was as if the small occasion of her birthday had filled him with cheer. Throughout the kitchen there were sad attempts at decoration, courtesy of Sirius and Kreacher (who had been forced by his master), but that didn't stop Tonks from feeling overwhelmed. The best thing was the table covered with a light pink, personalized tablecloth, full of wishes for her; it had various tiny illustrations she could relate to, like a phoenix, her Auror badge, a faceless woman with ever changing hair color, her boots, and many others. Something told her it was Remus' wandwork.

"I love chocolate, too, but when it comes to cake, pineapple is my favorite," Tonks told them, sending a smile of gratitude to Remus.

"What a coincidence Remus brought your favorite," Molly replied in a tone which suggested that she didn't think it was a coincidence at all. Their eyes met; however, Tonks looked away before Molly could read anything in them. Molly must have noticed that morning when Remus had told them that it was her birthday, just as she was noticing now. After telling Amy and Hestia about her big secret, she wasn't in mood to tell another soul for anytime soon.

"Thanks for the mousse, Molly," Tonks said instead. She had thought that it was meant to be a simple tea with only a few of them together, but it turned out something much more. She was glad that she had been accepted by the Order after being the odd one out for so long. "It looks so beautiful I almost don't want to eat it," she said, looking at the dessert plate.

"You're welcome. And it's good Remus brought pineapple; otherwise both desserts would have been chocolate."

It didn't escaped Tonks' notice that Hestia was now seeing Remus in a new light. She kept a watchful eye on them as if expecting any exchange of secret smiles or discreet brush of arms… she _thought_ she was being subtle.

"Hey, Remus, I actually wanted to ask for a favor from you." Everyone turned their attention to the speaker, Hestia.

Remus looked mildly surprised. "Yes?"

"I have guard duty tomorrow night and this really urgent assignment has come up. I looked up the duty schedule but couldn't find anyone to- oh, well, can you please exchange your guard duty with mine?" She gave him a pleading expression.

"Tomorrow, you say?" He furrowed his brow in concentration.

Hestia nodded.

He answered though looked a bit indecisive. "I'm sorry, Hestia; the day after tomorrow is the full moon and…" He tugged at his collar, looking uncomfortable talking about his condition. "… I'm really sort of tired the night before."

Tonks and Sirius exchanged a surprised look. It was so unlike Remus to decline someone's request for help. He rarely ever thought of himself, usually putting others first. The result of this was that he always ended up neglecting himself. To see that he was actually thinking about himself first was a real surprise. A pleasant one, Tonks decided after a thought.

"Oh, I didn't realize." Hestia bit her lip. "I should have checked, glad you told me because if you had accepted I'd have felt terribly guilty." She nodded sympathetically.

"No, it's absolutely fine…" He smiled kindly at her. "I'm trying to take better care of myself. Someone told me that I should love myself before… before trying to love others." His voice was a soft and low as his eyes flicked to hers and her heart skipped a beat. She had told him a few days ago to love himself, to fight for himself, but she had been so sure that it would be fruitless. But he was listening to her, even his eyes said that he was trying to make an effort…

"That's very wise advice they gave you, dear…" Molly smiled at him.

She had been confused for a long time; however now that she had read his journal it changed her perspective a lot. A bit of confusion and uncertainty had lingered about whether she really was capable of forgiving him in the true sense, if she was really capable of letting it go and never holding it against him.

That doubt was no longer there. She could see things clearly now.

As her heart warmed seeing a genuine smile grace his lips, she decided that she knew what she had to do.

* * *

_A/N: I hope this chapter wasn't boring, but after building things gradually for so long I didn't want to rush. Please review and tell me what you think._

_Thank you **ganastas, GinnyPotter6891, dftbamda, HP-Dramaqueen, shimotsuki11** (you are one of my favorite rlnt authors and I was very pleasantly surprised when I saw a review from you!) and **guest** for your lovely reviews._


	19. God put a smile upon your face

_Thanks to GinnyPotter6891 for beta-reading this chapter._

* * *

"You still go running?" Remus asked from his position where he leaned against the door jamb and scraped his foot on the threshold lightly. He rubbed his palms together trying to warm them up as the chill seeped through his thin sleeping clothes. The weather had started to grow cold and it was freezing at five in the morning.

Nymphadora Tonks adjusted the hood of her orange sweatshirt on her head from where she stood on the porch. Her pink hair peeked from under the hood, the same pink which adorned her cheeks because of the cold. "Only when I'm not sleep deprived," she grinned sheepishly.

It had been the bright light of a patronus which had awoken him. The bluish-silver jackrabbit had been hopping around his bed when he had groggily opened his eyes, and it had instructed him in the familiar sweet voice to open the front door. He had done so only to see a shivering Tonks standing out in the cold, clutching a pile of files to her chest. They were the files the Order had requested from her; she must have come to drop them at Headquarters since otherwise she would have been busy at the Ministry by now. They had placed the file in the kitchens and now she once again stood outside, ready to leave.

"And you are not right now?"

She shook her head as her fringes quivered along with her head. "I got off my shift really early yesterday; spent the whole evening doing nothing and sleeping, sort of enjoyed it."

Remus smiled.

She looked down bashfully for a moment. When she raised her head, she had a nervous expression on her face. Taking a deep breath, she extended her palm towards him.

Remus straightened and looked quizzically at her extended hand.

"Walk with me," she said in a breathy tone.

He opened his mouth to reply but no words came. Walk with her? Why? Where? They were Order members; they weren't supposed to know each other. What if someone saw them? What if someone recognized them? What if someone saw an Auror with a werewolf? Numerous concerns and questions went through his mind but he found he couldn't say no to her. How could he? She was asking for his hand.

"I'll morph so that no one recognizes me…," she replied tentatively, guessing the source of his anxiety correctly.

He took a deep breath and with it took a leap of faith. Summoning his courage, he shook his head. "It won't be needed. It's way too early in the morning. Let me get my coat." Not commenting on her look of surprise at his answer, he grabbed his threadbare overcoat that was hanging near the door since yesterday. Eager to grab her still-extended hand, he donned the coat to cover his sleeping attire, his ancient dark blue pajama pants still visible. He abandoned his slippers and slipped his sock-less feet in his shoes.

Turning around, he shut the door behind him and slipped his hand in her still-outstretched one. Feeling her smaller hand immediately close around him, his body immediately grew warm.

"I suppose I look quite silly with this mixture of formal-informal clothes." He chuckled nervously.

"It's quite alright. It's way too early in the morning for someone to notice." She gave him an encouraging smile as she repeated his earlier words. "This would help though." She flicked her wand and his feet were clothed in warm socks which were…_bright_ _red_.

"Red?" He snickered.

"Goes well with the dark blue."

She was smiling and there wasn't an ounce of negative emotion in her eyes. It sort of lessened his apprehension.

"Where are we off to?" he asked hesitantly, his heartbeat flickering with her smile.

She shrugged her shoulders but didn't say anything. She tugged on his hand and he started to follow her, their gait slow and languorous. Her eyes were staring straight ahead but his eyes were glued to her face. There was something different about her today- something _hopeful_.

What was going on in her head? He really wanted to know as they kept walking without any destination, his steps falling a little behind her. She still hadn't dropped his hand, and it was a good sign.

"Have you been to the orphanage since you left?" She spoke for the first time since they had started walking.

He shook his head. "No." He noticed the lack of bitterness on her face when she mentioned his leaving. "You?"

"Me neither. I sort of feel like… I abandoned all the kids… Rose, James, and others…"

"I feel like I abandoned everyone," he replied grimly.

She gave him a quick look and squeezed his hand lightly. She stopped walking and turned to face him. "Trust me." She told him and he replied in his mind- _Always_.

He knew it before he felt it, the familiar feeling of being squeezed in a tube, the feeling which intensified when one side-along apparated.

They reappeared in the alley he recognized very well; they used to Apparate here whenever they had to take a visit at the orphanage. Even the air around the alley made him feel nostalgic.

"It hasn't changed a bit," she replied, looking just as wistful. They walked towards the orphanage, their feet crunching the gravel. When he reached the familiar wrought iron gate he turned to look at Tonks.

"Do you think they might mistake us for thieves?"

She shook her head in amusement. "If I know Julia at all, I'd say she's attending to her flowers."

He huffed in amusement and swung open the gates.

As soon as they entered they heard a frail yet clear, 'Who's there?'

"Told you," Tonks mumbled from behind him and urged him forward.

The first rays of sun broke as they approached the grey-haired Julia who was wearing garden gloves with a watering can in one hand.

"Wotcher, Julia." Tonks spoke from behind Remus, taking two steps ahead.

"Hello, Julia."

Julia's eyes grew wide as her eyebrows rose in surprise. Placing the watering can on the ground she walked towards them. "Is this _Remus_ and _Tonks_ I'm seeing? Or is it still so early that I'm dreaming?" She looked same as ever, wearing an elegant dress coupled with a cardigan, though her face bore some new wrinkles.

Tonks and Remus shared a sheepish look, giving her a guilty smile.

"It's been awhile…," he mumbled.

"A while?" She laughed and gestured them to sit on the same wooden bench they had spent so many evenings on. "Three years… it's like both of you suddenly disappeared and then you suddenly reappear, shocking an unsuspecting old lady. She talked as she sat in front of them.

"You aren't old, Julia. You're still as beautiful," Tonks complimented her.

"Ah!" She batted it away. "But you look something, young lady. I see you're still keeping Remus on his toes with your charm…"

Tonks blushed but didn't correct Julia.

"That's a funny thing you're wearing Remus." Julia commented, earning a laugh from Tonks.

"She's to blame." He pointed to Tonks, grumbling half heartedly. "She grabbed me here without giving me a chance to change."

Julia smiled at them. "I am happy she did; it's good to see you both."

"Julia… How it's been? The children? I assume they must be sleeping but how they are otherwise?" Remus questioned.

"Any word from James? And Rose?" Tonks asked, anxious to know about her favorite kids.

"They are all okay…" Julia smiled gently. "Every week now, some get adopted and some are left here… James came here once, in fact, twice, to visit his friends. He seems happy. Our team visits him periodically to check if he's doing fine and Rose…" She trailed off, her face turning grim.

Tonks shifted uneasily and looked at Julia in apprehension.

"Poor girl… back about a year ago, caught influenza… she-she died-"

Tonks gasped, and immediately Remus sought her hand.

"-Doctors were unable to save her… died soon after…"

Tears brimmed Tonks' eyes as she gripped Remus' hand fiercely. Remus knew Rose had held a special place in her heart. She was the child Tonks had found after being abandoned by her family because she was a girl. That was the one of the reasons they had met, because Tonks had been here to check on Rose.

"She was always so… sickly…" Tonks whispered to herself.

"Yes, she was." Julia sniffed. "She went so quickly there was nothing we could do. Her death hit us quite hard; it was the first time someone was taken from us through death… it made us realize how badly we needed money if we want to keep the children healthy."

They sat there silently, clutching each other's hand when Tonks spoke softly:

"Julia, we'll help you with donations."

Remus looked at her in surprise. None of them were rich enough to make donations to the orphanage that would make a difference. He was on the verge of interrupting her when she mouthed to him what looked like 'Sirius'. Realization dawned on him. Of course, _Sirius_. Sirius was rolling in galleons even if he had no wish for it; he had often expressed his wish to put all the money to some good use.

Catching on quickly, he aided Tonks. "Yes, Julia, we can… just give us some time."

"Really?" Julia asked in wonder. "But how can you help?"

"We-we have some friends who are quite rich… we can just ask-request donations. They won't say no to us."

"That's wonderful! I mean… we could do so many things for the children…" She looked overwhelmed.

They smiled, glad that they were able to bring a smile to someone's face- a very humble way to begin their day.

"Julia, I wanted to ask a favor from you… I really would like to see James… I know I haven't been back here for a long time, but can we get his address?" Remus asked pleadingly.

"But will his parents allow us? I mean they don't know us," Tonks replied with a furrow in her brow.

"I'll give you both his address, along with a note signed by me. I'll add our seal to the note so they'll know it's legitimate. Let me fetch paper and pen."

When she left, Remus turned towards Tonks. "Thanks for bringing me here. It-it… I'm a bit dumbfounded. You know, I never realized how much I missed this place until now…" He looked around. It looked so familiar, despite a few changes here and there. This place had provided him solace during the times he had no one. He had met Dora here, and she had proved to be the biggest blessing of his life.

He hadn't realized their hands were entwined until she squeezed his. Just a mere squeeze of her hand was so gratifying that he decided to never take such a simple touch for granted again.

"I've missed this place, too. It is… powerfully evocative. It holds a lot of sweet memories." He saw fondness in her eyes.

Julia came back with the note, and they took their leave promising that they would visit again soon. They both wanted to do something for the children, though the sadder part of the world today was that everything required money. Thankfully because of Sirius, or rather because of _Mr_. and _Mrs_. _Black_, that was no longer a problem. The notion of the Blacks' money being used for Muggle children was really funny.

Once outside, he turned to Tonks.

"Is it alright to just…barge in there? I mean it's-" He made to check his watch but then remembered he wasn't wearing one.

"It's about six thirty," she replied, checking her own watch. "We can give it a try… I mean, we never know when we'll get time again." She looked hopeful and he nodded.

"Will it be okay to go in these clothes?" He pointed towards his overcoat covering his pajamas and frayed shirt.

She chuckled. "We can take care of that."

"Please, no red. Or orange. Or yellow-"

"I get it, something depressing and boring."

"Yes. Just like me."

"You are not boring."

"But you don't rule out depressing?"

She rolled her eyes and flicked her wand at him again. His blue pajama pants turned into brown trousers and the frayed shirt turned into a respectable color of gray.

"Socks still red?"

"Bear with it." She spoke saucily and scrunched her face, her hair turning brown. "I need to look respectable too."

He Disillusioned them and Apparated them to the address given by Julia. They appeared in front of the gates of a Muggle neighborhood. They entered and cautiously removed the Disillusionment charm.

"Seems a nice place," Tonks commented.

The houses were cozy little cottages. Each cottage had a small garden with a fence protecting the yard. They had been to Privet Drive- and it looked quite similar- though the typical snob appeal was absent.

They walked to number twelve, and they could hear a kid shrieking, frying pan sizzling—the regular noise of daily chores.

He grinned. "Seems like we aren't early after all."

"Nervous?" She asked, shifting her weight from one foot to another.

"Do you think he will remember us?" he asked, suddenly uncertain.

"He'll definitely remember you. You were his favorite _Uncle_ Remus," she reassured him.

He sighed and, taking a deep breath, rang the doorbell.

There was a clatter of some utensil falling to the floor and a shout from a woman, _'I'll get it'_.

Soon a woman of about Remus' age, black hair cut in a bob, was approaching them, clad in simple track pants and a t-shirt.

"Yes? How can I help you?" she asked them with a bemused smile when she was near enough, the small iron gate in between them.

"I-um-" Tonks started. "-Wotcher! I'm Tonks and this is Remus. You probably don't know us. Actually, we have come to see James, little James, we knew him at the Children's Home, and Julia has even sent a note for you-" Tonks handed her the small note.

The frown on the woman's face indicated that she was skeptical, and Remus couldn't blame her. Hardly anyone from his past life would have come to visit James so early in morning.

"Please wait here." She gave them a stiff smile and walked away, possibly to consult someone in the house.

"It's me-" Remus pursed his lips. "-I mean I don't look exactly-"

"Don't even start. She's just being precautionary," Tonks commented. "We should be relieved that she cares."

They only had to wait for a few minutes when the woman returned along with a man- possibly her husband.

"You are James's Uncle Remus, right?" the man asked.

"Y-Yes." He hadn't expected that.

"Oh, we're sorry we kept you waiting, please come inside." The woman looked flustered as she opened the gate.

"No, it's okay…" Tonks said uncertainly.

"I'm sorry I didn't introduce us. I am George Aaron and this is my wife, Kate." The man offered his hand to Remus and shook it with enthusiasm.

He had a niggling suspicion that the Aarons were actually happy to see them.

"Please sit." They pointed to a small set of table and chairs placed in the garden.

"James- when we brought him here, he wouldn't stop talking about you… we're glad that we've finally met you. And you must be Tonks," George was saying as Tonks and Remus seated themselves. "Kate, call James-"

But just as Kate turned a small black-haired boy appeared standing on the threshold, looking at the visitors suspiciously.

Remus stood, looking at the boy as emotion rose in him. All the children had been dear to him, but for some reason he had treasured James more. As he continued looking at James's face, he was reminded of various times they had spent playing, laughing… He took two steps forward as he watched the boy. Would James recognize him? It had been three years, and little children tend to forget quickly.

He saw as recognition dawned on James's face. "Uncle Remus?" His words were clear and the lisp which he had three years ago was absent.

Remus grinned and nodded.

James ran and Remus fell to his knees as they embraced. A laugh left his mouth as he felt the boy practically strangling him.

"Mum! Dad! This is Uncle Remus!" James told them, bouncing on his feet as he let go of Remus. "He helped me with my homework and he was the coolest person I met! Hey, Tonks!" the boy exclaimed when he saw Tonks standing behind them, grinning.

"Took you time to notice me, huh?" Tonks showed him her fist which he knocked back with his own little one, as they used to do.

"You guys talk, I'll send some tea-"

"I don't like tea," James announced bossily.

"Milk for you," Kate told him pointedly. "One of the first kids I've known who actually _likes_ milk."

"So, James, how have you been?" Tonks inquired as they sat after Kate and George left.

"I've been great! I got a new sister you know."

"Sister?" Tonks and Remus exchanged looks. Hadn't they been told that George and Kate weren't able to have children?

"We adopted Angelina three months ago," George remarked as he came back with two cups of tea and a glass of milk. "When James turned out wonderfully, we thought we'd get him a little sister and a little daughter for us."

"She's tiny." James told them, cupping his hands to show his sister's size.

"She's a year old," George commented.

"That's great! Congratulations."

George grinned and left them to it.

"And I even have a bicycle." James said, pointing to a small kids' cycle placed in the corner. "I celebrated my birthday last week, Mum and Dad said that every kid has a birthday and I should, too. I ate lots of cake and got lots of gifts…"

Tonks and Remus simply kept on listening, smiling at his enthusiasm. They had been so worried when he was adopted, but then their own lives had taken such a tumultuous turn that they had completely neglected him, but they never stopped thinking about him. To see that he was happy was a huge relief.

"…I have a cousin. Aunt Tissy's son. He got married with a girl months ago. I asked him why was he getting married? He said that Hannah was his girlfriend and girlfriends become wives after some time. Uncle Remus, is Tonks your wife now?" James asked with wide-eyed innocence, having no idea how distressing and uncomfortable a question he had asked.

Tonks's cheeks tinged pink and she gave Remus an embarrassed glance as James kept on looking at him expectantly.

"You know an awful lot about girlfriends, young man." Remus tried to break the tension by diverting the topic. "Do you have one?"

To their surprise James leaned back in his chair and acted like he needed to think. "Ummm, there's this girl down the lane…"

"Oh really?" Tonks drawled; thankfully, the strain starting to vanish. "And who's that girl?"

"I don't know." James shrugged his shoulders in a typical adult manner. "She has pigtails and she shared her ice cream with me because when I came the ice cream vendor had already gone."

"Sharing ice cream, huh?" Remus looked at Tonks. "Seems pretty serious to me."

"You're right." Tonks replied with a mock-contemplative look.

"We'll have to see where it goes." James spoke with such concentration that they burst out laughing.

If only finding partners were as easy as sharing ice cream.

They chatted for a long time before Tonks whispered to Remus that she was due at the Ministry in an hour and that she also had to get a change of clothes at her flat. They took their leave with George and Kate extracting a promise from them to visit again soon.

The sun had come up fully and he could see a few people coming out or going through their daily routines. Remus turned to Tonks nervously.

"We should go our separate ways," he told her once they were standing in the shade of a huge tree, its trunk shielding them enough to apparate. "People are starting to go out and about, and someone might see us."

She nodded. "Before that, Remus…" She bit her lip, the tips of her hair turning pink.

"Yes?" asked Remus, acknowledging that she was feeling shy.

"When I asked you to walk with me, I had to no idea we would end up at the orphanage, let alone at James'."

"But it was…good, wasn't it?"

"Yes! I'm so glad we did it. A burden seems to have lifted from my conscience. But there was another thing I wanted to say." She fiddled with the hem of her sweatshirt when she suddenly caught his hand in hers.

He swallowed a lump in his throat as his heart rate increased. He knew whatever she was going to say was important.

"What you did… was _wrong_-not-not the leaving part, though that hurt like hell- but the leaving without telling me part, leaving me to wonder what it was that did it. You _should_ have told me; I realize why you didn't but you should have. Leaving was your right, it was your right if you didn't want to be the _reason of my career __being destroyed_, your words not mine, but knowing why you left was mine…So, yes, you did wrong when you left but after reading your journal I've realized that you have suffered as much as I."

He wanted to interrupt but knew that it was necessary to let her finish first.

"You still carry the guilt and I carry the bitterness. We both have carried the-these negative feelings for so long… I think it's time to let go. I guess deep down in my heart I always knew that you didn't leave because you didn't love me enough, you left because you thought you weren't good enough for me… and I asked for time because I wasn't sure if I would be able to forgive you in the _true_ sense even if I wanted to… but I have done a lot of thinking… and I have realized…" She looked up into his eyes, her eyes as clear as the shallow water of a lake. "I forgive you, Remus. I forgive you _whole heartedly_. I have let go of every ill feeling, every negative emotion I had, every bitterness, and I want you to do the same." She caught his other hand in hers as well and squeezed them both. "I forgive you, and you need to forgive yourself as well. What happened, _happened_… you cannot change it, so don't blame yourself now because I don't, not anymore. And I'm not forgiving you because I feel bad for you, I'm forgiving you because my heart accepts that you had the best intention in your heart for me. I forgive you," she repeated with a smile.

Remus was shocked. He kept staring at her as various emotions rose in him- happiness, regret, love, compassion, sadness… she forgave him. After all that happened, she was _forgiving_ _him_.

"Thank you," he croaked.

"I'm not doing you a favor, okay? Don't think that."

"Say it again."

"I forgive you." She beamed as she saw a slow smile creeping on his face. "And we have to promise that we'll never- what happened, we'll never discuss it in a bad light. I'm never going to say to you that once you did this to me and you're never going to say that-that once you did something to me. Okay? And I know I said it before but this is the new beginning. Let's be friends in the true sense."

He nodded eagerly. This was more than he had ever expected.

She rose on her toes and leaned slowly to kiss his cheek. His breath hitched at the contact of her lips on his skin.

She withdrew and grinned at him. "I should leave now, wouldn't want my boss to have my hide for being late. See you at the meeting. Bye." She winked and Disapparated.

He stood there, gobsmacked, staring at the space where she had vanished. He lightly touched his cheek, the place where her lips had touched. There was the barest hint of moisture present and his heart hadn't slowed yet.

Uncharacteristically he grinned and gave a whoop, pumping his fist in the air.

His gaze travelled downwards and he saw that his pajamas were back and that his socks had vanished. He hadn't even realized when that had happened.

With a huge smile on his mouth, he Apparated back to Grimmauld Place, thankful that the Patronus rabbit had awoken him.

He was the happiest that he had been in a long time.

* * *

_A/N- Please review, it will be great for me to know that this fic is being liked, I mean every review/favorite/follow motivates a fanfic writer so much!_

_Next chapter will be up soon hopefully :)_


	20. Stars in your eyes

_Thanks to **Pan's box** for proof-reading._

* * *

"Coming!" Came Tonks' muffled and sleepy voice from inside as Remus stared at the unfamiliar door. "Who's it?" He imagined with her guard up, despite being sleepy.

"Remus Lupin." He replied anxiously, a familiar fear creeping his spine and caving him in.

"What colour are the earrings you gave me on my birthday?" She questioned, sounding suspicious. Of course she would sound so, it was one in the morning.

"I didn't gift you earrings, I gave you a pink zirconia pendant."

The door clicked and into view came a tousle-haired Tonks. It looked like she had hastily thrown her robes over her pajamas. "Remus, come in." She ushered him into the flat, realizing instantly that something was not right.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she spelled her door shut. "You look death warmed up."

He shuddered involuntarily at the word she so casually spoke. "Can we sit?" He asked as he turned to look at her. "Do you have something to drink?"

"Come." She beckoned him, grabbing his elbow and forcing him to sit on the chair in the kitchen, which appeared cramped with a set of two chairs and a small coffee table. She filled the kettle with water and placed it on the stove to boil.

"What happened? You are scaring me."

"Sorry." He muttered and rubbed his face with his cold hands. "It's Arthur."

"What about-" Her eyes grew wide. "He was on guard duty tonight." She whispered.

Remus nodded. "He was attacked by Voldemort's-" he ignored her tiny cringe, "-pet snake-"

"_Snake_? What was it doing inside Ministry? How did it get in? Oh forget it, how's Arthur?" She asked question after question.

"I don't know… I just know that- he was taken to hospital just in time…"

He told her about everything, how he had been sitting with Sirius when Phineas Nigellus had contacted them via his portrait, telling them something about the attack on Arthur with words like _'Harry'_ and _'Vision'_ thrown in between; he didn't remember much now, what the original message had been. How he had been to see Alastor only to learn that Dumbledore had already contacted him. Alastor had asked him to inform Kingsley who was to take over Arthur's duty.

He finished as Tonks poured them tea with shaking hands.

"Did Mad-Eye also tell you to see me?" She asked sitting in front of him, looking pale with worry.

He shook his head as he gulped his tea, nearly scalding his tongue. As soon as he had made sure that he had done everything he could, he had wanted to come and see her. He wanted to make sure that she was okay which was stupid because she was supposedly asleep in her flat but… fear invoked further fears in a person. It had begun. The time had come where they would start hearing about their friends getting attacked or worse _killed_. "I thought you'd want… to know of this."

"Thank you for telling me. I would have felt horrible that I slept the night while Arthur-" Her breath hitched and she sought his hand. "Remus he'll be okay…?" He wasn't sure if it was a statement or question, if she wanted to reassure him or if she wanted to be reassured but nevertheless he pressed another hand to hers and gave it a squeeze.

"He had to. There's simply too much at stake… his family, his children… Dora- Molly's Boggart-" He rushed in his worry not noticing he had called her Dora, but she didn't comment.

"Arthur is going to make it Remus; we just have to…wait."

"Easier said than done." He muttered.

"Waiting," she spoke grimly. "-is always more difficult than saying so."

He sighed and changed the topic. Time would pass faster if only they could divert their minds for a bit. "You changed your flat." He looked around. The kitchen was attached to her living room therefore he could see the rest of it as well. It looked smaller than her previous one.

"Last one seemed… a tad bigger for one person." She replied, removing her hand from between his. "Who told you the address?"

"Kingsley. I told him I was going to see you- and I would have apparated to-to your old one but then he asked, _'do you know where she lives?_' and I thought, _of course I know_, but I didn't say that aloud because that would have looked a bit suspicious - or not, I don't know - but he wrote your address on a piece of paper and I was a bit shocked that it wasn't the same address."

She cracked a tiny smile. "I am glad he gave you the address. The old lady who is now my tenant wouldn't have appreciated if you would have woken her at this hour and one or two of her cats wouldn't have taken to the visit kindly either."

"Cats? You don't mind your flat smelling of cats?" he asked, a bit chagrined that the flat they had perfected and lived in so lovingly, the place they had called home, was now a humble abode to an old lady and her cats. This flat however, seemed just like an ordinary flat with no personalization of Tonks other than a bit of mess and clutter.

"Cats aren't so bad… and besides, I don't live there, she does. And I go only once a month there to collect my rent so it doesn't matter much."

"Hmm…"

Three months had passed since the day they had been to see James. They had fallen into a very comfortable friendship and sometimes he thought he could almost glimpse their earlier relationship.

After leaving her, he had given up every hope of ever finding happiness, but now he was happier than he had been in a long time. She had become a frequent visitor to Grimmauld Place and they, along with Sirius, had spent numerous night talking, drinking, reminiscing, laughing… sometimes they would laugh so hard that it would ache. For Remus it was a double bonus as he not only got the joy of seeing Sirius (who often retreated into gloominess) rolling on floor with laughter but also the pleasure of seeing Dora laugh, her cheeks tinged with pinks and her eyes full of mirth and candidness…

She talked freely to him, had no inhibitions sitting close to him without feeling awkward, playful swats on arm or a hand squeeze for reassurance were now frequent between them. He truly felt that she had accepted him as a dear friend.

And he couldn't ask for more.

He would always remain in love with her. These months were like he had got to know her all over again. She had changed a bit and he supposed he had as well but in the core they were same Remus and Tonks. But that was the most he could have and ask for - her friendship, her true and deep friendship. He once had a lovely relationship with his wonderful girl and still a day wouldn't pass that he wouldn't think about that time, but he had accepted that those few months was all he would ever have of her love.

Sometimes they would drink and Sirius would pass out before them and she would fall asleep with her head on his shoulder. He would be so tempted to reach out and crush her to himself, kiss those lips until she was breathless; but a simple, secret kiss on her head was all he settled for.

And it was enough.

"Remus." She snapped her fingers in front of his face, bringing him out of his musings. "Where did you go?"

"Hong Kong." He smiled.

"Really? And did what?" She asked indulgently.

"Ate noodles."

"That's it? You went to Hong Kong and all you did was eat noodles? Didn't try those-" she gestured to her head. "-hats, cowboy types?"

"Those are found in Mexico: 'sombrero'." He told her with raised eyebrows.

She rolled her eyebrows. "Okay Mr. Remus-encyclopedia-Lupin."

He gave a chuckle that soon died. "I… feel like I should be there for Molly… but of course right now it would look very shady."

"Sometimes I wonder when it will be out in open. It may take a day, it make take years." She breathed deeply and then let it out slowly. "More tea?"

They sat there for a long time in the cramped kitchen, waiting for news of their friend, wondering whether he would make it alive or not. Having someone else to share his anxiety, who knew what it felt like, was a relief. He could only imagine what Sirius and the children were going through, waiting just as they were.

Remus was placing the cups in the sink when a silvery dog bounded to them and opened its snout to speak: "_Arthur is fine. He'll make it."_ It vanished in a wisp.

Remus gave a huge sigh of relief as he heard Tonks doing the same.

He turned to her at the same time she reached out for him. Without another word and wasting another second, they were in each another's arms.

"He's okay." She mumbled in his shoulder, gripping him as tightly as he gripped her.

"Yes, thank Merlin…" He sighed loudly, taking a ragged breath.

They stood there for few seconds before he realized how tightly they were clinging to each other. He could feel her breath on his neck, her lips lightly touching his jumper and her arms wrapped around his torso. His arms enveloped her waist, crushing her lithe form to his. He could feel her every curve against him, he could feel her chest rising and falling with each breath. His heart quickened and his face grew hot.

Apparently, realizing the same thing, she slowly pulled away, her blue hair sticking to his jumper.

"Um…" She tucked an errant stray of hair behind her ear.

"I should," he cleared his throat and withdrew from her, "leave."

"Don't be silly." She spoke immediately, her head snapping to look at him. Her gaze switched to the wall clock which now showed it was three in the morning.

"Sorry?" He asked, feeling a little startled.

"S-stay here; on the sofa I mean. It's late."

"I don't want to impose." He mumbled with uncertainty. He remembered those times _well_ when he used to sleep on the sofa in her flat. Unintentionally, he looked over to the sofa, which he now noticed, had been changed as well.

Noticing his stare, she spoke: "I-the older one is at Mum and Dad's. It wouldn't fit here… and you won't be imposing. It's just a matter of few hours and in morning I'll contact Mad-Eye, to see if we can visit Arthur."

"Oh… okay. In that case I am expanding your sofa."

She gave him a sweet smile. "Go ahead."

* * *

Grimmauld Place was barely recognizable by the Christmas Eve. The tarnished chandeliers were no longer hung with cobwebs but with garlands of holly and streamers; magical snow glittered in heaps over the threadbare carpets; a great Christmas tree decorated with live fairies, blocked Sirius's family tree from view; and even the stuffed elf heads on the hall wall wore Father Christmas hats and beards.

Tonks looked around with an open mouth, in wonder. She would never have been able to guess that this was their old, grimy and dirty headquarters.

"Looks really beautiful, isn't it?" A soft voice came from behind her.

Tonks turned around to look at Ginny and a full smile bloomed on her face. "Wotcher, Ginny!" She placed her bag on the floor and ran to hug her. "I won't be here tomorrow so I came to drop off the gifts for you lot."

Returning the hug, Ginny replied, "Why won't you be here tomorrow? I'll help you put the gifts under the tree."

They approached the large Christmas tree, decorated with baubles, tinsels and fairies and squatted in front of it. "I am having lunch with my parents, then every year, we have a Christmas party at my Aunt's- the muggle one, _obviously_\- so I'll be there."

They one by one started to pile the gifts neatly. "I like your dress…" Ginny commented looking Tonks up and down.

"Yeah?" She grinned. She was wearing a red colored dress, paired with forest green tights; a bolero jacket of same green color completed the look.

"Mmm hmm. Someone might mistake you for mistletoe only if you change your hair color to red and green."

"Like this?" Tonks asked, scrunching her nose and changing her hair to the said color.

Ginny grinned. "Just a sec." She plucked a small twig of holly from the tree and tucked it behind Tonks's ear. "Now you look picture perfect!"

Tonks chuckled and secured the twig in her hair.

"Oh I didn't notice Tonks- your boots- they look lovely!" Ginny exclaimed as her eyes landed on her feet. "Now, what I wouldn't give to have boots like these." She looked at them with a longing in her eyes.

Tonks cleared her throat and Ginny's attention turned towards her face. She rummaged in her bag and didn't have to look deep. She pulled out a large box wrapped in silver and golden paper.

"That's huge; in fact the largest of all you have brought." Ginny commented.

"Yes, wouldn't you like to see for whom is it?"

Ginny looked curiously at the gift. She leaned to peer at the tag on the gift. "For me?" She looked surprised.

"You thought I wouldn't get anything for you?"

"No but something _this_ big?"

"You can open it."

"But it's not Christmas yet." She sighed and looked a little chagrined.

"I'll give you a hint then." Tonks unfolded her leg from under herself and bending her knee at an odd angle she tried to swing her feet in front of Ginny's face, barely avoiding kicking her in the process.

Ginny looked skeptical for a moment when realization dawned on her face. "No way." Her eyes grew wide.

Tonks shrugged her shoulder in nonchalant manner. "I just gave you the hint, it's up to you what you understood."

Ginny excitedly leaped to reach to her gift. Picking up the box, she tried to gauze its weight. "Oh Tonks…" She gave a truly serene smile. "You shouldn't have… it must have cost a fortune."

"Oh sod off Miss _Fortune_." Tonks tweaked her nose. "It was on sale and besides, you are like my little sister. I would have got it for you even if it wasn't on sale."

"I love you, really!" She hugged Tonks's neck. Withdrawing, she fiddled with the bow on the box, as if restraining herself really hard to not open it. "Though Mum says we shouldn't gift shoes to our friends, but then when do we ever listen to her?"

"That's the spirit." Tonks told her. She knew often Ginny restrained herself from buying stuff that any girl of her age would want to because of her family's financial condition, but Tonks had hardly ever heard her complaining. Tonks didn't buy the shoes for charity's sake though; she had no clue what to buy for her when she had came across this perfect pair of ankle boots and she had immediately decided to buy those for her younger friend. Her mother would probably frown like Molly for gifting shoes but then she was never one for superstitions.

"Hello Tonks!"

"Glad you decided to join us!"

Two enthusiastic voices drifted towards her from behind and she saw Fred and George entering the drawing room. Just as she started to get up to greet them an early Christmas she saw another figure entering as well.

"Wotcher, Remus!" She grinned at the tired looking Remus, who held a cup in his hand, possibly of hot chocolate.

"Now where are our _Wotchers_, Tonks?" One of the twins -it was too dim to recognize which one- mock pouted.

"Wotcher Fred, Wotcher George."

"She's just guessing which one of you it is, she doesn't know for sure." Remus quipped to the twins as she rolled her eyes. "Hello, Tonks. You look like a walking mistletoe." He gave her a good-natured smile.

"That's what Ginny said!"

"Take it as a compliment." He told her and she smiled back. They had fallen into a comfortable friendship and she enjoyed hanging out with him now as much as she enjoyed spending time with others.

"Yes and our sister is right-" One of the twins started.

"-because-"

"-where there is a mistletoe-" they started advancing towards her as she took an uncertain step back.

"-there is a _kiss_."

"Be careful boys. Those boots she is wearing are deceiving; they just _look_ fragile. One kick from them in the shin and you'll have a bruise for weeks; none of the bruise remover from your mother will heal it." Remus spoke from where he stood leaning against the wall. The twins halted in their tracks, their gaze shifting to her boots.

"That was an accident Remus." She told him _again_ for hundredth time.

"I still have the bruise." He replied grinning behind his mug.

"Never mind. We respect ladies in combat-"

"-and we are sure our dear Auror deserves a Christmas kiss on cheek after such hard work."

She stood where she was and let them advance to her. They both took their position each on her side. Just as they bent to kiss her cheek simultaneously, she extracted her head at the last moment, and their lips collided with each other.

"Fred!" "George!" They exclaimed other's name and sprang a foot apart, scrubbing their lips with their hands furiously as the rest of them burst out laughing.

"Not fair, Tonks!"

She grinned at them slyly and in order to appease them, she placed a kiss on each of the twins' cheek. "Happy Christmas to you too, Ginny." She smiled at her friend again, kissing her cheek as well and getting one in return.

"Give one to our dear Moony too, Tonks." Fred, maybe, grinned devilishly at Remus who stood watching silently them with a smile. Tonks struggled to hide her blush; even after being comfortable around each other, such topics were still often awkward. She avoided Remus' eyes.

"Yes, we the men of Grimmauld Place-"

"-abandoned and unloved-"

"-and unfortunate-"

"I don't remember being you lonely Fred! Or you, George! Last week when we were at school, I found you rather busy with-" Ginny started with her hands on her hips when one of the twins spoke over her.

"OKAY Ginny, don't you want your gift…" Thankfully, they started bickering among themselves, and conversation diverted to a more comfortable topic. She walked over to where Remus stood as he straightened up, seeing her approach.

"I should leave now, it's getting late and I have to get up early in the morning. I have one shift at the Ministry before I leave for home."

"I'll walk you to the door." He told her as he sent his mug towards the kitchen with a measured flick of his wand, making her envious of his deft wandwork.

She nodded as they started to move. "I assume Sirius is asleep?"

"Yes. He had a long chat with Harry and it… I saw him happy after a long time."

"Who?"

He smiled softly. "Both. Sirius is very much in Christmas cheer; reminds me a bit of our school days."

"Well in that case, wish him Merry Christmas on my behalf."

"Sure." They stopped just before the threshold. "When will we get to see you next?"

"Hopefully soon; in three or four days maybe. Believe it or not, but this place has become sort of a second home to me."

"I can imagine that."

"Well, I shall take my leave." She didn't really feel like going. It was strange but she wanted to spend her Christmas here; she wanted to be with all the children, she wanted to help Fred and George in whatever tricks they had planned for Christmas, she wanted to help Ginny in teasing the twins, she wanted to see Ron's and Hermione's growing friendship, she wanted to witness Sirius and Harry bonding over eggnog, she wanted to have Molly's famous Christmas dinner she had heard so much about and she wanted to hang out with Remus, silently joking about things only they understood.

"Merry Christmas. Take care." He smiled at her with _that_ look in his eyes- the same look she had been seeing a lot in his eyes lately but failed to put her finger on what it meant. He bent his face towards her and she stood still in anticipation of his action.

His lips barely grazed her cheek and she stopped breathing for few seconds. "Bye." He whispered softly, his breath slightly fanning her lips and she reminded herself to breathe again.

She swallowed. "Merry Christmas to you too." Her voice came out huskier than she would have liked. She cleared her throat and then mustering a half smile, she spoke her final words of the night to him. "Bye."

She had difficulty moving from her position but she forced herself to. _I don't want to go_, her mind screamed but within seconds, she was out and didn't turn back to look when she immediately didn't hear the tell tale click of the door shutting. It was chilling outside and her hands were freezing, but for her face felt hot and her heartbeat was racing. Taking a deep breath to steady herself she turned around the corner towards the apparition point just before she heard the distant sound of the main door of Grimmauld Place shutting.

* * *

"We should play some games." Ginny spoke from her perch on the floor, where she was squatting with Crookshanks snuggled in her lap. She was leaning against the leg of the sofa on which Tonks sat with her feet tucked in. Tonks raised her eyebrows at Ginny's suggestion:

"What game?"

"The only game I am willing to play," said Ron who was deeply engrossed in a chess match with George, "besides chess is Quidditch."

"Yes, Quidditch! Playing this late at night when it is freezing out, is a fantastic feeling." George replied to his brother and Tonks realized that he wasn't being sarcastic.

"Love the feeling when your hands go numb clutching the broom-" started Fred and Tonks thought she heard Hermione, who was sitting next to her, mutter _'here we go'_.

"-when the air hurts your face-" George continued and surprisingly, Ron added:

"-when you almost go blind with cold-"

"AS MUCH AS," Ginny spoke over them before the sentence could be continued by Fred. "-I love late night Quidditch, we must not forget-"

"-that we don't have our brooms." Harry completed for her from where he sat with Sirius on another sofa, near the fireplace, seeing some photographs which Sirius wouldn't let them see. "That toad confiscated it." He spoke bitterly, adjusting his specs. Tonks thought he hadn't meant to say that aloud.

"I'll get you another one." Sirius spoke lightly.

Harry snorted and shook his head good-naturedly but didn't say anything.

"Please get a Firebolt for me as well Sirius." Tonks pleaded with her cousin.

"I'd like one too." Ginny looked up from her task of scratching Crookshanks' ears.

"One for us as well." Fred and George said together while Sirius looked on at them, mouth agape.

"And why not me?" Ron frowned.

"Now Sirius while you are buying about," Remus, who was sitting adjacent to Tonks in an armchair, raised his eyes from the book in his lap and counted the lot of them. "-six Firebolts, I don't think a seventh one will hurt you, I haven't owned a good broom in ages."

After staring at them owlishly for few moments, Sirius closed his mouth and looked at Harry. "Sorry, you'll have to just wait to get your old one back." He told him solemnly, and they all laughed.

"Let's play something." Ginny spoke again to bring them back to the topic. "Some indoor game."

"Some game in which we shall tell something about us which no one knows; so that we can get to know each other better." Hermione spoke excitedly.

All the boys looked vaguely uncomfortable at the notion of telling something about themselves. "You know us well already." Muttered Ron.

"Yeah, it won't be fun Hermione, trust me, Ron hasn't really got enough of a life to tell us something worth listening to." Ginny smirked, teasing her brother who threw a fallen chess piece at her, causing Crookshanks to hiss.

"Yes but we don't know much about Professor Lupin-"

"_Remus_, Hermione." Remus interrupted her gently.

"Er, Remus- we don't know much about Remus and Sirius, we should just play a game involving these two."

"Keep me out of it." Sirius told them pointedly.

"Don't keep him against me, he is scared of losing." Remus replied leaning back in the chair and Tonks smiled into her hand silently.

"As if."

"Oh come on, don't be a spoilsport, Sirius." Tonks quipped.

"It will be fun! Moony vs. Padfoot!" Ginny exclaimed.

"There's not going to be a _'Moony vs. Padfoot'_." Sirius looked like a cornered animal.

"No, really," Harry piled up all the photos and kept them aside and looked at his godfather. "-let us have a Moony vs. Padfoot match."

"We can duel." Sirius suggested.

"No duel," Remus instantly replied. "Molly and Arthur are asleep upstairs and just admit it, we'll make a ruckus during the duel."

And then started the rain of suggestions.

"Let's have a game of _Never Have I Ever_!"

"I don't want a hangover tomorrow morning-"

"Dumb Charades-"

"My five year old self wouldn't play that game, it's childish and _dumb_!"

"Chess match-"

"Sirius is pathetic at chess, he will be finished in two minutes."

"Gobstones-"

"It will create a mess!"

"Truth and dare between these two!"

"I am not playing the dares Remus gives me-"

"I am not answering the truth questions Sirius asks me-"

"OKAY!" Hermione shouted, causing them to all shut up. "We can ask Remus and Sirius stuff to answer or stuff to do, and since we are _children_," She emphasized the word while rolling her eyes as if just humoring them. "-we will be gentle with our queries."

Fred and George were sporting identical grins.

"Since Fred and George have made a thriving progression from adolescence to adulthood, and technically are no longer children, they will merely observe." Remus was quick to amend, causing the identical grins to drop. "And you won't ask anything either." He suddenly pointed to a very unsuspecting, too-innocent looking Tonks.

"Me? Never!" She looked at him in mock hurt that he would even suggest such thing.

"Go ahead then." Sirius looked resigned.

"When was your first kiss, Sirius?" Ginny started.

"Erm… at eight." He shifted uneasily, avoiding Harry's eyes as if not wanting him to think he was a bad example. But Harry looked impressed if anything.

"Eight years? You were eight years old?" Fred asked with raised eyebrows.

"Sirius you do realize that they want to know your first real _snog_, not the first time your mother kissed your cheek." Tonks jibed at him.

"Oh it was his first snog, please enlighten them Sirius." It was Remus who answered with a smirk and all of them looked at the pair of them with eager eyes.

"I had this cousin, he was sixteen-"

"Your first kiss was with a male?" Tonks interrupted.

"No Nymphadora, if you'd let me finish."

Tonks glared, but didn't say anything.

"So well- I was eight and my cousin visited this place with his girlfriend. Now you know Blacks, how deranged the lot of them are - well with exception to me-" Snorts were heard but he adamantly ignored them. "My father had this potion lab kind of thing, kept all kinds of potion. There was polyjuice in there as well, and the Black kids were taught about such stuff - _potential_ dark stuff-" he looked disgusted as he went on and Tonks remembered her mother telling her something along these lines. It was no wonder Black children were inclined towards dark magic from such a small age. What was a wonder was that people like Andromeda and Sirius had escaped such a fate. "- and I knew what polyjuice was and how it worked. I don't know what came over me but I changed to my cousin and snogged his girlfriend. I don't think either of them ever found out."

"And you were eight?" The boys looked at him with newfound respect.

Sirius shrugged, unable to hide how pleased he was with their reaction.

"Oh well…" Hermione snapped them out of it. "Prof- Remus, who was your last kiss?"

Tonks stiffened immediately, knowing what the answer was. Her eyes landed on Sirius who also knew the answer and wasn't looking apprehensive, but appeared as if he was enjoying Remus' predicament. Ever so slowly, Tonks turned her neck to look at Remus who had bit pink ears and was staring at the floor, drumming his fingers on his thighs.

"Yes, Moony, do tell… I had been in prison for years and I did miss a lot on your life. It is a good opportunity as any to catch up." Remus raised his eyes without raising his neck and glared at Sirius with narrowed eyes. His look was enough to freeze water but it didn't deter Sirius.

Remus straightened and cleared his throat as everyone kept watching him like a hawk. His delayed answer was increasing everyone's curiosity. Just before opening his mouth his eyes flicked to Tonks's discreetly but he looked away before she could read them.

_God, was he going to say her name?_

"My last kiss was…" Remus looked at Hermione as Tonks started flinching in anticipation of his answer. "With...a girl."

They all groaned as Tonks gave a sigh of relief. "No really!"

"Hermione asked _who_ my last kiss was and not what was the _name_ of the person, my answer stands correct." He defended himself.

"Well now I am asking: what was her name?" Ginny spoke exasperatedly.

"You can ask only one question at a time and also before you think of asking me her name the second time, well rules state that you cannot frame same question in two ways…" He looked smug.

"Hermione be more specific next time." Ron spoke irritably; after all, boys enjoyed a good dose of gossip too.

"You do it next time then!" She snapped at him and Ron looked horrified at the prospect of asking his ex-professor the name of the girl he had last kissed.

"Well, it's Sirius' turn now." Harry brought them back to the attention.

"Sirius," they switched their gaze to Hermione who took a deep breath as if bracing herself. "I dare you to summon Kreacher and tell him that he is a good house elf and that you appreciate his efforts." She spoke in a rush and looked little flustered, knowing what will follow.

Various cries of _'Hermione'_ were heard but among them Sirius' _'No'_ was the most prominent. Tonks winced and glanced at Remus warily. He looked uncertain as well. Sirius had been doing fine these days and had effectively managed to avoid any sort of tussle with Kreacher.

"You aren't going to say no to a dare are you?" Hermione replied, not backing down.

"I will if it is something so pointless. Good house elf? Efforts? Efforts for what? For bad mouthing us all the time?" Sirius barked. He didn't look angry at Hermione but rather at the elf, who wasn't even present.

"Sirius." Remus warned. "It's just a small dare."

"He's a misguided elf, Remus-"

"-who are you kidding, Hermione?" Ron started. Ron shared Sirius' dislike equally when it came to Kreacher, probably because the elf was most hostile to Hermione.

"Wait," Tonks interjected when she detected that this was going nowhere. "Sirius," She called him gently. "Come on, it's not a big deal. Who knows, it might shock him and shut him into oblivion for few days." She silently pleaded with him to not stretch the matter. Hermione didn't look pleased at the prospect of shutting the elf away, but said nothing.

"Please, Sirius." It was Harry's voice that did it in the end, though.

"Okay." Sirius looked resigned. "KREACHER!" He bellowed. When the elf didn't appear in two seconds, Sirius turned to Hermione. "I called him, he's not coming, move on to next round."

"B-but he always answers- I mean that's how elves work-"

"He's been missing a lot lately."

"Just try once more."

Sirius huffed and tried again. "KREACHER!" Sirius was starting to look relieved when the elf didn't appear immediately; however to his utter dismay (and to many other in the room), there was a loud crack and Kreacher materialized in front of them.

"Master called Kreacher." He bowed in front of Sirius, his snout like nose almost touching the ground and as usual, he muttered in his bullfrog voice, pretending they couldn't hear him. "Master, the ungrateful swine, disturbing Kreacher, consorting with blood traitors and filthy animals, befouling my mistress' house…"

"Stand straight, Kreacher!" Sirius barked as the elf straightened, waiting for his order.

Sirius casted a disdainful look to Remus and looked really uncomfortable. Hermione kept staring in hopeful eagerness and other boys were trying not to laugh, secretly enjoying the situation Sirius was in.

Sirius cleared his throat, effectively cutting off the elf's mutterings. "I want to say that…" his voice was stiff, his shoulders rigid as he stared at the ceiling, his lips narrowed into a thin line. "You are a good house elf and your master appreciates your efforts."

It looked as if Kreacher was really shut into oblivion. "Master is kind." He croaked, finally bowing in front of Sirius and then muttering, "Azkaban addled nasty master's brain, it was master's right place, murderer master trying to thank Kreacher…"

"Go now! Just go back to wherever it was you were rotting before." Sirius glared as Kreacher vanished faster than he had appeared. "See?" he spoke to Hermione.

"He's the way wizards have made him Sirius, it will take time; he deserves kindness-"

"What he deserves is a sharp kick in the shins-"

"Okay let's move to another round!" Ginny almost shrieked, understanding they were heading towards an endless debate over Kreacher.

"Be nice, Ginny." Remus smirked. "I am afraid I am not as daring as Sirius." He stifled his laughter. Sometimes it was really bewildering that how quickly the moods of these two friends could change.

"Don't worry, it is going to be much easier." Ginny shifted on floor and rubbed her hands in excitement. The boys leaned forward, keen to hear what she had in mind for Remus. "I have heard from various sources that you can sing really well. So, sing a song!"

Fred and George slapped their forehead in unison. "We expected better from you, Ginny."

"I can't- I don't sing- who told you anyway?" Remus leant back, flush against the back of his armchair as if trying to disappear.

Tonks avoided his eyes; hopefully he wouldn't notice her sheepish look. She might have let slip it to Ginny once or twice….

"It doesn't matter Remus, sing us a song. It's been years since I heard your melodious voice." Sirius was back in action, knowing full well how things like dancing and singing in public made him uncomfortable.

"I- no please- I hear your mother calling-"

Various shouts of _'no'_, _'sit down'_, '_please_' rang in the room and Tonks stifled laughter at his obvious discomfort.

"Come on Remus, it's just a song!" Ginny pleaded, fully facing her ex-professor from where she sat on the floor. Tonks placed her elbow on the armrest of the sofa and cupped her mouth with her palm as she observed him from beneath her fringe.

Remus sighed miserably and scratched his forehead. It looked as if a small battle was raging within him. On one hand it appeared as if he would give anything to bolt away and on other hand he didn't feel like ignoring children's eager and pleading expressions.

"Er… okay, but I have a condition."

"What is it?" Sirius asked.

"First all of you will close your eyes, no watching me," Ron sniggered and Remus looked pointedly at him. "And no laughing either." Ron immediately pressed his lip shut.

"And do you want to blindfold us as well?" Sirius spoke snidely earning a few laughs.

"And you all will have to turn around so that I don't have to worry about anyone of you peeking. It makes me nervous."

Slowly each one of them started to close their eyes, turning their back to Remus. When Tonks didn't move and kept smirking lightly, he said, "You too, Madam."

"Such lack of confidence Remus, how did you manage to become a successful teacher?"

"Yeah? I was a defense teacher, not music. Now turn around and close your eyes or else I'll definitely blindfold _you_."

"Okay, Professor." She snickered but did as he wished.

For few seconds they sat in silence, when no voice came, Harry asked, "He didn't run, did he?"

"No, I am here." His soft voice came from behind, reaching Tonks' ear. She could almost imagine him sitting with hands joined in his lap and his foot tapping nervously. "Though I am tempted to…" he spoke under his breath.

"You are going to sing today, right?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, if you will shut up." Remus snapped and cleared his throat.

The clearing of the throat continued for a while, making them all laugh. Tonks peeked her eyes open to see everyone obediently sitting with their backs turned to Remus.

"So, well…" finally Remus said. "This song is from a Wizard band… Coldplay I think… they are a bit new… ahem…"

Tonks opened her eyes fully; she tried to look from the corner of her eyes but only managed to see his foot which, she had correctly assumed, was tapping against the floor.

Just before he began to sing, just as he took a deep breath, she felt the air around her crackle with tension. The hair on the back of her neck stood and somehow she knew he was watching her. The atmosphere around her became tense and she resisted looking at him, afraid of what she will find in his eyes. Her heartbeat fell into a fast rhythm as he started to sing.

"Come up to meet you…" his calm voice washed over her and she shivered. "…tell you I'm sorry…"

Ever so slowly, as if her neck was moving without her consent, she started to turn towards him. His voice was as lovely as ever, majestic; and everyone around them seemed to be holding their breaths, not wanting to miss out a single melody or note. She knew they hadn't expected him to sing so nicely. She shifted quietly and her eyes met his. He was looking straight at her and her heart gave a jolt, as if Knight bus had suddenly stopped to a halt.

His eyes were clear, devoid of every mask he had ever worn, his all shields down, his vulnerabilities on his face for the world to see, except it was only her who could see them.

"You don't know how lovely you are…" She gulped as he smiled ever so slightly, his eyes and sweet voice trying to convey something to her, as if he was daring himself to do so. "…I had to find you, tell you I need you…Tell you I set you apart…" his smile vanished and he looked grim, regret coloring his face... _'I need you'_…. The words rang in her head.

"Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions…Oh, let's go back to the start…"

She couldn't remember blinking as he continued. "Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part...Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard...Oh, take me back to the start..."

She felt a lump form in her throat at his earnest and sincere expression. His eyes seemed to be drinking the sight of her. "Tell me you love me, come back and _haunt_ me..._Oh_, and I rush to the start...Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so _hard_...I'm going back to the start…"

There were a few moments of silence when he finished as others waited to see if he would continue but he was done. Suddenly a huge round of applause rang in the room, breaking the connection between them, as all congratulated him for his wonderful singing. Tonks felt oddly detached. Now that he wasn't looking at her and was staring at others instead with a bashful smile, she felt cold all over. Her heart still raced as she rubbed the back of her neck, hoping no one would notice how shaken she was.

For the rest of the time Tonks kept staring at the floor, smiling here and there to avoid suspicions as others continued their game. She didn't remember what the children asked Sirius and Remus, just knew that it was nothing outrageous.

"I want to take a picture of us." Ginny said when, Tonks guessed, their game withdrew. "I see there is a picture of first Order and we aren't Order but I'd like a picture of us, Fred, you have the camera right?"

Soon enough, they were being ordered by the twins to stand in the group while they levitated the camera and charmed it to take a picture itself. Ginny and Hermione stood in the front with Ron and Harry next to them. Fred and George stood just behind Ron and Harry, leaving the middle back row space for Tonks, Remus and Sirius. Sirius made Tonks stand in between him and Remus. Amongst all pushing and prodding, she collided with Remus several time, each time feeling a jolt pass her body.

"Come on, we aren't in a parade, lean closer next to each other!" Ginny announced as she beamed towards the camera, her one arm going around Hermione and her other hand slipping into Harry's. Sirius overstretched his arm to reach Remus' shoulder such that Tonks was pressed – squished - between them. Remus gave a huff of amusement, his breath fanning her pink hair.

"Smile!" George exclaimed.

Tried as she much, she failed to muster a decent smile. Remus' sturdy and warm body was pressed against her and he was close, _too_ close to her, such that she could feel his chest moving with each breath he took and she resisted the urge to lean into him. Something was happening to her, control was slipping from her hands…

As the camera started blink in warning of the main click, she felt Remus' arm snake to her shoulder and felt him leaning closer to her. Just before the blinding flash went off, she finally felt a shy smile creep her lips at his gesture, the camera capturing this perfect moment.

Yes, something was happening to her and she wasn't sure if she disliked it.

* * *

_A/N: Er yes I made Coldplay a wizarding band because this song came out in 2002 and the timeline of this chapter is 1995._


	21. Keeper of my heart

"Okay, so George- you apparate with Ginny," Tonks pointed to the twin wearing hoodie with a huge 'F', having known that they had earlier exchanged their sweatshirts. "Fred, you'll be apparating alone. Ron, you are to side-along with me and Hermione, you'll side-along with Remus. Now Fred and George are you both _really_ sure which area I am asking you to apparate?" Tonks asked as the group of seven which stood in front of Grimmauld Place, listened to her assigning them responsibilities.

"Trust us Tonks, we have been there and we will make sure to apparate away from _already_ ignorant eyes of Muggles." Said Fred.

Tonks looked at them sternly for a long moment. "Your mother has trusted us greatly Fred," she spoke in low voice. "-_and_ George to allow you all for an outing. Please don't disappoint me because _if_ something goes wrong, I am answerable to her."

"Don't worry," Remus spoke from behind her, squeezing her elbow softly. "-I am sure they understand the…delicacy of our situation."

"We aren't fools Tonks, you can trust us." George emphasized as he hugged her sister to his side. Fred showed them a thumb up.

"Okay then, see you there. Ron, hold my arm tight." Tonks turned to Ron who looked a little anxious at the prospect of apparating with her… because she was notoriously clumsy and she understood that side-along with a clumsy person wasn't the brightest of idea… _for him_.

They all apparated on her count of three. She appeared with Ron in a narrow dark alley just behind the hustle and bustle of Muggle London.

"All clear." Remus told her, who had apparated seconds before her and had already done the preliminary sweep of the area. Seconds later Fred and George appeared with Ginny as well.

"Stay together, alright? Let's go."

She knew she was being over cautious and paranoid- on the verge of becoming second Mad-Eye, but she was nervous to tell the truth. Children were due back at Hogwarts next week and somehow they had expressed their desire for an outing to Muggle area of the city. Molly had absolutely forbidden the twins at once; though Tonks didn't blame her after what had happened with Arthur. However, after much insistence from twins and Ginny, she had given them permission on the condition that they let Order member accompany them. Remus and Tonks both have happened to be there and they had consented in a complaisant manner. Later, Ron and Hermione had decided to join them too. She was thankful that Harry had decided to stay with Sirius because had _he_ wanted to come, it would have created a problem; she knew taking _Harry Potter_ to an outing, when so much has already happened, was beyond dangerous and foolish. Therefore here they were, packed in winter clothes, protecting themselves from the gelid air and trying to find some cheer among Muggles. Everyone had dressed up in such manner that most of their faces were hidden with raised collars, mufflers, caps and hair. It was sad, she reflected, that they had to screen themselves for something so normal like a visit to an ice-cream vendor. Moreover, she and Remus weren't supposed to know each other, therefore she had morphed her hair to a muted black, with her woolen beanie covering her forehead and her hair veiling her cheeks from sight.

Ron joined Hermione though stayed close to them as twins and Ginny walked ahead of Remus and Tonks. As they turned round the corner, they were hit by the chattering of crowds and city lights. The coldness of the lone alley left them and they were met with the warmth surrounding the people. Christmas and New Year spirits still lingered heavily in the shops and it reflected on the happy, beaming faces of the people. Sucking in a deep breath, she inhaled various scents of foods and realized immediately how badly she needed this break.

"Feels nice, right?" Remus questioned from beside her as they followed wherever the children were taking them.

She looked up and gave him an appraising smile. He was wearing his normal shirt and trousers, but had discarded his wizard robes in favor of a Muggle coat- it looked shabby but befitted him in its own unique way. Beneath it he wore a burgundy jumper gifted by Molly along with a black muffler. Full moon was as far as it could be and he looked alert and active though there was a day's growth of beard on his face which suited him just fine.

When she didn't say anything, he elaborated: "I mean I am mostly with Snuffles and with the kind of depressed missions I have been getting lately," he whispered. "-it's good to have a change."

"You are right." She smiled. "I have started to fear that I am becoming like Mad-Eye."

He chuckled as he absently maneuvered her away from a group of teenagers trying to push their way past them. Lately, Tonks had found herself wanting to spend more and _more_ time with him. Ever since they had cleared things between them, it was no secret that they had grown close and had gotten cozy around each other, but for past few weeks she had been experiencing an additional pull towards him. She realized with each passing day, it was becoming difficult for her to say goodbye to him, and no matter how much time she spend with him, it always seemed less, leaving a lot to desire. She knew that the lines and boundaries around them were swirling and blurring slowly.

"Tonks we'll have ice-cream." Ginny turned around, leaving her brothers to join her. "Here." She pointed to an ice-cream cart in red, the vendor serving few of the customers. Ron and Hermione had already stopped in front of the cart.

As they approached them, she saw a frown on Ron's face.

"Do we have Muggle money?" He asked them with a hiss.

"I have it Ron." Hermione stressed, smiling as she pulled out few coins from her pocket.

"Hermione," Tonks interjected, placing back the money from where it came. "It's on me, don't worry. You guys just go and order." Hermione looked she might object but when Tonks looked at her imploringly, she agreed.

As children started to ask for ice cream they wanted, Remus turned to Tonks. "I'll pay later to you-"

"Remus." She glared at him deciding not to say anything other than his name. Her glare was enough to make him falter. After all, an ice-cream between friends was nothing.

"Alright." He sighed amusedly, his lips twitching at her supposedly threatening expression. "We should order as well, they are done." He pointed towards the children who were retreating away from the cart to have their ice-creams in solace.

"Do you have chocolate brownie ice-" Tonks started as she turned her attention to the vendor at the same time Remus did.

"I'll have mint chocolate ch-"

They both stopped as Tonks' heart skipped a beat only to speed up rather quickly. She felt a dull flush coloring her cheeks which she knew was not because of cold. Her mouth opened in silent question as she turned her gaze to Remus. Remus was looking at her as well, his eyes glittering with some silent, unspoken emotion. Unknowingly, they both have ordered other's favorite flavor. He swallowed and motioned to her: "You first." His voice was hoarser than usual.

"I'll have a chocolate brownie cone." She asked the vendor, an old man, in a subdued voice. Had Remus been doing the same thing she had done unintentionally for years? Having the things other liked because it appeared to be the only way to feel close to the other? She paid money to the vendor for all the ice-creams and grabbing her cone, she left to join others, adamantly avoiding Remus's eyes.

Hermione was busy in telling Ron about the Muggle money while Fred and George were busy sniggering among themselves, looking over at few women across the street.

"What flavor did you go for?" Remus' voice came from behind and Tonks hastily licked the ice-cream, to avoid responding to him.

"Plain old chocolate." Ginny raised her cone.

"Hermione suggested me to try-" Ron looked at her friend. "What flavor is it?"

"Cherry cheesecake. I am actually surprised that he had it, it is generally difficult to find."

"I brought Raspberry."

"Mine is strawberry." George told them taking an elaborate lick of his ice cream.

"Please don't tell your mother that I let you all have ice-cream in January, she'll have my head." Tonks pleaded. It was winters and though it wasn't unusual for some, she was sure Molly would disapprove.

"What happens here-"

"-stays here." Fred winked and Tonks rolled her eyes.

"Thank you for bringing us here Tonks." Ginny spoke quietly when everyone had gone back to talking among themselves. "I barely get to visit Muggle communities and it's a shame because it seems wonderful."

"You are right. I mean I live in Muggle part of the city and believe me- these people are way more cheerful than wizards."

They were engrossed in talking when she felt a push from behind, effectively toppling her into Ginny who barely managed to keep her ice-cream intact on her cone. Same couldn't be said about Tonks however as the glacial dessert slid across her lips, smearing more than her mouth.

"I am so sorry!" She heard a female voice exclaim as Tonks quickly licked the ice-cream off her lips.

"It's alright, no problem." She smiled at the young blonde woman who had stumbled into her. She always found it hard to get angry on people for tripping when it was the story of her life. She tried to wipe the remaining ice-cream from her face with her fingers that otherwise had been left unattended by her tongue.

"There's a bit-"

She looked up, meeting Remus's eyes for first time since they had fetched their ice-cream. He gestured with his finger to her cheek and then pointed it towards his, indicating that she had left some on her face.

"Here?" She asked, trying to see the spot he meant, almost going cross-eyed in process and trying to deduct where the traitorous cream was.

"No- wait-"

He advanced towards her and waited for her to drop her hand. Feeling heat crawl up her face, she let her hand fall to her side.

Involuntarily, she closed her eyes as she felt the heel of his palm graze the corner of her mouth. He brushed it off and she felt _perhaps_, he was taking his sweet time to complete the task.

"There." His voice was closer than she had expected. She opened her eyes to see his toes almost touching hers. She looked up to peer in his blue eyes as the world around her melted away. He gave her a timid smile and pulled out a white, neatly pressed handkerchief from his pocket. She felt him press the crisp fabric to her hair clinging to her cheek. The handkerchief smelled wonderful and she got the strangest urge to steal it, keep it, and _treasure_ it to smell it later in times of desolation. "It was stuck." He murmured unnecessarily, looking away from her piercing gaze as he wiped his hand on his handkerchief.

Just as he stuffed his hankie in his pocket, she broke out of her trance and hastily took a step away from him as the fact that they had been standing so close, _too_ _close_, registered her mind late. A hurt flickered through his eyes at her hasty retreat and she felt a stab at her heart. She looked away, carefully seeing if anyone present had witnessed their little exchange. She breathed a little sigh of relief when she saw twins teasing Ron on something. Twins would have been worst to bear had they caught their interaction. Hermione too hadn't been looking in their direction but…

Ginny was looking at the pair of them curiously. It wasn't a teasing expression Tonks would have expected but rather a speculative one. Tonks tried to smile at her but couldn't bring herself to it. Seeing that everyone had finished their ice-creams with exception to herself, she announced that it was time to go home. She sneaked a glance at Remus.

He looked lost and unsure of himself and she instantly felt guiltier. She gazed at him, waiting for him to catch her eyes so that she could send him a reassuring smile but he kept adamantly staring at the ground.

She sighed irritably at herself. When did her feelings become such a jumbled mess? Why was it that no matter how happy she was, she never really felt at peace? Why was it that no matter how many friends she had, she always felt lonely? Why she was failing again and again to read her own heart?

* * *

Tonks and Ginny took one step at a time, ascending the staircase towards Ginny's room. "I'll miss you Ginny." Tonks told her little friend as they stopped at the door Ginny was sharing with Hermione. "I understand writing will be dangerous but take care, alright?" The children were leaving day after tomorrow for Hogwarts and since she was busy tomorrow, it was sort of a goodbye. Granted the situation the children had visited Grimmauld this time was grave but when the word of Arthur's well being had been finalized, they had enjoyed every bit of their winter vacations. And now Tonks knew when she'll visit here after two days, it would feel horribly empty without them; moreover, cheering up Sirius was going to be a daunting task.

Expecting Ginny to take her leave, Tonks was a bit surprised when Ginny distractedly combed her ponytail with her fingers and leaned against the door.

"Something on your mind?" Tonks questioned.

Ginny bit her lip and looked contemplative. "Actually I wanted to say something to you." She looked sad as she shifted her weight to another leg. She looked old, with weariness of the world visible on her face; not at all how a fourteen year should look. Tonks reminded herself that this was the same girl who had fought bravely with Tom Riddle, in her own head, when she was merely eleven year old.

"Hmm?" Knowing this was something important, Tonks leaned across her.

"I know you are an Auror and you probably wouldn't want to… be lectured from a fourteen-year old…"

"When I say you are my friend Ginny, I don't say to humor you, you know? I really mean it."

Ginny smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. "It's very… it's very difficult to find someone who loves you back as much as _you_ love them. It's very difficult to find _requited_ love and when you do… it's nothing short of a blessing." She spoke softly.

Tonks stared at the girl in front of her. "Ginny?"

"Trust me… you wouldn't want to be on the end of unrequited love. Now, I don't know what happened or what is happening but I have seen the way Professor Lupin looks at you."

Tonks swallowed and looked away when the intensity in Ginny's eyes became a bit too much to bear. "How," her voice came croaky and she cleared her throat. "-how does he looks at me?"

"As if you are the most precious thing in his world."

A wave of emotion rose in Tonks's chest at her words. Suddenly it became very difficult to hold back all the feelings, all the confusion she had been feeling for months. The burden on her heart became almost palpable.

"And I don't know if you realize Tonks, but sometimes it's the same way _you_ look at him."

Tonks smiled through sheen of tears. "You know, I thought, your mother would have been the first one to notice… something odd. You beat her though."

"I am pretty sure Mum guessed long ago. In fact, if anyone ever bothered to look for something, they will see it. Except perhaps, Mundungus or Snape."

They chuckled as Ginny continued. "Promise me Tonks, you'll give it a thought, that is, if you already aren't considering it."

"I am not." She shook her head and spoke the truth. She was avoiding the issue as much as she could and now the situation was such that she had started lying to herself.

"Think about it." Ginny straightened and squeezed her hand.

Tonks moved forward and embraced her. "Thank you. And remember one thing; I believe in destiny and if _he's_ lucky enough to be in your destiny Ginny, then no power in this world can stop you from getting together. Bad time never stays."

"Hope so. I really hope so that we all come out of this unscathed… bonded with our loved ones forever."

* * *

Tonks walked slowly and squinted at the floor in semi-darkness, searching for her fallen stud earring. It wasn't important but she had just realized that she had been wearing only half of the pair. Therefore now she was retracting her tracks, searching the places she had been to. She was pretty sure though that it had fallen somewhere on this floor because she remembered having it on both ears before she entered Grimmauld Place.

"…have been meaning to talk to you for a long time…" a feminine voice drifted to Tonks' ear as she searched behind a hideous vase blindly.

"Yes?" Another voice replied, which she recognized immediately as Remus's. She sucked in a quiet breath, willing to hear carefully. The voices were coming from drawing room and ever so slowly, being over-cautious she walked towards the room.

The door was mostly shut, with just a narrow space visible. Hoping not to trip, she peered through the open space.

Remus was sitting on an armchair near the fireplace, with a quill and parchment. Emmeline, stood across him, in elegant rich purple robes, her hair gracefully curled around her face in tendrils. Remus wore a polite smile; however Emmeline looked nervous and was twiddling her thumbs.

_What are you doing Tonks? Why are you eavesdropping?_ She asked herself but couldn't find the will to move away.

"Um… I think… I mean we have known each other since school and it is sort of sad, isn't it that during first Order we never got round to… knowing each other well…" she started hesitantly. Remus placed his quill and parchment on the table, and turned his full attention to the woman in front.

"Yes things were very stressful during the first war…" Remus replied cautiously. "Why don't you sit?"

"Oh no-no… it's okay…"

_What is she trying to do_, thought Tonks with a sinking heart. She had thought that over months, Emmeline had stopped showing interest in Remus but apparently she had been wrong; she had been just waiting for the right time.

"Well?" Remus probed curiously when Emmeline didn't say anything.

"I… we-we should… I think we should try to-to get know each other better." Emmeline rushed out the words.

"Emmeline…" Remus looked shocked to say the least. He stood and looked unsure. "What-?"

"No, hear me out." She stepped forward, lessening the distance between them as Tonks stood outside the door with her neck craning at an awkward angle. "I have seen how alike we are Remus." The stuttering was gone and now she looked confident. The level of her confidence though was directly proportional to Remus's level of discomfort. Each step that Emmeline took forward was freaking him out. It was on his face and she wondered how Emmeline was missing it. Maybe Tonks was just better at reading him than anybody else?

"I have seen how much effort you put for Order and never really care for yourself… you remind me of myself… you have friends but you are lonely-" Tonks scoffed at her words; Remus was _not_ lonely. Not anymore; he had friends with whom he _loved_ to spend time with, he had her and Sirius. "-just like me." She finished sadly and Tonks immediately felt bad for thinking poorly of her. Emmeline was just a normal witch seeking companionship… it just happened that her choice, coincidently, seemed similar to-

"But-"

"I am asking you out!" She blurted out. Remus paled as she clutched his hand in hers. "Come and have-have dinner with me…I'll fix the dinner for you… I understand that it must have been so long since a woman cooked for you…" When Remus merely gaped her, she suddenly pressed her shining red lips to Remus', catching both Remus and Tonks off guard.

Tonks gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. Her body bristled; she had a hard time controlling herself and not storming to them, pushing Emmeline away. Perhaps the only relief was that Remus looked more shocked than her. He gently held her shoulder and pried her off himself.

"Emmeline, please listen to me," he spoke in a pained voice and she couldn't decide if to feel bad for Emmeline who was about to get rejected or to be angered at her for putting Remus in such an uncomfortable situation because he absolutely disliked to say no to others.

"I can't, I am sorry if I ever gave you that impression…"

"You didn't." She spoke dejectedly, her confidence gone as she took a step back. "J-Just tell me why though… I mean am I not good enough?"

Remus smiled grimly. "You are an exceptional woman Emmeline… there's nothing wrong with you… it's me who's not good enough but… that's beside the point. I love someone else Emmeline."

Tonks closed her eyes as a sigh left her mouth at his words. _I love someone else… I love someone else… _

She knew who it was; she didn't need to hear him explicitly tell that person's name. She had realized the day she had woken up after her accident on the stairs and if any doubt had remained, it had been vanished with his journal. The last entry had been of July and it clearly depicted he loved her.

He had _always_ loved her and had never stopped for even a day. His feelings had never flickered. Her eyes filled as she forced her heart to calm down.

"You… but I thought you were single?" Emmeline looked surprised at his answer.

"I am… she-she doesn't feel the same way about me…" There was such sadness in his eyes that it made her heart ache. She knew only too well how bad it hurt to be on the end of unrequited love, as Ginny had said. But was Remus's love really unrequited? All she knew was that at that moment, she would have given anything to erase that sadness from his face.

"Oh… that's horrible, I am sorry…" Emmeline mumbled, realizing that Remus' situation wasn't that different from her own.

"It's okay, I am not. I am not sorry about it… but I am definitely sorry for hurting you Emmeline." He spoke sincerely.

Emmeline shook her head sadly. "Don't be… it's just… I have been so lonely for past few months that maybe I failed to see the obvious? And now that I think… we wouldn't have worked out anyway, I am mean, we are too alike, isn't it?" She spoke bravely, trying to smile.

Remus chuckled nervously as outside Tonks smiled at Emmeline's winning attitude.

"You are right probably."

"And… I am few years older than you. I mean age gap doesn't matter when the man is older but… a relationship where a woman is older, it looks sort of weird isn't it…" Tonks could see the effort it was taking the older woman to make a joke of the situation and Tonks really appreciated the way she was handling it. "You are a good man Remus, despite your condition. I hope… your-your girl comes to her senses soon and you both are united…"

Remus smiled as if he wanted to contradict but said nothing. "We can be friends, right?"

"Sure." Emmeline extended her hand and shook it with Remus'. "Good luck."

Tonks shuffled aside in the dark, trying to hide herself near the dusty curtain, as Emmeline walked past her. Thankfully Emmeline looked rather in hurry to move out and didn't see Tonks lingering near the doorway.

"Come inside Tonks."

Tonks jumped at Remus' voice. She closed her eyes in mortification. _Oh god…_ she silently slapped her palms to her face.

Ever so slowly she entered the room, already cringing at the fear of seeing disappointment in his eyes. He stood where he was standing before, but his eyes were glued to the floor and his hands were stuffed deep in his pockets.

"Er… how did you know I was-?" She asked as she slowly approached him.

He chuckled and Tonks breathed a tiny sigh of relief that he wasn't mad. "Your shoes." He pointed towards her orange converse which had neon green linings. "They almost glow in the dark; reminds me of the shoes my mother brought for me when I was a kid."

She gaped at him and took a step ahead to swat him on the arm when she caught sight of his teasing grin. Letting her hand fall she decided she deserved this much at least for eavesdropping. "Sorry."

"Saw everything?" He looked up at her anxiously.

Tonks nodded without thinking and immediately wished she hadn't. She felt like slapping herself. She should have lied, now he'd know that she had also heard the part about him loving someone else…

He appeared anxious and muttered an 'oh'… he absently rubbed his lips with the back of his hand and before she could have stopped herself, a snigger left her mouth.

He threw her a withering lock though couldn't stop his lips from twitching as well. "Yeah go on, laugh… tell Sirius also, so that he never lets me live it down."

He appeared so flustered and embarrassed that despite the tensed air surrounding them, she burst out laughing. She covered her mouth with her hands to muffle her laughter.

"Glad you find it amusing…" he spoke wryly and once again rubbed his lips with hand.

Tonks curbed her laughter and tenderly wiped the smudge of lipstick at the corner of his mouth with her thumb. "That was one red lipstick…"

"Bitter too…" He made a face and she smiled at him.

"Don't be such a baby." She muttered.

"Says you… I was mortified…" He sighed and pressed his forehead with the pads of his fingers. "I feel guilty though for hurting her. She's a nice person."

"Yes, she is. I admit I always underestimated her." She spoke softly.

"Hmm… I don't mean to insult her but… guess I'll have to use Padfoot's famous mint toothpaste."

She peered at him for a long time. She remembered him telling her once that he was grateful she barely wore lipstick and even if she did they were always the famous special witch made edible lipstick. Without meaning to she took a step forward as her heart overpowered her brain.

He dropped his hands to his side and looked a tad shocked at her proximity.

Her heart pounded in her ears, her knees felt weak and her throat grew dry as she whispered. "I can think of a better way to get rid of the taste."

He swallowed and said huskily. "You can?"

She nodded and took a tiny step forward such that they stood toe to toe. Her every body part tingled and she ignored the small part of her brain which was still screaming to her to stop, to back off before she made a mess of things. As she felt his sweet breath brush her face, all reluctance left and all that was left behind was ever consuming want. Want for him.

She looked at his face, marveled how beautiful he was, to her. Her eyes searched his and she found raw emotion in them; something she guessed was reflected in her eyes as well. She let her eyes shut and ever so slowly pressed her lips to his.

She felt as if lighting had struck her. The thrill and shiver that passed through her body, almost made her faint. Every part of her body caught on fire and she dimly realized that she hadn't felt like this even the first time they had kissed.

He breathed a sigh of '_Oh Dora'_ into her mouth and then his arms found their way to her waist as one crawled up to cup the back of her head. Her hands snaked to his shoulder, encountering his chest on the way and she thought she could hear his heartbeat. Or was it hers?

He deepened the kiss, pressing his lips to her insistently and she pulled him closer; as every part of their body touched, she felt alive, most alive she had felt in past three years.

She clutched his hair at the nape of his neck as she glided her tongue over his lips, stroking them and seeking entrance which he gave _oh_ _so_ _eagerly_. The scorching heat of his mouth met hers and she felt she might melt at his feet.

How had she managed to survive without this feeling for so long? How had she not realized that for past few years, her heart hadn't been really beating? As his one hand left her hair and cupped the side of her face, his thumb caressing her jaw she asked herself how had she been so oblivious to not notice this sea of emotions which resided in her heart?

They parted briefly to inhale, but soon he was burying his hand in her bubble-gum pink hair, pulling her flush to his body, his palm fitting snugly to her hip as he mumbled something like _'oh my Precious'_ into her skin.

Her hands from his shoulder fell numbly to his forearms as his grip on her almost became desperate.

_There was a reason you both didn't kiss like this for so many years Tonks…. _a rational voice reverberated in her head.

_The reason was that he thought he was protecting me…_ her heart answered back.

_What if he feels like this again? What if he disappears again, will you be able to bear it? Have you forgotten all those lonely nights you spent crying, wishing and begging to no one for one last chance…_

Various images of herself broken, all alone flashed through her mind. She wouldn't be able to endure it. She grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away gently.

Both were breathing heavily as he stared into her eyes with confusion, his hands still on her body. "Dora?"

_No I can't do it. When I agreed on friendship, I made a promise to myself that I'll never make the same mistake twice. I don't care how I feel, but I know I'll never to able to bear the same thing again. He realizes his mistake but his reasons haven't vanished… he still feels he doesn't deserve me and he'll never stop thinking so… history will repeat itself and once again I will be left behind to pick up pieces of my broken heart…_

She kept staring at him with unfocussed eyes as thoughts raced her head. His confusion was soon turning into worry after seeing whatever it was he could see on her face.

"Dora what-?" he raised his hand to touch her cheek.

His movement jolted her out of reverie and she took a step back, prying his hand off herself. "I can't do it." She spoke, aware that her voice wobbled along with her lips. She could still feel him all over herself, his scent still making her dizzy and her eyes prickled with the sting of tears with the realization that she cannot have this, she cannot allow herself to have this.

"Dora, hear me out-" he took a step towards her and she took another step away from him, shaking her head resolutely.

"No." Hot tears spilled from her eyes. "I can't."

"Listen to me." He looked frantic and desperate, his eyes turning wild with familiar hopelessness.

"NO!" She yelled and bolted away from him as fast she could, tripping on the hole in the carpet as her emotions overwhelmed her and threatened to drown her. She ran away from the drawing room, not caring about Mrs. Black, not caring to look behind at the broken and dejected man, who meant so much to her, who meant the world to her.

As she slammed the front door with a loud bang and entered in the dark of the night, she realized that he has _always_ meant the world to her.

* * *

_A/N- it's been just one day and I am updating again! If you haven't reviewed chapter 20 yet, I hope you'll find just few seconds to leave me a review for that chapter. Also let me know what you think of this; fast responses will motivate me to update even faster :D_

_P.S- two more chapters to go :)_


	22. Wonderful life

_Special thanks to **GinnyPotter6891** for beta-reading the chapter._

* * *

When Tonks had assumed that kissing Remus Lupin would make an awful mess of things, it had been the understatement of the year. The past few weeks had been nothing short of agony, fraught with anger, sadness, regret and tension. She felt she had committed another, _bigger_ mistake by running away and there was no fixing it now. She should have confronted him the next time they had met. But now, she had a feeling that it was too late for explanations.

She paced the short length of her drawing room, trying to vent some of her restless energy. She had managed to avoid Remus effectively for the past three weeks. During the first week, she had steered clear of Grimmauld Place and had even skipped an Order meeting. It had been the coward's way out, but then again there was probably a solid reason she hadn't been sorted into Gryffindor. Remus had respected her need to stay away and had managed not to send any letters to her. However, with start of the second week, things had changed. He had started sending letters to her on a daily basis, sometimes sending owls thrice a day, requesting a meeting, pleading for her to meet him at least once.

She sighed irritably and glanced at the large pile of letters on the table. _Eighteen_ letters in _eight_ days. And she was ashamed to say she had not replied to a single one- simply because she didn't possess the courage to do so.

When the third week had started, an invitation to another Order meeting had arrived, and she had known it would be impossible to skip a second time. She had purposely shown up ten minutes late, however, so that she wouldn't have to linger around and had left as soon as Dumbledore had declared the meeting over, before anyone could have held her back. Before leaving the Headquarters, though, she had heard a call of _'Tonks'_, but had ignored it along with the acute feeling of contrition in her heart. When she had reached home she had realized that in her haste to avoid Remus, she hadn't even seen his face; with it another realization had dawned upon her that she missed him terribly.

She stopped pacing, plopped down on the sofa and picked up the last letter he had sent, mere hours after she had returned home from the meeting.

Just like all the other letters, she had read it numerous times already, and the content of the letter was now known to her by heart.

_Tonks,_

_I understand this is not easy for you, but please tell me what's going on. I swear I won't push you, I won't ask __for__ something you don't want to give, but please don't shy away from me. Your friendship means so much to me; __you__ mean so much to me. It's hard going on without you. Please reply. If you don't want to acknowledge what happened between us, then so be it, but at least tell me so._

_Anxiously waiting to hear from you,_

_Yours,_

_Remus._

She hadn't replied, _again_, and that hadn't helped the growing, gnawing guilt in the pit of her stomach. Two days later, she had visited Grimmauld Place to attend yet another meeting, which despite being her late, had been delayed. Remus had approached her hopefully and true to his words, with an anxious smile on his face.

But she had ruined it again.

Seeing his face, she had been reminded that she could not be _just_ friends with this man. She had been surprised by the ripple of emotions that had swept over her upon seeing him, and she had excused herself politely, almost coldly, but not before she had seen hurt flicker across his face. He hadn't even tried to stop her after the meeting and she had left, feeling cold seep deep into her heart. She knew she deserved it.

And now more than five days had passed since, and she had yet to hear another word from him.

Each night she slept fitfully, that is, if she managed to sleep _at_ _all_. She was barely able to focus on her work, and people were starting to notice her foul mood, which unlike other times didn't fade. On top of it, she had started facing morphing problems. Her hair would morph to a particular color against her wish, and despite her desire to change it, it wouldn't budge. Just yesterday she had spent six hours at the Ministry in gray hair. Morphing trouble always meant that she was way more depressed than she was letting on.

She heard a tap on her window and immediately leapt from the sofa. She saw an owl hovering outside the window and ran towards it, in the hope that Remus had sent a letter. However, when she saw a tawny owl clutching a disillusioned card (which was _barely_ visible) in its beak, her heart sank. It was Mad-Eye. He had an annoying habit of sending invisible or disillusioned letters, which sometimes made it almost impossible for her to decide if the owl even had anything on it; he had his reasons, he said.

Opening the window, she ushered the owl in, which without bothering to come inside, dropped the letter on the window sill and flew away almost as soon as it had completed its task. Like owner, like Owl.

She picked up the almost transparent piece of card and removed the charm from it.

_7p.m_

She sighed. It was his way of telling her that they had an Order meeting. She glanced at her reflection in the window glass. Her hair was pitch-black. At least it wasn't gray this time, she thought; _small mercies_.

Her stomach curled unpleasantly at the thought of facing Remus again. _But enough was enough now_, she decided; she couldn't go on like this forever. She would have to confront him sooner or later. But what was she going to say?

Raking her hand through her hair, she started to get ready for the meeting.

* * *

She generally didn't mind attention, but the exception to this rule was the times she wasn't feeling particularly chirpy; she hated searching looks and unwanted questions from people about why she appeared depressed, or looked dull haired. It was because of this that she entered the kitchens of Grimmauld Place with a lowered head; she knew she didn't look her usual cheerful self and was in no mood for questions she didn't feel like answering. The fact that she was late (unintentionally this time), didn't help the matter as all heads snapped in her direction with the creak of the door.

"Come in, Tonks, the meeting just started." She heard Molly's voice and nodded in her general direction. She looked around for a place to sit without meeting anyone's eye. She finally found the one empty next to…. she cringed internally- the only available seat was next to _Emmeline_.

She sat and involuntarily her eyes travelled to the person sitting in front of her.

It was Remus.

She tried to catch his eye; she had made a resolution before coming here that she was going to talk to him, she was going to make things right somehow. However, he resolutely kept staring at Dumbledore who had resumed speaking about…_something_, she wasn't really paying attention.

Remus looked pale and tired, but she couldn't tell if his grim expression was because of a recently passed full moon or because of…her. He loved her; and love could do strange things to a person.

His eyes landed on hers for a second. She tried to smile at him but before her lips could even form into a smile, he looked away. But not before she caught his cold expression.

Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach. He was angry… and had every right to be. She had blatantly ignored him, after _she_ had kissed _him_ and had done a runner. She had disregarded his many attempts to re-establish communication between them, and above all, she had disregarded the friendship they had rekindled during the past months. She was disappointed at herself, at the way she had handled the situation. It was no wonder he was disappointed as well…and angry.

She spent the whole meeting brooding silently, dejectedly leaning back in her chair. It was when Mad-Eye called her name that she snapped back to attention.

"…received this tip-off an hour ago, and it's very reliable…" he told her, his real eye focused on her as the artificial one whizzed in its socket. "You just have to observe what's going on and nothing else. You'll leave in an hour with Lupin."

Her heart leapt in her throat. She discreetly looked at Remus. Was he going to refuse the mission? He was wearing a frown, and his chin was balanced on his fist. _Thankfully_ he didn't say anything although he still refused to look at her.

"And be careful!" Mad-Eye barked loudly, making several members jump including her. "Azkaban escapees might show up." He growled softly causing a shiver to pass through Tonks' spine. She looked at Sirius for the first time since she had entered. He was sitting at his usual place and was looking grim and a touch angry. They had been dreading an Azkaban breakout for some time and when it had happened, it had done nothing to calm the nerves of Order members. She looked at Moody somberly and nodded at him, conveying that she understood.

She lingered where she was once the meeting was over as others scattered throughout the room. Remus immediately left his seat, not even bothering to glance at her. She sulked silently when she felt a nudge against her foot.

Sirius was looking at her with a worried expression. He raised his eyebrows as if asking what the matter was. She smiled at him stiffly, and he jerked his head towards the chair Remus had been sitting in. The concern on his face was making it hard for her to sit where she was instead of throwing her arms around him, sobbing until her tears dried. Opting to just shake her head, she moved away from him. Molly always had something for them after a meeting; thinking that maybe having something delicious might cheer her mood, she made a beeline for the counter.

"Molly. Hello." She greeted the red-haired woman.

"Tonks, dear," she smiled warmly at the younger woman. "-you have been awfully busy lately. And you look tired too." She was removing foil from a serving dish, which Tonks assumed she had brought from the Burrow. She was so considerate, always thinking about others.

Rubbing her hand over her eyes, Tonks replied. "Yeah…work's been difficult lately. What do we have here?" She changed the topic, not wanting to divulge the real cause of her _'tired'_ look.

"Apple and cinnamon fritters."

"Looks and smells de-"

"Tonks."

Tonks jumped at the hoarse voice which came from behind her. Thankful that she wasn't clutching any plates in her hand, she turned back to look at the speaker of the voice.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" He was unsmiling and his lips were set in a stiff line.

Nodding, she murmured to Molly, "I'll be back."

He led her to a secluded corner of the kitchen, which was mostly vacant now, barring five or six Order members. She felt sick with nerves. Was he going to talk about it?

"I asked Kingsley, and he's free for the next two hours. I can exchange places with him for this patrol duty, or if you wish, Kingsley and I can do it." He was speaking to her without a trace of a smile, with a stoic expression. The polite smile he generally had for everyone, even for _Snape_ at times, was missing. His eyes held no emotion.

Swallowing thickly, she answered, "Why would I want to do that?" She bit her lip when he looked at her in a way that said she knew _exactly_ _why_ she'd want to do that. "Remus, I have no problem with us being partnered for the duty."

"Are you sure?" He was looking at her skeptically.

"Yes," she said haltingly. "Remus, in fact-" She took one step towards him and grabbed the fabric of his coat at his elbow.

"Excuse me, please, I need to let Kingsley know." He gently pried himself away from her grip, leaving her feeling absolutely forlorn.

* * *

They apparated to a barren field stretching in front of an abandoned warehouse. Dried dogwood and gray willow shrubs popped out from the ground in distant places, adding to the field's bleakness and lifelessness. As the thorns and dead stems of the bushes scratched against her arms, she wondered why she always got landed with missions at such dried and dead looking places. The warehouse itself looked deserted but seemed like a perfect place to hide something.

She kept looking warily at Remus in case he felt like meeting her eyes, but with his wand in his hand, he looked absolutely an adept and skillful wizard with zero tolerance for any kind of nonsense. _That nonsense being me_, she thought dismally.

Wordlessly, he led them to a perfect hiding spot. "We're supposed to watch over the warehouse." He spoke while taking his position between a tree and a shrub. Quietly, she sat next to him; since the breadth of the shrub was tiny, she had to sit _really_ close to him to keep herself hidden.

Leaning her back against the tree, ignoring the pebbles digging into uncomfortable places, Tonks looked over at Remus.

He had to know she was watching him, after all her face was merely inches away from his; she knew her gaze was hard to ignore yet somehow he was succeeding. _Say something Tonks_… but what?

She sighed pathetically. Bending her legs, she hugged her knees to her chest. She thought about why she was being so reluctant. It was like an "_out of the frying pan and into the fire_" kind of situation for her. If she decided to get back into a relationship with him, she took the severe risk of having her heart break again. If she decided not to commit into a relationship with him then... well, then her heart was already breaking.

She knew why she was being so cautious. She knew she wasn't strong enough to bear the same heartbreak again.

One hour passed in tense silence.

"Remus." She finally spoke. She didn't know what she was going to say but his stony silence was killing her.

Remus sighed and his shoulders sagged a little. He raked his hand through his hair; clutching his hair at the nape of his neck, he looked at her from the corner of his eyes. "What?"

Suddenly hopeful that he was not only looking at her but also acknowledging her, she opened her mouth.

But before she could utter another word, simultaneous cracks of Apparition froze her in her place. Immediately alert, her wand was in her hand and in position while she felt Remus doing the same.

The pair of them shuffled closer to make sure they were hidden. She squinted through the gaps between the shrubs to see who had decided to grace them with their presence.

She saw at least four silhouettes clad in dark black robes. Leading the three was-

"Bellatrix." She breathed out as a chill spiraled through her spine. The way Remus' hand clutched her elbow in a gesture of protectiveness, she assumed he had seen her as well.

She had only seen her mother's sister, her aunt, in pictures, but she had heard all about the inhumane actions she'd committed over the years. Tonks was absolutely disgusted that she shared blood with _this_ monstrous woman. From what she could see in the light of the Death Eater's wand, she gauged Bellatrix's face. She was pale as a ghost and her face looked gaunt and skull-like; however, somehow she had still managed to retain some vestige of Black beauty. She was beautiful in an evil kind of way.

She could feel Remus' slight breath on her cheek; they were both trying to hold their breaths to avoid giving themselves away at any cost. This was the first time the Order had encountered Bellatrix Lestrange, and it was vital to know what she was up to.

The group advanced towards the warehouse; Remus stiffened beside her when Bellatrix suddenly stopped.

What happened next Tonks wouldn't have seen coming in the _wildest_ of her dreams.

She heard a loud and crisp cry of "_Fiendfyre_!" and a maniacal laughter before a blazing fire with roaring noise swept out from the caster's wand and advanced towards them abnormally fast, the flames shaping themselves into an enormous troop of fiery beasts. She was rooted to the spot as she stared in horror at the fanged and clawed beasts approaching them. Just when the blazing flames were close enough to make her body bristle, she felt the sensation of being squeezed into a tube as they disapparated away.

When they appeared near a large structure with the similar kind of settings they had just been in, she immediately thought that Remus had apparated them to the opposite side of the warehouse. However, taking a closer look, she realized they had apparated somewhere else.

"What the hell was that!" It wasn't a question but more like an exclamation that escaped her mouth. She was shaken and could still feel the scorching heat of the fire on her skin. It was a February night, yet her body was wet with sweat. Her chest heaved with each breath. They had come close, _so_ _close_ to being burned alive…

"Fiendfyre," Remus spoke. He looked shaken as well, but definitely appeared to be faring better than her. "-bewitched flame of abnormal size-"

"I know what it is!" She snapped. "But why- why would she- just-like- out of fucking _nowhere_?" She found she had difficulty framing a simple question.

He looked at her somberly and answered, "That's Bellatrix Lestrange. She- I am pretty sure she didn't see us but she _must_ have known that there was a hefty chance that someone from the Order was watching them…"

"It's so difficult to cast and even difficult to control… and she's been in Azkaban like _fourteen years_ and… she was without a wand for all those years…" She had often seen Sirius struggling with even the most basic of spells- the reason was simple, he had lived without magic for so long that sometimes he would fail to do a successful _accio_. Therefore it was nothing short of astonishing to her that that vile woman could cast the darkest of magic so expertly.

"Evil is like… a parasite… never really leaves you." He sighed and rubbed his face with his hands as if shaking away the shock. "Are you okay?" He asked softly as his eyes swept over her face.

"Am I okay?" she stared wide eyed at his question. She was feeling a bit out of sorts. "If-if that thing had touched- barely _grazed_ us, we would have been turned into ashes in seconds. The fact that I am standing in front of you means I am okay!"

Impulsively, she thought, he moved forward and hugged her to himself. But when he didn't immediately pull back in horror, she surmised it was a calculated action. Nevertheless, she brought her arms to his waist.

"I know this might sound condescending, but things like these happen." He spoke near her ear in a soft tone. Feeling him and his voice near, she started feeling calm…and safe. "And with people like Bellatrix and Voldemort on the opposite side, I'm afraid such things are going to be commonplace. I know you are strong but you have to understand that it generally takes mere seconds to destroy a life. You wouldn't even realize what had happened and your world would have already crumbled down." He pulled away and looked her in the face carefully, "Just be glad that today we were lucky enough to escape unscathed."

"Yeah…" She spoke in a thick voice. He was right, she knew it. She had spent barely two years in the Auror division and the Order and hadn't really experienced anything as menacing. She had been on various wild goose chases for criminals, had followed dark wizards, had been in tricky duels, had been on crime and murder scenes, had even seen people dead, and though all these situations had been dangerous none really had been _this_ life threatening. And with Voldemort and his cronies at large, such incidences were going to be common occurrences. She had to make herself strong, _stronger_.

"Come with me to Grimmauld Place." He spoke and his tone bore no room for negotiation. With his hands on her shoulders, he continued, "I'll make cocoa or tea for us."

Taking her hand in his, at her nod, they disapparated to the headquarters.

* * *

Tonks almost flinched when Remus ignited a fire in the drawing room.

"Tea or hot chocolate?"

"Tea," she replied seating herself on the sofa. She was much more composed than she had been fifteen minutes ago.

"I'll inform the Order about it as well."

She nodded. Once he was gone, she found herself replaying the moment. Remus had been so quick; she was in no doubt that had it not been for him, she wouldn't have been alive. He hadn't frozen on the spot or shaken so badly like her that he had failed to act. She was pretty sure that had he had more time, he would have managed to counter the fire as well. The only other wizards she had known to have such quick reflexes were Mad-Eye and Dumbledore. Wizards like him deserved to be at the top of the Auror Department. It was such a shame and loss for the Wizarding world that he wasn't considered worthy enough to be employed on even the lowest of jobs. He deserved so much more; every time she thought about the unfairness he had to face daily, her heart ached for him.

He returned shortly after, clutching steaming mugs of tea in his hands. Seating himself next to her, he passed her the cup. She took a small sip and realized that he still remembered how she liked her tea. Taking a second sip, she recalled that she told him in the beginning she didn't drink tea and preferred coffee instead; of course over the past few months while her feelings had been shifting (or were they simply solidifying?), she had simply resumed all her habits she'd had when they had been together, including her addiction for tea.

She was retracting her hand from the table where she had just placed her empty cup when she was startled by Remus' rough hand gripping her smaller ones in his. He placed his half finished cup on the table and grasped her hand in between his.

"Rem-"

"Shut up." He spoke softly. "I know you are going to run away again."

She gave an amused huff nervously. His proximity and his touch were making her heady, slowing down her already sluggish mind.

"Tell me what you want?" he pleaded and she swallowed. "Tell me what you are thinking." His light caresses on her knuckles made her shiver.

_I don't want to tell you what I am thinking. I don't __know__ what I am thinking. I want you, I really do, but all __I'm__ trying to do is to keep my heart intact…_

She tried to pull away from his grip but he refused to let go. "Dora, _please_," he breathed, his face contorting into an anguished expression. "I won't force you, _ever_. But all I want to know is what _you_ want. I said in my letter that if you don't want to ever acknowledge what happened, then so be it. But at least tell me."

_Tell him__,__ Tonks, tell him you just want friendship, and tell him that you simply got carried away that day. It will make things so __much__ simpler for you… that way you'll even be able to salvage your friendship…_

Tell him? But what if she lost her chance forever? Right now he loved her, but if she told him explicitly she just wanted friendship, what if he completely gave up on her and tried to move on? What if he succeeded and she remained stuck where she was?

"And," he tugged at her hand to bring her attention back to him. "-if you want-" he swallowed and looked hopeful. "-if you want for us to get back together, know that-that I am more than ready for it." He breathed out as his face drew closer. The fire was doing beautiful things to his blue eyes. "I know you heard that day, when I told Emmeline that I loved someone else. You know who it is." He was bringing it out all in the open. Her heart was hammering against her chest so hard, she thought she would faint, and the intensity of his gaze wasn't helping her either. She could feel a drop of cold sweat slipping down from the nape of her neck. "If you are afraid, and if you are just holding back because you think I'll do the same thing again, then don't be."

He was so close now that when he blinked, she felt his eyelashes caressing hers. His breath was brushing her lips teasingly.

She wanted to give in, she really did. But when his lips touched hers enticingly, she failed to stop herself wrenching away from his grip. She stood, carefully avoiding looking at his face, knowing that what she'd see in his eyes would tear her apart.

"Wait," he commanded, and she stopped in her tracks. His voice wasn't pleading anymore; it had taken on a hard edge. She felt his hand on her shoulder and he steered her to face him. His pale face, which was rigidly set in hard lines, gave away the pain he was feeling.

"Do you know what you are doing right now?" his voice was harsh and she felt like wincing. "You are doing the same thing I did exactly four years ago." It was the ninth of February, the day he had left her. "You are running away without giving me an explanation."

She closed her eyes in despair as she realized the truth of his words. His departure had hurt her tremendously but what had hurt her more was his doing so without telling her why.

"How can you do something which hurt _you_ so much once?"

With that, he walked away, his shoulder colliding with hers, without even waiting for an answer. Seconds later, she heard a door close with a bang on the floor above.

Dejected and broken in more ways than one, she left Grimmauld Place.

* * *

Remus swirled his glass of Firewhiskey from where he sat on the floor of his room, leaning against the leg of his bed. He could be drinking directly from the bottle, he thought, but there was something mesmerizing about the way the amber liquid spiraled and twisted in the transparent glass. It was odd, but it calmed him.

He sighed and raked his hand through his hair, making it look wilder. Not for the first time he wondered how he had managed to get landed with such a terrible destiny- why each time happiness merely grazed him before he could grasp it tightly? He took a gulp of his drink.

When Dora had kissed him he hadn't been able to believe his fortune- there she was kissing him with passion when he hadn't even dreamed of being able to do so again. But of course it was too good to be true. She had not only run away, but her friendship, on which he had come to rely so greatly, seemed to have been taken away from him as well.

He had sent her various letters, had tried to approach her during meetings, but to no avail. At the end he had lost his patience and had tried to be angry. For a while he had succeeded, but then they were sent on a mission together and blasted _Bellatrix_ had to bombard them with _Fiendfyre_ of all things. Dora had been shaken and it had broken his resolve to stay cold to her.

They had come here and this time he had been hopeful she would answer him, even if not positively, but answer him nonetheless. But alas… his bad luck.

He still felt the tingle on his lips from when he had tried to kiss her about two hours ago.

He took another gulp.

"Oh, Dora…" he sighed to the room. All she had to do was to tell him that she didn't want a relationship with him and he would never, ever question her decision. But she was adamant on avoiding him, _ignoring_ him.

He once again wondered if the time had come to volunteer for joining the werewolf pack. The Order did need a spy in the pack; and though he would never say so, would never pressure Remus, he knew Albus wanted a spy amongst the werewolf. He hated those werewolves, not for what they were, but for what they had allowed themselves to become. Joining them was going to be the most detested task he had ever done in his life, but if it could help the Order… if it could solve Dora's predicament…

He shook his head. He would be heartbroken in any case; at least right now he had access to three square meals, a bed to sleep in, and a roof to live under. Lying somewhere in a heap on cold hard ground among feral werewolves wasn't going to help with his heartache.

_But it would help her_, a voice in him said. Whatever it was she was trying to accomplish, it appeared she'd succeed only if he wasn't here.

He poured himself another drink.

There was a knock on the door.

His face contorted in an irritated expression. He was in no mood to become Sirius' drinking partner tonight. However, before he could have told him to bugger off, or could have pretended to be asleep, the door creaked open.

It wasn't Sirius.

It was Tonks.

Astonished, he struggled to get to his feet. She entered his room without bothering to look up and shut the door without a word. He heard her sigh and she turned towards him to lean against the door.

Her eyes met his.

_She had been crying_, was his first thought. She looked disheveled- her hair was a depressing brown, she was in blue pajamas and was barefooted. He frowned, confused more than ever; had she apparated right in this attire, without even bothering to put on her shoes?

"Tonks?" He spoke in a hush.

She sighed and straightened up, as if steeling herself.

"I came to talk to you." She spoke in a thick voice.

"What-?"

"Let me speak," she pleaded. "Or else I'm going to lose my nerve."

He sat down on the edge of his bed, still so shocked that _Tonks_ was in his bedroom at midnight, clad in pajamas and looking like she'd had been through the worst. She paced a few steps, her shoulders tense, and then grabbed the long sleeves of her top in her fists. She shivered and he thought that it was a February night, she must be freezing; he resisted the urge to cover her defeated form with a blanket.

"I have been thinking." After pacing back and forth for few moments, she turned to him. "And I-I want, I _really_ want for us to get back together."

His heart leapt with joy at her words. His mouth opened in silent question and his eyes searched her face. She raked both her hands through her hair and held it at the nape of her neck. _If she wants us to get together, why is she looking so upset?_

She resumed her pacing. "The reason I was avoiding you was that I didn't have the heart to tell you _no_, or tell you _yes_, for that matter. But today you got me thinking…that you were right, I was doing _exactly_ the same thing that had hurt me years ago."

"I didn't really mean it," he spoke quietly.

"No, but you were right!" She threw her hands in air, seemingly frustrated at herself. "How can I risk my heart again in the same way, Remus?" She looked so crushed as she tiredly leaned against the wall. "I have been trying to protect my heart for so many years… but do you know the truth?" She asked but didn't wait for his answer. "You know… when someone gives you something precious-something you really like and then-then after some time, you keep it deep inside your trunk for safekeeping because you don't know what to do with it? You never take it out again, you never look at it again, but it's there! It's there and you can't bring yourself to simply throw it away… my feelings have been that way, Remus. They have always been _there_… when you left, I just managed to keep them hidden, keep them locked inside my heart for a long time, but they didn't just _vanish_…." She took a deep breath and resumed her pacing as his eyes followed her every movement, every expression. She had tears in the corner of her eyes which he longed to remove.

"And then for these past months… they-my feelings started to surface… I felt so-so confused all the time… I hated when you were there and I hated when you _weren't_ there…and then my feelings went even more out of control when I read your journal… every moment I spent without you felt like a waste and every moment I spent with you wasn't enough. That-that kiss- it wasn't impulsive… deep down I knew it was coming…" She shook her head in agitation. His hands were clasped in his lap tightly as he hung to her every word.

"And then I thought… what if it happens again? War has begun and people do crazy thing during wars. What if you again thought that you weren't worthy enough of me? Or what if the Ministry started rounding up people associating with werewolves and whatnot? What if in your frenzy to protect my life you crushed my heart and left only to never come back again? I found myself asking if I'd be able to bear it. And I didn't have to look far for an answer, because I already knew it. _No_, I wouldn't be able to bear it."

"I w-" he started saying when she raised her hand to stop him.

"Let me finish." She was wringing the hem of her top with her fingers. "Ever since I started avoiding you… it has driven me _mad_. Each moment- I-I felt I was transported back to three years ago, but this time the difference was that I was the one running! Running from you, running from myself, running from my feelings… because deep down I knew what the truth was, what the truth is." She turned to look at him with tormented eyes. "That day you told Emmeline that the girl you were in love with didn't feel the same, it wasn't true, Remus. Because, damn it, _I love you_!"

He stared at her wide-eyed, her words ringing in his ears_. I love you… she loves me… _he couldn't believe his ears, he couldn't believe what she was saying… after all this time she _loved_ him, she _still_ loved him…

She was ashen faced and was biting her lip. Her eyes were wet, her hair disheveled due to working her hands through it. She looked beautiful.

"You-" He stuttered, trying to think of things to say. _'I_ _love_ _you_, _too'_ flashed in the front of his mind, but he couldn't utter another word because of the joy he was feeling. He worked his mouth for few times before giving it up as a bad job. His head fell in his hands, his elbows on his knees; he gave a chuckle which he wasn't sure but might have been a half sob.

"Remus." Her quiet voice brought him out of his joyful trance. She was still looking unsure and he controlled himself from simply reaching out for her. Her body language told him she still had things to say.

"Remus… so, yes I w-want to be with you." She swallowed. "Because I can't live without you, not another moment, not _anymore_… so-but I have a condition- no, you have to _promise_ me… if you ever want to leave me because you are bored with me or because you think you aren't good enough for me and want to protect me, then you _do_ _it_. You do it, but please just tell me before doing so!" She was looking hysterical as she rushed the words fast. "I mean, you have to promise me that you'll tell me why you are leaving and where you are leaving to… if you think you're doing it for my good, I will, of course, fight with you and try my best until you give in… but otherwise you have to promise me that you'll reply to my letters even if it is just a month! And you'll come to visit me every once in a while, but don't just _disappear_; at least that way I'll know you're alive and that I still mean something to you even if-even if just as a _friend_, but just don't pull that disappearing act on me again-" She emitted an odd noise which appeared to be something in between a swallow and a hiccup. "-because-because if you do that again, Merlin help me, but I might _just_ _die_-"

"No!" He leapt to his feet immediately and before he knew what he was doing he had walked to her and his lips had come crashing down on hers. His force toppled them backwards, so that she was caught between him and the wall. Her kiss was frantic just like his, and he could taste tears and he could taste _happiness_. He kissed her like she was the last thing on this earth to anchor him; his hands roamed her body as he felt her doing the same. "I love you, I love you and I love you." He kept repeating it again and again and he wasn't sure if he was saying the words aloud or if they were only in his head. He pulled her closer, trying to reassure himself that she was real and wasn't just another figment of his drunken imagination.

He felt her wrapping her legs around his waist and he secured his hold on her, loving her weight in his arms. She urged him backwards and he kept walking until the back of his knees hit the bed and in a calculated movement found himself sitting on the edge of the bed with her arms and legs still locking him in place.

She ran her hands through his hair much like he had longed for her to do for a long time. Her hands desperately touched his shoulders, his back, his chest, as if she couldn't get enough of him. Tightening his hold on her hips he tried to pull her even closer, because really there might have been a space of few centimeters left between and it was _too_ much to bear.

He pulled her closer at the same time she tried to push him back onto the bed and the effect was that he found them collapsing backwards. He fell onto the bed, taking her along with him as she continued to cling to him.

Their lips lost their contact as they burst out laughing. God, he was feeling so happy, his brain was spiraling and he felt delirious.

She laughed and she cried at the same time and he simply couldn't understand how to express his elation exactly. He palmed her face and wiped the lingering tears with his thumbs. "Dora, you wonderful, wonderful, sweet woman."

She smiled then chuckled which soon turned into a laugh. He made no effort to push her away from her perch on his chest as she laughed and he felt her breath fan his face. "I can't believe this." She spoke as her laughter got under control. She shifted away, only to lie next to him, on her side. Immediately he turned to face her.

They lay horizontally on his bed, the rumpled blankets digging in their sides uncomfortably with their arms and in her case leg wrapped around each other.

"I can't believe it, either." He pushed her hair away from her face which somewhere on the way from the wall to the bed had turned the brightest pink. He thought it was now practically impossible for him to tear his gaze away from her lovely heart-shaped face; her eyes sparkled with love (his heart gave a jolt and his stomach flipped), her cheeks were a glorious pink, her lips were red from his kisses, she looked a little out of breath and most of all she looked happy, happier than he had seen her in a long time. "I-" he laughed a little more, "-Dora, minutes ago I was cursing my fate, and now you are here next to me, telling me you love me, and I-I think I'll go mad with happiness… I feel like it's a dream and I've had too much drink- and I am going to wake up next morning," he swallowed suddenly feeling a lump form in his throat. His kissed her again (it was nothing short of astonishing that he was allowed to do so again) as her face turned serious as well. He kissed her to erase the memories of so many mornings he had woken up to find his bed empty, memories of endless, sleepless nights. "Don't go anywhere." He breathed in her lips.

"You, too." She replied. "Promise you'll do as I said."

"I will; not that I plan on leaving," he hastily added and then smiled. "I am so fucking happy right now!"

She laughed. "Yes, you definitely are if it has brought you down to swearing." She touched his face, traced its contours with her fingers which trembled a little. Her fingers took the path from his cheekbones to his eyelids, they travelled the length of his nose to his lips to finally settle on his chin as her thumb rubbed his stubble. "Remus-I… I didn't realize how much I missed you until now… your feel, your smell…" She fingered his collar, her index finger dipping in the hollow of his throat as he watched her with curious amazement that this amazing woman was his- after all that had happened, after all the lonely years he had spent in between without her, when he had given up all hopes of even ever seeing her- yet she was here with him, telling him she missed him as much as he missed her.

"Stay with me. Tonight." He whispered softly as he brought his forehead closer to hers and their noses touched. "You're freezing anyway… didn't you think of putting on a sweater or jacket? Or shoes?"

She shook her head. "As soon as I reached my decision… I realized that I couldn't even wait for another second to tell you." She sighed. "Remus?"

"Precious?"

The small smile on her face turned into a full blossomed smile on his addressing her as _'__Precious_.' "I missed that," she whispered with a blissful smile. "I was saying… can we wait for a while before we… you know… for the lack of better words, _'pick up from where we left_ off'? I'd like some time to get adjusted to this before… if you don't mind?"

"I don't mind. Now that I have you… I feel like I have all the time in the world… but still, stay with me tonight. Just to sleep; I don't think I can stay away from you right now. Or else I might just- with all the adrenalin rush- I might just wake Sirius up and make him dance with me all night."

She snickered. "I will."

They settled in for the night, under the covers and blankets; the small fire warming the cold room. She snuggled her head on his shoulder, her arm snaking to his waist, and she slipped her cold icy feet between his legs. He smiled.

Pulling her closer towards himself, he kissed the tip of her nose. "I love you. Thank you for grounding me or I just might have gone and shouted it out loud on the rooftop."

"Mmm…" She rubbed her nose on his cheekbone. "…more like _howling_ on the rooftop."

He chuckled; the way she felt next to him, he was inclined to believe _everything_ she said. He was _beyond_ happy. His four years of forced loneliness had now officially ended. With her in his arms, he felt as if he had conquered the world.

That night the couple slept the most peacefully they ever had in the past four years.

* * *

_In case you are wondering, they get together on February 9, the same date Remus left in 1992._

_Thanks to __**Guest, HP-Dramaqueen, shimotsuki11, reader, GinnyPotter6891, ganastas, remusdora, adamantfire, It'sSoRonksIt'sRight, dftbamda for **lovely reviews._

_Do leave me a review! There's just one more chapter left :)_


	23. Found my way back to you

_Thank you **GinnyPotter6891** for beta-reading._

* * *

The three friends sat in the half-empty outdoor dining section of Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, enjoying their desserts. The weather had grown considerably warmer compared to the past month and a Sunday afternoon seemed like a perfect time to enjoy it.

"You look happy," Amy commented as she stuffed a mouthful of her pastry.

"Don't I always?" Tonks replied, raising her eyebrow.

"Of course you do," said Hestia, smiling softly. "-but mostly you're like this chipper, cheerful, sometimes _annoying_-" Tonks huffed, "-ball of energy. However, presently you… look serene."

"That's the word." Amy nodded in agreement. "You look _serene_\- peaceful at heart."

Tonks smiled, glad that she looked peaceful instead of her usual inquisitive, cheerful, _annoying_ self. She swirled her spoon in her cup of hot chocolate, refraining from answering.

"Amy?" Hestia looked at the brunette woman. "Do you think we won the bet?"

Realization dawned on Amy as Tonks smirked in her cup, though that smirk soon turned into a proper grin when her friends looked at her curiously.

"I don't think either of you won the bet," she spoke finally; they looked as if they would burst with questions if their initial query wasn't answered. "As you opted for the time frame of five months and you said it would be six months." She pointed at Hestia and Amy respectively."I happened to…_we_ happened to get together in four months since my birthday."

There were a few seconds of silence, when Amy spoke first, "My, she's _blushing_…"

Tonks' blush darkened under the intense and watchful gaze of her friends. Truth was this past month had been like a dream, as if she had been floating on air the whole time. Amidst the Order missions and Auror duties, somehow she had managed to find time to spend with Remus daily, and those times had been nothing short of bliss. Every moment she spent with him seemed so thrilling, so full of love, laughter and promises that these days she fell asleep with a smile and woke up with a smile.

"That's… great, Tonks." Hestia grinned, she seemed to be refraining herself from squealing and hugging her; in public they had the responsibility to appear _mature_. "He's a great guy."

"He is." Tonks whispered softly.

"Ooh, Tonks!" Amy exclaimed. "You've got it bad. You know I might have warned you or something but… you look so happy, Tonks. I can't stop smiling seeing your face." She looked genuinely happy for her friend. Her hand crawled to Tonks' and she squeezed it once. "In all the time I have known you I don't think I've ever seen you this happy."

"You know, now that we are together, it seems as if all these years I have been merely _pretending_ to be happy. You're right, Amy, I haven't been this happy for a long time. This happiness, this never ending giddiness… I can't explain it." Now that she had started talking, she couldn't bring herself to stop. When Remus and she had been together before, she hadn't had anyone to talk about their relationship to, but now she had Amy- who wasn't prejudiced and Hestia-who already knew about Remus; neither was judgmental which allowed Tonks to easily talk to them about anything and everything. "When I walk in a room, my eyes always search for him and once I find him, he's all I can see! He's so considerate… he never lets me fall when I trip. He tends to even the smallest of my scratches even if I insist it is nothing. He cooks for me… if I've had a tiring day, he'll make sure to prepare tea for me and send me off to sleep. And-and around him I feel so _beautiful_, so special- believe me, no one has ever managed to make me feel _this_ special. He helps me grow; he manages to guide me through things without sounding patronizing… He calls me Precious and he really means it. This past month has been like… falling in love with him all over again."

"Ah, sweet love…" Amy shook her head, smilingly. "Reminds me of the days Alex and I used to court."

"I wish you both worlds of happiness." Hestia nodded her approval.

"Yes, just-don't let him disappear this time."

Tonks smiled. "It's his birthday today."

"Really?" Hestia looked surprised. "Any special plans? What are you getting him?"

She smiled secretly. "I have a few ideas."

* * *

Closing the main door of Number 12 behind him, Remus crept through the dark hallway, making his way to the kitchen. Sirius, who was the sole occupant of the room, turned around to look at the new entrant.

"Remus." Sirius smiled, and moved forward to hug his friend. "Happy birthday." A seventeen-year old Sirius Black would _never_ have _hugged_ and wished his friend a happy birthday. Remus had spent more than seven of his birthdays with the Marauder and all of them had begun with shrieking, screaming and surprise jinxes and hexes. Remus nevertheless accepted the stiff hug and thumped him on the back.

"Thanks, mate."

Sirius pulled away and sighed. He pulled out a chair and sat heavily. These days, he was becoming more distant day by day. Remus lived in the same house as Sirius, yet often days would pass and he'd barely get a glimpse of his friend. Sitting across from him, though, Remus admitted to himself guiltily- the past month he had been busy _elsewhere_ to give much notice to Sirius.

Sirius sported a thick beard in comparison to the stubble he generally had, and his eyes looked bloodshot as if he had spent the whole night drinking. The bit of weight he had put on during Christmas had disappeared and he was back to his usual old self- gaunt and grim. He rarely smiled these days; he barely laughed anymore even on the evenings Dora and he would spend with Sirius.

"Would you like some?" Sirius asked, unwrapping a serving dish-which he immediately recognized as that of Molly's, having seen it so many times- placed in front of him. "Chicken drumsticks."

"Molly was over?"

"Yeah…" he answered, carelessly throwing the foil on the floor.

"Oh." Remus sighed. "Sirius, sorry… you know, the past few weeks I have been rather busy and well…" he trailed off.

Unexpectedly, Sirius chuckled. "Don't be silly, mate! I couldn't be happier for you. I also worry about you, you know, even if it goes against my _rugged, macho Azkaban escapee__image_. But I'm glad you're safe with Tonks instead of running rampant with wild werewolves collecting information and whatnot."

Remus sighed in relief. "Well… since it's my birthday… we'll spend the night drinking and reminiscing about all the _legendary_ birthdays."

To his surprise Sirius shook his head. "No, actually you aren't spending your birthday evening with me… but rather with Tonks."

"She's… she owled me in the morning, wished me a happy birthday, but I don't think she's anything planned."

"Oh, yes, she has," he said slyly, tearing through the chicken piece.

Remus blinked.

"Go upstairs." Sirius grinned toothily.

"She's upstairs…?"

"Yes, in your _room_."

"Oh." He suddenly felt very hot under his collar.

"Hmm… don't forget to put on a silencing charm on the door."

"Oh, shut up." He ducked his head.

Sirius laughed and Remus found it difficult to stay annoyed at him when he was enjoying this so much.

"Go on, Remus, I know you're having a hard time staying where you are instead of running upstairs."

No matter how _true_ those words were, he stood up with deliberate and slow speed. "Oh…well, I'll see you later then. You'll be okay, right?"

"Oh, piss off now before I spell you away to your room."

Remus huffed. "I-er," He straightened his collar and combed his hair at the nape of his neck. "I- look okay?" He cringed immediately as the words left his mouth.

"Oh it's not _me_ who should find you charming, Remus, _sweetheart_." He drawled; Sirius had overheard Tonks calling him that one evening and hadn't missed a single opportunity since to have the mickey taken out of him. "I am sure she _lurves_ your rumpled, rugged and disheveled look more."

Remus growled softly; pulling his wand out, he spelled three drumsticks into Sirius' mouth simultaneously.

"Hummph!"

"Be thankful that I am not doing a _silencio_ on you. Now dear Padfoot, enjoy your drumsticks while I have a little birthday celebration upstairs."

He made to leave the kitchen, but turned once to look at his friend who was struggling to pull out the chicken from his mouth. "And, by the way, Sirius, she does love my _rumpled, rugged and disheveled__look_ more." He grinned and shut the door behind him before a flying chicken leg could hit him.

* * *

His heart pounded loudly as he ascended the stony stairs of Grimmauld Place to his room. Reaching his door, he hesitated and knocked. . . and then thought, _why am I knocking on my own door?_

As if reading his thoughts, a sweet voice came from inside, accompanied by a chuckle. "Remus, you don't have to knock on your own door…"

He turned the knob of the door and entered with uncertainty. His room was bathed in candlelight- scented candles floated near the ceilings; his generally cluttered desk was cleared and on it was a single candle, illuminating a small chocolate cake, a wine bottle and two glasses. Smiling widely, he turned around, looking for the woman who had done this much for him and found her lurking in the darkest corner of the room, where the lights failed to reach.

"Dora-?"

She emerged from the shadows, singing in a wobbly voice, "Happy birthday to you," His breath caught in his throat and his mouth went dry as she appeared fully in his vision. "Happy birthday to my love Remus, happy birthday to you." She grinned.

He started at her in open wonderment. She was wearing _the_ lace negligee- the negligee she had brought for herself their first Christmas together, the negligee she had been wearing the night he had left her, the negligee which had haunted his dreams and had made his nights restless. And now here she was wearing the same nightgown- a mixture of lace and net, beige colored with pink on the hem. The net carefully covered her curves and the fabric stuck to her like a second skin and fell neatly to her mid-thighs, making his heart soar. Her hair- he gulped as nostalgia took over- was waist length, her natural, shiny brown. Her eyes twinkled with mischief. Despite her bold attire, he caught a touch of shyness beneath those twinkling eyes as she tugged at her outfit.

"Is it too much for you?" She grimaced and looked sheepish, cringing at the candles, as if their colorful lights and scent was offending her. "I mean, I hope it is not too cheesy for you… enough though it clearly is." She laughed nervously.

"It's wonderful," he rasped, not looking at the settings as he said this. "_You_ are wonderful." His hands itched to reach out for her; he wanted to check if the negligee still felt the same to his hands.

She stepped towards him where he stood in the center of the room. He noticed she was barefooted. "I… hope I fit in this; I haven't worn this since, well, since that day. I was a bit nervous about it…" She trailed off, wringing her hands self-consciously.

He covered the remaining distance between them. "It's just as perfect as before." Had it not been for the Slytherin green walls, he would have thought that they were transported back to their time.

Placing her hands on his shoulders, she raised herself a bit on her toes, to cover up the tiny difference in their heights. She pressed her lips to his and he felt his arms automatically closing around her waist. Taking a shuddering breath, he pulled her flush against himself and he was lost in her. He caressed every inch of her barely covered by the light fabric. This past month had been like a perfect dream; he had spent each moment- whether with her or without her- drowning in her. It was like he was learning to live again and she was his anchor.

Pulling away, he took a moment to compose himself. "You can't conjure candles properly, Dora," was the first thing that came out of his mouth.

She chuckled; he picked her up and with some effort, placed her on his feet so that they were equal in height. "Molly did it. She did the cake as well."

"Molly?"

"Yeah… you don't mind, do you?" she asked uncertainly.

"If it makes you happy, then no. Besides, Molly is a very dear friend."

She hummed and played with the hair at his temple. "I didn't get you any present, though."

"You are my present, what else do I need?" he kissed her forehead. "Precious?"

"Yes?"

"Are you… I mean, you said you needed time… you don't have to hurry because of me."

"Silly man." She shook her head at him and kissed the tip of his nose. "I've wanted to jump on you for days, but then I thought that I'd wait for this special day instead."

He peered into her beautiful eyes. "When we first met, it had been _ages_ since I'd had a decent friend. You ended my loneliness… then when we got together, I- kept thinking how lucky I was that despite everything, here was a girl who wants be with me forever… then those few years in between… never, _never_ in my right mind would I have ever thought that… I'd even get to see you let alone… but here you are, with me, and I think this is nothing short of a miracle. So, yes, you know… people say that they have experienced a miracle, but for me, _you_ are the miracle of my life."

She rubbed his cheekbone with her nose, a soft expression on her face. "You are so sweet. When I think you can't get any sweeter, you win my heart again…You think you're the lucky one… but you weren't here for ages, yet I never fell out of love with you. You are so very special. I could write a book on things I love about you."

He touched her forehead with his. "One day, you are going to tell me the probable content of that book."

"Want to cut your cake?"

His lips covered the path from the corner of her mouth, shivering as she moaned delightfully, to her cheek and stopped at her ear. "Do you mind if I open my present first?"

She chuckled breathlessly; her shy smile was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. She took hold of his hand placed on her waist, and moved it just beneath the hollow of her throat, where the closure of the dress was.

He fingered the silk ribbon, then holding one side, he slowly pulled it open. She sighed softly and he felt her curling her toes above his shoes. He inched it off her shoulders slowly and let it fall into his waiting hands. Aware of the drumming of his heart, he allowed her to take off his blazer and then shirt.

He kissed her, worshipped the feel of her body he had missed for so long. His palm fitted snugly in the small of her back as her fingers dug in his back. She trembled like a butterfly caught in his hand, waiting to be freed.

She stepped down from his feet and allowed him to cover the short distance to the bed.

"…and I just didn't feel like going out on a date…," she was saying from her position next to him on the bed. They were reclining, leaning against the headboard, his arm around her shoulders, covers tucked neatly under her arms, shielding her bare body from him as he kissed every inch of her visible skin while she talked about why she hadn't had a boyfriend in past years. "…I mean-" a kiss on her forehead, "-Amy even-" kiss in between her eyes, "-setup a date-" kiss on her cheeks, "-for me but-" kiss at the corners of her mouth, "-I backed out-" kiss on her chin, "-at the last moment-" kiss on the tip of her nose, "-she was angrhummp-" a deep kiss on her lips. She pulled away and tried to adopt a stern expression. "That's impolite, _downright_ _rude_ for you to interrupt me like this, have you been listening at all to what I've been saying?"

"Of course I have." He replied a tad indignantly.

"Repeat; repeat everything I've said in the past thirty seconds."

"You said, _'I didn't even go on a single date despite__a__few guys asking me out, and I just didn't feel like going on a date. I mean Amy even set__up__a date for me but I backed out__at__the last moment, she was angrhumm'_…"

Her lips twitched with the efforts of trying to conceal her smile but her eyes gave her away. "I didn't say angrhumm!"

"You did, say _'angry'_."

"Angrhummp!" Just as she'd had half of the word out of her mouth, he kissed her again, causing the rest of the words to muffle.

"See, you did."

"You are mean!" She swatted his arm. "Be glad that it's your birthday or else-or else, I would have punished you."

"Oh, _kinky_, Dora, that sounds downright exciting."

"Remus!" she laughed and then sobered. "I've missed it."

"What, punishing me?" He raised his eyebrow.

"No, silly… this, I mean… you remember right, when we'd be in bed talking, and you'd spent the whole time kissing my face and I'd think you hadn't been listening to me at all; then I'd ask you to repeat and you'd end up reciting each of my words correctly."

"That's because I do listen to you, my dear Precious. It's multi-tasking." He pulled her closer, their legs twining together. He hooked his fingers under the hem of the cover, which was securely held in place by her arms. It came loose, revealing the upper swell of her breast but before he could pull it down completely she batted his hand away.

"What?" he asked innocently. "My present is wrapped up again!"

"Shut up! I'm still talking." She sniggered at his antics.

"We can talk later; right now why not put our mouths to better uses…?" He trailed off touching his lips to hers, he just couldn't get enough. After kissing him lovingly for few moments she pulled away.

She looked contemplative and stroked her index finger over his collarbone.

"What's on your mind?" he whispered, his thumb caressing her belly button.

"I talked to Mrs. Selwyn…"

"Your tenant with the eight cats?"

"Yeah, that one."

"What about her?"

"I asked… if it would be… possible for her to move out and if it wouldn't be very inconvenient to her… if I arranged another similar place for her?"

He was surprised. Ignoring his racing heart, he asked: "Whatever for?"

"I'd…like to move in with you, or rather, I want _us_ to move in together in that place, in that flat again where it all began." She spoke softly, her fingers caressing his chest in a soothing rhythm.

"Really?"

"If you want that?"

"If I want that? Dora… I would love nothing more… it would be like-" he failed to express his joy at the implication. He laughed; it had been his _home_\- home that he and his Precious had shared together, every corner of that place was filled with their love.

She smiled widely. "Lovely… Mrs. Swelyn agreed and, well, thought it would take about a month."

"Of course, Dora but," he frowned and expressed one nagging worry that had been at the forefront of his mind. "-your mother?"

She sighed and deflated. "She's going to be difficult but… I'll handle her…and my father as well."

"I'm sorry; I just don't want to cause a rift between you and your mother."

"You won't, Remus. She loves me and… she might not be happy with my choice but she'll come to accept it."

"She has every right to be angry… she saw her daughter in pain after I left…"

"And she'll see her daughter _happy_ now that you are here." She smiled reassuringly.

"What about… the Ministry? I mean here in Grimmauld Place, we are safer…"

"I asked Mad-Eye; he said currently there's no legislation- hidden or otherwise- about being in contact with werewolves… but I understand that it might not be good for the Order if we are seen together. But Remus, I have thought it through. I want to move back into that place. You know already that between the Order and the Ministry, I'm barely at home. Besides, at this time, I don't think we can just abandon Sirius; he needs us and _we_ need him. So I'll continue spending my evenings here… but it will be a good change to have a place of our own when we do want to spend our time together, away from this house… and as I said I can't think of a better place than our old home…" The way she said our _home_ made his heart melt. "And Dumbledore said that now it's just a matter of time before the Ministry accepts You-know-who's return and then we won't have to worry about secrecy anymore. I can't and won't jeopardize the Order, but other than that, Remus, you have to understand that it's my choice to be with you…"

"I do." He nodded solemnly. He knew they still had minor trust issues, along with a time gap of three years which stood between them that they had to recover. But at the speed they were going, he was sure that they'd conquer all hurdles. And he realized that the first step to that was to respect her freedom and her right to choose.

"So… well, I'll get my old place back and nothing much will change, except we'll have some place to call home. Imagine, we could invite Arthur and Molly to dinner at ours, how great does that sound?" She was bouncing with excitement.

"Sounds wonderful, just- you don't have to cook." He smirked.

She huffed.

"Can I unwrap my present _now_?" he asked.

She grinned and threw the covers aside. She crawled on top of him, igniting a fire in his body and kissing him passionately. Her wicked tongue glided smoothly over his lips, making his blood sing in his veins. Her long, lovely hair fell, shielding their faces. He was immersed in her intoxicating fruity-lemony scent. He took a shuddering breath as she dug her fingers into his thigh.

As he returned her kiss and flipped her on her back, he decided he was going to enjoy every moment of his life to the fullest. This was not going to be easy; given the looming war, and the uncertain possibilities of him going underground- but they were even more solid reasons to do so.

"I love you, Remus…" She breathed into the skin of his jaw as his hands stroked her stomach. He broke their heated kiss to look at her beautiful face.

He suddenly felt overwhelmed with the abundant love he felt for this woman. "You do realize, Precious, despite everything… despite every hurdle, every insecurity, every fear, we have found our way back to each other."

"Believe me, Remus, my life has never failed to amaze me; I do realize it, love."

He touched their lips together and carefully lowered his weight onto her. "And I love you as well."

He sank into her as another realization dawned on him- even if destiny and fate did pull them apart now, he had faith that they would always find their way back to each other.

* * *

_That's all folks! I applauded myself when I finished writing the last line of this chapter which marks the end of Finding My Way Back To You- my longest fic so far. When I started this, I had no idea that this would cross the 100k+ word mark. Now that it is complete I am glad I was able to contribute a fic of this length to RLNT fanfiction._

_I also (barely) managed to finish this story before completion of one year! And with satisfaction, I mark this story complete :)_

_Lastly, thanks to each and every person who ever reviewed, favorited and followed this story. Since this was the last chapter, I shamelessly expect lot many reviews to follow. So readers, tell me how did you find this and if you think this fic earned it, then don't forget to favorite it. _

_Thank you once again my lovely readers! Do remain in touch. I hope to make a comeback soon :)_


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